It was 1983. A time when America was changing and people demanded answers and closure. Who am I kidding, that’s all the time, every year since the beginning of the United States. But this year involved….POP CULTURE!!

Drink: Christmas beer (obv, it’s after Thanksgiving)

Oh buddy, those scrolling words said we got gangsters up in this universe. Obviously not very territorial gangsters since the cast has been to like a dozen planets and no one’s offered to shake them down yet for protection. Except of course Lando. But he’s a good fella now!

I thoroughly enjoy that we get to see Darth Vader’s shuttle again. Although when he emerges he sounds like a slave driver, which is awkward since I’m starting to suspect these storm troopers and engineers don’t get paid anyways. And calm down, DV. They are rebuilding “Death Star: The Sequel” as fast as possible. Do you know how hard it is to get a crane in space? Or good drywall?

We next come upon the entrance to Qarth, I mean, some place in the desert. Oh it is Tatooine, that god forsaken place that holds the smoldering corpses of Luke’s family. IF that even was his real family.

C-P3O and R2-D2 are sent to find out where Carbo-Han is being held. And of course, R2 just rolls in like he knows the place. Until he runs into Bebop and Rocksteady from TMNT. Don’t molest R2, Silly Puddy Face Man! And you should get that goiter checked out. The lack of iodine in this desert might be messing with your thyroid.

The new droid prisoners are brought into Jabba the Hutt’s lair, where the music reminds me of what the inside of a toy store in the 80s sounded like. Unless…that was the point. Clever, marketers. Clever, Lucas. And in order to make sure it is extra weird, after Jabba views Luke’s Vine plea to release Carb0-Han, he sends off the droids to be tortured. The public relations of this place are a nightmare.

Next, a mysterious bounty hunter shows up with Chewbacca (whose hair is looking a hot mess) and wants a reward. Obviously this is a ploy, because we next see Lando’s eyes watching carefully. Chewy is sold, the bounty hunter gets paid, and the next scene is what Studio 54 probably looked like after hours. With less prosthetics.

Leia (who was the bounty hunter all ALONG!), releases Han from his carbonite prison. I wonder what someone smells like after being reanimated from carbonite. And even though Leia’s got that new hairstyle going strong, Han is temporarily BLIND and can’t even see it. Such a shame. But it was so strong, Jabba wants to buy her, of course. Probably because he’s been trying to turn off Han’s carbonite prison for weeks and couldn’t figure out which ALT-CTRL-DEL combo he needed.

Luke walks in (not rocking the cape nearly as well as dad), and immediately uses the force on Rocksteady and Bebop to get past the obviously very flawed security system. He sees that Leia is chained and his friends are in prison and obviously Jabba’s obsession with ridiculously fashioned bikinis has recently made him CEO of Victoria’s Secret and therefore the most powerful hedonist in the land. Luke is in a tough pickle. Luckily, he doesn’t have much time to think as he is thrown into a fighting ring which what I suspect is NOT with a bunch of puppies.

Given what I’ve seen so far, the scene in Rancor’s cave would be much more realistic if the Hutts were throwing down money on this cock fight. It’s also kind of funny that Luke knew to look for the emergency exits, as if he was off for the past few weeks learning how to be an ace flight attendant. His skills allow him to defeat the monster, but obviously this isn’t enough for Beanbag Chair Man (at least I think its’s a male; Jabba might just be blob, which could be a gender identity nowadays).

Han is still blind and didn’t get to see Luke use his “Emergency Exit skills,” but what makes things worse is this laughing maniac puppet that is growing out of Jabba. And also the sentencing of all of them to “swallowed to death” by a nearby sand monster.

As they are speeding through the desert to get the group to their untimely doom, we see that R2 has now been enslaved as a cocktail waitress on this “Booze Cruise to Death.” But it sure was lucky that he was there, because after Luke breaks free, R2 hands him (spits out?) a brand new light saber! Congrats Luke, your power is back.

Wait, how did R2-D2 “make” this inside of himself? Or did he steal it from the Hutts? Either way, glad it is back, just in time to knock Boba Fett (who is a suspiciously loyal bounty hunter) into the sand monster’s giant worm hole. Bye, Boba Fett…Sorry we won’t get your back story until a book/TV series/concept Broadway musical album comes out. And also we should just know that EVERYTHING in this universe has a self destruct mode? So many unwarranted explosions. At least Jabba was choked to death. But let’s be honest, with his lifestyle, he would have had a heart attack at the next execution anyways.

Wilhelm scream: all the time (in fact I’m starting to wonder if people in this universe Wilhelm scream whenever they are having sex or win the lottery or give birth. Just whenever the moment arises.)

Now that we can leave this hellish planet (hopefully for the last time because sand is ew, gross), Luke just has to do “one more thing.” And that is “Going back to Dagolah” (I really hope one of you nerds have already made this into a rap parody). But he ditched the robes, because he probably didn’t want to show off TOO much of his flight attendant skills to Yoda.

We return to the half-built Death Star to see the actual Emperor (not Hologram Emperor, or as I would like to call him “Holler”). It’s never good when the red knights arrive. But at least we know the Emperor is a real thing and not a figment of DV’s imagination. Or worse, a powerful angel that he was doing his bidding for. Like Lucifer. Or Moroni.

Back on Dagolah, we see Luke and Yoda, who is probably disappointed Luke got a fake hand instead of using the force to grow a new one. They are discussing what Luke needs to do next, which seems slightly redundant.

Yoda: You need to confront your father.

Luke: Yeah, my dad is Darth Vader and I already went after him.

Yoda: You need to confront Darth Vader.

Luke: I know! I already did and lost a hand. 

Yoda: There’s more Skywalkers out there. You have to find them.

Luke: So I have to go back to my crazy dad who STILL wants to kill me, and find my long lost family? This is hard, Yoda. Stop dying, I need more than talking ghosts in my life. 

Unfortunately Yoda does die. And of course disintegrates. But luckily Obi-ghost is back…to SET UP THE PREQUELS! These films are the very essence of “synergy.”

It didn’t take him long, but I’m glad Luke figured out that Princess “Braids For Days” Leia was his sister before he tried to make a “family” with her. I think we all know from experience that inbred royal families are responsible for a large amount of societies’ downfalls (both real and fictional).

And then, the action begins and just doesn’t stop. Like you don’t even have time to breathe or refill your beer (or juice box if you are underage or a teetotaler) because you will miss something.

First we find out the half-finished Death Star 2 is being protected by a shield being emitted by nearby planet (moon? asteroid? sphere?) Endor. The Death Star-ians have a base on Endor, because if this movie wasn’t subtly about Manifest Destiny, then I would be disappointed. And yet their security is still lacking. They let the ship through with an old password! I don’t even think AOL did that in 1994.

Down on Endor, we engage on a race through the woods. And once again, storm troopers are ill equipped for any warzone. You stand out so much with those white armored uniforms. In fact, the only area you probably WOULDN’T stand out is if you were on a storm trooper armored uniform making factory. And even then you would miss your target by a mile.

Now obviously our heroes aren’t going to avoid drama. There’s still tons of minutes left in this movie and even more of Leia’s hairstyles to see.

And of course, true to her trope, Leia stays getting kidnapped by weird men. Although, these fat teddy bears seem a bit more kind, but also wary of strangers. Like Care Bears who were lost in the Vietnam jungle for awhile and still think there’s a war going on. Hopefully, they will just make Leia wear a one piece swimsuit.

Back on Death Star In Progress, Darth Vader is showing off his sweet evil room. And wouldn’t you know it, the Emperor just TOOK his chair. Yo, that’s DV’s chair, old man. He needs it to look into the abyss or the universe and hope his son shows up again to make him proud. “Cat’s in the Cradle” is probably just played on repeat in this room.

Obviously Leia’s disappearance is enough to send the humans and droids into a tizzy. As they go off looking for her, R2-D2 really proves his ineffectiveness. Droid, you could literally find a needle in a haystack and you can’t tell that Leia has new fur friends and that Chewy is about to get them into a trap? Well at least your buzzsaw got them out. Wait, you had a buzzsaw the WHOLE TIME! That could have been useful in so many other situations. Your opportunistic side is showing, little R2-Dude.

They escape getting trapped in a well-engineered net and get captured by the Ewoks who bring them to their tree houses. Those homes definitely inspired at least 4% of fans to replicate them. Until they realized they didn’t live near redwoods or on a movie set.

The Ewoks are a very tribal group and therefore (as all tribes in fake universes tend to do) start to worship the golden man (C-P3O) and sacrifice the humans (Luke and Han). But I still have so many questions. Like where did these short fuzzy animals find a form fitting dress for Leia? And a comb? What were their plans for Chewy? He looks like them. Do they even know storm troopers are roaming around underneath their feet? Do they care? Have they eaten OTHER humans before this, or is today an inaugural day of Human-Eating for this tribe?

Luckily Luke uses the force and is able to convince the Fuzzy Wuzzies that they really ARE gods and therefore they should reveal all they know about the secret power station and what they can do to defeat the Empire.

Luke reveals to Leia that they aren’t just siblings, but twins. So it won’t be the first time they were in a tight spot together before. When Luke tells her he has to bounce to go fight DV again, Leia gives him a face that basically says, “Brother, he took your light saber last time. And your hand. What if he takes your face next so he looks like you? What if he tries to take MY face? Or my beautiful hairstyles?” Luke obviously doesn’t hear all this and takes off to surrender. Han Solo appears behind Leia, because he is either jealous or just tired of humans. Don’t be jealous, Han. Leia feels more gross than sad right now.

On the Death Star, where I feel like at least two Scientology ceremonies are performed a week, Darth Vader introduces his son to his mentor and shows him the view from his chair.

Back on Endor, we will call this forest fight the Battle of nEw-Ok (it’s all owned by Disney, it’s fine). Although with the failed armor protocol that the storm trooper have neglected to update, it makes sense that clubbing, rocks, arrows, and spears would take down an entire regiment with laser guns. The catapults were the most adorable, though

On the outside of the moon, Lando and the other rebels are just fighting to stay alive. And we find out the “construction” was just a front. Just like half of the construction in Atlantic City. Or Dubai.

Luke seems to be annoyed with these two caped men he is going to have to deal with. And the Emperor’s laugh when he’s watching Darth Vader and Luke fighting is a tad…pervy, right? As if he couldn’t find this kind of entertainment On-Demand, so he had to set up a real one. Like Cirque du Soleil for even weirder people.

Meanwhile, in the children’s museum of old computers, Luke is hiding out from his dad and I hope secretly thinking (“I don’t want your life!”). Unfortunately for both of them, Vader CAN hear his thoughts. Oh shit, Obi-ghost didn’t tell Luke to not think about his sister. Ah well, a hand for a hand.

The Emperor takes a break from being a voyeur and tells Luke to kill off his father. And Luke is all of the sudden like, “Is this what Oedipus did? No, no…he fell in love with his mother. I was only in love with my sister.”

In a bit of parallel editing we see the rebel forces finally defeating the storm troopers and therefore making the shield ineffective (although if the Death Star was impenetrable to begin with, what was the point of wasting even more energy?). At the same time a SUPER angry Emperor tortures Luke with a never ending taser, until Vader is like, “If anyone is going to kill my son, it is going to be me.

Then that’s it. Vader kills the Emperor. All he had to do was throw the empire down a garbage hole?! We did that to Luke, and Billy Dee was waiting for him on the other side!

As Darth Vader lays dying, Luke drags him out in the open to have a chat with him.

Darth Vader may be dead but there’s still much to be done. Like blow up the Death Star (Lando’s job), get Luke off the Death Star (I knew one of those shuttles would return!), and reunite the entire team on Endor.

All of this happens and the Ewoks are so happy, they decide to throw their own Village Party/Orgy. In the midst of exploding evil space stations, Leia lets Han in on the family secret. Han is super happy at first, then gets a bit grossed out and looks like he needs a drink.

We cut to Luke who is preparing the typical Viking funeral for Darth Vader. Although I wouldn’t stand too close to that pyre…who knows what toxic stuff that mask was made of.

And just like any good wake, we end with a drunken party in the tree house with three ghosts and the perfect opportunity for another Christmas card picture, which I assume will be sent by Vine.

 

Two side notes….

Chewy’s hugs are still the best in the series. I hope there is a hugging machine full of Chewys out there. And if there isn’t yet, I hope they invent one after the next movie.

I’m really glad the Roomba droids showed up again in this movie! And just as useless as ever!