St. Patrick’s day is one of the better national holidays we have in America. There’s nothing political attached to it, like Arbor Day and their tree-hugging liberals. It wasn’t based on a lie that’s been perpetuated for hundreds of years – ahem, Columbus Day. There’s no possible connection to mattresses or cars, like somehow Memorial and Veterans Days seem to be. You don’t feel bad if you’re alone (thank you, John Mayer’s “St. Patrick’s Day”). And best of all, you don’t actually need to LIKE the people you are around, because eventually you will be so drunk you won’t care if they’re obnoxious. The only downfall I see on St. Patrick’s Day is the government’s complete lack of sensitivity. If I want to wake up early and drink, I want it to be a bank holiday too, so that my financial decisions don’t hit my checking account for at least two business days. Despite my patriotic involvement in many a petition and fight to make St. Patrick’s Day a holiday we can take off from work without being judged, I will continue to use my vacation days to celebrate this day (and the day after so that I can recover, and find my soul and possibly lost cell phone).

St. Patrick’s Day is based on lowly Christian who drove the snakes out of Ireland in order to make room for Catholics, beer, poverty, and potatoes. I don’t know where this story came from, but there must have been a hell of a lot of snakes in Ireland that we somehow felt the need to send them to Norway and Africa.

Obviously, this story isn’t the whole truth. But if we didn’t listen to half truths for most of our childhood, then nothing would get done because kids would keep asking questions. Damn kids and their questions, always wanting to know “what was the Spanish Inquisition,” and “why do we have to take off our shoes at airports,” and “why do I need to learn the Pythagorean Theorem.” You just do, kid! Not shut up and let me celebrate what this lovely saint of a man did to make mommy and daddy drink until they puke green beer.”