Serious question: are you prepared to see beloved stage and screen actor Patrick Stewart as a murderous American Nazi? Because if you aren’t, I highly recommend finding another way to ruin the memories of your formative years.

The eeriest part of this movie when I was watching it, I could totally see this happening. The last five years don’t make me surprised at all that Nazis exist, floating among us, and have access to copious amounts of guns, land, vicious dogs, and red shoelaces.

The plot begins with a punk band looking for gigs and getting desperate. A small time music journalist decides to help them out and contacts his cousin in the woods outside of Portland, Oregon. His cousin offers the band a small gig with no real details and they happily jumps on it, even though the address is at a bunker in the middle of the woods. Artists can’t judge. Maybe it’s just a commune that appreciates yelling.

Obviously it’s not. The band performs and realizes the audience has far more swastika neck tattoos then they are comfortable with and they try to get their things, their payment, and get out of there. Unfortunately, they happen to see a murder. These Nazis don’t play, and decide to hold the entire band hostage while they launch their Operation: Cover Up to make sure anyone who finds dead bodies can’t trace it back to the Nazi band camp.

This cover up involves no guns, and leaving no evidence. These Nazis are GOD awful at both. If you let a dog attack a body, they’re going to leave some evidence. Ya can’t blame everything on Bigfoot, you insane Hill Hitler scum. Nevertheless, the Nazi who is the least Nazi-ish decides to help the band. He gets blown away (even though there was a no gun rule) and then the members of the band get it with pretty significant gory injuries. Mostly fatal. Definitely ew.

Patrick Stewart is the owner of the Nazi No-Gun Gun Club and the creepily calm leader behind the cover up. He puts the next least Nazi-ish guy in charge who finally gains some compassion when it’s down to the last two people alive. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like the rules, or he has a change of heart, or he realizes Nazis don’t offer good dental. Whatever the reason, he helps the two remaining people escape, but not without first taking out a few more Nazis in the process.

This should seem like a feel good movie because more Nazis get killed than non-Nazis, but it just made me feel gross. Like there would be a news report at the end denying that Nazis exist in the woods outside Portland, as if white supremacy doesn’t love nature too. They can’t all be in mom’s basement! The Green Room could refer to nature too. It doesn’t, but it’s funny to think of Nazis just screaming at their TV in their double-wide, in the middle of nowhere, next to alpaca farms that do goat yoga on the weekends and grow hemp for local farmer’s markets.