This is finally the double feature I’ve been waiting for! I decided to do werewolves since there will be a full moon on Halloween (and some other name for it—corn moon? Harvest moon? Bugaboo moon? I dunno, something mystical that just means the farmers are working overtime).

I’ve always heard of this movie, and figured there were sequels, as any horror movie worth its salt in the 80s has. Yet for some reason, I thought they just terrorized a town because of some ancient blood treaty gone bad. But as I’ve been proven wrong in my assumptions many times before, so shall I be again. I really should stop making up the plots in my head and just read IMDb. I guess I’m more stubborn than scared of Halloween. Or I like making up stories. Either way, there is yucky scenes I don’t like to think about.

The film starts with a very disturbing premise. A news reporter is being stalked by a serial killer who wants to meet her in a seedy LA adult book story. I guess “seedy” is redundant, but let’s just say the lighting in low and the store owner doesn’t ask questions. Like “why is this fancy lady scaring all my customers away? Ah well. She paid her quarters.”

Now that I’ve painted the picture, the news reporter (Karen) is attacked by the killer and sexually assaulted. The killer is supposedly shot by the cops who weren’t doing a very good job protecting Karen.

The killer isn’t really dead, of course. The movie is called “The Howling” not the “Dead & Quiet Corpse.” However Karen is very much really traumatized. So the shrink she has been working on the serial killer story with suggests a “retreat” to deal with her sexual assault trauma.

I know Karen is very vulnerable right now, but if a TV shrink from LA suggests a “retreat” in a remote part of Southern California you need to run far away. At least they allow her husband to go along. Although he isn’t much help once they get there. Because he ends up cheating on her with a werewolf. This won’t go well in couples therapy on the beach.

Karen realizes quickly that everyone in this commune is a werewolf. It should have been most obvious when they offer her some prime rib at the Welcome to WereCountry Beach Luau. But there were other signs too, like the constant night howling and the bone jewelry.

Accessories aside, I don’t really understand why the shrink sent her here, especially since he was advocating for peaceful coexistence of weres and humans. I guess some people just want to watch the world burn.

Which for these beasts, it most definitely will. While Karen was walking in the woods, and making friends with people in terrible wigs, her real friends are frantically investigating her attacker and all the lore of werewolves. They finally realize Karen is in danger. Unfortunately one friend gets killed immediately. But the other helps Karen escape and lights the barn on fire where the entire commune is hanging out for their next full moon barn party? I have no idea how these rituals work. And there’s been like 8 full moons since Karen got there. I don’t think that rule applies to this universe. The APPRECIATE the full moon but don’t live their lives by it.

While Karen is escaping, she unfortunately gets bitten, but not enough to kill her, so she is about to become a werewolf herself. Which she makes sure to do on live TV because gotta get those ratings! And movie ends!

But don’t worry, there’s more! And it involves Christopher Lee. And Romanian villagers. Super hairy sex scenes. And puppet shows that depict animal/human rape. Okay. So not the sequel anyone asked for, but still got.

The film starts with Karen’s funeral. Her brother is approached by Christopher Lee’s character (Stefan) who is an “occult investigator.” Okay, fuck you LA. That’s not a real job, you are ruining funerals. He might as well have been a life coach. The brother calls bullshit but another reporter who happens to overhear the exchange wants in on the crazy and starts to investigate.

The reporter (Jenny) somehow convinces Karen’s brother (Ben) that this is very real and they need to follow through. Then Stefan somehow convinces BOTH of them to go to Transylvania with him because he wants to kill the most powerful werewolf. Okay, Stefan, you are getting off-track. This obviously has nothing to do with Karen and you just wanted someone with an unlimited supply of guns (Bumpkin Ben) and bait (Jenny).

We soon learn that the most powerful werewolf (Stirba) is actually Stefan’s sister. Hence the title. However everyone in this Romanian town knows Stefan and treats him with reverence, which helps but also kind of puts a damper on the town. They know the crazy American lady werewolf is having hairy orgies in her castle on the hill and yet her brother can’t do anything to control it.

This movie never would have been able to be made today. First of all, Ben smuggled in like 49 different types of guns and two knives in his boot. Secondly, audiences never accept just ONE song being the soundtrack of a movie over and over. Especially this Talking Heads rip-off.

The zaniness that ensues in this movie makes up for the fact that there is no acceptable plot. All of the budget was definitely spent on getting Christopher Lee. I honestly don’t know how, but it gets us to another sequel. I’m seriously exhausted after this one. I don’t know how people follow through on horror movie franchises. Every subsequent film just offers more ridiculousness and no answers. Like each election cycle.