This movie.

Okay.

OHHH-kay. This involves a LOT. There’s aliens. Demons. Murder drones. Witchcraft. Time travel or perhaps other dimensions. Unnecessary shots of boobs (it is a horror film from the 70’s after all). Torture. Sorcery, maybe? Folk music, definitely. For the entire movie, I was trying to wrap my head around the previous scene just as another was sneaking up on me.

I should preface by saying there are a half-dozen sequels to this fun house nightmare, so I applaud the producers for keeps these actors and crew employed for several decades. There’s no corporation in America that can promise the longevity of employment as much as a D-horror movie franchise can. Looking at you, Sharknado.

Anyway, back to this mind-fuck. The “plot summary” on Amazon Prime was that a teenage boy and his friends go after a grave robbing undertaker. That is absolutely NOT the fucking plot. First of all, this kid doesn’t even have friends. He has his older brother and his brother’s….best friend, maybe? The teenager (Mike) and his brother (Jody) recently lost their parents, and the older brother is constantly threatening to skip town and drop the kid off with an aunt or something. And then wonders WHY Mike has terrible separation anxiety and follows him everywhere, including to a graveyard to watch him have sex with a girl he picks up at a bar.

Sex in the graveyard seems to piss off the undertaker who runs the funeral home on the property. It must be really tough to monitor a graveyard. You have kids and their vandalism. You have adults who for some reason like having sex next to dead bodies. You have witches who want to conjure of the dead. You have joggers and historians. Just non-stop traffic. Exhausting. No wonder the undertaker (known as the non-clever name The Tall Man) tries to kidnap these people for his zombie slave alien invasion.

Mike tries to visit a local witch to get some info on what could be happening. She is absolutely no help in dealing with the supernatural, but offers solid advice from a psychiatric setting: fear is only painful if you let it control you. Which is pretty deep for a witch in Oregon in the 1970s. But she’s not really good at being a witch either, which is evident by the fact that she let’s her granddaughter go check out the mausoleum on her own.

Everyone in town is clueless to the fact that the only funeral home director around is creepy AF. So Mike, Jody, and Jody’s best friend Reggie decide to take matters into their own hands and find out what is really going on and if they, learned members of society that they are, can fix it.

Spoiler alert, they can’t. Because none of it is real. It’s all supposedly a dream in Mike’s head while he tries to process the death of his parents and Jody (who died in a separate accident). He wakes up next to a very romantic fire with Reggie lying beside him. Thankfully, they are both fully clothed, but if one of the sequel involves they getting together, I assume it’s only because the Tall Man found them in the graveyard.