Jay-Z says he has ninety-nine problems, but really, he only has 72, according to his song. Perhaps one of his problems is that he can’t count. So now we’re down to 98.

98. Jay-Z feels sorry for his “boys” because they are in trouble with their girlfriends.

97. Jay-Z’s entourage carries guns or is “on the gat patrol”. I think his problem here is that he is using words that no one remembers from the 1920s.

96-95. His enemies want to make sure his casket’s closed. I’m going to label this as two problems, because his enemies want to make sure he’s dead. But they also want to make sure it will be a closed-casket funeral. This sounds pretty violent.

94. Rap critics say he is all about the “Money Cash Hoes.” Labels are difficult to deal with.

93. He IS from the hood (stupid) and therefore,

92. He doesn’t know what type of facts people say. It is a shame when you don’t know what people are saying about you.

91. Jay-Z grew up with holes in his “zapatos” (shoes). But at least he’s bilingual.

90. Just like everyone else, Jay-Z feels like he shouldn’t be berated for celebrating because he has money now.

89. He also realizes that there is problems in celebrating the minute you get money.

88. He tells critics to kiss his “whole a**hole.” Now this may not be a problem now, but I imagine some folks might take this literally in the future.

87. If you don’t like his lyrics, Jay-Z tells people to press fast forward. I feel like he needs to work on his confidence.

86. He has issues with radios AFTER he doesn’t play their shows. Jay-Z is having problems with hypotheticals.

85. But they don’t play his hits.

84. Rap magazines are trying to use his face without his permission.

83. The editors seem to think advertisers will give the magazines more money if Jay-Z is in the magazine. I would hate to be only viewed as a marketing tool. I understand where he’s coming from.

82. He thinks people underestimate him.

81. He doesn’t think people can grasp his intelligence.

80. Just because he came from a ghetto life, people automatically assume that he’s dumb.

79. He asks someone to hit him.

78. He feels bad for his friends who are having “women troubles.”

77. He asks someone to hit him again.

76. In 1994, his trunk was raw. I’m not sure what this means, but I’m guessing it’s either empty or full of something illegal.

75. And also in 1994, the police were in his rear view mirror.

74. He had a very tough to decision to make in 1994; should he drive away from the police or pull over to the side of the road?

73. Same night: he makes the right decision, he pulls over. However, it won’t be easy after this.

72. He only has a few dollars.

71. The police officer calls him “son.” Uh-oh, does Jay-Z know the police officer?

70. The police officer is obviously early stages of Alzheimer’s and forgets why he pulled Jay-Z over.

69. Jay-Z is young.

68. Jay-Z is black and considers this a problem.

67. Jay-Z’s hat is really low.

66. Jay-Z is starting to get concerned that people might think he is psychic.

65. Jay-Z only drives slightly above the speed limit but still gets caught.

64. We’re still in 1994, and the cop now remembers what he needs to ask for.

63. Uh-oh, the cop now seems to believe that all boys who wear their hats really low also carry weapons.

62. Even though Jay-Z contests that his papers are legit, the cop wants to look at Jay-Z’s car. I wonder if the police officer wants to make an offer on his raw trunk.

61. And as things couldn’t get any worse, Jay-Z must have accidentally locked his glove compartment AND the trunk. This will be troublesome if there was anything incriminating.

60. Jay-Z knows his rights, but he’s taking a chance by asking police officer if he had a warrant. It’s a risky move.

59. Jay-Z is not a lawyer.

58. Jay-Z didn’t pass the bar.

57. Jay-Z only knows a little bit.

56. Jay-Z doesn’t feel as if he is someone important.

55. Also, In 1994, Jay-Z was threatened when a cop challenged him to a “smart-off” with the police dogs.

54. Jay-Z keeps asking someone to hit him.

53. He still feels bad for his friends and their “lady troubles.”

52. Perhaps Jay-Z should stop asking folks to hit them. Because you ask enough time and someone will oblige.

51. Jay-Z considers himself a “n*gga.” This can’t do very well for his self-esteem.

50. Jay-Z often feels he must get angry at prostitutes and,

49. He often resorts to violence.

48. Jay-Z has taken it upon himself to explain the definition of “p*ssy” to those who don’t know. This is a hard cross to burden.

47. Jay-Z also feels the burden to pray for people in his life who love to perform. I also pray for actors whenever I can.

46. Jay-Z has friends who are as loud of motor vehicles.

45. Jay-Z is apparently in a fruit fight. But no worries because these “performers” can’t bust grapes. They must be invalids.

44. Jay-Z will involuntarily clap.

43. Jay-Z has a captain that he must report to.

42. Jay-Z is trapped in a Kit Kat bar.

41. Despite his best efforts, he seems to be back in the “system.”

40. The riff-raff are also in the system with him. Jay-Z must be trapped in a Charles Dickens’ novel.

39. Jay-Z is surrounded by fiends who are scratching on his new hardwood floors and ruining the finish.

38. And those fiends seem to have a very interested paparazzi.

37. The DA is trying to give Jay-Z the shaft.

36. Again.

35. Jay-Z’s bail is $500,000.

34. Jay-Z believes his bail is so high because he is of African descent.

33. Someone was harassing someone. I don’t know if this pertains directly to Jay-Z, but it’s still a problem.

32. Jay-Z is treated like he is saccharine. So the problem here is, Jay-Z is told he is sweet but has no energy.

31. Jay-Z is still trying to fight his “sweet” label.

30. Jay-Z doesn’t know how he holds his gun.

29. Again, he asks someone to hit him. I beg of you Jay-Z, please stop asking people to hit you.

28. Someone named “Rick” is crazy.

27. Jay-Z is this crazy person’s “boy.” Perhaps he is the son of the confused police officer.

26-1. Jay-Z becomes a multimillionaire and marries a beautiful songstress who will birth his babies and get him mentions in the New York Times.