First off, I’m pissed this film title wasn’t saved for a story about a bunch of Wiccans who work an overnight answering service at a haunted hospital. But maybe that’s why I don’t get money for being a screenwriter, and other people do.

The movie is actually about a bunch of Northern Californians who get in way over their head messing around with an Ouija board. When I first read the description, I thought it was going to be teens, doing their teen things like having sex in the middle of the woods or wearing one earring to appear “cultured.” It’s not. These are adults. One is a doctor! One was in med school. One is some sort of “student” of “art” (Northern Californians are very vague about their studies).

A couple, Jim and (I’m not kidding) the Whitesnake video lady (Linda), have a party and invite over an old friend, Brandon. Brandon is the epitome of 1980s douche dumpster. He has way too much blonde hair for being an adult male. Dye that shit, man.

Brandon is in love with Linda, and used to be Jim’s best friend. So instead of being a silent side of the love triangle, he decides to fuck up the party by bringing out his Ouija board and making sure everyone knows that he’s been in constant contact with a 10 year old spirit named David. Ahem, Chris Hanson. Got a weird one for ya over here. Bring extra cameras.

Obviously, things go awry. Brandon’s car tire explodes and he gets all pissy and leaves, forgetting his Ouija board and his dignity.

Linda is bored the next day and starts playing with the board by herself (which I guess is a big no-no) and accidentally invites in a demon/evil spirit/ghost who is bad at spelling. The bad spirit starts causing major issues, including attracting the attention of a cop, who secretly wants to be a magician.

If David Copperfield lurking around isn’t enough, Jim’s friends start to get the brunt of the angry ghost. On what might be the most unsafe worksite I’ve ever seen, Jim’s friend is crushed by a pile of Sheetrock. Seriously, this OSHA nightmare might as well been its own movie. No hard hats, no shirts, tons of short-shorts, a thousand lit cigarettes. The cop should be investigating this construction company, not some med-school drop out and his girlfriend.

Brandon figures he owes it to Jim and Linda to fix the problem he brought into their lives, so he hires a psychic medium he just happens to know. The medium could be her own side show, and I wish there were more scenes with her. Of course, she’s killed by the spirit and the cop once again thinks it is Jim. And instead of bringing him in for questioning, he shows him how good he’s gotten at juggling.

Brandon and Jim decided to take a road trip and this is where the plot line gets weak. David, the child spirit, DID exist as a human. However, the evil spirit that took over these yuppies’ lives isn’t a demon like they keep referring to him as; he’s just a mass murderer who got shot by cops in the same apartment where Jim and Linda live—50 years ago.

There’s a bit of a struggle and some weak explanation about why Jim and Linda deserve all the bad things that are happening to them. They don’t. They’re just vapid people who live in Northern California and happen to be friends with doctors who dabble in the occult. Which is how we got social media. Or so I believe.

Still pissed there were no witches.