When I first went on this ride in Disneyland, I was a little nervous about jump scares but I was absolutely fascinated by the practical and special effects used throughout. I didn’t know much about the lore or even remember the story line. So I figured this movie that is based on the ride would be a bunch of terrible CGI and Eddie Murphy just running around the house and screaming while inanimate objects trip him. The most shocking thing about this movie is that Eddie Murphy only plays one character.

The plot though involves one of my favorite questions: What do real estate agents do when they have a haunted house on the market? This movie doesn’t really answer that question, but I’m very curious what happens in real life. Do they tell the buyers? Do they tell the bank? Do they try to sage the house and call it mold mitigation. I need to know both the laws and what is in the secret blood moon oath that realtors take.

Anyway, I wanted to have a “child friendly” film in my list this month so I could safely watch it after dark. I know it’s been 17 years since this movie came out, but I would not feel comfortable bringing anyone under the age of 10 to see this. Granted, I’m not brave like most 10 year olds, so maybe they could handle it better than me. But some of the scenes involve some violent and dark imagery.

I can see why this film isn’t as beloved as the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. For one, it doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be. Pirates was strictly, “yeah we are murderous, drunken bastards who kidnap women and don’t believe in oral hygiene. We’d be R (pirate joke) if Disney wasn’t full of wet blankets.”

But Mansion was a little bit more “silly” while trying to remain true to the source material, which has been updated throughout the years. I’ve only been on the ride twice, so I’m sure there is someone with more Disney experience that could explain it better. However, I remember it being a “black widow” situation where a money hungry woman kills all her husbands. There’s also a gypsy woman inside a crystal ball. Don’t know how she got there, but her lack of appendages means other people have to do her bidding for her.

In this film, Eddie Murphy and his wife are successful real estate agents in Louisiana (assuming close to New Orleans), but Eddie (Jim Evers) is much more of a workaholic and it’s starting to affect his family. The wife (Sara) gets a call about a mysterious property that the owners want to put on the market. Jim overhears and never wanting to pass up an opportunity (even for a family vacation), convinces Sara they can go take a look on their way out of town (“20 minutes tops” is their running family joke). Sara reluctantly agrees and their two kids come along for the ride.

When they arrive they are greeted by the butler Ramsley (played so well by Terence Stamp) who introduces them to the master of the house, Gracey who you can tell is obsessed with Sara. Obviously everyone in the house is a ghost, you just don’t know why they are stuck there until the gypsy lady’s head send the family on a scavenger hunt. Turns out Sara looks exactly like Gracey’s fiance who killed herself, which caused Gracey to also kill himself out of grief.

After fighting off annoying poltergeists in the house and a crypt teeming with zombie corpses, the truth is revealed that Ramsley was the one who poisoned Gracey’s fiance because he believed that the marriage would have brought ruin on the family. They don’t mention it specifically, but interracial marriage in 1900’s Louisiana probably wasn’t just frowned upon.

Once the truth comes out, Ramsley is dragged to hell by a fire demon (this is dark). Gracey, his fiance, and the remaining house staff and dead relatives are released to heaven. And the Ever’s family gains the deed to a house that hasn’t been updated in 100 years. I can’t even imagine the taxes on this much real estate in New Orleans. And the mold mitigation alone is going to be a fortune. They live on a damn swamp.

So until the theme parks fully reopen and we are allowed to touch strangers again, this movie might be able to carry you through. Disney doesn’t want you to forget they exist, even if Disneyland is an entire Haunted Mansion right now. Shuttered theme parks have their own creepiness. I can’t imagine what it looks like in there right now. Someone should probably make that movie soon: PandeMICKEY MOUSE (please don’t sue me, Disney)