Some Americans don’t believe they should have to pay for a stranger’s health insurance. However, I don’t think insured people understand how insurance actually works. According the Wikipedia (the ONLY reliable source, tongue-in-cheek), “Health insurance like other forms of insurance is a form of collectivism by means of which people collectively pool their risk, in this case the risk of incurring medical expenses.”

You do realize that RIGHT NOW, someone else is paying for your health insurance and you are paying for some stranger. Your employer is also paying for you and the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you. So now that we’ve gotten the obvious out of the way, I’m going to explain how insurance works for people who are just getting started on this planet.

Let’s say you are young and healthy and are going to buy a car. It’s a brand new German car so you know all the equipment is going to be in tip-top German-esque shape. You also know the safety equipment is the most up-to-date. And since it’s new, there’s no history of crashes or problems with the car. Now, since it’s your first brand new car, you are going to take extra good care of it. You will wash it. You won’t roll through stop signs. You also will use the built-in Bluetooth for your cell phone, the voice recognition for the internet and music, and GPS for directions. But then a runaway Toyota comes out of nowhere and hits you! Luckily for both of the drivers, a law requires that you bought insurance so the repairs are covered, and so are also any injuries from the car accident. Perfect. Everyone wins. Until you go into the MRI machine and they find out you have a brain tumor from the Bluetooth and Wi-Fi waves inside your car. Is car insurance going to pay for that? Nope. But you have health insurance. A law required you to get health insurance, just like the law required that you get car insurance. Phew! Everybody wins again! Well, except Toyota. They’re still in big trouble financially. See, it’s so easy.

A runaway Prius: the country’s biggest threat to our freedom (to be a self-righteous a-hole).

I can understand why people are upset that they must bear the brunt of irresponsible members of society. But it’s not the 24 year olds on their parents’ insurance or the alcoholics who like meth or the professional base-jumpers that I mind paying for. It’s the girls on the “Rock of Love” bus and Bobby Brown and Tiger Woods’ mistresses that i really have a problem sharing my tax money with. Is it possible to have the government implement an opt-out clause for ridiculous human beings?

Ugh…they just scream “socialism”

My new favorite argument is that it is “unfair” that single and/or infertile people “have to” pay for maternity and labor and delivery care for pregnant women. I have three things to ask those people: 1, Do you like humans? 2, Do you like humans more or less than robots? 3, Do you want attractive, healthy, strong humans to surround you in 20 years when the robots invade? THEN PAY SEVEN CENTS A MONTH TO HAVE A BABY BORN WITH TEN FINGERS AND TEN TOES!

You may think this is the beginning of an awesome life of a superhero. But superheroes have issues, too. They like capes. Enough said.

I also appreciate that people will complain about the “health surcharge,” which will basically charge you about a dollar on each order of food you make. The charge is to make it able for the restaurant employers to pay their low wage employees’ health insurance. Are you really going to complain about this, people? I don’t like mucus on my food. I also don’t like coughing, sneezing, sniffling people around my food. So unless you like testing your immune system every time you walk into Burger King, I’m going to shut up and pay the extra money on my already ridiculously cheap hamburger.

Now, I understand that several state attorney generals want to sue the federal government for violating their 10th Amendment rights. That’s fine and dandy. Sue away. We’re America. It’s what we’re good at. However, let’s take into account that your already financially suffering state government is going to sink millions of dollars of tax payer money into fighting an unobtainable fight, and in the process postponing the allocation and distribution of funds to your state. So you need to ask yourself, “Do I like potholes or do I like TB more?” Because those are your two options right now.