- I’m all for second chances. And sometimes third and fourth chances if you’re famous and interesting. However, there are times when we need to put a moratorium on allowing crazy to go free. A Qantas pilot has openly admitted he wanted to crash his planes between 1979 and 1982. Those years sucked, I get it. Disco was dying, major cities were bankrupt, and the promise of “1984” was looming and looked increasingly like a possibility. The pilot probably felt this was all he had control over. So get an eating disorder or start cutting yourself like a normal person. Don’t put hundreds of unsuspecting passengers lives in danger. So even though he told doctors about the “pain and terror” that encompassed him in the cockpit, the doctors said he was okay. This is why I’m glad I live in this decade. Those doctors were probably the same ones who told him to smoke cigarettes and eat lead paint chips to “calm the nerves.” The best part is, the airline has to pay the pilot compensation because his condition was exacerbated by them allowing him to work for the airlines. It’s like if employees of McDonalds sued the company for becoming sick after eating the food, even though when they were hired, they told their boss they had a heart and digestion problem. I guess personal responsibility died with disco.
- Seizures: Now brought to you in a convenient, hand-held device for under $1000 dollars. Get you suing shoes on, kids!
- Apparently, flowers are losing their scent “due to global warming.” All right, time for my favorite game: Six Degrees of Blame This on Obama. Ready…set…go. Flowers are grown in gardens. Michelle Obama planted a garden at the White House. The Obamas’ dog (like all dogs), like to dig up flowers. Therefore, Bo is digging up all the flowers in the world.
- An 18-year-old girl who was on Wife Swap when she was fifteen wants to sue Disney and ABC for $100 million, claiming they “intentionally ruined her life.” First of all, don’t all teenage girls believe adults are trying to ruin their lives? This is nothing new. Be more original, girlie. Next, she says the producers on the show fed her lines and edited the clips to make her appear “spoiled and selfish.” Now you must be the only person in America who doesn’t realize that reality shows aren’t real. Plus, you are the only child of two rich parents and you are also a beauty queen. What other labels did you expect them to throw your way? Humble and diplomatic? She also states the excessive taunting and verbal abuse from her peers forced her to finish high school in a “special program.” Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are a beauty queen in Buffalo. You were going to get ridiculed no matter what. As for your “special high school program…” For all we know, the hairspray could have seeped into your brain cells and you were on the path to stripper bars and unresolved daddy issues long before you were followed around by a camera crew.
Lower It Up 