1988

I still will never understand how actors who were 24 in the 1980s played teenagers, but still look like they are 38. Also, when did we stop saying “go parking”? Eventually right? Because literally no one in my life has ever started a story with “So we were going parking…” but at least 43% of these movies have that line. Anyway, on to something we can all be scared of: Killer Klowns. In this case, these Klowns are aliens who both visit earth and appreciate alliteration.

The Klowns land in the middle of a field near a small college town. It doesn’t take long before they start terrorizing the town and the only people who can stop them are a couple, Mike and Debbie, who witnessed the landing, and a young cop, Dave (who is also Debbie’s ex) that may or may not be in love with Mike. Like serious homosexual undertones throughout this entire film.

They also get help from Mike’s horndog idiot friends, Rich and Paul, who drive an ice cream truck in town with a giant clown head on the roof. They may be the dumbest people I’ve ever seen in a horror movie. And I yelled at the TV a lot this month.

The Klowns get more crafty and eventually run out of townspeople to eat, so they go after Debbie and put her in a large rubber ball. I’m assuming they want to save her for either eating later, or mating with. Which is the most terrifying part of this movie. Although I’m sure it is a fetish for someone out there, you sick weirdos. The guys all work together to save Debbie and try to get out of there before the ship takes off. Because I guess the Klowns are done and have reservations on another planet? There’s no real explanation as to why they were traveling the galaxy, so I guess we just have to wait until 2018 for the exposition part of this movie.

I can see why this is a cult classic. It has the acting of a local car ad combined with the ridiculous costumes and sets. Honestly, I’ve been in musicals performed out of someone’s garage that had more more production value than this movie. Even though the Klowns are now dead, I believe they exacted their final revenge in the worst way possible: by raining down glitter. Nooooooo!!!