Author: loweritup

I write what's right, but in my world, I write left (handed).

Day 25, 2013 – Ernest Scared Stupid

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Ernest Scared Stupid

1991

ern

I think the number one issue I have with scary movies for children is that there is no continuity to the mythology of the antagonist. And also that if kids really need to be scared, we don’t need to sugar coat it. Hand them a book of old German nursery rhymes. Or show them pictures of vintage Halloween costumes. That shit would give me nightmares for weeks.

However, back to the plot developments. If you’re going to create a film for children about the existence of trolls and parents who let their kids hang out with a redneck garbage man, then I’m going to need some more explanations. I’ve never seen any of the other Ernest movies so maybe there is a thread of plot lines that I’m unaware of, but as an independent viewing, I was so confused.

Eartha Kitt plays a steampunk hoarder who is also a witch of some sort. Her actual identity isn’t really defined, but we do know that she has a tree on her property that harbors a troll from over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately three kids want a bully-free tree house and start trespassing on her property which is full of scary shadows and fog machines. Of course they pick the troll tree and set to work on creating an impenetrable fortress and inadvertently waking up the troll.

Now that the troll is released into the world, we find out what he wants: children’s souls. This is fair enough, but why? Are they delicious? Does it give the troll power? Does it make the troll prettier? These all may be true, but it seems as if the troll turns the children into a wooden statue, then places the wood in holes in his tree and this causes his troll babies to grow in pods. So his lust for innocent souls is actually just part of his asexual reproduction cycle. Circle of life.

Ernest somehow gets involved in all of this because the city needs him to clean up the hoarder witch’s property. Obviously he’s not going to do this because he’s a terrible garbage man who is easily distracted. He also has an undiagnosed multiple personality disorder, which is uses as a catalyst to justify decisions he makes.

Ernest does try to warn the townspeople of the pending troll attacks, but no one seems to care when children start to go missing, so why would they listen to a bumbling idiot. By this point in my horror movie experiment, I’ve realized that townspeople need to start listening to the babbling fool more and their rational thinking less, lest they be attacked by evil. Ernest realizes it is a lost cause and heads to get some troll-fighting materials from his local convenience store which is run by a couple of old con men.

Between some reading with the witch and context clues, the kids figure out that the troll’s weakness is milk. Not much reason behind this then it is “a mother’s care.” So since trolls come from pods, they must hate everything motherly. At least this is my theory. The kids attack all the troll pods (who have now hatched) and Ernest goes after the main (Poppa/Overlord/Alpha?) troll with hugs and love. The terrible beings are now destroyed, the witch gets her missing family (who no one knew about) back, and the town can go back to abusing Ernest and ignoring their children! Happy ending for everyone!

Day 24, 2013 – Stag Night

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Stag Night

2008

stag

This movie starts as you would expect: with the love interest from Hocus Pocus and the lovable stoner from Clueless attacking each other. Or perhaps you didn’t expect that. I’m sure 90’s movies fan fiction is very broad. Just kidding. This movie really starts after the credits (which should be seen) with a groom, his brother, and two friends celebrating his bachelor party at a strip club. Even though it is 3:30am in NYC, the groom’s brother (Breckin Meyer) suggests they head to another club he knows about. First of all, if anyone suggests a “cool club” at 3:30am, it’s not a cool club. It’s either a date rape club or an ironic hipster club. Both are too shameful and illegal to be seen at.

Obviously everyone has had too much to drink, so they follow whatever suggestions sounds best. They also follow a stripper from the club and her “nerdy” friend into the subway. Unfortunately, the “nerdy” friend (girl from Hocus Pocus, Vinessa Shaw), doesn’t like the Breckin Meyer’s hands or him throwing Jägermeister at her. So she maces him, and subsequently everyone else. The subway stops to let another train pass and the group in all their blindness open the door and stumbles out to an abandoned platform. It’s still strange to grasp that Manhattan would have abandoned ANYTHING since gentrification has swept over the city like a plague, but I suppose it is a movie and some liberties must be taken.

Now the group of four drunk bachelors and two half-sober ladies is smart enough to realize that no one, or at least no subway, is going to be back anytime soon, so they decide to hike down the tunnel to the next stop. Well, one couple decides to stay behind to have sex on the abandoned platform. So gross, but at least it is 70’s era Hepatitis they could catch. That could be treated with penicillin.

The group that traverses through the tunnels comes across a trio of what they think are “thugs” robbing a vending machine. Then they see the machetes, the dreaded hair, and poor dental hygiene. Then the brutal sword-murder of a cop. Obviously these are not the gangs from The Warriors they were warned about. So they book it. Unfortunately, these cannibals/thugs/feral people know the subway system better than your average transient so the group has no chance.

The couple that stayed back to “mack it” or whatever slang they were using in 2008 (I’m losing track with this cross generational movie experiment) are killed pretty quickly and gruesomely. The group sees this when they inadvertently happen upon the feral folks’ camp. As they watch their friends lose their heads and then their arms fed to the guard dogs, they realize they are dealing with your more than average psychopaths. This aren’t just criminals, these people were left over from the first Second Avenue subway. They have no intention of letting anyone who sees them see the surface again. Worse than the “mole people,” these guys are gonna murder you, then eat your neck fat because it probably tastes delicious, then wear your pancreas as a broach.

After a lot of running and machete swiping, basically everyone dies: feral folks and privileged white folks alike. I know horror movies are supposed to have a moral message, but I can’t really tell what this one is. Stay on the train? Don’t go to bachelor parties? Don’t throw Jägermeister at women? Whatever it is, I can’t stop looking at Kip Pardue and thinking it looks like Daniel Tosh and this is just all a sketch in front of a green screen. Sorry, Kip, I know you’re trying to have a successful and respected career, but you did name yourself, “Kip.” You have no hope. Just like people who get off trains at abandoned stops.

Day 23, 2013 – Transylvania 6-5000

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Transylvania 6-5000

1985

trans

This movie may have been considered the worst movie of 1985, but I don’t care what critics say. This movie stands the test of time. Except for the title. I highly doubt kids today would get the Glenn Miller Orchestra reference or why telephone exchanges used to have words before them. Back in the old days, kids, people didn’t think we could remember 7 numbers. Not like today, where we can’t remember any telephone numbers, except commercials with catchy jingles (looking at you 1-800-MATTRESS).

Out of this entire month’s experiment, I was hoping to find a movie that would become a perennial favorite, and I think I found it in this film. It’s so ridiculous, I feel like the entire cast knew they were making a terrible movie and just had fun with it. Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley, Jr., Michael Richards, Geena Davis, and Carol Kane. How could this much star power make a movie that Leonard Maltin reviewed as, “Transylvania 6-5000 stunk.”? Well, Mr. Maltin was dead wrong and I’m daring everyone out there to prove him wrong.

I don’t even want to give away the plot, so here are reasons why you should watch this movie:

  • Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley, Jr play a duo. This is beautiful, like watching two trees dance with each other.
  • Carol Kane ad-libs 112% of her lines. I don’t even know if she knows what movie she is in.
  • Geena Davis is almost naked in all of her scenes.
  • Michael Richards basically invented the Borat character and I’m surprised he never sued Sacha Baron Cohen.
  • The horror movie sight gags and many and short in between.
  • If you don’t like funny things, the filming location of Croatia offers beautiful scenery and architecture.
  • It has both an 80s inspired AND pun theme song.

If none of these reasons are enough to intrigue you to watch this movie, then I’m sorry that you will never be happy or satisfied with anything in your life.

Day 22, 2013 – Solomon Kane

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Solomon Kane

2009

solomon

Although this movie has witches, zombies, demons, and shadow ghosts, it’s not exactly a horror movie. It’s more like an “evil adventure” movie. Which probably should be its own genre by now, since “demon slayer” seems to be a favorite among Hugh Jackman characters. But I’ll just wait for the stage musicals to know when a new genre has taken off, thanks very much.

The movie starts with Solomon Kane, played by James Purefoy (famous for living in medieval times, according to his IMDb profile), slaying soldiers in North Africa in 1600. As only the most typical bad ass soldier would do, Solomon does a beautiful “walk and murder” choreography until he and his men come upon the room they were looking for: a bowl of gold. Of course, it is guarded by a hall of mirrors and ghost shadows who kill all Solomon’s men. That’s fine, more for Solomon. However, his glee is quickly put on a ice (literally) when the devil’s reaper shows up and says he’s there to collect Solomon’s soul. Solomon says nope, and jumps out the window.

He didn’t die, though. That would have been a terrible movie if he did because he didn’t even get a chance to shave his stupid beard. Instead we find him hiding out in a monastery, giving himself tattoos and being a “man of God.” However, the monks have had enough. They tell Solomon he’s bumming everyone out and should probably leave. They thank him first, for all the money and riches he gave them, but come on, this isn’t a charity.

So Solomon begrudgingly begins wandering across the countryside, only to come across highway robbers who knock him out and steal his books. Luckily he is saved by a nice Puritan family who is on their way to America. Solomon goes with them since they are God-loving folk, and that’s the path he’s rocking right now. He even gets the look, when they give him a sweet Pilgrim hat, complete with a buckle and all.

Of course, they couldn’t just have a nice journey to America. They have to get stopped by a evil witch, then a marauding band of possessed skinheads, and eventually a demon named Malachi’s right hand man. The patriarch and younger sons are killed while the daughter is kidnapped to be sold into slavery. With his dying words, the father tells Solomon if he rescues the daughter, Meredith, Solomon’s soul will be saved. Fair deal, Solomon figures, and heads off to find the girl, leaving the mother with a bunch of her family’s corpses to clean up. Real nice, Kane.

Solomon meets up with a priest who is hoarding zombies for the devil, which seems completely natural in this universe. He escapes that level of crazy, only to end up thinking Meredith is dead. So he sells some horses he found and starts drinking himself to death. Luckily, he is in a pub with some of his old naval crew who try to convince him to “get back out there.” Solomon dismisses them, but is thankful they stick around because after he escapes an attack and crucifixion by the possessed skinheads, he rounds up the soldiers and head towards the castle where the head demon is hiding out (which happens to be Solomon’s home before his dad kicked him out).

I guess you can go home again, because Solomon is able to sneak into the castle and starts fighting the black-eyed guards and going after the Malachi’s right hand man. Bummer again, he finds out it is his slightly immortal brother who Solomon had thought died when they were younger (Solomon’s fault). Using his “buckle power” I assume, he is able to get stabbed but still kill his brother (for realsies this time), the mirror demon, and the sorcerer demon Malachi that was controlling and ruining everything for everybody. He’s also able to rescue Meredith because he really, really needs his soul back.

The final scene is Solomon talking to the grave of his father and brother, promising that he will probably have to fight again but this time it will be for good. I’m not too sure why he cares about these two so much. His father kicked him out when he was a kid and his brother was a big jerk-face. Maybe it was the Pilgrim hat talking, but God and family and forgiveness seem to be his main reason for going on to murder more people. I can’t wait until he finally gets to America.

Day 21, 2013 – Trollhunter

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Trollhunter

“Trolljegeren” (original title)

2010

troll

I wanted to make sure I saw at least one foreign horror movie in this month and the one I picked did not disappoint. This movie is awesome, but make sure you enjoy reading before you rent it, because it is entirely subtitled.

The movie is another example of “found footage” genre but unlike the other films, this one was actually meant to be a documentary. A group of film students from Vodel College in Norway arrive at the scene of a group of hunters discussing recent “kills.” (This is a good time to interject that people go to college for free in Norway, which is why they are able to afford expensive camera equipment). The hunters who all look like they could have their own Discovery Channel show, tell the kids about seeing a poacher who is killing bears. Through some form of campsite connection, they find out the poacher is staying nearby.

I don’t know much about Norway, but these kids are really excited to get a documentary about a loner poacher, and not at all scared of someone whom others describe as a loner poacher. They find his trailer and wait for him to return from his nightly hunting trip. He returns in a badly scraped up Land Rover with all sort of defensive attachments. Obviously this is not a regular hunter by Norwegian standards. Or even Discovery Channel standards.

He is at first resistant to the college kids, as most bearded mountain men are. However, after they secretly follow him one night and then get attacked by an unknown beast, he figures the stupid kids deserve an interview or two. Especially after their pathetic little car gets destroyed by the same beast that attacked them, the Land Rover is the best thing going for them.

We come to find out that the hunter, Hans, is just a overworked, disgruntled government employee. The Norwegians hired him several decades ago to kill the not-so-mythical trolls that have escaped into the mountains and valleys of Norway. Apparently there has been a troll reserve for several years, but lately more and more have been breaking out and risking killing people and ruining the Norwegian government’s perfect tourist record. On top of protecting an entire country, Hans also has a pain in the ass boss, who is constantly up his ass about his job. Hans basically tells the students that he’s done and hopes their movie will make people realize that trolls exist and he can finally retire.

Obviously the students are skeptical until they actually see a troll. Now for those who aren’t familiar with trolls or Scandinavian fairy tales, here are some facts I gained from this movie:

  • Trolls are very diverse, ranging from one to several heads, with different body types and levels of body hair.
  • All trolls smell terribly.
  • Trolls HATE Christians. Even Christian music.
  • Trolls LOVE goats, but mostly eat rocks.
  • Trolls can’t process sunlight. The younger ones explode, the older ones turn to stone when exposed.

As Hans go about slaying trolls while the students document it, we find out that he has an affinity for the creatures he chases all over the mountains. However, his respect of the beasts can’t save them when they go into a troll den and the trolls return home for the night and it ends up looking like a scene from “Fraggle Rock.” Unfortunately the students and Hans get stuck in the den and we find out the camera man is a Christian and the trolls can somehow smell that on him. He’s doomed, but luckily the camera still works!

The students hire a professional camera woman to take over dead Christian guys job. She is Muslim, but neither Hans nor fairy tales know if that is offensive to the trolls. “I guess we’ll find out,” Hans shrugs as they pile into the Land Rover to chase down the biggest or more terrifying troll who has been stomping over the hills for several days, yet no citizen has reported seeing a large beast. Norway sounds like a place that ignores the terrifying which is probably why they are voted the happiest places to live on earth by non-Americans.

Just as Hans is about to close in on the monster troll, he finds out that there has been an outbreak of rabies among the trolls, which is why they have been acting so erratic and aggressive. As opposed to normal trolls who are calculated and calm, I guess. This poses a problem to Hans, as well as the kid who was attacked the first night. Now he has all the government’s secrets AND a case of rabies. There is no way this kid is going back to normal life at free college.

Luckily Hans is able to kill the monster troll, but not before realizing he is never going to be able to retire and collect pension like a normal government employee. He’s just too damn good at his job. So instead, he bounces, leaving the students, the Muslim who never questioned the whole troll idea, a seismologist they found on the side of the road, and the finally non-working SUV. He heads back into the mountains, most likely to start a life as a Land Rover salesman.

Day 20, 2013 – Murders in the Rue Morgue

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Murders in the Rue Morgue

1971

rue

I’m still not sure how they were able to get away with calling this movie Murders in the Rue Morgue. It actually should have been called Phantom of the Bad Play. It is way more about a caped man stalking some folks then a monkey murderer. But I’m getting ahead of myself on this terrible movie. Let’s start with the beginning.

A theater troupe with French names does a nightly stage version of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Murders in the Rue Morgue.” The original short story is about the investigation of the death of two women who end up being killed by an escaped orangutan and covered up by her sailor master. Obviously, this wasn’t fun enough for the theater group so they make it about a mad man who tortures women and has a pet gorilla who ends up breaking out and saving the woman and killing the mad man in the end. Oh you silly French.

Now of course, this is a horror movie, so something beyond bad producing has to happen. The leading man in the movie (and on stage) is played by Jason Robards, who is slightly creepy to begin with, so he’s got that going for him. His much younger wife, Madeleine, is his opposite in the play, and keeps falling asleep on stage every night. She has a recurring nightmare of a masked man chasing her through someone else’s house with an ax. Obviously, this makes her a terrible actress, but no one seems to care. On this opening scene, we find out the actor who plays the monkey has been murdered after acid is thrown in his face. It’s unsure if the acid actually kills him, but that doesn’t seem to matter. The “acid thrown in face” is the number one focus of the investigations.

We come to find out that there was a love triangle between Jason Robards character, Cesar, and two others: Madeleine’s mother (Mrs. Madeleine? – they never say her real name) and Cesar’s partner of the theater troupe, Morat. Morat “accidentally” had acid thrown in his face during a stage performance of what seems like another butchered Edgar Allan Poe story. Madeleine’s mom still loved him even though he thinks he is undeserving of love due to his ugly face. She assures him that she “hates handsome men” (which I think is code for “gay men”) and will love him for ever. Unfortunately, Madeleine’s mom loses her head and Morat commits suicide, which makes Cesar look very suspicious, but the police don’t seem to look at him, persumebly because he is a “handsome man.” Stupid French.

More murders begin to happen with the same pattern: acid thrown in the face of someone who is close to Cesar. I don’t even know where people are getting all this acid in the late 19th century, but maybe the French have it manufactured in a fancy warehouse. I didn’t read all of European history. Either way, people are scared, but not scared enough to stop going to the play where all the actors keep getting murdered or hang out in the streets at night.

Not surprisingly, the semi-nude masked man (the mask is semi-nude, not the man) with a cape is the “back from the dead” Morat. He has come to seek revenge of everyone who wronged him. Which actually just ends up being Cesar. The others he just kills for practice. Or fun. You can’t really tell. Morat also has a midget sidekick whose main job is to creep out Madeleine and slow clap at appropriate moments.

In the very slow ending, Cesar tries to kill Morat for real this time, but instead just angers him more. He hypnotizes Madeleine to find out what really happened to her mother. It was actually Cesar who beheaded his beloved, because why not. If you can’t have her, no one else should be able to look at her head. Now that Cesar has finally admitted this, it is now his turn to lose his head at the hand of Morat and his slow-clapping midget.

Madeleine goes back to work as a terrible stage actress (because if you can’t be good, you might as well show up), and of course Morat isn’t satisfied with his beloved look-alike running around France. He attempts to abduct her, which doesn’t work because he tries while onstage in front of hundreds of people. He then tries running away from the police through a street carnival, but that just leaves the police confused. He ends the chase back in the theater, tormenting Madeleine and chasing her all over the building. In the end, he falls off the catwalk onto his ugly face.

Madeleine thinks she is now safe. Her murdering husband is dead. Her stalker is stage splat. Her job seems to be safe. However, the last scene proves she is never safe. Not as long as there is a wandering slow-clapping midget running around. Never.

Day 19, 2013 – Paranormal Activity 4

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Paranormal Activity 4

2012

para4

If you’ve never seen the Paranormal Activity movies then you probably shouldn’t start with this one. Just like a teenager, you’d be confused and frustrated. Who is that woman? Why are these children so creepy? How does her hair stay so perfect? Why are people always attracting weird shit in the suburbs?

If you absolutely refuse to see the Paranormal Activity movies, but still like reading my reviews, then I will give you a recap of what they consist of. Firstly, it’s part of a new genre called “found footage.” Presumably we are watching what future murder investigators are watching, after an extensive cut of weeks and weeks of continuous footage from webcams to security cameras to video cameras to camera phones. All of this is made possible because the people in the Paranormal movies are fairly rich and therefore have access to this technology, as well as servers to save everything. That’s where the first suspension of belief exists. It’s not really a documentary, even a fake one, because the filmmakers never intended to make it as such. It was just a bunch white people who started recording everything because why not?

All the Paranormal Activity movies are connected by one story line. A woman and her sister come from a long line of witches, although they may not realize (or accept it). Generations ago, the family made a deal with a demon to give the family wealth and riches. The only payment was the first male heir. Typical demons. Greedy for children. Somehow (or through the power of abortions and infanticide) there is no male heir until present day. Demon is ready to collect, and if he has to possess or kill a few folks and pets along the way, he’s going to do it. Hell, he really is just doing his job. Satan is a task-master.

The first date of the movie is November 1, 2011. How easy: “The Day of the Dead.” I mean if you’re going to start a horror movie on any day of the year, definitely make it this one. Pagans, witches, Catholics, Latino Catholics, everyone loves this date. Halloween is the date that opens the door to the dead. November 1 is when you close the door and see who got out. And the day to find your cat, who you know someone let out accidentally.

This film focuses on the young male heir, who has unknowingly been adopted by what seems like a typical American family: alcoholic parents who don’t love each other with an unsupervised yet sheltered daughter. We never know how little Hunter/Wyatt got to the family, but I’m going to throw it out there: adoptive parents made a deal with a back alley demon and lawyer.

The little boy starts hanging out with Robbie, a super creepy kid from across the street. The daughter, Alex, and her boyfriend, Ben, start to notice the oddities of this neighbor boy, especially the fact that he wears socks with sandals. I mean, that IS the look of psychiatric patients, and being on a 7 year old makes it even worse. So Alex and the boyfriend do the things any typical teen couple would do: set the laptops in the house to full-time surveillance mode.

This was done in the other movies, but a fun little technology was added in this movie: X-Box Kinect. If you don’t believe in technology or haven’t seen TV recently, the Kinect is a motion sense input device that sends out laser signals throughout the room and people standing in the range can interact with the games on the console. However, the teens figure out (probably through Instagram or Wikipedia or something) that when you turn a camera to “night-mode” (favorite of amateur porn stars and ghost hunters), you can see the Kinect laser dots, which illuminate people (and other beings). We all know where this going.

Alex and Ben review the recordings and see someone or something breaking the Kinect dots, as well as other changes in light and motion. During this time, Sandals Kid comes to stay with them because his mother is taken to the hospital. Of course, Alex tries to warn her parents but they are too angry at each other (or drunk) to listen to her. So Alex continues to record her entire family without their knowledge, capturing all the activity, which steadily increases as the movie goes on.

Adopted Kid and Sandals Kid are now best friends, but in a way that you can tell they could convince each other to do anything. We start to learn that Robbie’s mom is the woman from the first Paranormal Activity movie (like no one saw that coming) and she has moved to this very nice suburb so she can conjure the devil in a nice neighborhood with plenty of driveway space for all her witch friends.

The coven wants Adopted Kid back, which doesn’t make any sense. Why did they give him up in the first place? You could have killed him plenty of times prior. You’re in Nevada, the national state of getting rid of bodies. Guess I shouldn’t hate the demon player, hate the demon game. They steal him back, killing everyone else along the way. Except the cat. Presumably because the cat will get a spin-off in Paranormal Activity 9 Lives.

Day 18, 2013 – It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

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It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

1966

pumpkin

Although this film is only 25 minutes long, it really says a lot about society and the terrors that children experience when they try to fill the void left by psychological trauma due to absent parents. Well, that’s one theory. The other theory is that out of chaos, people create religion to better understand the world around them, despite logic and reason telling them otherwise.

The film begins with children of a small American town getting ready for Halloween. First, the character of Lucy murders a pumpkin and carves a childlike view of a face into the empty corpse. Her brother is mortified, but not damaged (yet) enough to go outside and destroy a pile of leaves that the character of Charlie Brown has spent hours toiling over. Lucy enters the scene again, promising an innocent game of “kick the football.” Charlie Brown has trust issues due to Lucy hurting him before. He finally agrees on Lucy’s empty promises and just as expected, the proverbial and literal football is torn out from under him. Lucy claims legal protection and is free to go about and inflict pain again.

The typical plan begins to unfold which includes trick-or-treating and a subsequent Halloween party to follow. Even the character of Charlie Brown is excited for such a plan to unfold, without any pessimistic outlook. However, Lucy’s brother and Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, has other plans.

Linus begins to unveil his delusion of “The Great Pumpkin.” With a basis in Christian all-giving and all-forgiving entities, coupled with Wiccan and Animism ideals, the idea of “The Great Pumpkin” emerges. Linus believes by writing a letter in his own handwriting (not sure if own blood is involved) and then putting the letter into the universe, it will conjure a giant pumpkin to animate and bestow upon Linus and all other believers an abundance of gifts.

While many do not believe Linus and many even mock him, there is one weakling who agrees to follow Linus on his mission to prove all wrong: Sally. However, Sally’s motivation may have been rooted in lust, as she fervently agrees that Linus is her soul mate. She follows Linus to a rural pumpkin patch to await the arrival of “The Great Pumpkin.”

While this is going on, the other children in town participate in the “secular” aspects of Halloween: costumes, trick-or-treating, parties, even taunting others (Linus). One lone character, Snoopy, however does not participate and instead reenacts his WW I dogfight with the elusive “Red Baron” and ending up behind enemy lines. He crawls his way back to civilization, eventually reliving the tragic moments through a series of musical pieces by Schroeder. Snoopy’s tragedy has lead him down a path of atheism, therefore rejecting any sort of religion or religious-based traditions of the holiday.

The Halloween party disbands and everyone heads home. Including Sally, who has grown impatient and rejects the idea of “The Great Pumpkin,” leaving Linus in the pumpkin patch alone. He stays out all night, never witnessing the miracle. At 4am, his sister, Lucy, finally becomes compassionate and brings Linus home, tucking him into bed. She will never fall into his delusions, but will still make sure he never does anything to harm himself.

The next morning is full of disappointment in the air. Charlie Brown’s first trick-or-treating experience was met with rejection and lack of any sufficient “treats.” Linus is dejected that his “messiah” never came. However, he reinforces his belief and says he will try again next year. The only positive outcome is that Linus will never participate in the candy-grabbing such as other children, therefore sparing him a lifetime of obesity, tooth decay, and diabetes.

Day 17, 2013 – Night of the Comet

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Night of the Comet

1984

comet

This movie is so 80s, I should be being born instead of watching it. First of all, let’s start off by learning that the original working for this film was Teenage Mutant Horror Comet Zombies. So right there you know you won’t be seeing any Oscar-worthy performances. And the entire cast stands and delivers as such.

The movie begins with news reports of a comet that will soon be passing through earth’s orbit, promising a spectacular light show. In as such L.A. fashion, parties are planned around the city (on rooftops of course). Except for a few squares who decide being underground is more important. Through “math,” some of the film’s fans figure out the date is Friday, December 13. This movie is should be called Camp Squared.

The main character is Regina, a high school Valley Girl senior who works in a movie theater. She also uses her time in the theater to get all the high scores on a arcade game and bang her boyfriend in the projection booth. She was lucky she wasn’t fired before this, because the projection booth ends up saving her life.

When the comet passes by, it ends up releasing a radioactive dust that disintegrates every living thing. Well, mammals and people. Trees stay. Not sure about fish. Can’t say one way or another for people in airplanes. However, since Regina is getting it on (or “making it” as apparently in the 80s called it) with her boyfriend, they end up staying in the steel and lead projection room, therefore protecting them from any fallout. Score one for whores! That never happens; the “whore” is usually the first one to go.

Unfortunately Regina loses her boyfriend almost immediately to the appetite of a non-Thorozine patient zombie. In fact, these zombies are quite lively, a nice break from the shuffling zombies we normally seen. The moaning/slurping sound of their undead mouths is the same though. Good to know some things never change.

Regina runs home to find her younger teen sister, still alive. Still annoying. And still self-absorbed. It takes the sister, Samantha, quite some time to grasp the reality of the situation. And she never really does. The two overhear a still working radio, and figure someone must be playing music, because payola is a bitch to get out of.

However, the only thing they find at the radio station is a Latino trucker/drifter with Erik Estrada hair. The actor wasn’t Erik Estrada, but that would have been awesome. The girls find out the only reason he is alive and not a zombie is because he was ALSO banging (sorry, “making it with”) a girl in the back of his steel truck during the comet. Unfortunately, his one-night stand was zombie breakfast and he headed towards the radio station for the same reason the girls did – to find out who keeps requesting “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

Total bummer! The radio station was just a tape deck on a recorded loop in what looks like a discarded gay night club. The trio tries to reach out through the airwaves to see if there are any non-zombified hotties out there. They get a call, but it is from the square scientists who hid themselves underground during the radioactive shower.

Now these scientists seem like they would be the bad guys. But actually, they were just the idiot victims. They accidentally left the air vents open during the comet passage, and everyone underground was exposed to the “grody to the max” red dust. So instead of just saying “whoops” and dying with dignity, they send out troops to gather up any survivors with still-pure blood to create a serum (or is it anti-serum, I can never remember) for everyone still living in their still very exposed underground bunker. I don’t even leave my windows open when it looks like rain on Friday, how did these “geniuses” make such a mistake?

But that’s moot, because when the LA trio ends up the bunker, it’s all about kicking ass and lighting things up with dynamite and gasoline (not sure why they needed both, but then I forget people like explosions). They are able to escape the clutches of the now zombie bunker and head back to L.A. with two other survivor children. They are now a “family.” The type of “family” that will need to repopulate the earth.

Ewwww! Gag me with a spoon!

Day 16, 2013 – Burn, Witch, Burn

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Burn, Witch, Burn

1962

burn

Whenever I hear the phrase, “British thriller,” I normally think, this is going to be so boring because I won’t understand what they are saying and they always have dramatic scenes in cars on the wrong side of the road.

However, this thriller about a successful sociology professor with an oddly jittery wife is not boring at all, although they do drive on the wrong side of the road. I mean the movie starts with a blank screen and a voice casting an incantation on the audience to protect us from the evil spirits in the film. Way better prologue than “reading” things.

The movie begins with the professor, Norman teaching a class about the dangers and importance of debunking myths, witchcraft, superstitions, and homemade potions in the face of legitimate medicine and science. Most of his students are enamored with him during the class, but there is an especially annoying blonde suck-up who you can tell has a crush on him. This sounds awfully familiar to lots of other horror films, but this girl is definitely going to be more trouble than she is worth.

The movie continues with Norman talking to another colleague about setting up a bridge game that Friday night. Nothing sounds more like an event that needs some form of sorcery to happen then a game of bridge. This is where I thought the movie was going to be boring.

The next scene shows the colleague, named Lindsay and his wife, Flora (who also works at the college) along with his sister (maybe mother, it’s hard to tell in these black-and-white movies) who starts complaining about how terrible Norman and his wife are. Flora seems to give them the benefit of the doubt. Lindsay ignores it. But the angry woman keeps yammering on about how untruthful and terrible this couple is.

Doesn’t stop them all from attending a bridge game at the house. They all keep making jokes about “good luck charms” and “witchcraft” and Norman’s wife, Tansy, keeps giving knowing looks. As in, Shit, I’m a witch and my cover’s been blown, so I’m just going to pretend to be neurotic and crazy about this awesome bridge game we’re all having. You all know that look.

As the movie progresses, Norman and the audience slowly start to discover the extent of Tansy’s obsession with her “protective witchcraft.” She goes to their beach cottage to practice her skill which she has been honing for the past two years. It began when her husband had an accident on a vacation in Jamaica. They never really say what kind of “accident” but I’m going with wake-boarding and cock-fight gone wrong. Tansy states that the good professor was at death’s door, and although she didn’t ACTUALLY promise to trade his life for hers, she started thinking about all the good things she could do with her skills.

In Tansy’s mind, she was responsible for all of Norman’s success and advancement at the college. Which is odd, because his success comes calling witches “crazy” and superstitions “neuroses.” Obviously, Tansy doesn’t see the irony. However, Norman doesn’t see the connection when bad things start happening to them as soon as he makes Tansy burn everything “witchcraft related” in the house.

First, he is accused of rape by the love-struck blonde student, after she makes an obscene phone call to his house. His cat starts acting weird. The blonde girl’s boyfriend pulls a gun on him. His wife won’t listen to his boring lecture tapes. Then she leaves him to go kill herself. On his way to stop her, he gets in a car accident, but is unhurt, just delayed on his trip to stop his wife’s suicide mission. He finally arrives at their beach cottage, but can’t find her. Luckily for him, through his years of trying to discredit spells and charms, he is actually able to stop his wife by using spells and charms he studied so hard. Oh British irony, you’re hilarious.

Now “Catatonic Tansy” exists, though. Although less twitchy then regular Tansy, Norman doesn’t know what to do with her. Thankfully, a demon voice comes through and tells him to take her home. Norman happily and stupidly obliges, because as soon as he gets her home, she tries to kill him. However, during her “Snapped” moment, Norman notices that she is limping, just like his colleague Flora from the college.

Norman runs to the college to gather up evidence that he isn’t the crazy one now. He breaks into Flora’s office who of course isn’t far behind. You don’t take over someone’s body without knowing a thing or two about their whereabouts. When Norman confronts her, she just cackles (literally) then starts lighting some cards on fire and playing Norman’s extremely boring conference speeches over the intercom. Norman goes bat-shit crazy and starts running from the building. Then, things get interesting. Flora sics her stone eagle on him.

I don’t want to give away the ending, but let’s just say eagles are bad-ass and we should be proud that they are our nation’s freedom bird. As in, freedom from persecution of religion! I don’t want to say the moral of the story is, Witches be crazy, but seriously every woman in this movie is a certified nut-job by all clinical standards. And when you get a bunch of crazy women together trying to out-do each other, you get high school and this movie. Which are both scary enough for me to need another horror film break.