The story of St. Valentine is one that is shrouded in mystery and legends. The most popular legend says the Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. Emperor Claudius II decided that single men were better soldiers than those with wives and families. Claudius obviously missed that day in health class about reproduction and its necessity to perpetuate a society. Nevertheless, his decree went out to outlaw marriage for young men in his infantries. The first “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy.

Being a priest, and therefore making his living off performing sacraments, this cut down Valentine’s work schedule to performing blessings on dead corpses and dipping crying babies (and adults) in Holy Water. He started to perform marriages in secret for young lovers. It was inevitable, though, that his secret would get out. Have you ever met a bride who doesn’t want to brag to her whole village about getting hitched? Claudius discovered what Valentine was up to and ordered him to be put to death.

Christians love a good martyred saint. Especially a priest who loves love. But Christians sometimes have trouble getting their stories straight. Another legend paints Valentine as a liberator of imprisoned Christians in Rome who were mistreated and often tortured. Although, it’s safe to say that no matter whom your personal savior was in third century Rome, you were pretty much treated like crap in Roman prisons. Either way, Valentine was caught and then, of course, killed.

But that’s a boring story. There’s no love. No intrigue. No mystery. No plausible plotline for a Hollywood movie starring Russell Crowe. So here’s where another legend creeps into the story-tellers repertoire. Firstly, Valentine was imprisoned for one reason or another. This part is always vague because it doesn’t matter what he did to get to prison. He could have been tossing puppies into fires or inventing hairstyles for the rich and obscure. Roman law was pretty basic. “I don’t like what you are doing. Go sit in this cold cell with your friends while I go back to building my awesome empire. And don’t conspire. We hate conspirers.”

So after he gets imprisoned, Valentine starts to get a visitor. A young girl who was probably the jailor’s daughter. Nothing says “forbidden” like a teenager in love with a criminal. Her dad was probably pissed, too. Those would have been some AWKWARD holiday get-togethers. Since Valentine was about to die anyway, he started to send the girl letters, which he signed “From your Valentine.” This is where the collective “Awwww…” comes in. “So THAT’S where we get the expression.” Never mind the 1800 years, a biblical language, and distance that separates us from that phrase – romance is everlasting and ethereal, gosh darn it! No matter the story, Valentine is often portrayed as sympathetic, heroic, romantic figure.

So if we know so little of St. Valentine, why do we celebrate his feast day in the middle of February? There are a few theories behind this. Firstly, feast days usually commemorate the birth, death, or significant event in the saint’s life (or after life, if you believe in those “miracles”). The early Church leaders were pretty random and arbitrary when it came to dates. At least that’s what they claimed. Instead, they would often look for pagan celebrations in attempt to capitalize on the rituals and lure in lost souls looking to be saved. You like your parties with the harvesting and the feasting? Well, we have better parties with magic tricks and cake. Come join us. Pretty effective PR move. Worked for Christmas, Easter, Mary’s Birthday, and All Saints Day. Why not for an archetype of love? In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and considered a time for purification. The pagan Lupercalia festival celebrates the fertility god of agriculture as well as Roman founders, Romulus and Remus, on February 15. The Christian leaders moved St. Valentine’s feast day back one day to February 14, probably hoping the celebrants would be too hung-over the next day to get up and do anything, including dancing and sacrificing animals.

But it wasn’t enough for the Christians to steal the day; they also wanted to steal some the rituals as well. During the Lupercalia festival, the elders would sacrifice a goat, cut its flesh into strips, dip it in blood, and hand it out to all the bachelors in town. The men would go around and start slapping women with the blood soaked pieces of meat. The girls went wild, because this meant to increase their fertility over the next year. And girls in first millennium Rome love nothing better than popping out babies! Hence, Beyonce’s less popular lyrics, “If you like it, then you should have put some blood on it.”

Later in the day, after being smothered with rotting carcasses, the young women from the city would place their names in a big urn and the city’s bachelors would choose the name and become paired for a year. Talk about leaving your odds to fate. Your pick could be sickly, ugly, poor, uneducated, or even worse, your cousin. But according to legends, these matches often ended in marriage. However, after the Christians got a hold of this, in 498AD, Pope Gelasius decided the Roman “lottery” system for romantic pairing was un-Christian and therefore outlawed. Love: 1. Randomness: 0.

So how did we go from chasing around girls with pieces of flesh to giving overly impersonal mass produced cards with glitter? It took a couple hundred years to get to that point. Although there are handmade valentines that have been recovered from the 1400s, it wasn’t until the middle of the eighteenth century in Great Britain where the exchange of cards and trinkets became popular among members of all classes (apparently poor folks like love just as much as the rich). Advancements in printing and cheaper postage increased the sales of valentines exponentially over the next few centuries. According to the Greeting Card Association—yes, this really exists—an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year. That’s a lot of glitter. To no one’s shock, 85% of valentines are purchased by women. And .005% are purchased by cats.

By the 21^st Century, Valentine’s Day has become an accepted and celebrated holiday throughout most of America. Despite its Christian’s beginnings and extremely intimate sentiments, the secular “Happy Valentine’s Day” can be uttered platonically throughout the country without fear of being smacked or hearing the response, “You offend me.” Although some people say the latter no matter what. Don’t take it too personally. So why are certain items more prevalent than others on Valentine’s Day? Because of advertising. Not surprisingly.

Jewelry – “A Diamond is Forever” was coined by a young female copywriter in 1947 and is considered the most successful advertising slogan of the 20^th century. Before diamond engagement rings, proposals often included offerings of cattle, land, and other gemstones in exchange for a family’s daughter. Ahh, the good ol’ days. De Beers had a bunch a diamonds they couldn’t sell and decided to convince generations of women that diamonds don’t break, disintegrate, or lose value (they do) just like love. Obviously it worked. Since diamonds and other jewelry have become synonymous with romance, it was only natural that advertisers upped their ante around the most romantic day of the year.

Chocolate – Chocolate makers in the 1800s realized no one was buying their confections between Christmas and Easter, which did not look good for their first quarterly profit. Richard Cadbury is credited with creating the first heart shaped Valentine’s Day chocolate box in 1861. Chocolate has also been proven good for one’s health in moderate amounts. Chocolate contains organic substances known as alkaloids. The most important of these substances is theobromine, which works as a stimulant to the kidneys. Another important substance found in chocolate is phenylethylamine, which is part of a group of chemicals known as endorphins. Endorphins have an effect similar to amphetamines and are found naturally in the human body. When endorphins are released into the bloodstream, the mood is lifted and feelings of positive energy are reached. Dark chocolate is shown to be a cancer killing agent while a newer study suggests that eating moderate amounts of chocolate once a week can lower your stroke risk as well as the risk of dying from a stroke. Although “Happy Valentine’s Day, hope you don’t have a stroke” doesn’t have a romantic appeal, one can assume that if you’re giving chocolate, the receiver will be happy no matter what.

Conversation Hearts – Sweethearts, as the candy is known, are made by the Necco Company since the 1860s when the founder designed a machine that could print sayings on the candy like a stamp. Originally, the candies were used only as wedding favors, but in 1902 they became mass produced when the company figured out a way to mold the candy into hearts, hence the name “Sweethearts.” Presently, Necco produces the hearts from late February though mid January of the following year. Approximately 100,000 pounds of hearts are made per day, which sells out in about six weeks. That’s a lot of “Be Mines”. Stalkers across the world rejoice.

Flowers – The history of sending flowers on Valentine’s Day is said to come from the 17^th century. A daughter of Henry IV of France gave a party in honor of St Valentine. Each lady received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from the man chosen as her valentine. Roses have become the most popular bouquet given and the color of the rose conveys a different means, including how many are in the bouquet.

Red – Sincere love and respect; courage and passion

Good way to say “I Love You” without the risk of being rejected. Although, that might defeat the whole “courage” thing….

Pink – Grace and gentility; the rose of sweet thoughts. Deep pink shows appreciation and gratitude. Light pink roses convey admiration and sympathy.

So if you send a mix bouquet, are you saying “I was thinking about you, but then I felt sorry for you. Here are some flowers”?

Yellow – Friendship, joy, gladness, and freedom, a proposal or the promise of a new beginning. In Victorian times, yellow also meant jealousy.

If I lived in Victorian times, I would just send these to a single friend and say, “I’m jealous that you have freedom. What are your thoughts on killing my abusive husband?”

White – Spiritual love and purity, the rose of confession, the bridal rose; “you are heavenly” or “I am worthy of you.”

I get why these are used as a traditional bridal bouquet, but I feel like it might be sending mixed messages too. “I have something to confess…” never ends well. Especially when it’s the start of a toast at the reception.

Lavender – Love at first sight and enchantment.

Here are some purple flowers to let you know I’m watching you…

Orange – Passionate desire, pure enthusiasm, and fascination; often given as an indicator to pursue a new relationship. Also a business partnership

I don’t know about you, but if I got a bouquet of orange flowers, I’d be more confused than anything else. Not willing to start a business venture.

The meanings behind the numbers of roses in a bouquet came from the strict Victorian courtship rituals. While most don’t know this today, I’m going to guess if you’re asking for 999 roses, you’re pretty darn committed to the person. Or should be committed.

1 Rose – Love at first sight or devotion to one person.

2 Roses – Mutual feelings of love and affection.

3 Roses – “I love you.”

6 Roses – “I miss you.”

7 Roses – Infatuation.

9 Roses – Together forever.

10 Roses – Perfect love.

11 Roses – You are my treasured one; the one I love most in my life.

12 Roses – One dozen roses is a declaration of love and appreciation.

13 Roses – From your secret admirer or “we are friends forever.” Well, I was expecting a little more romantic than that…

15 Roses – I am truly sorry, please forgive me. What happened between 12 and 15!?!

20 Roses – Believe me, I am sincere towards you. No seriously, what did you do?

21 Roses – I am devoted to you. If the 15 and 20 roses didn’t work the first time.

23 Roses – Saying “I love you” with great affections. I get it, you love me. How about something else to show your affection? My house smells like a funeral home.

24 Roses – Two dozen roses says “I belong to you” or “thinking of you 24 hours a day.” Still smothering, but I think we’re on our way to something good here…

36 Roses – Head over heels in love or “I cherish our relationship.”

40 Roses – “My love for you is genuine.”

50 Roses – Unconditional, boundless love. If you didn’t think I was serious before.

100 Roses – Represents a century and says “I want to grow old with you.”

108 Roses – Proposal of marriage. It’s about time.

999 Roses – Eternal and everlasting love. And also a controlling share in a flower shop.