The Woman In Black

2012

Do you know what it is like to be scared of a live-action play? As in, you see or read a play, and then you have nightmares for weeks? Well, that would be me, in 2002 when I read and then saw “The Woman In Black.” It’s worse than a haunted house, because you know at least haunted house cast members are either teenagers or unemployed/transient salesman.

As I knew I would this month, I just scared the crap out of myself. The play, “The Woman In Black,” has literally followed me for years after I saw it. So why would I subject myself to the terror again 10 years later? Because apparently, I don’t like sleeping or having a low light bill.

If you don’t know the story, Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) plays a British solicitor (terrible sub-lawyer) who travels to a village that doesn’t have sunshine or dryness (as I assume most English villages do not, but that’s Hollywood). He is a grieving widow father who is sent by his firm to settle the affairs of the estate of a dead woman. The town acts weird towards him, which should have been red-light number one, but Harry Potter is so afraid of being fired from his job, that he will do anything to keep it. Unfortunately, this is subjecting the audience to 95 minutes of non-stop suspense (I think I pulled a muscle stifling a scream at one point).

This film has all the classic horror films aspects you would expect:

• Creepy white children
• Muddy and bloody white children
• Victorian era white children’s toys
• Lady dressed in funeral garb PISSED at the world
• Harry Potter not having his wand on him

I watched it until the end, but only because I heard it was different than the play, and someone would call me out if I didn’t reveal it correctly. I won’t ruin the ending for two reasons:

1. I don’t want every post to be a spoiler
2. I’m afraid of thinking about the ending again

Now, I could go on for days how good Daniel Radcliffe was at his character or how the mise en scène portrayed the story perfectly. I could even gush over the simplicity of horror, and that is how most horror affects us: through our most basic fears. I could even applaud the dialogue for moving quickly in a play that often has too many long pauses for dramatic effect.

Fuck it, here’s a picture of puppies fighting with swords that I think we all need instead: