You have to appreciate directors who put their name claiming a movie. If you’re going to own something that involves the crazy of James Woods and the unpredictability of a Baldwin brother, might as well go all in. Which is what I assume John Carpenter was doing with this one. According to the internet, this movie was his swan song if he didn’t have fun making it. I wish I could start every day of my job that way: if this isn’t a friggin blast, I swear to god I am OUT. Pension. Be. Damned.

Luckily (?) this success of this movie allowed us to have 29 more Halloween reboots. And I guess I can’t blame it. It is sort of fun. The idea of a Western combined with vampires is new. However I’m not sure if they meant it, but the opening scene is more like Waco then OK Corral.

The movie starts with you just assuming the people with the tanks, the weapons, and the chain-smoking priest are the good guys. These vampire hunters (led by James Woods and his inside-sunglasses) take out a “nest” which is the vampire word for “shitty hostel.” During the raid, some of the hunters get slaughtered, but all for the good of the Catholic church and continued use of powerful and ridiculous weapons.

So the next scene is as one would expect after a raid, even though James Woods (he has a character name, but I don’t care) is still worried they haven’t caught the leader of the nest. So he grabs a hooker to dull his worries and lets the rest of the team party it up in an insanely large motel suite with prostitutes, booze, coke, and priests.

Of course the leader vampire (Valek) finds them and destroys the entire party very gruesomely. James Woods just happened to be out of the way and comes back to find a Baldwin brother still alive and the hooker on her way to vampire transformation. This trio is now tasked with finding what is up with this extra nasty Valek, so they go talk to James Woods’ boss: another priest.

It doesn’t take long for them to figure out what Valek wants (which is what we all want right now): to walk freely in the daylight. Listen pal, the sun isn’t my friend either, but I don’t go around splitting humans in half because of it. You own the night. It’s yours. Have fun. Take after John Carpenter and name it after yourself. Leave the daylight to boring humans.

But I guess after a few millenia, some immortals are bound to get bored and greedy. So Valek and a bunch of extra-strength vampires take over a small town that looks straight out of a bad theme parks “Western World” and nest in the jail. James Woods and Baldwin brother (who was bitten by the almost-vampire hooker) find them and go to work destroying who they can. The “twist” is that the priests were involved in it all along because they were promised money and power.

Towards the end of the movie, I was bored with the obvious ad-lib and constant gruesome scenes with these 90’s vampires. I can’t tell if I am becoming desensitized to the violence or the special effects were just ridiculous. I also am looking at James Woods the whole time and thinking, in about 20 years you are going to get banned from the internet every few months for being a massive dick. Maybe you should go out walking in the daylight. I’m sure you already have your sunglasses on.