I’m confused as to why they tout this film as “based on true events” when the ACTUAL true events that it claims to be based on are way more revolting and squeamish. Maybe the author took a look at Ed Gein‘s treasure trove of human trophies and decided that chainsaws and meat hooks were more palatable (pun intended). Also, “The Wisconsin Trophy Massacre” doesn’t have the same ring to it. More like a headline after Green Bay Packers wins the Superbowl.

Anyways, back to this story of dumb young hippies and the family of cannibals they were destined to meet. The film begins with a news report that is actually a reminder of how shitty the 1970s were: cholera epidemics in San Francisco, exploding oil refineries, collapsing buildings, NO wheelchair ramps anywhere, everyone has that ONE friend who won’t shut about Saturn in retrograde.

The dumb young hippies (DYH for short, their names don’t matter), are driving out in the middle of Texas to visit two sibling’s grandfather’s grave. They decide to go visit the grandfather’s old house, after hearing reports of vandalism. Along the way, they pick up a hitchhiker who just got fired from the local slaughterhouse because a gun took away his job. I’m still not sure why Texas is red with all these guns just waltzing in and taking away hard working American jobs; but such is the march of technology.

The hitchhiker is obviously insane when he cuts himself with a knife then takes a picture. Although he’d probably be an Instagram star today, instead he’s just freaking out the DYH so they kick him out of the van. But don’t worry, that’s the first and last smart thing they do.

They stop at a gas station with no gas (it is the 70’s after all), and instead opt for some BBQ and use the knife the hitchhiker used to cut himself and another DYH was picking his nails with. You all deserve the Hep-C you’re going to get.

They finally reach the grandfather’s house and notice that a nearby farm house has a gas tank. I’ve been listening to these DYH dialogue long enough. There’s no possible way they are smart enough to be able to siphon gas from a massive tank. Which may actually be propane.

Obviously the gas story is secondary, because the group slowly starts to get picked off. One girl runs through the woods (VERY inefficiently, I may add), and gets stuck when her hair becomes caught in the brambles. Typical. If you don’t put your long hair in a pony, you will die. Just a little survival trick I’ve learned from watching 100 horror movies through my fingers.

The group slowly realizes these aren’t just run-of-the-mill murderers, they are cannibal murderers, which must have been tough in the 1970s. Every girl had that waif-like body type and every guy tasted like week-old bong water and patchouli. Not very satisfying.

The main murderer goes by the name of “Leatherface” and also happens to be hitchhiker’s brother. Their father runs the BBQ and their grandfather just struggles to stay alive. It’s almost cruel to watch the grandfather try to subdue to screaming victims. He’s not strong enough! Every psychopaths should respect their elders.

One girl is able to escape by jumping through multiple windows. The hitchhiker runs after her first but gets hit by a truck. Leatherface uses his trusty chainsaw to try to attack the truck, and the girl is able to escape in the back of the pickup truck. Where we see Leatherface dancing with his chainsaw as the pickup truck drives away into the sunset.

According to sources, this movie was first rejected as too violent, then panned by critics, then somehow became universally regarded as a “classic.” Unfortunately, it must have made the sales of chainsaws drop a little. Which is astounding, with having such a non-maniacal beginning. Just a little surgical device to make carving out people’s knees and elbows that much more efficient. Cutting trees down with one was an afterthought. So was dancing with one.