30 Days of Night

2007

30 Days of Night is one of those films that I thought had an interesting concept, but never had the nerve to watch it. But that was before I determined I could watch anything for 31 days. Including a Josh Hartnett film.

According to this story, it took a few centuries for vampires to understand the earth’s axis and rotation. Now I’m not blaming this on the education system, because these vampires are obviously not American. Or attractive. They send a human scout (who desperately wants to be one of them…because of the benefits) ahead of their invasion to the northernmost American town in Alaska. He kills all the sled dogs (nooooo not the puppies!!!) and destroys the only other means out of town, a helicopter.

All of this happens right as the town’s population is cut by 2/3rds because they are heading into 30 days of darkness (polar night). Most of the women and children bounce, leaving the most manly of men to watch the town. And Josh Hartnett.

Hartnett’s character is the (co?)-sheriff of the town. His weed-smoking grandmother is the dispatcher, and his brother is…15. His ex-wife is a fire marshal for the state and she gets stuck in town, conveniently when she doesn’t make it to the airport on time. I think we all know where this horror story is headed: more little Josh Hartnetts.

I’m kidding, that’s cruel.

When vampires descend on the remaining citizens of the town, they somehow go for the jugular but the victim is magically able to scream while dying. (SIDE NOTE: Drinking game–sip every time you hear the Wilhelm scream). This sets up a frightening scene of Josh rounding up whomever he can and hiding out in places the vampires have already looked for prey. Because apparently, vampires tag where they have already been so they don’t go back. In this time, Josh also manages to grow his signature creepy hipster mustache that somehow made him a “heartthrob.”

The vampires talk to each other in what I can only describe as a mixture of Klingon and Velociraptor. Very annoying. They also don’t clean up, so by the end of the film, they’re still covered with their meal from the first day. Gross. I’m still very upset about the puppies.

The vampire deaths are gruesome, but kind of creative. I wasn’t exactly scared, but there were enough jump scenes to keep me on my feet. I won’t ruin the conclusion because it makes sense, but it was still a twist. The movie ends with a look from the main actress that can only be described as, “There WILL be a sequel and I probably won’t be in it.”