There are literally thousands of things I regret from college. Actually going to college though, is not one of them. However, Sallie-Mae collections are hell bent on making me believe that I should regret it, and every decision I made since then.

“Now and then again, I think of all the times you screwed me over…Had me believing it was always something that I’ve done.” This song was obviously about a conversation that Gotye had with a Sallie Mae collections rep.

Even the most under-rock dwellers are aware of the student loan debt bubble. I’m referring to it as a bubble, and not a crisis, because we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of the implications and long lasting effects of predatory lending and high-interest rates on a loan that is virtually useless. There’s no collateral, no assets. The only collateral you are signing over is your future.

Predatory lending is nothing new. Usury is a sin. And not one of those “gay” sins. That shit is all over the Bible. But corporations sin, there’s nothing we can do about that. Because corporations are humans too. They aren’t perfect.

What borders on evil though is telling a 19-year-old that if she doesn’t come up with $10,000 by the end of the day, she will be kicked out of school, lose any job prospects, won’t have a fulfilling life, and will be the laughing-stock of her friends. Not that this happened to me or anything…

Sallie Mae LOVES giving you loans. The people who work in that office must be angels. They just can’t say no. And, to add even more greatness to it, they will give you MORE money that what you asked for. So you will get a refund check from your school at the end of the semester and Sallie Mae still gets to charge interest on your loan. So. Nice.

However, Sallie Mae collections reps are sent from the bowels of hell. Internet trolls who comment on message boards even think these people are the lowest form of soulless creatures. While I’m sure some started out human, I assume working for Sallie Mae has taking away their will to live. Here are some examples of conversations I’ve had with Sallie Mae collection reps. These are absolutely true, because I record every conversation (with pen and paper, I don’t want to get arrested):

Me: But this payment will at least help you out because you work on commission, right?
  Sallie Mae Lady: Not necessarily...
  Me: So you don't work on commission?
  Sallie Mae Lady: Oh we do, but your payment is so small it doesn't even matter.
  Me: Merry Christmas.

Sallie Mae lady: Why can't you pay this (ridiculously high) payment?
  Me: Because I'm under-employed for my degree.
  Sallie Mae lady: Okay, and when do you expect to be not under-employed?
  Me: Ten years ago.
 (She didn't get my joke)

Me: I don't have the full payment for the minimum amount.
Sallie Mae rep: Can't you borrow it from someone or open a credit card?
(Someone should explain to her how credit works)

I could talk about student loans until I’m Sallie Mae blue in the face, but instead of worrying about, I have decided to capitalize on it. In the next few months, there will be tens of thousands of young people who won’t have to make that difficult decision of buying a new car or saving for a house. Instead, they’ll have to make that even simpler decision, “Do I buy milk or bread?” The best part about this aptly named “Sallie Mae Diet” is that ANYONE can do it, because you’re going to have to do it. Seriously, you won’t have any money for at least 15 years. And when you don’t have money, you can’t buy luxuries, like food.

Here is some advice on how to start your own “Sallie Mae Diet.” All plans will not work for all people. Please consult a doctor or the small print on a depression drug before starting a new regimen.

• Nutritionists and Coca Cola owned Dasani tell you that drinking water is good. When you have crippling loan debt, you cry a lot. When you cry, you get dehydrated. When you get dehydrated, you need water. Try weeping all day for added benefits of drinking water constantly.
• Cars are expensive. Not as expensive as college, but still pricey. Instead, make sure you walk everywhere. If you get invited to a pool party, make sure you map out how long it will take you to walk there. If the party is 60 miles away, make sure to get a good head start in the morning before the sun is too high in the sky. By the time you get there, you will be so svelte and sun-kissed, you will be the best looking one there and someone (anyone) will want to give you a ride home.

Healthy food can be expensive, so it can be difficult for those on limited funds to eat healthy. For those on a $1.54 a week food budget, here are some suggestions:

• Join a community garden. Even if you don’t know how to garden, tend to your plot every day. Move around dirt, curse at the lack (or too much) rain. Ask people if they have any suggestions on which bulbs to plant. You know, say garden-y things. Once you gain their trust, start to admire their vegetables. At night, sneak in and lift a few vegetables from each plot. To throw them off your scent, photoshop a bunny and deer sneaking into the garden and helping themselves. Bunny and Deer become enemy number one, and you get off scot-free. And with delicious food.
• Next, take a bus to your local big lots selling club (Sam’s Club, BJ’s, etc). Bring one of those large, cooler-like bags that are so popular nowadays. On weekends, there are plenty of people handing out samples. It can get tricky, because these sample distribution veterans are trained to stop moochers. This is where it can get tricky. First, somehow get to the employee break room. Hide in the corner and note when each employee takes their breaks. Then use this rotating schedule to gather up as many samples as possible. ADDED BONUS: These places usually have air conditioning/heating AND lighting. Two things you may have to sacrifice when you pay your student loans.
• Sleep is very important. Doctors and the internet state that sleeping has extra health benefits such as losing weight and reducing stress. Also, the more you sleep, the less hungry you will be because you can’t eat while you sleep. Or you can, but linen isn’t very digestible. Benefits of extra sleep increase when you can’t find a full time job and have to live in your parents’ basement. Basements are usually dark, cold, and quiet. Perfect environment for crying and sleeping.