The film is set at an old hotel in Connecticut called the Yankee Pedlar Inn, which is already a contradiction. That’s like saying the American Colour. This is the USA, we don’t mix British spelling into our own. We took out those extra letters so we could Tweet more.

Anger at etymology aside, this wasn’t a bad film, just…borrowed. The filmmaker was obviously a fan of older horror movie shots, and it’s almost a nice familiarity to the cinematography. Like coming home. Which is even how one of the characters who plays a guest at the hotel describes the place. I’m not sure if this is just a love letter to scary movies, or just someone trying to prove to his film college professors that he listened to every lecture.

The main characters are two employees of the inn, which is set to go out of business. The owner has pretty much given up on the place and is out of the country. The employees, Claire and Luke, are also amateur paranormal investigators. Although, they don’t seem that prolific since the inn is the only place they investigate. They also stay at the hotel while they rotate their 12 hours shifts.

Somehow, (I guess because there are still people who DON’T read hotel reviews online–AKA sociopaths) there are a few guests. A woman and her son, an old man, and a former actress-turned-spiritual guru, played by the Top Gun lady, Kelly McGillis (yes, I know she has done other movies, but everyone knows Top Gun).

Claire, played by Sara Paxton, has asthma, which is like a siren call for the paranormal. I don’t know what it is. Maybe the wheezing is at a frequency only ghosts can hear. I want scientists to investigate that theory, please. Claire also believes an old ghost story about a woman who died at the hotel many years ago, and possibly still haunts the place. She proceeds to tell all the guests about it, including the small boy staying there. If the mom didn’t bash this place on Yelp before, she certainly is going to after this.

The other front desk employee, Luke, says he has seen and heard things at the hotel even though we can tell he’s lying just to get closer to Claire. Because as everyone knows, all great love stories starts with someone telling you they see things that aren’t there. Even after Claire finds out Luke was lying, she can’t deny her own experiences. So the two get bored, get drunk, and then get bold. The trifecta of the start of dumb decisions. And their dumb decision is to go investigate the basement of the inn. Which is also unprofessional. You’re still on the clock, idiots.

If you’ve ever been in a basement of a New England building from before 1900, there is NO head room, and any normal size person has to crouch down. I’m assume because contractors back then wanted their legacy to be, “I’m gonna give you all this space under your house, but you’re ALSO gonna get scoliosis in the process–boom: you’ll thank me later.”

Horror ensures, obviously, because “drunk AND wheezy” is not just the name of a uncool rap album I’m writing. The only disappointing thing about this movie was the Lena Dunham shows up, but doesn’t come back later to be killed. Maybe in “Innkeepers 2: Death Forecloses.”