The Cabin in the Woods

2012ish (this year is apparently debatable, but you get it)

Source: IMdB.com

Knowing this movie was written by Joss Whedon gave me high expectations. He is what I call “highly witty.” In that, his dialogue is extremely smart, but even a kid stoned out of his mind would laugh. It’s a rare gift, and Mr. Whedon does not fail to deliver. I actually giggled out loud at some. Including my favorite line of the movie, “Do NOT read the Latin.”

Even though I don’t [read: refuse] to watch a lot of horror films, I already knew the common themes and saw them almost immediately in this movie. Bad dies first, good dies last, the worst dies somewhere in between, everyone dies.

We are introduced to the dead kids almost immediately. They are:

• Blond anorexic with annoyingly shiny hair who doesn’t need a bra
• “Shy” red-head who has no qualms dancing around in front of her window with no pants
• College jock who looks like he could be 30, but definitely not 20 and no one cares
• Ambiguous race handsome man who is perfect for “shy” red-head
• Lovable pothead that somehow everyone knows even though from different backgrounds

The movie proceeds exactly how you would expect it. But of course, every new horror film needs a twist. This one actually a fucked up reality show to appease the ancients gods. Okay, Joss, I get this idea. But who the fuck is Bridezillas appeasing? And why would Cthulhu let a thing exist?

Kids get to house, get drunk (because the woods is fucking terrifying and you need booze to deal with it), terror ensues. They head to the basement. I actually enjoyed the “portal” idea of the basement. Kids explore, looking at the vintage treasures, deciding which object to pick up. I imagine if Pawn Stars was part of this reality show, there would be a disclaimer when they chose the diary:

“This object may be cursed with the bloodlines of 1000 generations, but the best I can do is smelly redneck zombies.”

Exposition…exposition…semi-creative ways of dying…exposition.

The movie ends just as I would expect it to: Sigourney Weaver summarizing everything. Her voice is nice, I wouldn’t mind her explaining the ways of the world to me. I’d like her to do my outgoing voice-mail message.

There were 3 gaping plot holes in this movie that annoyed me:

1. How the hell can a cabin like that have 3 huge bedrooms? I bet this bugged a lot of architects and feng shui instructors too.
2. There is ZERO consitency with handsome ambiguous race kid’s glasses. None. Is he wearing the frames just to look cool? Because 14 year-olds do that, not late-20 somethings getting stabbed in the neck with a sickle.
3. If Little Thor just had his hammer with him, everyone would be fine. Except the annoying blond. She had to go. I could see the pockets under her cut-off jeans.