2012

 

Clowns are the newest trend. Well, not clowns, more like reports of “clowns being creepy AF” is trending. As if there was a time in history when clowns weren’t creepy. So with recent news reports, I needed an extra glass of alcohol to get through this one. Even though it is 4 years old and set in Ireland. I turned on subtitles because (I’m sorry if this is racist) all English, Scottish, Welsh, and Irish teen accents sound the same to me.

This movie opens with our title character, Stitches, screwing a tramp. I’m not being sexist, she might actually be a traveling gypsy person. While he is nailing her (in his costume and makeup), she sees a painted egg and says “that looks like you.” Don’t worry, this is important later. As all revelations during sex scenes in horror movies are.

Anyways, Stitches is late for his afternoon gig, which is an afternoon at a wealthy 10-year old’s birthday party. Most ten year olds are awful, but these seven children are the absolute worst. And they prove it by making Stitches’ gig a living hell, and then eventually accidentally killing him.

***One thing to take away from this and many other movies: Close the fucking dishwasher!!! Where were you raised!?! A b-horror movie set?!***

The birthday boy, Tom, becomes slightly obsessed with the clown’s death and decides to stake out the graveyard near his house (where Stitches is conveniently buried). After the funeral, he sees a line of fully dressed clowns leading a creepy Latin-esque procession to the Clown Crypt in the middle of the graveyard**

**side note, if “Clown Crypt” exists in America, we need to petition to have those burned to the ground yesterday

Tom witnesses a ritual in the crypt involving confetti, balloon animals, and the painted eggs (see, I told you it would come back). The mourning clowns catch him peeping and give him the ominous warning, “A clown that never finishes a party can never rest in peace.” As if clown deaths at parties are common. Or maybe they are in Ireland. A lot has changed since Angela’s Ashes. 

Jump ahead 6 years later Tom and his 6 friends are super maladjusted, as you would expect any child who witnessed clown death to be. So let’s break it down:

Tom: Birthday boy, highly anxious, prescribed pills for anxiety

Vinnie: Tom’s best friend, obsessed with girls, especially the damaged ones, also alcoholic/pot head

Bulger: Possibly gay, definitely fabulous, over-eater, really good at splits

Kate: Tom’s love interest, turned super emo, apparently gives a lot of blow jobs to guys, especially to those in bands

Paul: Dick. Dick to the max. Only speaks in dick.

Sarah: Ginger who was doomed from the start. Alcoholic who also enjoys Paul’s dick language, as they are coupled.

Richie: Slight introvert/creeper. Enjoys taking photos of humanity at its worst.

Tom decides to have a birthday party for himself, which obviously gets out of control, because we’ve all seen 10 Things I Hate About You and Can’t Hardly Wait and so have the filmmakers. Unfortunately, one of the adorable invitations gets Irish-wind blown to Stitches’ grave. Which, I guess in Ireland, is how you invite the dead to wake up. I’ll remember this, if I ever go yonder the Atlantic Ocean.

So now Zombie Stitches is awake and looking for revenge. And luckily for him, no one moves or ever un-friends anyone in this town, so they are all at the same party, which is a few yards (or metres) nearby. Stitches somehow wanders out of the heavily locked graveyard to Tom’s house (which his mom was nice enough not to move away from after her son witnessed death there) to terrorize the original birthday party.

He does well. He gets through 4 of the 7 attendees in valiant fashion akin to how each of them treated him on his last day alive. In fact, there should be a genre for this inventive and versatile ways of killing those who have slightly wronged the villian. Maybe #CleverGore. I’ll market it later.

The three leftovers (Tom, Vinnie, Kate) now understand that normal ways of killing a person (head bash, knife to the eye, trip over dishwasher) aren’t going to work on Zombie Stitches. Then Tom remembers the egg and sets off to the clown crypt to destroy it. Unfortunately Zombie Stitches also realizes what they are up to and is quick behind. Tom finds the egg but is knocked out by Stitches’ spring-loaded punch fist (which is hopefully illegal in America: concealed guns or none).

Ultimately, the three clever teens get Zombie Stitches to trip over himself and crack the egg himself, which results in a Zombie Stitches full-on egg blowout. All the yolk and whites. Those kids definitely got Salmonella after that night.

 The epilogue (6 months later – the standard time for you to get over 4 teenagers murdered in your home), begins with a FOR SALE sign and Tom and Kate together as kissy face, but severely psychologically fucked up couple. Seriously, both of you will be on medication and in therapy the rest of your lives.

If nothing else, these movies prove that rich Irish teen are hilarious, and also I want to know what the “Irish gypsy” life is like.