1988

The VHS box of this movie scared me more than anything else. I remember avoiding looking directly at it when I was a kid. As if the image itself would seep into my nightmares. I wasn’t entirely wrong. There is an entire genre of art meant to just creep people out and possibly make them vomit or worse. Those MagicEye pictures, man….

After a boy (Ed) witnesses the dismemberment and death of his neighbor in the 1950s by a supernatural beast, he grows up and for some reason decides to stay in the same house. Unfortunately they are in the backwoods of some southern mountain range, so “getting out of dodge” was probably not plan A or plan B thru Z, supernatural beast or not.

The boy, who is now a grown man with a son, runs a fruit stand and grocery that seems to be the only semblance of civilization for miles around in this small town. Unfortunately, this is also where any “city folk” stop by for their snacks and general douche-baggery.

In this case, it is a group of 20-somethings who love dirt biking. Eventually their drinking and carousing gets the best of them and they run over and kill the son, Billy, who was running after his dog. For once, the pet is safe! Thank goodness! Oh yeah, bummer about your son, Ed.

What makes it even worse is that the 20-somethings go back to their cabin and King DBag, Joel, doesn’t let them call for help, because he is on probation for running over a little kid a few months ago. He even locks a couple in the closet and knocks out another friend when he tries to leave. So we’ve got vehicular manslaughter, hit and run, kidnapping, assault, drunk driving, and probably a whole other list of things. Yeah, this guy deserves everything the supernatural and real universe is about to throw at him.

The father vows revenge and pays off a dirt kid (literally, the kid is just FULL of dirt) Bunt, to tell him where the mountain witch lives. Obviously the witch knows how to conjure up the beast we saw in the beginning of the movie, or why else would that scene exist? So he goes to the pumpkin graveyard. Now, I’m not sure if this is just where they put rotten pumpkins, or where an old cemetery was and a pumpkin patch had overgrown it. This is when I was told I was asking too many questions.

Ed gets grossed out trying to dig up the bones of the Pumpkinhead, but remembers what he is there for: avenge the death of his son through witchcraft and not proper means of the law; which out here in South Deliverance might be just as draconian as a beast mangling.

Pumpkinhead wastes no time wasting those “dirt bikers.” As a very agile beast, his favorite means of torture seems to be picking up these Dbags by their faces and slinging them from the highest tree branch. Like a less bloody version of the Claw Game at arcades.

Ed now feels bad, because one, he’s murdering dumb kids, and two, every time Pumpkinhead murders a Dbag, he feels it too, because he is slowly becoming Pumpkinhead. Obviously this witch isn’t like Ursula, who had the decency to write up a contract before ruining someone’s life. No honor among hillfolk, I guess.

He tries to stop the beast but ends up just getting killed himself. But that’s okay, because once he dies, so does the beast. But two out of the six 20-somethings are still alive. Not a bad body count for a cult horror movie. However, now the only grocer in the area is now gone with no heir to take over. That witch better be damn good at washing fruit. And not just pumpkins.