Clowns are the newest trend. Well, not clowns, more like reports of “clowns being creepy AF” is trending. As if there was a time in history when clowns weren’t creepy. So with recent news reports, I needed an extra glass of alcohol to get through this one. Even though it is 4 years old and set in Ireland. I turned on subtitles because (I’m sorry if this is racist) all English, Scottish, Welsh, and Irish teen accents sound the same to me.
This movie opens with our title character, Stitches, screwing a tramp. I’m not being sexist, she might actually be a traveling gypsy person. While he is nailing her (in his costume and makeup), she sees a painted egg and says “that looks like you.” Don’t worry, this is important later. As all revelations during sex scenes in horror movies are.
Anyways, Stitches is late for his afternoon gig, which is an afternoon at a wealthy 10-year old’s birthday party. Most ten year olds are awful, but these seven children are the absolute worst. And they prove it by making Stitches’ gig a living hell, and then eventually accidentally killing him.
***One thing to take away from this and many other movies: Close the fucking dishwasher!!! Where were you raised!?! A b-horror movie set?!***
The birthday boy, Tom, becomes slightly obsessed with the clown’s death and decides to stake out the graveyard near his house (where Stitches is conveniently buried). After the funeral, he sees a line of fully dressed clowns leading a creepy Latin-esque procession to the Clown Crypt in the middle of the graveyard**
**side note, if “Clown Crypt” exists in America, we need to petition to have those burned to the ground yesterday
Tom witnesses a ritual in the crypt involving confetti, balloon animals, and the painted eggs (see, I told you it would come back). The mourning clowns catch him peeping and give him the ominous warning, “A clown that never finishes a party can never rest in peace.” As if clown deaths at parties are common. Or maybe they are in Ireland. A lot has changed since Angela’s Ashes.
Jump ahead 6 years later Tom and his 6 friends are super maladjusted, as you would expect any child who witnessed clown death to be. So let’s break it down:
Tom: Birthday boy, highly anxious, prescribed pills for anxiety
Vinnie: Tom’s best friend, obsessed with girls, especially the damaged ones, also alcoholic/pot head
Bulger: Possibly gay, definitely fabulous, over-eater, really good at splits
Kate: Tom’s love interest, turned super emo, apparently gives a lot of blow jobs to guys, especially to those in bands
Paul: Dick. Dick to the max. Only speaks in dick.
Sarah: Ginger who was doomed from the start. Alcoholic who also enjoys Paul’s dick language, as they are coupled.
Richie: Slight introvert/creeper. Enjoys taking photos of humanity at its worst.
Tom decides to have a birthday party for himself, which obviously gets out of control, because we’ve all seen 10 Things I Hate About You and Can’t Hardly Wait and so have the filmmakers. Unfortunately, one of the adorable invitations gets Irish-wind blown to Stitches’ grave. Which, I guess in Ireland, is how you invite the dead to wake up. I’ll remember this, if I ever go yonder the Atlantic Ocean.
So now Zombie Stitches is awake and looking for revenge. And luckily for him, no one moves or ever un-friends anyone in this town, so they are all at the same party, which is a few yards (or metres) nearby. Stitches somehow wanders out of the heavily locked graveyard to Tom’s house (which his mom was nice enough not to move away from after her son witnessed death there) to terrorize the original birthday party.
He does well. He gets through 4 of the 7 attendees in valiant fashion akin to how each of them treated him on his last day alive. In fact, there should be a genre for this inventive and versatile ways of killing those who have slightly wronged the villian. Maybe #CleverGore. I’ll market it later.
The three leftovers (Tom, Vinnie, Kate) now understand that normal ways of killing a person (head bash, knife to the eye, trip over dishwasher) aren’t going to work on Zombie Stitches. Then Tom remembers the egg and sets off to the clown crypt to destroy it. Unfortunately Zombie Stitches also realizes what they are up to and is quick behind. Tom finds the egg but is knocked out by Stitches’ spring-loaded punch fist (which is hopefully illegal in America: concealed guns or none).
Ultimately, the three clever teens get Zombie Stitches to trip over himself and crack the egg himself, which results in a Zombie Stitches full-on egg blowout. All the yolk and whites. Those kids definitely got Salmonella after that night.
The epilogue (6 months later – the standard time for you to get over 4 teenagers murdered in your home), begins with a FOR SALE sign and Tom and Kate together as kissy face, but severely psychologically fucked up couple. Seriously, both of you will be on medication and in therapy the rest of your lives.
If nothing else, these movies prove that rich Irish teen are hilarious, and also I want to know what the “Irish gypsy” life is like.
We open on the whitest town in America after the end of WWII. A great time for white people. Wonderful. They still gush over it today like it was some goddamn utopia. But don’t worry white people, because there is one piece of life that doesn’t discriminate: death. He’s coming. And he’s super white.
I didn’t expect this movie to be scary, especially since the title both rhymes and is five words long. Everyone knows the best horror movies are one word: Poltergeist. Vertigo. Precious. But that’s fine, I needed a little camp and a little terrible special effects to ease me into this month.
The opening is like watching those old Popular Mechanics shorts from the 1950s, where your kitchen turns into one giant self cleaning oven so wife can get back to more important things; like ignoring her children and her husband’s alcoholism. So now that I’ve set the idyllic scene, you know where this is going.
The film is set in Texarkana, a small town on the border of Texas and Arkansas. It’s 1946 and serial killers back then were lucky. It was super hard to have sex, so you were apparently legally obligated to go to an open field in the middle of nowhere. Nowadays, kids just have sex in the Chipotle bathroom and go about their day. But at least they don’t get murdered.
The first couple (I’ll call them “weird finger-banging couple”) are victims of a pretty smart guy. First, the killer pops the hood and rips out wires which I presume are important, then grabs the dude and drags him through a window to beat with a lead pipe. We can clearly see what the killer’s costume is now: black boots, jeans, dark button up shirt, white sheet that covers his face with eye-holes. Also known as The KKK Starter Kit.
He then possibly rapes the girl and throws her on the side of the road. She is inevitably saved by a passerby, who is definitely driving drunk and not a good witness. Which I think is probably par for the course in this town. This is the part where the protagonist comes in: Deputy Sheriff Ramsey, who looks EXACTLY like a 70s actor pretending to be in the 40s version of Jim Halpert. It’s a little distracting.
The first couple doesn’t die and the doctor at the hospital is fairly certain the lady wasn’t raped but she did have human bites all over her body. Which is stupid because the mask didn’t even have mouth holes. Maybe in between their weird finger-banging, the couple liked to engage in cannibalism. Serial killers are weird, but white people in the suburbs can be even weirder.
The next round of victims are introduced: A 24 year old vet with 17 year old girl. Sounds like ripe picking for the Chow-down Brown Killer. Especially when the girl accuses her boyfriend “missing the Japanese girls,” like she shouldn’t be worried about VD. We find out it is 3 weeks later and raining like the first night of the attacks. Deputy Sheriff Jim Halpert is worried the cops aren’t looking in enough on couples fucking. And obviously he is right, albeit creepy. This fresh couple slides around the road and while the DS is out patrolling he hears gun shots. He also displays some sweet off-roading moves in his police cruiser.
Deputy Sheriff follows the gun shots which inevitable leads to gun shot up bodies. The dude in a ditch, and the girl tied to a tree. Now despite the fact that it is supposed to be raining and at night, there is blue sky, because night shooting is stupid (or at least that’s what the studio probably said to the director). It’s fine, we can clearly see White Hood strolling confidently to his car and then clearly see the Deputy Sheriff miss his chance to take out the killer. Or he didn’t shoot because he just wants to see how this is all going to play out.
Back in town, the townspeople are buying up guns and putting up locks on the door like they just got their first black president. Obviously the police and sheriffs departments can’t handle it. They couldn’t even handle shooting a black car in the middle of broad night light! So in order to calm the fears, they enlist a detective from Austin who is nicknamed The Lone Wolf of the Texas Rangers. Just like the film’s title, this name is far too long, so I’m just going to refer to him as LoWo. This guy gets to town and ready to do some business, like set up stings and dress the sergeants in drag, because when you’re in Texarkana, you gotta make your own fun.
Of course curfews and patrols aren’t going to stop people from screwing, but the investigation gets compromised as people start confessing to the murders. This is why people in the 40s needed TV. When you got bored, I guess you just start confessing to murders to break up the day.
At the same time the cops are trying out for Drag Race, the high school prom is happening. And oddly there are NO cops at this dance. Which is ridiculous. We had cops at our dances whether there were serial killers on the loose or not. So the kids and chaperones are going to get lit without the watchful eye of cops or DWI checkpoints.
We are now introduced to dumb couple #3. The girl is a trombone player in the band and the boyfriend just wants his tromb–you know what, they just make this shit too easy. The girlfriend complains that she has a curfew (bitch calm down, the whole town has a curfew). However, her boyfriend justifies going to park, by saying they’ll be in the “city limits,” because everyone knows how much killers hate city limits. So off they go, blissfully unaware how uncool playing a trombone in high school is.
White Mask starts to sneak up on their car but they start to drive away. But not before the killer can jump on the running board and hang on like he is the world champion at skitchin’. He drags the boyfriend out of the car and the car keeps going until it ends up on a bramble patch, tossing the girl out. Trombone lady runs through the woods in her prom dress, because the real FBI will actually arrest you if you don’t include this cliche scene in your horror movie. White Mask Mouth Breather picks her up and ties her to a tree.
The boyfriend isn’t dead yet, and wakes up from his round with the killer’s fists (this guy is NOT consistent with his weapons) and realizes half his face is bashed in and he is just as useless as he was before. He starts to run away but gets shot dead. Tree girl knows she’s about to get it, but killer is more interested in her trombone, because he needs new ways to kill that not even the Japanese have thought up. He must have been kicked out of a band, because he stabs the girl with her own trombone and doesn’t even have the decency to play a diddy while she dies. Another moment when having a mouth opening would have helped.
Back in town, press and experts are convening. A famous prison psychiatrist (which is a legitimate career in Texas, apparently) is now explaining to the sheriffs and cops what a “serial killer” is and what they are “into” over a fancy dinner. I love these explanation scenes, because they literally haven’t changed in the history of movies. The cops are more interested in why the killer didn’t rob the victims, and the psychiatrist really wants to bring the conversation back to sadism. Across the restaurant we only see the boots of the killer, as he politely pays for his meal and leaves. Killers: They’re Just Like Us!
The police chase down a few leads, including a dapper looking armed robber from Shreveport who drives a mint green car. I would watch a movie just about this guy. He (of course) confesses to the serial murders and the cops have had just about enough of this, so they stick him the back of a police cruiser with the fattest, sweatiest detective. Dapper Dan comes clean and the cops realize they are back to square one.
We now see people going about their business and enjoying summer, which is cue for another murder. Here come ol’ boots and we see him follow a lady home from the grocery store to her farm. Unfortunately for farm wife, her dumb husband doesn’t notice someone lurking outside and subsequently gets shot twice through a window. The wife tries to call police but gets shot in the face and head but still is alive. What kind of bullets are these?! The husband took two bullets to his head and was still able to walk for a bit before making a mess of the living room.
The farm wife hides out in the garage where Pillowcase Face picks up a pickaxe to finish the job. And presumably to use on the gun seller who sold him “non-murdering” bullets. Now for a game of corn maze which follows blood and items of clothes through the field. I’m pitch it a an app next week. FarmKille.
We hear dogs barking and we know farm lady (his husband is dead, she dropped the “wife”) has reached a neighbors house, who either aren’t home or have the good sense to not open the door to bloodied women who were shot in the fucking face. Of course the dogs barking alerts the killer where the lady is, which unfortunately is with a heavily armed elderly couple.
The lady lives. But now that people know the killer is a fan of looking in windows, they board up their houses like a damn hurricane is coming, and not summer in Texas. These people gonna dies of heat exhaustion. More cops show up, more curfews in place. However, now the killer isn’t following the dates anymore, because i assume the calendar the gun shop gave him was just as defective as the bullets.
A call for the most common looking car in america (which looks exactly like the police cars) comes over the radio and Deputy Sheriff and LoWo follow a lead into the woods, which ends at a sand pit. Now I can’t tell if this is a naturally occurring sand pit or more like a sand quarry. But I guess people in Texas need sand. They see White Mask standing atop a sand hill (and now we know he wears his costume all the time; probably a Stanislavski method man). They chase him into the woods, then across train tracks and end up shooting him in the leg, but the killer is still able to run away because every bullet in this town is defective. They bring in the bloodhounds which leads to a bayou. Which I guess they have in Texarkana. The the bloodhounds lose the scent and we never see him again. My theory is that he definitely died of MRSA from that nasty swamp.
The most amazing part of this movie is the ending, because we find out the chief and the sheriff are reelected for THREE more terms! Because i know when I have murders on my watch, it’s a sure shoo-in. The killer is never caught and true to “based on a true story” genre, he shows up at the premiere of his own movie. Killers are so meta.
And this, kids, is why we don’t live in small towns. And don’t ever buy your bullets from Texarkana.
We can all agree that 2016 is not the world’s greatest year. However, I’m sure it wasn’t our WORST year ever. I mean 79AD comes to mind. 1865. 1941. Whatever year Ann Coulter was spewed from Lucifer’s lair. So in order to bring back everything to about me (because I wouldn’t be accused of being a millennial if I didn’t act selfish 124% of the day), I’m going to revisit a 3-year old writing exercise: “Watch Scary Movies; Write About Them”
I don’t have a theme, but I will take suggestions from friends, family, strangers, bots, Ann Coulter’s internal demon, really any one person or entity. You see, horror movies are not my “thing.” I stay away because, for all intents and purposes, they scare me. It’s a pretty simple human emotion that I tend to avoid. So I need some help from the World Wide Web to know what to watch next.I will not repeat anything from my last round, but I wouldn’t mind a prequel, sequel, remake, Broadway musical adaptation, or concept album with its basis in a previous post.I have access to almost every platform, so finding a movie, TV show, short video, play, book, or even a scary Vine should not be difficult. And with the beauty of DVRs, ON-Demand, Digital rentals, the Darknet, time-shifting, smartphones, and garage sales, I will not be short on material.So since we know the next month will be full of terrifying things in reality, I will try to bring us back to the world of the “unwoken” and hang out there until our national nightmare is open. I will start posting on October 1 and continue once a day until October 31. So I would like to apologize in advance for breaking up your newsfeed of “Buzzfeed’s Best Pumpkin Pizzas” and pics of badly photo-shopped devil eyes over presidential candidates.Below are the recaps from 2013. Enjoy at your leisure. Or non-leisure work time. I don’t know your life.
Can you imagine being nostalgic? I mean, of course you can. That’s what nostalgia is: the remembering of memories. And I will never discount that, because it is totally dope to have that sometimes. I mean, you see a kid with a Lite-Brite, and you’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead kid, with your reusable picture guides!” Or Dunkaroos. Sugar upon sugar. No need, but who cares, shit was awesome.
But then you remember, nostalgia is selfish. Almost un-apologetically selfish. Everyone forgets how terrible this country was up until this very moment. I don’t care what time you are talking about in history. There is no better time than right now to be a woman, disabled, gay, transgender, black, Muslim, Latino, Japanese, Irish, Jewish, a little person, albino, autistic, or just different. You like nostalgia for two reasons – you were a child at the time of the memory, or you are a bigot who hates that they elected a “lady dogcatcher” last November.
And I’ll admit, there are plenty of turdbombs being thrown at all the adjectives I just typed. But now, there are plenty of guards up, and constantly going up everyday. Most didn’t have that before. There were allies, maybe abolitionists. Male suffragettes and feminists before that was even a term. A sympathizer for internment or a Nellie Bly to reveal the horrible atrocities in mental institutions.
However, the rest of the scared or ignorant world trumped them. They had info from maybe one or three sources. One of whom might have been a diabolical cat. Yet, we are so lucky today, because we have literally millions of sources. People on the ground, people behind the camera, people manning drones, people digging into case files and government documents and trash bins until the midnight hour and beyond.
I once saw a tweet that read (as I paraphrase), “If you ever feel bad, remember that in all the time in history, you were alive at the same time as Beyoncé. That’s amazing.”
I will never, ever denounce Beyoncé, but you could replace her name with uncountable amount of others: Jon Stewart. Cory Booker. Lady Gaga. Anderson Cooper. Lin Manuel-Miranda. Prince. Obama. Biden. Michelle. Michael Jackson. Ted Cruz (because I’m pretty sure he’s a 900 year old alien from the planet NoChinNoSoul). The person who invented YouTube. The people who created Viagra. The people who decoded the human genome. Olivia Benson (yes, I know she isn’t real, but she could be). The whistleblower who can’t get a job anymore. The doctor who works 89 hours a week in a country where citizens aren’t welcome in America.
We go from tangible to intangible, because we can. Even the most intangible “person” is out there in THIS country. We are lucky to be alive at the same time they are, even if just for a brief moment. There is a high school sophomore out there who just took their final exams today (and def smoking weed right now) that will be our national hero in 6-8 years, whether it be in sports, politics, arts, or maybe even some altruistic deed they didn’t expect to be documented. It’s basically statistically guaranteed. You have better odds at living in the same neighborhood as an Olympic athlete than winning the lottery.
We got this, America. We got this bullshit, because if America is good at anything, it is shoveling, swallowing, and slinging bullshit. It’s almost in our DNA, because we don’t even know what our DNA is made up of anymore. So they made it up. Well, I’m tired of them making things up. They are making up the rules along the way. I’m tired of living in a world that “House Rules” don’t just mean drinking games, but the House of Representatives.
So what can we do? We are just a group of free, alive, literate, healthy, beautiful people. What are we going to do? We can just publish anything, or protest anything, or marry anyone, or identify as any gender, or pray to any god(s), or speak any language. What should we expect? White noise? Crickets? A form letter? A thought and prayer?
Be a loud citizen. I mean, super annoyingly loud. Like your senator wishes he can mute you on Facebook or block you on Twitter for trying to sell them Ginsu knives. Be THAT level of annoying. Call your representative because it actually works. Vote. EFFIN VOTE! And I know that sounds cliche, but if you’re ever like “ughhh. it’s like 4 blocks away” remind yourself that at some point, every single one of your ancestors would have been blocked or banned from voting at one point in history. Every. Single. One.
Stay alive. Stay proud. Stay Connected. Stay Amazing. I want to add “Love” but I know that means so many things to so many people, so I’ll leave that to Tumblr. But lastly, and most of all, Stay Present. I know it can be immensely painful sometimes, but it is the only way you can appreciate that you are alive at the same time as FUCKING Beyoncé!
It was 1983. A time when America was changing and people demanded answers and closure. Who am I kidding, that’s all the time, every year since the beginning of the United States. But this year involved….POP CULTURE!!
Drink: Christmas beer (obv, it’s after Thanksgiving)
Oh buddy, those scrolling words said we got gangsters up in this universe. Obviously not very territorial gangsters since the cast has been to like a dozen planets and no one’s offered to shake them down yet for protection. Except of course Lando. But he’s a good fella now!
I thoroughly enjoy that we get to see Darth Vader’s shuttle again. Although when he emerges he sounds like a slave driver, which is awkward since I’m starting to suspect these storm troopers and engineers don’t get paid anyways. And calm down, DV. They are rebuilding “Death Star: The Sequel” as fast as possible. Do you know how hard it is to get a crane in space? Or good drywall?
We next come upon the entrance to Qarth, I mean, some place in the desert. Oh it is Tatooine, that god forsaken place that holds the smoldering corpses of Luke’s family. IF that even was his real family.
C-P3O and R2-D2 are sent to find out where Carbo-Han is being held. And of course, R2 just rolls in like he knows the place. Until he runs into Bebop and Rocksteady from TMNT. Don’t molest R2, Silly Puddy Face Man! And you should get that goiter checked out. The lack of iodine in this desert might be messing with your thyroid.
The new droid prisoners are brought into Jabba the Hutt’s lair, where the music reminds me of what the inside of a toy store in the 80s sounded like. Unless…that was the point. Clever, marketers. Clever, Lucas. And in order to make sure it is extra weird, after Jabba views Luke’s Vine plea to release Carb0-Han, he sends off the droids to be tortured. The public relations of this place are a nightmare.
Next, a mysterious bounty hunter shows up with Chewbacca (whose hair is looking a hot mess) and wants a reward. Obviously this is a ploy, because we next see Lando’s eyes watching carefully. Chewy is sold, the bounty hunter gets paid, and the next scene is what Studio 54 probably looked like after hours. With less prosthetics.
Leia (who was the bounty hunter all ALONG!), releases Han from his carbonite prison. I wonder what someone smells like after being reanimated from carbonite. And even though Leia’s got that new hairstyle going strong, Han is temporarily BLIND and can’t even see it. Such a shame. But it was so strong, Jabba wants to buy her, of course. Probably because he’s been trying to turn off Han’s carbonite prison for weeks and couldn’t figure out which ALT-CTRL-DEL combo he needed.
Cardinal rule of gangster: You can’t break someone’s kneecaps if you can’t get to their kneecaps.
Luke walks in (not rocking the cape nearly as well as dad), and immediately uses the force on Rocksteady and Bebop to get past the obviously very flawed security system. He sees that Leia is chained and his friends are in prison and obviously Jabba’s obsession with ridiculously fashioned bikinis has recently made him CEO of Victoria’s Secret and therefore the most powerful hedonist in the land. Luke is in a tough pickle. Luckily, he doesn’t have much time to think as he is thrown into a fighting ring which what I suspect is NOT with a bunch of puppies.
Given what I’ve seen so far, the scene in Rancor’s cave would be much more realistic if the Hutts were throwing down money on this cock fight. It’s also kind of funny that Luke knew to look for the emergency exits, as if he was off for the past few weeks learning how to be an ace flight attendant. His skills allow him to defeat the monster, but obviously this isn’t enough for Beanbag Chair Man (at least I think its’s a male; Jabba might just be blob, which could be a gender identity nowadays).
It’s okay, Star Wars Hagrid, the monster had a nice lunch before he was impaled.
Han is still blind and didn’t get to see Luke use his “Emergency Exit skills,” but what makes things worse is this laughing maniac puppet that is growing out of Jabba. And also the sentencing of all of them to “swallowed to death” by a nearby sand monster.
As they are speeding through the desert to get the group to their untimely doom, we see that R2 has now been enslaved as a cocktail waitress on this “Booze Cruise to Death.” But it sure was lucky that he was there, because after Luke breaks free, R2 hands him (spits out?) a brand new light saber! Congrats Luke, your power is back.
Wait, how did R2-D2 “make” this inside of himself? Or did he steal it from the Hutts? Either way, glad it is back, just in time to knock Boba Fett (who is a suspiciously loyal bounty hunter) into the sand monster’s giant worm hole. Bye, Boba Fett…Sorry we won’t get your back story until a book/TV series/concept Broadway musical album comes out. And also we should just know that EVERYTHING in this universe has a self destruct mode? So many unwarranted explosions. At least Jabba was choked to death. But let’s be honest, with his lifestyle, he would have had a heart attack at the next execution anyways.
Wilhelm scream: all the time (in fact I’m starting to wonder if people in this universe Wilhelm scream whenever they are having sex or win the lottery or give birth. Just whenever the moment arises.)
Now that we can leave this hellish planet (hopefully for the last time because sand is ew, gross), Luke just has to do “one more thing.” And that is “Going back to Dagolah” (I really hope one of you nerds have already made this into a rap parody). But he ditched the robes, because he probably didn’t want to show off TOO much of his flight attendant skills to Yoda.
We return to the half-built Death Star to see the actual Emperor (not Hologram Emperor, or as I would like to call him “Holler”). It’s never good when the red knights arrive. But at least we know the Emperor is a real thing and not a figment of DV’s imagination. Or worse, a powerful angel that he was doing his bidding for. Like Lucifer. Or Moroni.
I wouldn’t be surprised if under those cloaks are short sleeve button shirts and ties. “Do you have a moment to talk about the dark side?”
Back on Dagolah, we see Luke and Yoda, who is probably disappointed Luke got a fake hand instead of using the force to grow a new one. They are discussing what Luke needs to do next, which seems slightly redundant.
Yoda: You need to confront your father.
Luke: Yeah, my dad is Darth Vader and I already went after him.
Yoda: You need to confront Darth Vader.
Luke: I know! I already did and lost a hand.
Yoda: There’s more Skywalkers out there. You have to find them.
Luke: So I have to go back to my crazy dad who STILL wants to kill me, and find my long lost family? This is hard, Yoda. Stop dying, I need more than talking ghosts in my life.
Unfortunately Yoda does die. And of course disintegrates. But luckily Obi-ghost is back…to SET UP THE PREQUELS! These films are the very essence of “synergy.”
It didn’t take him long, but I’m glad Luke figured out that Princess “Braids For Days” Leia was his sister before he tried to make a “family” with her. I think we all know from experience that inbred royal families are responsible for a large amount of societies’ downfalls (both real and fictional).
And then, the action begins and just doesn’t stop. Like you don’t even have time to breathe or refill your beer (or juice box if you are underage or a teetotaler) because you will miss something.
First we find out the half-finished Death Star 2 is being protected by a shield being emitted by nearby planet (moon? asteroid? sphere?) Endor. The Death Star-ians have a base on Endor, because if this movie wasn’t subtly about Manifest Destiny, then I would be disappointed. And yet their security is still lacking. They let the ship through with an old password! I don’t even think AOL did that in 1994.
Down on Endor, we engage on a race through the woods. And once again, storm troopers are ill equipped for any warzone. You stand out so much with those white armored uniforms. In fact, the only area you probably WOULDN’T stand out is if you were on a storm trooper armored uniform making factory. And even then you would miss your target by a mile.
Now obviously our heroes aren’t going to avoid drama. There’s still tons of minutes left in this movie and even more of Leia’s hairstyles to see.
These flying snowmobiles remind me of the bugs they rode on Ferngully. Wait, is Endor actually Ferngully? Is that a theory? Have I been reading too much fan fiction?
And of course, true to her trope, Leia stays getting kidnapped by weird men. Although, these fat teddy bears seem a bit more kind, but also wary of strangers. Like Care Bears who were lost in the Vietnam jungle for awhile and still think there’s a war going on. Hopefully, they will just make Leia wear a one piece swimsuit.
Back on Death Star In Progress, Darth Vader is showing off his sweet evil room. And wouldn’t you know it, the Emperor just TOOK his chair. Yo, that’s DV’s chair, old man. He needs it to look into the abyss or the universe and hope his son shows up again to make him proud. “Cat’s in the Cradle” is probably just played on repeat in this room.
Obviously Leia’s disappearance is enough to send the humans and droids into a tizzy. As they go off looking for her, R2-D2 really proves his ineffectiveness. Droid, you could literally find a needle in a haystack and you can’t tell that Leia has new fur friends and that Chewy is about to get them into a trap? Well at least your buzzsaw got them out. Wait, you had a buzzsaw the WHOLE TIME! That could have been useful in so many other situations. Your opportunistic side is showing, little R2-Dude.
They escape getting trapped in a well-engineered net and get captured by the Ewoks who bring them to their tree houses. Those homes definitely inspired at least 4% of fans to replicate them. Until they realized they didn’t live near redwoods or on a movie set.
The Ewoks are a very tribal group and therefore (as all tribes in fake universes tend to do) start to worship the golden man (C-P3O) and sacrifice the humans (Luke and Han). But I still have so many questions. Like where did these short fuzzy animals find a form fitting dress for Leia? And a comb? What were their plans for Chewy? He looks like them. Do they even know storm troopers are roaming around underneath their feet? Do they care? Have they eaten OTHER humans before this, or is today an inaugural day of Human-Eating for this tribe?
Luckily Luke uses the force and is able to convince the Fuzzy Wuzzies that they really ARE gods and therefore they should reveal all they know about the secret power station and what they can do to defeat the Empire.
“Storytelling Night” at the Ewok’s Tree, a new pub coming soon to a hipster neighborhood near you.
Luke reveals to Leia that they aren’t just siblings, but twins. So it won’t be the first time they were in a tight spot together before. When Luke tells her he has to bounce to go fight DV again, Leia gives him a face that basically says, “Brother, he took your light saber last time. And your hand. What if he takes your face next so he looks like you? What if he tries to take MY face? Or my beautiful hairstyles?” Luke obviously doesn’t hear all this and takes off to surrender. Han Solo appears behind Leia, because he is either jealous or just tired of humans. Don’t be jealous, Han. Leia feels more gross than sad right now.
On the Death Star, where I feel like at least two Scientology ceremonies are performed a week, Darth Vader introduces his son to his mentor and shows him the view from his chair.
Come binge watch space fights with me, Luke. My face is falling off, but I have some good qualities too.
Back on Endor, we will call this forest fight the Battle of nEw-Ok (it’s all owned by Disney, it’s fine). Although with the failed armor protocol that the storm trooper have neglected to update, it makes sense that clubbing, rocks, arrows, and spears would take down an entire regiment with laser guns. The catapults were the most adorable, though
On the outside of the moon, Lando and the other rebels are just fighting to stay alive. And we find out the “construction” was just a front. Just like half of the construction in Atlantic City. Or Dubai.
Luke seems to be annoyed with these two caped men he is going to have to deal with. And the Emperor’s laugh when he’s watching Darth Vader and Luke fighting is a tad…pervy, right? As if he couldn’t find this kind of entertainment On-Demand, so he had to set up a real one. Like Cirque du Soleil for even weirder people.
Meanwhile, in the children’s museum of old computers, Luke is hiding out from his dad and I hope secretly thinking (“I don’t want your life!”). Unfortunately for both of them, Vader CAN hear his thoughts. Oh shit, Obi-ghost didn’t tell Luke to not think about his sister. Ah well, a hand for a hand.
The Emperor takes a break from being a voyeur and tells Luke to kill off his father. And Luke is all of the sudden like, “Is this what Oedipus did? No, no…he fell in love with his mother. I was only in love with my sister.”
In a bit of parallel editing we see the rebel forces finally defeating the storm troopers and therefore making the shield ineffective (although if the Death Star was impenetrable to begin with, what was the point of wasting even more energy?). At the same time a SUPER angry Emperor tortures Luke with a never ending taser, until Vader is like, “If anyone is going to kill my son, it is going to be me.
Then that’s it. Vader kills the Emperor. All he had to do was throw the empire down a garbage hole?! We did that to Luke, and Billy Dee was waiting for him on the other side!
As Darth Vader lays dying, Luke drags him out in the open to have a chat with him.
Dad, what a big dent in your skull you have. Does this mean I “inherit” the Death Star? Or do you like, have a planet somewhere out there? Or are you a nomad? Or no-dad? Or am I the Emperor now? Dad, I have a lot of questions that I wish I asked before I took off this mask that kept you alive.
Darth Vader may be dead but there’s still much to be done. Like blow up the Death Star (Lando’s job), get Luke off the Death Star (I knew one of those shuttles would return!), and reunite the entire team on Endor.
All of this happens and the Ewoks are so happy, they decide to throw their own Village Party/Orgy. In the midst of exploding evil space stations, Leia lets Han in on the family secret. Han is super happy at first, then gets a bit grossed out and looks like he needs a drink.
We cut to Luke who is preparing the typical Viking funeral for Darth Vader. Although I wouldn’t stand too close to that pyre…who knows what toxic stuff that mask was made of.
And just like any good wake, we end with a drunken party in the tree house with three ghosts and the perfect opportunity for another Christmas card picture, which I assume will be sent by Vine.
Happy Hollerdays, from our flawed heroes to yours!
Two side notes….
Chewy’s hugs are still the best in the series. I hope there is a hugging machine full of Chewys out there. And if there isn’t yet, I hope they invent one after the next movie.
I’m really glad the Roomba droids showed up again in this movie! And just as useless as ever!
First off, I didn’t see one scene with Cookie Lyon in it, so I was a little disappointed. Nevertheless, this is supposed to be the “best” Star Wars movie of all time, so I knew I needed to go in with high expectations that I would still be so confused.
Drink – The sweetest red wine I’ve ever had. I knew there would still be gross kissing scenes, so I decided to have gross wine to drink.
There’s more reading at the beginning so make sure you have your glasses on. Or get Lasik done before you choose to watch a marathon of these movies.
Heh heh “probes into space.”
In an opening usually reserved for Superman movies, we see a large fire ball come out of the sky and land on a barren wasteland. From the crash site, several seemingly inefficient drones come out. These aren’t the fun drones either, like the ones Amazon or weird perverts use. They are obviously on a scouting mission to find out what Princess Leia’s new hairstyle of the season is or where the droids they were looking for went.
In rides Luke with his kangaroo-ram-camel hybrid (which I will henceforth call the “KRoC”) and they are immediately attacked and kidnapped by a yeti-like creature that inhabits this tundra.
Next, we see where the Rebel Alliance has been hiding out for all these…um months? From what I can gather from Leia’s outfit is that she is now the age of a basic white girl on a college campus. She just needs a Starbucks cup to complete the ensemble.
Han is ready to hit the road again with his furry friend Chewbacca (who is Flashdance-esque welding when we meeting him again) and tries to make sure everyone knows he still owes money to a loan shark (stop bragging) and that he and Leia are not trying to diffuse the sexual tension between themselves.
I mean, look at that cowlick, Leia! How can you resist him?
Of course, Han’s plans are thwarted when they find out Luke is missing out in the snow. So he does as any good friend would do: makes an extremely dangerous decision to go out looking for him in the dark snow with only a KRoC and pure sexual frustration.
Next we see Lukesicle in what we presume by the yeti-wailing and the lack of interior decorating is the yeti’s cave (who is terrible at disarming his dinner). Luke is able to “use the force” to grab his lightsaber back and (of course) uses it to cut off his captor’s arm. What is it with this world and the limb chopping?
Luke decides to take off on foot and of course gets trapped in a Western New York-like blizzard. Luke, why doesn’t the lightsaber have a self-warming feature? It chops off arms, it must be able to keep your hands heated. That force has to be used for something better than party tricks. But no, for dramatic effect he has to pass out, but not before Obi-ghost appears and gives him a new destination. Apparently chopping off beasts’ arms and flirting with your sister is not sufficient enough training to become a Jedi (shocking). Luke now knows he has to go see this Yoda character who lives on another planet. And I assume before he passes out, the last thought that enters through his mind is, “The planet better be fucking warm.”
Han finds Luke and luckily his KRoC dies at the same time, so he has a nice warm place to store Luke until help shows up (you really didn’t think this through, Han). Although the impregnating seems like a good idea, I’m note sure how they were planning on getting back to the base. Han really is a “shoot first, ask questions later” kind of guy.
Did I hit it AND quit it?
They are able to get picked up the next morning by the Rebels who return to the base and throw Luke into a tub of healing spring water. But it puts Luke right back to normal: wearing a robe and kissing his sister. DRINK.
Unfortunately the probe drones have reported back to Darth Vader’s circus and now the Rebel’s base is about to be under attack. It kind of looks like everyone was ready to bounce from this planet anyways. Might as well destroy everything in style.
DV brings up the Skype and yells at his officers about some nonsense they obviously had all the control over. Wait, Vader can use his force THROUGH video!? Why doesn’t he use this all the time. He seems to hate all his coworkers and their constantly tired of his bullshit. This place is an HR nightmare. Darth Vader also seems to prefer to Snapchat all his battles. Probably doesn’t want to get his cape dirty. Then he just shows up like he owns the place. Which he might. I dunno if this is like a regular “dark lord” situation or like a “feudal lord” system they have out there.
Our group accepts defeat and goes off in their different directions. Luke basically kidnaps R2-D2 and is like, “You’re coming with me little buddy, to some planet I heard about in a hallucination. It got great Yelp reviews.”
Everyone else hops aboard what is becoming similar to a 1970s Winnebago in both maneuverability and working-ness. Of course, while escaping their turbo booster breaks and they have to drive normal speeds through an asteroid field. They escape the asteroids only to end up in a dark tunnel, which seems fishy (that joke is funny if you know the Bible. Or Pinocchio.).
Just needs a little elbow grease. And probably real grease to make it slightly more livable.
We switch over to see what Luke and R2-D2 are up to, and it involves them crash landing on the planet called Dagobah (which seems like an old-timey insult) where Yoda lives. Luke, did the night inside the KRoC make you forget how to fly? Wait, droids can swim?! Awww swamp monsters! This place they landed on gives me the creeps. It’s like the Bayou, but with less green men.
Eww. Moist.
Yoda really has the munchies when we first meet him. And wearing a dirty bathrobe. And he’s giggling. And saying “wise” things. Is Yoda high? I mean, if I lived on this planet alone, and my only visitors were punk kids who want to move shit with their mind, I’d probably want to be high too.
It legal make. Hmmmmm.
Since we know Luke and Yoda are about to go into their own little training montage, we switch back to see what Han “I have to go pay my loan shark” Solo and his friends are up to. First off, how does everyone in this universe know how to weld? And obviously not very well, if no one can seem to fix the Millennium Falcon. Even C-P3O seems to be a waste of space who is just constantly cock-blocking Han and making obvious observations. Well guess which observation you didn’t make, C-P3O? That they are stuck inside a big worm’s hole. Which Han and Chewy only realize when they try to de-bird/bug/pterodactyl the outside of their ship while wearing their CPAP masks.
Back in the swamp, Luke is giving piggy-back rides and R2 looks as I imagine a droid would look if he was constantly rolling his eyes. Yoda sends Luke into a cave to discover what he is really afraid of. Or he just really wants to be left alone for a couple minutes. Luke likes to whine. Of course Luke sees Darth Vader in a vision and they have a weird lightsaber duel where Luke chops off his helmet (nice change from chopping off limbs) and sees (GASP) his own face inside! The only thing you had to fear was yourself, Luke! And swamp monsters!
Wait, is this cave Yoda’s grow house? That would explain why he sends his Jedi-in-training in there for their “visions.” And clever putting it in a cave; no fly-by would catch it among the other greenery and large lizards.
Back on Vader’s floating death palace….
After spending quite some time in his man cave/pod and talking to holograms, Darth Vader is tired of wasting his precious time (even though hunting down Luke and Co. is literally the only thing you are doing right now, guy) and asks to “Send in the bounty hunters! Yep, Lizard Man too, he seems like a trusting guy.” This is where we meet Boba Fett the first time. Since I’ve seen action figures of him, I know he’s important. Not Obi-ghost important, but still vital to the story.
If real bounty hunters looked like this, I bet the return results would be 122%. And Comic Con would have a different meaning.
Luke has passed both Rock Stacking For Beginners and Handstand 101, so he truly believes he is ready to hit the road after a vision he saw of his friends in trouble in a “city in the clouds.” Even Yoda thinks he might have been trapped in the grow house a bit long. However, the spaceship that was slowly sinking into the swamp all this time (because you didn’t think you would need it again, Luke?) is now completely submerged. Luke wants to try raising it, but doesn’t believe in himself enough. And Yoda’s like “I’m getting too old for this shit,” so he pops it out of the water for him. Yoda and Obi-ghost (who just seems to show up whenever is convenient for him) know that Luke isn’t ready and if he goes to save his friends, he is probably putting everyone is more danger. But kids these days (those days? future days?) are stubborn and heads off to most likely get his ass handed to him (that joke is hilarious).
We return to Solo and the Welders (free hipster band name) we find out that Han checked in on FourSquare and noticed that his friend Lando is in charge of a mining town nearby (Billy DEEEEEEEE). However, they first have to get past Vader’s bounty hunters and escape the radar of DV’s ship. They come up with the clever idea of floating away with the trash, like the piece of trash that they all are (jk, just the ship is trash).
Garbage can get you into a mess, and garbage can get you out of it! But you didn’t clean up with Bounty! Hunters that is! (I could write commercials, shit’s easy)
When they arrive at the city in the clouds (just like Luke’s surprisingly non-metaphor vision said), Lando definitely beats DV’s entrance by a mile. Look at that hair. And that cape! As he’s showing Han, Chewy, and Leia around his operation, C-P3O gets curious (droids can be curious?) and falls into a room where he shouldn’t have been. That’s fine, we needed a break. Even Chewbacca, who seems to be a fairly compassionate rug man (second maybe only to Jesus), just shrugs when he sees C-P3O isn’t behind them anymore.
In the next scene, Leia gets a brand new hairstyle and a lady cape (which also may be a basic white girl ensemble on campus today; I haven’t been in Forever21 in a few months). Lando sets his tasers to full charm mode and obviously Han is jealous. I think he is just jealous that everyone else gets a cape. Lando invites them all to dinner, which if you’ve ever seen any mafia movie ever, you should just scream “NOOOO!!! It’s a set-up!!” But Lando’s smile is irresistible, even to Wookiees and they all march off to their dinner/doom, walking through the extras casting for Harry Potter movies.
Lando, you are the worst. Selling your friends out for a mob-style order of protection for your shady…um…I’m not sure what you do but I’m sure it is shady. I also like his face when Darth Vader tells him he has to board the princess and Chewy? “Who is gonna pay for that? Well, I’m taking her cape back.”
Vader then has his goons remove Han and once again put him through his terrible interrogation techniques. Just torture Han with no questions. Then freeze him so he again can’t answer questions. And DV’s an Indian giver. Now he wants Leia and Chewy back? Make up your mind, you sociopath. He also just gives away Han to Boba Fett. Here dude, sorry if he’s dead. Tell Jabba I send my dark lord regards.
Luke finally arrives and notices something is amiss. For instance, not ONE person or Gringott’s goblin came to great him with a cape. This place is definitely getting a 2 star review on AirBnB. Leia tries to warn Luke that it’s a trap, but I think Luke is like allergic to listening and of course heads out to find out what is really inside Vader’s helmet.
Another Darth Vader lightsaber fight! But this time with more jump-flying! Which ends up in a…weapons museum? What room are we in? And there is an unlimited supply of microwaves and fire extinguishers and unnecessary metal beams to throw at Luke’s head. And of course all this horsing around, and someone breaks a window. I mean, this is what happens when you build cities on clouds: no wind or pressure control. So Luke gets sucked out to finish this battle on a catwalk.
I like that Lando’s evacuation announcement to the city is so calm. As if this happens all the time. “Hey guys, the storm troopers are taking over the city. Might wanna head out.”
“And pick up a Colt 45 on the way out. Works every time. Unlike my dark lord negotiating skills.”
Back on the catwalk, there’s that limb cutting off you guys love so much. Bye hand. Hi dad. And now you can’t even play baseball with him. Then Luke goes super emo, and is like, “I’d rather be DEAD then be your son!”
How does Leia know how to drive the Millennium Falcon? We never really find out what her schooling was like. They don’t usually enroll princesses at ITT Tech. Either way, she is able to find Luke dangling from a garbage shoot and Lando redeems himself by saving some dude he’s never met.
Darth Vader seems pissed he will never get to bring his son to the Annual Employee Picnic, and does what ever angry dad does: stomp off and demand that they bring him his shuttle.
Back on the Millennium Falcon, we discover that the scoundrel city didn’t fix the hyperdrive that they so need to get away from Darth Vader. However, I’m glad the C-3PO and R2 show is back on the road though. With their powers combined, they are all able to fix and zoom through space, leaving Darth and his pile of dead storm troopers in their dust (they seriously need to talk to Congress about getting them better armor).
They end up back with the Rebel fleet, talking about how they need to go pick up Hansicle and fixing Luke’s hand, when all of a sudden, a third hairstyle, Leia!? It’s like you are trying to tell us there will be a THIRD movie! But at least you both are back in robes and awkwardly touching, like you belong.
I waited 6 years for Hamilton, so no one could possibly understand that…type of…devotion, okokok Star Wars fans, you win. But at least I know we can share this: lying in wait is EXHAUSTING.
As a youngin’ (term and apostrophe used loosely, depending on which decade you were conceived in), I was aware that there were 6 (or maybe even more) parts to the Star Wars movie universe. However, I didn’t really grasp the concept, nor understand the implications this might have on millions of people. And also, to be fair, I really didn’t care. I was 8. And a girl. Space was for boys. American Girl books set in 1904 were for girls. Those didn’t really intersect unless suddenly Samantha was captured for warning others about classism, according to Grandmary.
Look at her. That insignia is just a tad too close to Rebel Alliance.
And yet, as the the new movie release day draws closer, the flutter of excitement is almost palatable. It’s like Christmas! But without the credit card debt and indigestion (except for those people who binged watched all 6 Star Wars films in the theater and purchased their body weight in popcorn and Buncha Crunch).
I went a different route. I asked my fiancé to show me the films. Here is the response I got:
Me: I want to watch the Star Wars movies before The Force Awakens
Him: DVD, Blu-ray, VHS, or Laserdisc?
Me: Um…regular?
Him: Extended version or close to the theatrical release?
Me: The one normal people saw?
Him: Watch in chronological order or release order?
Me: Can I just apply for a mortgage instead? There might be less options.
Finally, after many days of researching (jk, I just typed “which movie should I watch first?”), I settled on Episode IV. For those who are not familiar with film history, basic pop culture, or roman numerals, this was the first film of the franchise ever released in 1977, titled Star Wars (or whatever was attached to it, before/after/above/below–f’ it, i’m just calling it 1977).
Drink of choice for watching: an Irish IPA (deal with it).
I think Darth Vader shows more skin in the movie than what is shown on this poster. Zero thighs or Abs.
First off…
If you don’t like reading, don’t even turn 1977 on. There’s like 6 paragraphs of text before anything happens. It’s a yellow font, appealing to the eye. At least it isn’t Comic Sans or Octavia. Gross. All you need to know is that there is a Civil War going on in the galaxy.
The action begins on a floating spacecraft, which I assume is vulnerable due to my extensive knowledge and experience with movie music scores. Two robots, or “droids” as George Lucas has trademarked them, are running around as much as metal and wires can run around and panic. A bunch of guys with guns start shooting differently dressed guys with guns. But when both sides shoot with lasers it doesn’t really explain how that hurts someone. They just fall over. Does it electrocute them? Whatever, doesn’t matter.
Darth Vader has entered! Rocking the best Laser-Tag gear I’ve ever envied. Props to you, DV. And with a cape, too. No one enters a room, er…vestibule, like you. Except maybe King George in Hamilton.
Next we see Princess Leia talking to one of the robots. I know his/her/its name is R2-D2, but we don’t hear what the Princess is saying. It’s fine, that hairstyle says enough. She escapes from the men shooting lasers only to get “stunned” by the men shooting lasers. And not in like, a “don’t tase me, bro” way. She just falls down. Doesn’t seem much different then those guys that were killed in the vestibule.
Luckily R2-D2 and his heterosexual lifemate C-P3O are able to escape the laser-soaked spacecraft, with, according to the next scene, all the User Manuals that DV and his crew needed.
Now, can we just note for a second that Darth is terrible at interrogating people. He murders them as he is asking them questions. Geez, Dark Lord, give them a chance to utter a few syllables.
Then there is a lot of wandering robots through the sand. Like Jesus and his disciples. Actually some of these sets look like Jesus Christ Superstar. But I’m getting off-Broadway here….
Suddenly, as if out of some toddler’s nightmare (or nightmare about toddlers), the glowing-eyed little Jawas appear. Who sound like Minions. In monk robes. However, instead of acting like the lovable goof-balls they sound like, they bring the sand-wandering droids to their giant trash compactor, which actually ends up being a Kidnappers Van for Robots. Great. Now we’ve added trafficking to this movie.
Luckily, our main character’s family has no bones about dealing in stolen goods. The Kidnappers Van ends up at Luke Skywalker’s family farm and Luke’s uncle picks up R2-D2 and C-P3O as their newest slaves…I mean, um…property. This is weird, I’m just going to move on.
Of course, this is fortuitous because Luke gets to see the first Vine ever, Leia’s message to a mysterious Obi-Wan.
This filter is called “Blue Laser Hashtag”
“Help me Obi-Wan Kanobi, you’re my only hope”
Cryptic, I suppose. Unless you’ve heard of the guy, which apparently Luke has. As if all farming communities have the rumored “crazy ol’ man in the hills” story. Which, funny fact, this happens to be true.
And side note, what does Uncle Owen harvest? Sand? Other layers of sand? And if so, Luke loves kicking the sand and whining. Boy, you are ruining your crop. Or, maybe you are harvesting it. I still don’t know.
So Luke and his sand-kicking self heads out to the badlands with his floating car and new best droid friends in tow. Unfortunately, the Sand People and their Snuffleupagus creatures do not like Luke and his metal friends. However, in the end, they just seem to want to jack his wheels. Which is understandable. Sand sucks to shuffle around in, even if you do have that Snuffleupagus thing.
Then, from out of nowhere, a hooded character actor shows up and scares them off (and somehow also knows Luke’s name–which isn’t too crazy…it’s a small town, he has a lot of time on his hands, probably read the phone book a lot).
We figure out pretty quickly that this is the Obi guy that Leia was going on and on and on about in her Vine vid. So what to do next, Luke? Of course, head home with the hermit no one has heard from in decades! And he is going to gift you with a glowing probe-like weapon you have no idea how to use! You make me puke, Luke.
We now check in on DV and his council. They are just like, “Where’s the robots?” “Why can’t we kill that girl?” “Why do some of us have British accents?” But when the council calls DV out on his faith, Vader goes, “My faith is bad? Well i can kill you with my mind, so there. Still think it’s bad? Now, who was in charge of bringing snacks this week?”
Back to Sand-Land…
The smoldering corpses were a bit much, Imperial troops, but I guess when you don’t know if anyone on this planet comes back as a zombie, can’t be too careful. So now Luke has no other option than to take Obi-Wan to Alderaan (I believe in my heart that this is supposed to rhyme).
Wait, how was Obi-Wan going get to Alderaan before? He didn’t have a car? One of the Snuffleupagus creatures?
Speaking of which, I’m okay that the Cantina refuses to serve droids. They can’t drink, they won’t pay for anything. They will just roam around and bump in to things. They’re like children in bars. Or dogs.
And then we meet the Han Solo, who likes bragging in terms people don’t understand. Like people who quote power in metric. Or Hemi. Maybe Han, if you want to be “under the radar,” don’t name your ship the “Millennium Falcon” and brag about it in a bar. Maybe something more subtle, like “FlyBy 233.”
So now Han and his furry rug buddy, Chewbacca, have joined with Obi-Wan, Luke, R2-D2, and C-P3O, to go on the most epic road trip ever. Just kidding, it’s a lot of Obi-Wan making Luke feel bad that he never had a dad to play baseball with and corny-ass taglines. “Stretch out with your feelings” belongs in the Canyon Ranch brochure. Like on the inside flap.
Sorry, Obi-Wan, they might win at corny lines. And I bet their robe game is on point.
Unfortunately, Alderaan is kaput, thanks to Leia being from there. So when the gang arrives and sees no planet, just a bunch of annoying Alderaan-ian bits, the ship is inadvertently sucked into the tractor beam of the nearby destroyer and home of Laser-Tag God, Darth Vader. Since Han is expecting a huge pay-day (sucker), he tries his best to amp up his group to be ready to fight. To which Obi-Wan replies, “There are alternatives to fighting.”
…says the dude who just chopped off a guy’s arm in a bar fight. Pshaw.
As the motley crew arrives, and subsequently stalks, through the Death Star, a very confident Obi-Wan decides to go off on his own to find DV so he can fight him on his own. The rest of them just make it their main goal to shoot ALL the power outlets. It…sort of works, until the troops realize you can just open doors.
All of Vader’s crew must think, “That crazy ol’ zealot” every time he leaves the room. Dude, your hostage is being bounced from prison and all you can think about is your “force” being disturbed. Take some prune juice and get back to work.
It’s kind of amazing that Leia knows where the garbage shoot is, even though she has been held hostage in a cell. And even if she somehow memorized the blueprints of the Death Star, how did she NOT know that the garbage shoot also was a compactor. Sounds like something you would hear every couple hours if it was right below your prison cell. Like when your fridge kicks on in the middle of the night, and you’re all, “No, that’s not a ghost, that’s technology.”
While the kids are trying to stop the walls from closing in on them with the least amount of physics knowledge possible (it’s a wedge system, people!), the stormtroopers get into the main “Communication Center” where R2-D2 and C-3PO were hiding in the closet (hehe). Stormtroopers, THOSE were the droids you were looking for and you just went where they told you. Wait, do THEY have the Force? Luckily, the droids were able to stop the garbage walls, but not the garbage monster who is still chilling somewhere under their feet. The manage to escape the room (I’m guessing by shooting the power outlet) and come across another group of Imperial stormtroopers.
“Oh no, a band of stormtroopers! Shoot one, and they will all runaway. Ahh I’m a crazy man!” –Han Solo logic
Luke and Leia try to escape through one of the open garage doors, only to find out there’s no Uber OR Millennium Falcon waiting for them. There are of course, stormtroopers. [Shooting, shooting, shooting]. What is even the point of these troops’ armor? These guys fall over as if the suit conducts plasma electricity. Terrible design.
(Break for Wilhelm Scream: 1:26:04)
L&L are able to swing away to safety, and we get to witness some awkward kissing (because I already know the spoiler). Drinking game moment, if there ever was one.
The Obi-Wan and Darth Vader Fight (Or How Waiting for Godot Should Have Ended):
After a slow Fencing 101 demonstration, DV’s light saber makes Obi-Wan disappear. Wait, it can make you disappear? Not just for cutting off limbs? That’s like a way better party trick. And who gets his robe? Even Vader looks confused (well, as confused as a masked man can look).
The crew (minus one mentor) hop back into the Millennium Falcon and try to speed away from the Death Trap, but not without first having to throw some shade at some pesky TIE fighters. However, more importantly, how does Farmer Boy Luke know how to run gun torrents? He looks so at home. Was one of the droids Uncle Owen “purchased” actually an early Space Invaders game? It doesn’t matter though, there is a tracking device on their ship, which will lead Darth Vader and his council right to the Rebel Base. Lot of rookie mistakes.
Eventually, they escape the TIE-Die troopers, and end up at The Rebel Base, which looks like every Modern Art museum created after 1971. And this training classroom has every haircut that was ever popular in the 70s. Male, female, and shag carpet. After a briefing, Luke is placed in the premiere fighting group to go exploit a flaw in the Death Star’s infrastructure (which isn’t, much to my dismay, the ease of accessing the garbage shoot and utilizing garbage monsters). Vulnerability and virtue breeds triumph!
After some “May the force be with you”s and another awkward kiss, Luke and R2-D2 are teamed up in an X-wing. Very “highway to the danger zone” moment. When they reach the Death Star, Luke starts to get a little cocky:
“No trust me gang, I got the force behind me. I don’t need electricity power.”
And command base is like, “No you have R2-D2 behind you and you just let him get hit. Stop being weird and use the guns we gave you.”
Then, all of the sudden Indy comes in! Er, I mean Han Solo and his furry rug man! And all the bad ships are defeated and some good men die, but they probably weren’t that important unless you watched 4 hours of deleted scenes.
Now obviously this epic film is just the beginning of decades of theories and arguments, so we know there are more to this story to come. However, they needed to end on a happy note (This is an American film, not some weird Icelandic feature). So the heroes (still minus one mentor) are praised and decorated at a large ceremony by the Princess (or is she a Senator now?) and a lot of her eyeballing Luke. Stahhhp! [drink]
This ceremony is called “How I Helmet Your Sister”
And R2-D2 is just wicked excited he doesn’t have to listen to Leia’s Vine anymore.
Favorite part of the whole film: The Roomba Droids on the Death Star. Are you vacuum cleaners? Are you pets? Are you bait for bigger droids? You are so cute!
The Christmas season can be overwhelming. We start celebrating it in November. Even though we, as Americans know there’s ANOTHER holiday before Christmas. A fairly important holiday, and it’s celebration actually precedes America’s existence and therefore our traditional celebration of Christmas.
Then you get into the actual meaning of the holiday. It’s a baby shower that totally went overboard. Not my joke, but it’s true. Baby Jesus hung out in the manger with his mom and surrogate dad for a few years. That had to have been awkward for the innkeeper who gave them the space in the first place.
Innkeeper: Oh…you guys are still here? Well you know, it’s been a couple months, maybe you can throw me a few gold pieces?
A year later…
Innkeeper: Ok, seriously, you need to move the frankincense and myrrh. It’s makes the mules jumpy and I don’t care if you guys have squatters rights at this point, I need some help with the sheep.
So I’m sure the first few Christmases were awkward. What birthday isn’t?
There’s no way all those animals were sitting calmly like that, especially with baby Jesus being all tender and mild and delicious sounding.
But lately (or maybe not lately, I’m just grown up and can see it), the holiday itself has become a monster. A controlling, self-righteous monster. If you look at it from the wrong angle, it will become the controlling relationship of holidays:
Where are you going?
Well, I was planning on going home, but I should probably go to the mall and shop for Christmas presents.
Why didn’t you come see me?
I’m busy, I know. I should try to make time to visit you at mass, but with work and the holidays, I’m usually so exhausted by the end of the week, I can’t make time to go to Church.
Who were you with?
I can’t stand to be around people that invite me to parties, but I have to go. It’s a personal liability, not a gift. My boss/crush/aunt/mailman/ex/priest will be there. I have such a horrible time. I would have rather been with you, I promise.
I read what you wrote about me. If you hate me so much, why don’t you leave?
I can’t. I love what you stand for too much. I can’t ignore it. You were so amazing at the beginning but then I realized that you were so much bigger than just me and you.
Why do you put them over me?
I only have so much money. I want to give to charity, but I also have to show my loved ones that I care for them, too.
You don’t love me.
Yes I do! You are beautiful and amazing and bring so much to the world. It’s just that I get stressed sometimes when you’re around. I can’t handle it and break down.
Don’t let these bears make you feel bad, they aren’t real. And if there were real, they would be hibernating, not enjoying merriment.
Yet, if you are able to evacuate the cynicism and fill the void with realism, the Christmas season can be so fucking (sorry baby Jesus) awesome. I’m not talking about unrelenting optimism that shows up in Hallmark commercials and Santa-adorned pet pictures. That’s extremely unrealistic, and the pressure to maintain such a positive attitude can be exhausting. And exhaustion leads to stress, overeating, alcohol abuse, irrational decisions, and general malaise. Which actually sounds like the benchmarks of any successful holiday season. I’m talking about finding your happy medium.
So where is the medium on this two-way traffic jam of the season? From one direction you have the constant external barrage of “Why aren’t you enjoying yourself?” “Why don’t you like Christmas?” “What makes your such a Scrooge?” “Just BE happy.” And from the other direction, you have the internal conflict of “I should buy this.” “I have to travel here.” “I must make others happy.” “I have to explain myself without sounding misanthropic.”
Stop looking for a middle ground, just get off the road. Remove yourself from the obligations and the excuses, and blaze your own damn path for being content. Celebrate the holiday. Or don’t. Put up a front. Or don’t. Use your electrical engineering degree for an outdoor light display you can see from space. Or don’t. The point is, you still have control of the situation, and the biggest expectations usually come from within.
Now, will anyone actually listen to my obviously bias and completely logical advice? Hellllz no. This is America, brought to you by Walmart and guaranteed by Amazon Prime. Everyone wants you to have the “perfect Christmas,” but what they don’t realize is that their idea of the “perfect Christmas” is a hodgepodge of nostalgia, Madison Avenue admen pitches, and whitewashed images of traditions. The problem (and also magic) of this season, is that Christmas is an EXTREMELY personal holiday. If you explained what Christmas means to you, but leave out the holiday buzzwords part, you might sound slightly necrotic or obsessive compulsive….or even a little snobbish:
We need to eat at 8pm, but only with the good china. The gourds from the ground will need to be prepared a certain way. Only pastries from a certain bakery will be accepted. Next we will travel to imbibe alcohol with acquaintances, many of whom we do not know. We will then go to sleep, but not before music is played for a predetermined amount of time. The following morning, we must wake up at daybreak, then worship at the altar of a child who will be sacrificed in the spring of next year. Then we will remove the outside packaging of unknown objects, in an orderly and easily documented manner. After, we must be grateful for the unknown objects and offer unknown objects in return.
If this was your recap of a random Tuesday in June, you would sound insane. Or extremely rich, which usually comes with a side of insanity anyways. But this probably sounds like a typical Christmas for some. Or what some wish their typical Christmas to be. Or it may be an absolute nightmare for others. Once you step back and realize that your pursuit of happiness will never match someone else’s, you may actually free yourself and influence others to do the same. (That was a very patriotic sentence).
That’s right, snowman, you salute the flag. Not like that ungrateful cardinal there, looking all smug because he won’t melt.
For me, my pursuit of happiness during the holiday (and really any time of year) is surrounding myself with people whom I love. But it’s beyond this, because I actually grew up around people who are OBsessed with love. I’m not talking about chick-flick, Shakespeare, diamond ring jewelry story love. I’m talking about being with people who will always do 3 things for me: there is always someone who will cook for me, there is always someone who will listen to me, and there is always someone who will hug me. Once I have this trifecta of goodness, everything else falls in to place. Even if I need an insane, reactionary season to realize it.
Or don’t. Whatever. Once we start lighted sentences with conjunctions, all bets are off.
Fairy tales and superheroes and angels are real. I’ve seen them. They exist at a small place that’s closer to Canada than Metropolis. They exist when a group of people come together to just be. Do you know how hard it is to just “be”? A tiny verb that means big things. And that very small word can sometimes be the hardest thing to achieve. It goes beyond being “peaceful” and “in harmony” with yourself. It strips you down to your barest form and builds you back up with love and joy and balance.
We walk the line. We toe the line. We cross the line. We stand in line. We have heard every line. But we come to this place and the line disappears. It becomes a circle. And for one week, we fill that circle with emergency supplies to get us through the rest of the year. But instead of flashlights or bottled water or canned food, these supplies are memories and warmth. When emotional crises strike, these supplies keep us going. Just like the fairy tales of our youth, we can imagine the most wonderful outcomes in the worst situations.
One the greatest things to witness is interaction. Hugs in the real world are optional, but embraces in this place are the norm. We embrace each other, we embrace nature, we embrace the challenges and goals we set for ourselves. I WILL swim to the island. I WILL finish this novel I started in March. I WILL help cook food for 120 people. I WILL discover something new in my significant other. I WILL marvel at my child’s curiosity. I WILL giggle like a teenager and be as introspective as a senior. And this WILL”power” is what makes all of us superheroes.
And then, we see the angels. These rare, dazzling creatures that must have been hand-delivered by God directly to us. Because there is no other explanation as to why we are so lucky to be in their presence. These are the people that see the beauty in everything. You stand near them just to soak up the tranquility emanating from their souls. They make you believe in a higher good, because you finally start to believe in yourself. If heaven has an advertising department, these people are the pitchmen. And sometimes, God wants them to come back to the home office. So we take their words and their smiles, and we tuck them in the back of our pocket. We wrap our shoulders in their stories and laughter. We cover our heads with their kindness and strength. And we keep going through life, because we have a little bit of them traveling with us.
Guardian angels are real. Superheroes are real. Fairy tales are real. When reality comes howling at the front door, they will be waiting on your back porch. They aren’t your escape. They are your rescue. And they’re waiting. Right where they have always been.
Lower It Up 