A monologue in an alternate universe, where Betsy DeVos’s logic is forced upon another aspect of society.

[AKA: A conversation between Betsy DeVos and anyone who asked her what the fuck she is doing here.]

BETSY: I am not a nurse, doctor, or medical personnel. I have never worked inside a hospital, doctor’s office, or pharmacy lab. I took maybe (mayyyybe) 3 biology classes in my life. I’ve read 8 books on epidemiology. I read The Fault In Our Stars. So sad. I fully and completely support everyone’s right to go to the best hospital if they are sick. If you can’t afford it, someone else will figure out how to pay for it. Not the federal government, though. Your county should figure it out, even if they are too poor. The public clinics are bad, and people need to go other places. I don’t think it is worth it to fix the clinics. They are failing beyond saving. I’ve never been inside a clinic, but I’ve heard they have old medicine. Just BUY new medicine. How hard is that?

Cancer gets treated in all hospitals. Except those where there shouldn’t be cancer. Because they are secret hospitals who don’t believe cancer exits. But guess what, I HATE cancer. It’s terrible. And you all hate it too, right? It shouldn’t be applied to people who can’t even understand cancer. So we should definitely just fire-bomb cancer and start over. No, I don’t have a plan if cancer comes back. Other people will figure out what that is.

Okay, I need to be in charge of the CDC. Right low. Yesterday. I am so rich, I don’t even need this job. That’s why I will be good at this job. Because people who are best at their jobs and the most diligent, are definitely the ones who don’t need the job. And my family owns a lot of the health products I will be in charge of soon.  Right now.

What’s Zika and Ebola? Is that the new “trendy” names? Are those other countries’ grizzly bears? It’s fine. I won’t need a job after this. I’m too rich to need a job, remember?

Oh those are diseases? Ew. I believe that people should get a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket to go to the other side of town to the “good hospital.” And just get away from me. I’m spending a lot of money on dry cleaning since you “people” with “germs” keep talking and touching me and putting me in room with “contaminated” congressmen.

Easy. Done. I can totally fix this system. I’m definitely ready to be your secretary of education.