I waited 6 years for Hamilton, so no one could possibly understand that…type of…devotion, okokok Star Wars fans, you win. But at least I know we can share this: lying in wait is EXHAUSTING.

As a youngin’ (term and apostrophe used loosely, depending on which decade you were conceived in), I was aware that there were 6 (or maybe even more) parts to the Star Wars movie universe. However, I didn’t really grasp the concept, nor understand the implications this might have on millions of people. And also, to be fair, I really didn’t care. I was 8. And a girl. Space was for boys. American Girl books set in 1904 were for girls. Those didn’t really intersect unless suddenly Samantha was captured for warning others about classism, according to Grandmary.

And yet, as the the new movie release day draws closer, the flutter of excitement is almost palatable. It’s like Christmas! But without the credit card debt and indigestion (except for those people who binged watched all 6 Star Wars films in the theater and purchased their body weight in popcorn and Buncha Crunch).

I went a different route. I asked my fiancé to show me the films. Here is the response I got:

Me: I want to watch the Star Wars movies before The Force Awakens

Him: DVD, Blu-ray, VHS, or Laserdisc?

Me: Um…regular?

Him: Extended version or close to the theatrical release?

Me: The one normal people saw?

Him: Watch in chronological order or release order?

Me: Can I just apply for a mortgage instead? There might be less options.

Finally, after many days of researching (jk, I just typed “which movie should I watch first?”), I settled on Episode IV. For those who are not familiar with film history, basic pop culture, or roman numerals, this was the first film of the franchise ever released in 1977, titled Star Wars (or whatever was attached to it, before/after/above/below–f’ it, i’m just calling it 1977).

Drink of choice for watching: an Irish IPA (deal with it).

First off…

If you don’t like reading, don’t even turn 1977 on. There’s like 6 paragraphs of text before anything happens. It’s a yellow font, appealing to the eye. At least it isn’t Comic Sans or Octavia. Gross. All you need to know is that there is a Civil War going on in the galaxy.

The action begins on a floating spacecraft, which I assume is vulnerable due to my extensive knowledge and experience with movie music scores. Two robots, or “droids” as George Lucas has trademarked them, are running around as much as metal and wires can run around and panic. A bunch of guys with guns start shooting differently dressed guys with guns. But when both sides shoot with lasers it doesn’t really explain how that hurts someone. They just fall over. Does it electrocute them? Whatever, doesn’t matter.

Darth Vader has entered! Rocking the best Laser-Tag gear I’ve ever envied. Props to you, DV. And with a cape, too. No one enters a room, er…vestibule, like you. Except maybe King George in Hamilton.

Next we see Princess Leia talking to one of the robots. I know his/her/its name is R2-D2, but we don’t hear what the Princess is saying. It’s fine, that hairstyle says enough. She escapes from the men shooting lasers only to get “stunned” by the men shooting lasers. And not in like, a “don’t tase me, bro” way. She just falls down. Doesn’t seem much different then those guys that were killed in the vestibule.

Luckily R2-D2 and his heterosexual lifemate C-P3O are able to escape the laser-soaked spacecraft, with, according to the next scene, all the User Manuals that DV and his crew needed.

Now, can we just note for a second that Darth is terrible at interrogating people. He murders them as he is asking them questions. Geez, Dark Lord, give them a chance to utter a few syllables.

Then there is a lot of wandering robots through the sand. Like Jesus and his disciples. Actually some of these sets look like Jesus Christ Superstar. But I’m getting off-Broadway here….

Suddenly, as if out of some toddler’s nightmare (or nightmare about toddlers), the glowing-eyed little Jawas appear. Who sound like Minions. In monk robes. However, instead of acting like the lovable goof-balls they sound like, they bring the sand-wandering droids to their giant trash compactor, which actually ends up being a Kidnappers Van for Robots. Great. Now we’ve added trafficking to this movie.

Luckily, our main character’s family has no bones about dealing in stolen goods. The Kidnappers Van ends up at Luke Skywalker’s family farm and Luke’s uncle picks up R2-D2 and C-P3O as their newest slaves…I mean, um…property. This is weird, I’m just going to move on.

Of course, this is fortuitous because Luke gets to see the first Vine ever, Leia’s message to a mysterious Obi-Wan.

“Help me Obi-Wan Kanobi, you’re my only hope”

Cryptic, I suppose. Unless you’ve heard of the guy, which apparently Luke has. As if all farming communities have the rumored “crazy ol’ man in the hills” story. Which, funny fact, this happens to be true.

And side note, what does Uncle Owen harvest? Sand? Other layers of sand? And if so, Luke loves kicking the sand and whining. Boy, you are ruining your crop. Or, maybe you are harvesting it. I still don’t know.

So Luke and his sand-kicking self heads out to the badlands with his floating car and new best droid friends in tow. Unfortunately, the Sand People and their Snuffleupagus creatures do not like Luke and his metal friends. However, in the end, they just seem to want to jack his wheels. Which is understandable. Sand sucks to shuffle around in, even if you do have that Snuffleupagus thing.

Then, from out of nowhere, a hooded character actor shows up and scares them off (and somehow also knows Luke’s name–which isn’t too crazy…it’s a small town, he has a lot of time on his hands, probably read the phone book a lot).

We figure out pretty quickly that this is the Obi guy that Leia was going on and on and on about in her Vine vid. So what to do next, Luke? Of course, head home with the hermit no one has heard from in decades! And he is going to gift you with a glowing probe-like weapon you have no idea how to use! You make me puke, Luke.

We now check in on DV and his council. They are just like, “Where’s the robots?” “Why can’t we kill that girl?” “Why do some of us have British accents?” But when the council calls DV out on his faith, Vader goes, “My faith is bad? Well i can kill you with my mind, so there. Still think it’s bad? Now, who was in charge of bringing snacks this week?”

Back to Sand-Land…

The smoldering corpses were a bit much, Imperial troops, but I guess when you don’t know if anyone on this planet comes back as a zombie, can’t be too careful. So now Luke has no other option than to take Obi-Wan to Alderaan (I believe in my heart that this is supposed to rhyme).

Wait, how was Obi-Wan going get to Alderaan before? He didn’t have a car? One of the Snuffleupagus creatures?

Speaking of which, I’m okay that the Cantina refuses to serve droids. They can’t drink, they won’t pay for anything. They will just roam around and bump in to things. They’re like children in bars. Or dogs.

And then we meet the Han Solo, who likes bragging in terms people don’t understand. Like people who quote power in metric. Or Hemi. Maybe Han, if you want to be “under the radar,” don’t name your ship the “Millennium Falcon” and brag about it in a bar. Maybe something more subtle, like “FlyBy 233.”

So now Han and his furry rug buddy, Chewbacca, have joined with Obi-Wan, Luke, R2-D2, and C-P3O, to go on the most epic road trip ever. Just kidding, it’s a lot of Obi-Wan making Luke feel bad that he never had a dad to play baseball with and corny-ass taglines. “Stretch out with your feelings” belongs in the Canyon Ranch brochure. Like on the inside flap.

Unfortunately, Alderaan is kaput, thanks to Leia being from there. So when the gang arrives and sees no planet, just a bunch of annoying Alderaan-ian bits, the ship is inadvertently sucked into the tractor beam of the nearby destroyer and home of Laser-Tag God, Darth Vader. Since Han is expecting a huge pay-day (sucker), he tries his best to amp up his group to be ready to fight. To which Obi-Wan replies, “There are alternatives to fighting.”

…says the dude who just chopped off a guy’s arm in a bar fight. Pshaw.

As the motley crew arrives, and subsequently stalks, through the Death Star, a very confident Obi-Wan decides to go off on his own to find DV so he can fight him on his own. The rest of them just make it their main goal to shoot ALL the power outlets. It…sort of works, until the troops realize you can just open doors.

All of Vader’s crew must think, “That crazy ol’ zealot” every time he leaves the room. Dude, your hostage is being bounced from prison and all you can think about is your “force” being disturbed. Take some prune juice and get back to work.

It’s kind of amazing that Leia knows where the garbage shoot is, even though she has been held hostage in a cell. And even if she somehow memorized the blueprints of the Death Star, how did she NOT know that the garbage shoot also was a compactor. Sounds like something you would hear every couple hours if it was right below your prison cell. Like when your fridge kicks on in the middle of the night, and you’re all, “No, that’s not a ghost, that’s technology.”

While the kids are trying to stop the walls from closing in on them with the least amount of physics knowledge possible (it’s a wedge system, people!), the stormtroopers get into the main “Communication Center” where R2-D2 and C-3PO were hiding in the closet (hehe). Stormtroopers, THOSE were the droids you were looking for and you just went where they told you. Wait, do THEY have the Force? Luckily, the droids were able to stop the garbage walls, but not the garbage monster who is still chilling somewhere under their feet. The manage to escape the room (I’m guessing by shooting the power outlet) and come across another group of Imperial stormtroopers.

“Oh no, a band of stormtroopers! Shoot one, and they will all runaway. Ahh I’m a crazy man!” –Han Solo logic

Luke and Leia try to escape through one of the open garage doors, only to find out there’s no Uber OR Millennium Falcon waiting for them. There are of course, stormtroopers. [Shooting, shooting, shooting]. What is even the point of these troops’ armor? These guys fall over as if the suit conducts plasma electricity. Terrible design.

(Break for Wilhelm Scream: 1:26:04)

L&L are able to swing away to safety, and we get to witness some awkward kissing (because I already know the spoiler). Drinking game moment, if there ever was one.

The Obi-Wan and Darth Vader Fight (Or How Waiting for Godot Should Have Ended):

After a slow Fencing 101 demonstration, DV’s light saber makes Obi-Wan disappear. Wait, it can make you disappear? Not just for cutting off limbs? That’s like a way better party trick. And who gets his robe? Even Vader looks confused (well, as confused as a masked man can look).

The crew (minus one mentor) hop back into the Millennium Falcon and try to speed away from the Death Trap, but not without first having to throw some shade at some pesky TIE fighters. However, more importantly, how does Farmer Boy Luke know how to run gun torrents? He looks so at home. Was one of the droids Uncle Owen “purchased” actually an early Space Invaders game? It doesn’t matter though, there is a tracking device on their ship, which will lead Darth Vader and his council right to the Rebel Base. Lot of rookie mistakes.

Eventually, they escape the TIE-Die troopers, and end up at The Rebel Base, which looks like every Modern Art museum created after 1971. And this training classroom has every haircut that was ever popular in the 70s. Male, female, and shag carpet. After a briefing, Luke is placed in the premiere fighting group to go exploit a flaw in the Death Star’s infrastructure (which isn’t, much to my dismay, the ease of accessing the garbage shoot and utilizing garbage monsters). Vulnerability and virtue breeds triumph!

After some “May the force be with you”s and another awkward kiss, Luke and R2-D2 are teamed up in an X-wing. Very “highway to the danger zone” moment. When they reach the Death Star, Luke starts to get a little cocky:

“No trust me gang, I got the force behind me. I don’t need electricity power.”

And command base is like, “No you have R2-D2 behind you and you just let him get hit. Stop being weird and use the guns we gave you.”

Then, all of the sudden Indy comes in! Er, I mean Han Solo and his furry rug man! And all the bad ships are defeated and some good men die, but they probably weren’t that important unless you watched 4 hours of deleted scenes.

Now obviously this epic film is just the beginning of decades of theories and arguments, so we know there are more to this story to come. However, they needed to end on a happy note (This is an American film, not some weird Icelandic feature). So the heroes (still minus one mentor) are praised and decorated at a large ceremony by the Princess (or is she a Senator now?) and a lot of her eyeballing Luke. Stahhhp! [drink]

And R2-D2 is just wicked excited he doesn’t have to listen to Leia’s Vine anymore.

Favorite part of the whole film: The Roomba Droids on the Death Star. Are you vacuum cleaners? Are you pets? Are you bait for bigger droids? You are so cute!

Next week….Another Roman Numeral!