Have you ever walked into a place and thought to yourself, “Oh these people are going to be really annoying unless I start drinking. I don’t care if it’s church and it’s 10 o’clock in the morning.” I made an observation similar to that when I went out last week. I had obviously entered a venue that had been saturated with mixed drinks and techno beats long before I showed up. So instead of getting smashed immediately (that would come later—It was Tuesday night after all), I decided to take in the scene a little bit. Eventually I began to feel a little bit more sympathetic towards bartenders, bouncers, late-night fast food workers, and overnight building doormen. Anyone having to deal with people who can’t hold their booze (or “drink responsibly,” a d-bag way to put it) must have a special place in heaven reserved for them.

As I watched people try to text message last night in a bar with one eye open, yelling at t9 for not letting them spell “Jäger-bomb,” and basking in the bright blue glow of the cell phone screen that is flattering on almost no one, I started to wonder about drunken communications in the past. It couldn’t have been much different then today with misinterpreted meanings and regrets in the morning.

Telephone (Drunk Dialing): Probably the point when drunken communications came to a head. Dialing 7 to 10 numbers (more if you’re an international drunk dialers, or three if it was 1908) comes easy enough, but the receiving end of the call usually knows immediately if the caller is intoxicated. Although still remains in effect today, text messaging has slowly infiltrated the once dominant form of communication for ex-lovers and low self esteem co-eds on Friday nights.

AIM (Drunk Typing): Had a surge in the early 2000s, before the Facebook/MySpace wall posts came into effect. Still remains strong today. Similar to text messaging in that you must have both the dexterity and the consciousness to make the person on the receiving end not suspect how many rum and cokes you had that evening. A few rookie mistakes were often CAPITAL LETTERS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW TO TURN THEM OFF. UsiNg the ShiFt Key $tim^s too liberally. Overusing emoticons 🙂 😉 “-(  —no one likes a tool(bar). And lastly, just nonscensical and mistiped ramblings about wut an amazzzingg purson u r and how the othur person is just so gosh darned amazzingg 2 and y dun’t u guys hang out anymore like u used 2 in high school omg remember that time we stole that shopping xart from the supermarket and went around collecting lawn gnomes and then left them all on fFrankie’s front porch and he was –Ur4MerBud has signed off.

Telegram (Drunk Dots and Dashes): Besides risking danger of never knowing when to say STOP, the room for error was too great. If you don’t have enough reaction time steer your horse and buggy, you probably don’t have the agility and accuracy to create a well thought out message. “I miss your lovely faces and vibrant banter” could easily become “I miss your lovely feces and vagrant panther.” Chivalry is dead because it probably never existed in the first place.

Carrier pigeon (Drunk War Correspondence): I see nothing good coming from releasing a bird into the night with battle plans drawn up by someone who is probably intoxicated with moonshine, asbestos, and lead paint.

Letter Writing (Drunk Calligraphy): I’m sure there were many a love note started in the middle of the night with one’s quill pen, but hopefully the person would either come to their senses or pass out before getting a chance to mail it. Although, I’m sure on more than one occasion a servant was woken by the master of the house whom had just professed all their emotions onto the finest parchment for a fine lass down the road who’s becoming marriage material on her fourteenth birthday.

I’m sure smoke signals, singing telegrams, and building intercom systems had their heyday as well.