1984

Stephen King is really good at making the innocent become un-innocent. Dogs. Cars. Children. Clowns. Actually clowns were always scary as hell. King just capitalized on a normal inborn fear. I avoided this movie for the same reason I avoided a lot of King’s movies: my fear of insomnia. However, it should be noted that this movie bothers me more than scares me. The logistics just don’t make any sense. If an entire town died (even a town in Nebraska), someone would get wind of it. Even before Twitter, at least one truck driver along his route would be like “Hey, why don’t I deliver to that town anymore? Ah well, they must have become self-sufficient.”

The narrator is a survivor of the massacre that ended up with the entire town’s adult population dead and enslaved kids following an Amish-looking child leader, Isaac. I would NOT have wanted to be in that casting call room looking for the creepiest child in America. Isaac’s right hand ginger, Malachi, who is also competing for top creepy murderer, does most of the bidding.

While the rest of the children seem to have gone along willingly with whatever Isaac is spewing (kids are dumb), the narrator and his sister aren’t having any of it, and try to figure out ways to leave without being murdered first. They are also on a time crunch, since everyone in this new world is murdered (sorry, sacrificed) on their 19th birthday. They didn’t seem to think this through that if you murder everyone on their 19th birthday, you’re not going to get any more children (of the corn). Unless teen pregnancy is rampant in Nebraska. But still, someone still needs to take care of the child until they get to walking and sickle-wielding age. Religious kids are dumb.

The real saviors come in the form of a couple, played by Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton (Vicky and Burt), who are traveling across the country for a new job. They are headed towards Seattle, where Burt has a doctor’s residency waiting for him. Here’s what annoyed me with these characters: if you are moving cross country, why is your car almost empty? Any other normal people would have it chock full of boxes. Are you gypsies? This already makes them suspicious. Doctors are dumb.

The couple ends up running over an already dead child who tried to get away from Corn-Town but was murdered by the cornfield, which is the second biggest killer in this town, after sickles. They realize something is up when they can’t seem to find anyone else in this town besides this dead kid and a gas station attendant who was spared in the massacre due to his access to gasoline, I suppose. The children of the corn end up murdering the gas station attendant (and his dog!) anyways against the wishes of the corn leader, Isaac.

Burt and Vicky eventually find the narrator and his sister and try to bring them to safety. They are chased by Isaac’s army and Burt gets stabbed but still able to run around for awhile, while Vicky gets kidnapped. Obviously they aren’t going to be getting to Seattle anytime soon.

Vicky is going to be sacrificed to the corn gods. Or actual god? Or a demon, who is also a self-plowing corn field. This is at the same time there is a revolt against Isaac, because some kids don’t like being told what to do. It’s now Isaac’s turn to be sacrificed. This scene’s special effects are so amazingly bad, it almost makes me forget that children are murdering each other.

In the end, Burt and Vicky defeat the corn field demon with a gas explosion and a nicely timed thunderstorm. So now they have two severely damaged children to take with them to Seattle. But since their car has been destroyed and full of child’s blood, they apparently are just going to walk the whole way there. People in King’s universes are dumb.