I did not actually mean to do two 2016 films in a row. But just like now, 2016 was a tumultuous time and everyone needed something steady to hold onto. Like that fact that rich white college kids will always be morons. And in walks Cabin Fever (the reboot).

I actually saw the first Cabin Fever movie; one of a handful of scary movies someone convinced me to watch (and somehow without alcohol). In this case, it was a college roommate who wanted me to see it. I figured since Rider Strong was in it, how bad could it be? Well let me tell you, it was icky and I was immediately taken back to my dorm room during a lot of the scenes of this reboot. Because they didn’t change ANYTHING.

The script was almost exactly the same except for a brief intro (and outro) of social media. What kills me is that rich kids wouldn’t rent a cabin that wasn’t fully stocked with essentials. They also wouldn’t rent a cabin without internet or at least cell service. And one of their mom’s was the booking agent, so obviously she knows these kids are assholes and deserve what their about to get.

If you don’t know this plot, a group of five college-aged friends (3 guys, 2 girls) decide to “get away from all the stresses of being beautiful and wealthy” and rent a cabin for a week in the Pacific Northwest wilderness. Soon after the arrive, they encounter a drifter with a terrible flesh-eating disease who they decide to LIGHT ON FIRE to get him to leave. Soon each of them start to succumb to the disease, all while warding off extremely creepy hikers, aggressive locals, and the horniest sheriff a camp movie has ever seen. Brief PSA, kids: If someone more than 5 years older than you says “You look like you like to party” call the goddamn FBI because that person is a serial killer.

This movie is unrealistic because it wants the audience to believe that kids in America will drink unknown tap water. You have heard of Flint, right? Or frack-tastic Oklahoma? Kids aren’t drinking shit that comes out of a faucet. They will literally drink charcoal infused aloe juice first. And I’m no better. I used to bring a gallon of my own water to work with me every day because I didn’t trust the tap water. And that was one county over.

Infrastructure ire aside, this reboot was extra icky just because we have better cameras and special effects. There’s still no redeemable characters, except maybe the dog and even he has flaws. I was kind of hoping they would delve into the locals more, and find out why they are keeping the disease that can easily jump back and forth from pets to humans to livestock a secret. Were they cursed by a witch? Is a large processing plant paying them off? Do they want to keep their “gas station homeopathic cures” stand in business? They were the most 2-D characters of this whole thing. We need LAYERS, filmmakers. And not just the skin ones that will peel off in our hands (EW…that was tough to type, I’m sorry).

The ending of the original was better, because it showed that the horror couldn’t be contained forever, no matter how many guns you have to shoot at the bacteria. The right to bear arms doesn’t really help you when your arms are bare of skin. Although…bears don’t seem to get this disease. Neither do other water-wading beasts. Hmm, Beaver Fever could be the sequel you’re looking for, Hollywood. Or Canadian Hollywood? Whomever will take my calls, have I got some IDEAS for you!