I know more about the urban legends of this film than the actual movie. Mostly because I’ve seen the E! True Hollywood story episode more times than I care to admit. I know a little girl died. They used real skeletons because it was cheaper. Some of these actors never recovered their careers. Craig T. Nelson became a weird conservative.

However, nothing prepared me for this wacky, disjointed early 80s movie. And I’ve seen a lot of 80s movies lately.

The movie starts with a little girl chatting with the TV. This isn’t really disturbing. But then again we live in an era with kids talk to screens all the time and their parents aren’t weirded out. They mostly likely think, “Whew, a break from them talking to me.”

The family lives in an idyllic suburban development, which is financed and furnished by the dad selling the same idyllic life to other unsuspecting homeowners. They have lots of a friends, a dead evil tree in the yard, and a remote control that can change the channel on their neighbor’s TV. Which is unsettling in itself. How powerful were remotes in 1982?

The weird starts to ramp up with a pet bird dying. Having a bird as a pet is unnatural. They’re dirty and live longer than you. And their tweets are more annoying than wind chimes. And as everyone knows, wind chimes are the devil’s white noise.

The mom is starting to notice even weirder stuff happening once the construction starts on the pool in their yard. It must be super frustrating to be a stay-at-home mom in a haunted house. You get a room cleaned up and in it’s place, only to turn your back and demons rearrange everything in neatly stacked pentagram.

Then a tornado hits and their kid disappears. Now I know its the 80s and social welfare doesn’t pay much attention to rich white people anyways, but it’s been a few weeks and NO ONE notices the little blonde girl isn’t hanging out anymore? She is a fairly precocious little shit, so even the dumb neighbors would notice it. And their houses are close enough to control each other’s TVs, so you know it’s not them being out of range.

Instead of getting the police involved, the family hires a trio of paranormal investigators who are a little too eager to hang out in this devil house. When they can’t seem to fix anything (or they are too busy being drunk), they bring in a psychic who tells the family exactly what needs to be done. They need to go through the portal in the closet that leads into purgatory and then out into the ceiling of their living room. Obviously.

The psychic explains that the little girl (Carol Anne) is stuck in a world where spirits are “attracted” to her life force. Which is kind of gross. The ghosts are keeping her there cause they like her “light”? This is how cult pedophiles talk. The devil is keeping Carol Anne where she is because she is the beacon that controls the spirit. I feel like the devil is reaching a little too far. Puppies could keep mindless spirits occupied. So could a first generation Atari. You don’t need to kidnap a little girl AND take all their Star Wars toys. Which were probably going to be collectibles. The devil is a dick.

The psychic sends in the mom through the portal to pick up Carol Anne. Not sure how she’s going to know which spirit is her daughter’s, but luckily she grabs the right one and crashes through the ceiling covered in…an amniotic sac? Maybe. The goo that’s all over babies when they are born. Luckily, a quick bath seems to bring both of them back to life and the family goes on their merry way.

Well, they thought they could. They decide to move out. Which is the first smart thing they’ve done in awhile. Not sure why they didn’t just burn the house to the ground instead of letting it wreak havoc on another unsuspecting family, but I get it. It’s California; got to worry about wildfires. However, the devil still isn’t satisfied and decides to fuck with the family one last time. By sucking their house into the ground. Which doesn’t make any sense. No house = no new little innocent kids to kidnap. This 80s devil is not very efficient.

The moral is, if you see something, say something. Even in the suburbs. Actually ESPECIALLY in the suburbs. I’ve seen enough murder shows with interviews of completely oblivious neighbors who are “absolutely shocked” at the abhorrent behavior going on next door. Do a horror movie about those people. You’re not human if you’re not nosy.