2011

Life Hack: If you can’t sleep because of a scary movie, do a crossword puzzle. I finished an entire Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle the night after I watched this film.

The film was shown in one continuous shot (aka “real time”) which is an impressive feat for both actors and editors, but also a reminder that steady cams are the greatest invention since the zoom. Because you can definitely tell when they weren’t using them. Or should I say, my inner ear could tell. But that’s not the reason this film made me queasy. It was the ending.

At first you think it is your typical haunted house. The main character (who is in every scene) Sarah and her dad are trying to sell their old lake house, which is now just a shitty pile of bricks with no electricity, a mold problem, and no cell phone service. Sarah’s Uncle Peter is also helping, but leaves to go get an electrician. We all know where this is going. And it is not a dance down memory lane.

Sarah immediately starts to hear noises in the house. Most of them just innocuous “hey I’m an old house and I’m falling apart and should probably be condemned” and then it slowly goes into deliberate knocks and footsteps. A creepy friend from Sarah’s past shows up at the front door and asks if they can get together later. She misses playing dress up together. Sarah doesn’t seem to remember her, but politely says sure. Because I always agree to dinner with women who miss playing dress up. Sarah’s not very smart.

The knocks and thuds around the house get worse and she begs her dad to go check it out to verify it is rats. It’s never just rats. Except when the movie is called Rats. While searching around, her dad finds some photographs that he quickly hides. He knows Sarah is afraid of the dark, but still forces her to go upstairs where there is zero light. He’s an asshole. Also he yells at her for not throwing out her cousins’ things. Way to double down, bro.

While alone Sarah hears one giant thud and knows something happened to her father. She spends the next 45 minutes just trying to get out of the house. The keys are missing, some stalker is hunting her inside the house, and I still haven’t seen any rats. She’s still not smart because she never picks up a crowbar or sledgehammer, even though the house is literally littered with them. I hope this is the first thing they teach my kids in college: How To Get the Hell Out of a Haunted House 101. It can also double as a real estate course.

Her uncle finally returns and tells her to stay in the car while he grabs his gun and goes check the house for squatters gone sociopath. While in the car, Sarah puts her hair in pony tail. First smart thing you’ve done, girl! I really don’t think anyone would leave their hair down as soon as the dire circumstances start. But then she goes back in the house. Back to being un-smart, Sarah.

The ending is unnerving, because one, you could actually imagine this type of depravity happening. Two, it turns out Sarah was wickedly smart the entire time. And three, there is still a terrible mold problem. Just burn the place to the ground. Don’t let the next owners deal with that shit.