I know people are desperate for money and socialization right now, but do not, under any circumstances, accept an invitation from an eccentric wealthy man and his socialite wife to hang out in their Scare-bnb for 12 hours. The money isn’t worth it to be part of whatever twisted game they are playing.

That being said, rich couples have weird fights. I suppose when you take money stressors out of the equation, you start to accuse each other of being jealous and paranoid, and it just spirals from there to get out of the monotony. So what better way to settle that fight, then to traumatize five strangers and mess with two elderly caretakers in a rented house on a big hill?

I was aware of this movie (and the remake from 1999), but I just assumed it was a campy scream fest with innovated camera tricks. Which it definitely is, but I had so many more questions by the time this movie was over. I know I shouldn’t depend on horror movies for a satisfying ending, but if Vincent Price is going to play relatively straight for once in a film, I need to know why, goddamnit!

This isn’t related to The Haunting, but I still get them confused because it involves a house with a dark past and unsuspecting guests. One happens out of curiosity (and probably sex), and this one happens out of greed (and definitely sex).

The five guests don’t seem to have much connection, and have never even met Vincent Price’s character, Frederick Loren, and his wife Annabelle. Or so you think. The first person they invite (Pritchard) actually OWNS the fucking house. What the hell man? Are you that hard up for money that you need to rent to these psychos AND play their game for more money? This guy never ceased to amaze me the entire time. He believed the house itself claims victims by making the inhabitants insane, which causes them to go on creative killing sprees. Don’t keep inviting people over. Check for lead paint and mold. Rich people have too much free time.

The next guest is a psychiatrist (Dr. Trent) who specializes in “hysteria.” I’m putting that word in quotes because “hysteria” back then was barely a qualified diagnosis and often used to belittle women. So of course, there’s a woman who Dr. Trent is quick to diagnose with it: the next guest, Nora. However, we realize it was a scheme and misdirection, because Trent and Annabelle are actually having an affair and dreamed up this “perfect crime” to make everyone believe Annabelle is dead so Nora will go crazy and accidentally kill Frederick. But they didn’t count on Frederick being a master puppeteer! Rich people have weird hobbies.

There’s also a pilot (Lance) and a columnist (Ruth) who round out the guest list, but don’t offer much to Annabelle and Trent’s plan, except to be idiots. Which is supposed you need to pull off a crime that involves a “hanging” harness and a bunch of guns for your guests (some which contain blanks). Between the props and the costumes and puppets, these two don’t need a haunted house. They should start a theater troupe!

The movie ends with Frederick (who knew the adulterers’ plan all along) scaring Annabelle and Trent so badly that they fall into a vat of acid that’s under the wine cellar. I can’t tell if the acid was brought in or if it was already there. I also was curious how much a “vat” of acid costs, but I’m not googling that because I don’t want to be on a list.

Everyone leaves even more traumatized, and Pritchard is standing there like, “Fuck! Now I have two more ghost squatters in this house and rich people are going to keep using it for their twisted sex dungeon.” And he’s right. Because this is the Hollywood Hills, and mudslides and wildfires don’t have anything on the psychotic minds of bored people with too much money.