This was the longest movie I’ve watched this month, because it took me 3 days to watch it. Two hours is a long time to listen to emo Brad Pitt. But I did it, for the sake of this project. And I probably won’t even do it again.

I never had any interest in seeing this movie because I was 10 when it was released and also I figured it would be very gory. However, even with several extremely gross scenes, you can’t underestimate the draw power of the HOTTEST guys of the 90s: your Tom Cruise, your Christian Slater, your really skinny Stephen Rea. It was a simple time in the 90s, when colored contacts could make you go blind but Academy Awards don’t win themselves.

The story begins in New Orleans in 1791, where America was so new it had no idea what accent it wanted to have. And therefore Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise followed suit. Tom Cruise plays Lestat, which seems like he should be French, but sounds both Irish and Southern at the same time. I think Brad Pitt just used “smoldering” as his accent throughout the film. It turned into whiny, real quick.

Anyways, Lestat is already a vampire and has been stalking Sad Brad (Louis) for awhile, then decides one night to offer to change him into a vampire. I didn’t realize it until this movie that being a vampire is more like a MLM then a gang. It’s not blood in, blood out. You become a vampire with your maker, then you have to make MORE vampires if you want to become more powerful, but then they ALSO have to make more vampires to perpetuate the cycle. Vampires and Herbalife have more in common than just thirsty white women.

Louis immediately regrets it when he realizes he has to eat people to survive and decides to burn down his house out of rage. I guess it was nice because it set the slaves free, but not smart Baby Vampire Louis. So now Lestat and Louis have to roam from town to town in Louisiana until they find Claudia (Kirsten Dunst), who lost her mother to a plague (they don’t specify which kind). Louis “accidentally” eats her. Lestat decides they should change her so they can be the only gay vampire couple on the block who also adopts a child and makes her wear way too much tulle. They. Are. Monsters.

Claudia tries to kill Lestat which now makes her and Louis fugitives from some invisible law force. I don’t know who they are running from, but they decide to go to Paris, where Lestat was from. We just killed our jerk of a dad; let’s go to his hometown to see if there are others just like him. Still not smart vampires.

Of course, they arrive and meet a group of Rocky Horror cast-offs who formed their own theater troupe. People pay to watch these vampires eat humans alive onstage and no one says anything. The French suck (pardon the pun). Louis thinks they are safe among these vampires who live under the theater, but learn pretty quick they can read his mind and know what he and Claudia did.

The French Vampires kill Claudia (the RIGHT way, with sunlight), and Louis escapes and gets to return to the United States where he is doomed to wander the French Quarter for the rest of eternity, watching as it becomes a tourist trap while they clean up the rats (his only source of food). He decides to go to San Francisco instead, where he agrees to do an interview with Christian Slater about his life.

I can see why this film has been parodied 1000 times over, but it had some good points. The fire scenes in this movie alone should be a Broadway musical number. I didn’t know Arson Acrobatics was a thing, but they made it one. It was honestly the only part I enjoyed in between Brad Pitt’s crying about being immortal. And I guess Brad Pitt took revenge on this movie, by becoming immortal.