2015

The film begins in the Vatican, where apparently non-Tom Hanks movies are allowed to be set. Two cardinals are reviewing a tape of a very ill looking young woman who exhibits all the signs of being possessed by a demon: sweating, no makeup, terribly greasy hair, and of course the intermittent demon mark on her face.

In a series of flashbacks, we find out the woman (Angela…too easy) is a fan of posting and answering questions about demons and satanism online. Her boyfriend, Pete is getting together a surprise party for her 25th birthday and her very religious army dad is joining them.

She cuts her finger while cutting the cake and reluctantly heads to the hospital for a seemingly innocuous injury. Of course, it isn’t. Because I’ve seen this before, except her “accident” is about to affect a whole slew of people. First ravens start following her around. Then she causes two car accidents; the last one sends her into a coma for 40 days. When they get her to wake up, she isn’t the same.

A priest played by Michael Peña tries to help her by committing her to a mental hospital. I guess demons don’t like 200 thread count bed sheets, because Angela slowly begins murdering everyone around her. The hospital is finally like, NOPE, go home lady. However, instead of sending her home with just her dad and boyfriend, the priest convinces them to allow an exorcism. The priest sends for one of the Vatican cardinals. The other has to stay behind, because I guess he is the only one who has the password to the Vatican archives. Not very fail-safe-y of you, Pope Frankie.

The exorcism doesn’t go quite as planned, because we find out Angela isn’t possessed by a demon, because she’s actually the anti-Christ and she was born that way. So she’s not like a Body AirBnB for evil. More like the devil has a mortgage on this body, and he’s about to foreclose the world. 

Her mother was a hooker, so even though Jesus can forgive them, Lucifer is far more judgy. It’s kind of disappointing that the anti-Christ can be born of a normal Army Roman Catholic and a call girl, but then again maybe he isn’t her father. Maybe one of the Koch brothers is her actual father.   

Since no amount of praying works, everyone in the house is blown up and she walks away with perfect hair and a few extra holes in her body. Stigmata is totally this year’s Alex & Ani bracelets.

Three months later, a still alive Father Lozano (Michael Peña), shows up at the Vatican where the priest who stayed back shows him a room of horrors. It’s basically every shred of evidence the Vatican has been collecting for a millennium that show demonic possession. The Vatican is so emo. 

Apparently Father Lozano was recovering in a convent, because he hasn’t seen the news since the house explosion. Vatican priest shows him videos of Angela performing miracles and amassing followers. While she is getting TV shows and endorsements, she looks extremely dead behind the eyes and constantly looking for a camera to be on. She’s like a Kardashian now. Uh-oh…everyone quick! Go put holy water in their Botox!