This is not a piece on gun control. I understand the Second Amendment. I understand the Tenth Amendment. I will not pretend to understand how these two interact. I will not pretend to understand individual county and state laws. It is too complicated and therefore should only be debated on by people who understand these laws.

This is not an essay on mental health care in this country. There are people who are mentally ill. People often die from their mental illnesses or commit acts that a person without a mental illness would not do. However, I took only four college courses on psychology and therefore do not consider myself an “expert” on the subject.

This is not an article on politics. That’s for the pundits. Whatever the hell a “pundit” is.

Instead, I write this because I’m exhausted. The “violence in the media” argument has been used so often, it’s cliche. In fact, so cliche that Amy Heckerling wrote one of the greatest responses to it back in 1995 for “Clueless”:

“Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.”

It is not “glorified violence” in TV and movies that makes guns more appealing. We glorify survival. We glorify personal justice, pride, and revenge through popular media. That makes weapons more appealing to us, not violence in video games and movies.

The opening scene of the first episode of “The Walking Dead” depicts a cop shooting a little girl, who is a zombie. In the movie “Taken,” Liam Neeson’s character crosses international borders and commits murder to save his daughter’s life. In “Home Alone,” a child booby-traps his own house in an attempt to deliberately assault two home intruders. In the book and film “The Hunger Games,” children must both fight for their lives and and kill each other.

The theme throughout these shows and movies is that in the spirit of protecting your home, your life, and the life of your loved ones, we will go to great extremes. But these are works of fiction. However, instead of seeing them as entertainment, our society began to see them as handbooks. After “The Hunger Games” premiered, there was an increase in requests for archery classes. While it is a well respected world-wide sport, what was the reason? Should it be put on the same field as soccer and Little League as part of team building and exercise for children?

The zombie “trend” in popular culture spawned books and internet “how-to” guides to survive a zombie apocalypse. Zombies are not real. Aliens will not attack you. These creatures do not exist in the sense that are depicted. However, people take these threats seriously. They imitate movies and hone their skills and buy large knives. They stock up on supplies. And yet, they don’t know their neighbors. They don’t respect cops and see emergency personnel as a nuisance. Those distrustful of the system are inadvertently causing cracks in it.

People will buy guns for any number of reasons: Craftsmanship, sport, protection, intimidation. The same could be said for why people buy cars, which kill more people a year than guns according to the CDC. Yet the cultural landscape has one-upped the protection aspect. There are reality television programs and internet videos that show personal arsenals of self-described “Survivalists.”

The Survivialism movement isn’t new. We have seen bomb shelters and underground bunkers since the beginning of the Cold War. However, in recent years, (most notably since Y2K), movies and books have started to glorify it. People no longer want to be heroes that “save the day.” They want to be the heroes that “kick that threat in the face and make it suffer for the pain it caused or will inevitably cause their loved ones.”

So we sit around and brag about what we would do in “this hypothetical situation” or “If I was there, it wouldn’t have gone down like that.” We’d like to all think in a time of crisis and panic, we would be the ones who would stand up and take down the threat. However, people don’t realize that in the midst of mayhem, you have just enough success rate of taking down a mass murderer as you would if you stood up to a tornado.

There is a reason law enforcement condemn vigilantes. It’s not because they are “making the cops look bad.” It’s for the safety of the vigilante and those around them. Military and law enforcement officers are trained rigorously to recognize situations where it is better to intercede and when it is time to stay on the fringe. They are also trained to separate their emotions. In a real life emergency situation, there is no way to predict how one’s body will react. Adrenaline is a powerful biological element passed down through human evolution. However, it wasn’t passed down so we could ninja flip from one building to another. It was an evolutionary trait for when our ancestors came across lions and large snakes. Fight or flight. This was to protect the human species and eventually get us to the top of the food chain. And now that we are up there, the only things we have to fight are each other. Which we seem to always be itching to do.

There is an old joke where a cop stops a little old lady in her car and sees a shotgun in her lap. He then asks to see her registration and see an handgun in glove compartment. He next asks her to open the trunk and sees several more guns and rounds of ammunition. He goes, “Ma’am, why do you need these weapons?” “For protection,” she says, in her innocent old lady voice. “What are you afraid of?” asks the cop. The old lady cocks the shotgun and says, “Not a damn thing.”

Maybe we should be asking ourselves the same question.

Love is easy. You can love anything for a split second, an hour, a week, or years. Love is simple because the English language hasn’t invented another word for “this is what I am craving right now.” Love is fleeting, because you may not always love the music or food or place or person you are with right now. But “above-love” is something different. It is a phrase I came up with that means something more. Something permanent. Something ethereal. Something too delicate and perfect for this world. But it is something very real. I see it every day of my life. I see it in my family, my thoughts, my emotions, my greatest friends, my regrets, my sadness, and most importantly, in me. “Above-love” isn’t something you jump into. It jumps into you. I hope you all find it someday, if you haven’t already. And if you have found it, I hope you recognize it for how amazing it truly is. I hope that I never lose the desire to search for it throughout my life.

http://blog.timesunion.com/kristi/vacation-post-about-love/49110/

No one has ever put an exact number on the Founding Fathers of the United States. Some historians believe it is the “Signers of the Declaration of Independence” and the “Framers of the Constitution.” Others believe this group extends far beyond these two key groups of men, to include merchants, businessmen, military members, and landowners who enlisted service, funds, and support for the cause. However, there are the famous ones that our history books will not shut up about it. If our history books were Us Weekly , Benji, Tommy, and Georgie would be the Beyonce, Kardashian, and Lindsay Lohan of the world. I’m sure they got themselves into as many scandals as our contemporaries did, but they also had their fair share of good ideas and even better advice.

So in the spirit of America’s Birthday today (which is July 4 for those who don’t live in America or own the internet), I would like to dispense their wisdom here. Who doesn’t love bragging about how awesome their dad(s) are?

“You will never be alone with a poet in your pocket.”

Letter to John Quincy Adams (14 May 1781)

“Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.”

Letter to Abbé Morellet (1779)

“The passions of a revolution are apt to hurry even good men into excesses.”

Personal Essay (August 12, 1795)

“Real Christians will abstain from violating the rights of others, and therefore will not provoke war.”

Letter to John Murray (12 October 1816)

“I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give.”

Letter to Alexander Donald (7 February 1788)

“I always talk better lying down.”

Last words of James Madison

“Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.”

Letter to Bushrod Washington (15 January 1783)

J. R.

“No fussing, no fighting, no kicking, no biting.”

My actual father, to all his kids, all the time.

There are literally thousands of things I regret from college. Actually going to college though, is not one of them. However, Sallie-Mae collections are hell bent on making me believe that I should regret it, and every decision I made since then.

“Now and then again, I think of all the times you screwed me over…Had me believing it was always something that I’ve done.” This song was obviously about a conversation that Gotye had with a Sallie Mae collections rep.

Even the most under-rock dwellers are aware of the student loan debt bubble. I’m referring to it as a bubble, and not a crisis, because we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of the implications and long lasting effects of predatory lending and high-interest rates on a loan that is virtually useless. There’s no collateral, no assets. The only collateral you are signing over is your future.

Predatory lending is nothing new. Usury is a sin. And not one of those “gay” sins. That shit is all over the Bible. But corporations sin, there’s nothing we can do about that. Because corporations are humans too. They aren’t perfect.

What borders on evil though is telling a 19-year-old that if she doesn’t come up with $10,000 by the end of the day, she will be kicked out of school, lose any job prospects, won’t have a fulfilling life, and will be the laughing-stock of her friends. Not that this happened to me or anything…

Sallie Mae LOVES giving you loans. The people who work in that office must be angels. They just can’t say no. And, to add even more greatness to it, they will give you MORE money that what you asked for. So you will get a refund check from your school at the end of the semester and Sallie Mae still gets to charge interest on your loan. So. Nice.

However, Sallie Mae collections reps are sent from the bowels of hell. Internet trolls who comment on message boards even think these people are the lowest form of soulless creatures. While I’m sure some started out human, I assume working for Sallie Mae has taking away their will to live. Here are some examples of conversations I’ve had with Sallie Mae collection reps. These are absolutely true, because I record every conversation (with pen and paper, I don’t want to get arrested):

Me: But this payment will at least help you out because you work on commission, right?
  Sallie Mae Lady: Not necessarily...
  Me: So you don't work on commission?
  Sallie Mae Lady: Oh we do, but your payment is so small it doesn't even matter.
  Me: Merry Christmas.

Sallie Mae lady: Why can't you pay this (ridiculously high) payment?
  Me: Because I'm under-employed for my degree.
  Sallie Mae lady: Okay, and when do you expect to be not under-employed?
  Me: Ten years ago.
 (She didn't get my joke)

Me: I don't have the full payment for the minimum amount.
Sallie Mae rep: Can't you borrow it from someone or open a credit card?
(Someone should explain to her how credit works)

I could talk about student loans until I’m Sallie Mae blue in the face, but instead of worrying about, I have decided to capitalize on it. In the next few months, there will be tens of thousands of young people who won’t have to make that difficult decision of buying a new car or saving for a house. Instead, they’ll have to make that even simpler decision, “Do I buy milk or bread?” The best part about this aptly named “Sallie Mae Diet” is that ANYONE can do it, because you’re going to have to do it. Seriously, you won’t have any money for at least 15 years. And when you don’t have money, you can’t buy luxuries, like food.

Here is some advice on how to start your own “Sallie Mae Diet.” All plans will not work for all people. Please consult a doctor or the small print on a depression drug before starting a new regimen.

• Nutritionists and Coca Cola owned Dasani tell you that drinking water is good. When you have crippling loan debt, you cry a lot. When you cry, you get dehydrated. When you get dehydrated, you need water. Try weeping all day for added benefits of drinking water constantly.
• Cars are expensive. Not as expensive as college, but still pricey. Instead, make sure you walk everywhere. If you get invited to a pool party, make sure you map out how long it will take you to walk there. If the party is 60 miles away, make sure to get a good head start in the morning before the sun is too high in the sky. By the time you get there, you will be so svelte and sun-kissed, you will be the best looking one there and someone (anyone) will want to give you a ride home.

Healthy food can be expensive, so it can be difficult for those on limited funds to eat healthy. For those on a $1.54 a week food budget, here are some suggestions:

• Join a community garden. Even if you don’t know how to garden, tend to your plot every day. Move around dirt, curse at the lack (or too much) rain. Ask people if they have any suggestions on which bulbs to plant. You know, say garden-y things. Once you gain their trust, start to admire their vegetables. At night, sneak in and lift a few vegetables from each plot. To throw them off your scent, photoshop a bunny and deer sneaking into the garden and helping themselves. Bunny and Deer become enemy number one, and you get off scot-free. And with delicious food.
• Next, take a bus to your local big lots selling club (Sam’s Club, BJ’s, etc). Bring one of those large, cooler-like bags that are so popular nowadays. On weekends, there are plenty of people handing out samples. It can get tricky, because these sample distribution veterans are trained to stop moochers. This is where it can get tricky. First, somehow get to the employee break room. Hide in the corner and note when each employee takes their breaks. Then use this rotating schedule to gather up as many samples as possible. ADDED BONUS: These places usually have air conditioning/heating AND lighting. Two things you may have to sacrifice when you pay your student loans.
• Sleep is very important. Doctors and the internet state that sleeping has extra health benefits such as losing weight and reducing stress. Also, the more you sleep, the less hungry you will be because you can’t eat while you sleep. Or you can, but linen isn’t very digestible. Benefits of extra sleep increase when you can’t find a full time job and have to live in your parents’ basement. Basements are usually dark, cold, and quiet. Perfect environment for crying and sleeping.

Fuck shoes, I want this walk-in closet. The best part is, it can double as a bunker in case of emergency or sober attack. My apartment is too small, but as soon as I become a homeowner, this is the first thing I will buy. If I ever get married, this will be the one and only thing on my registry.

I swear I’m a girl, but this gets me more excited than any jewelry, clothing, or male cast member of True Blood.

I attended my first Comic Con today in Albany. First off, as a warning to all, there were NO comedians there. Don’t be duped like I was. So after the initial frustration of waiting around for someone to make me laugh, I looked around and noticed three things:

1. These people like to practice for Halloween. I mean a trial run here and there in mid-October is fine, but several months beforehand? Come on. No one likes dressing up that much. Or maybe, this is their regular clothes and everyday outfits are their costumes….Nah, these people couldn’t be that deep. They are at a convention on Sunday and not at church. Or maybe…THIS is their church. Oh God, my brain is hurting.
2. I couldn’t believe they would let children into this not-funny convention and then put all the toys on the top shelf, completely out of the reaches of children’s chubby sticky hands. So I think I did a good deed and moved all the toys down to the floor where the kids could play with them. Some of the toys were really old, so I took them out of their packages so the kids wouldn’t have a hard time opening the boxes. Karma for me, please and thank you.
3. Lots of people were drawing cartoons. But they weren’t even drawing them. They were tracing them. And then, these customers wanted the tracer to sign it. There’s a sucker born every minute. **

However, I did notice there were some positives to this gathering. Or should I say there was some Pros to this Con.

1. Childhood wonderment. It was very cool to see adults and children get the same kind of excited about seeing something. Just like a Harry Potter movie release or a baseball game. Except 96% less alcohol involved.
2. The sense of community among people was astonishing, since I’m so used to a New York attitude laced with cynicism, surrounded by sarcasm and paranoia. But here, there was sharing and talking and letting people bump into you without wanting to shank them. This is what the West Coast is like, I bet. But 96% less pale.
3. The beards. So many beards, of all shapes, colors, and sizes. If it wasn’t creepy, I would have taken a picture of all of them. And even if it was allowed, my camera would’ve ran out of battery and space within minutes. I’m surprised some of these little babies weren’t sporting beards. Or even a little mustache. Obviously they are not true fans yet.

 Lastly, I would like to go to another one of these Comic Book Conventions. It would be interesting to meet the creator of a brand new story. Then in 5 years, you get to read the bloggers complain about how he sold out and doesn’t even care about his fans anymore and doesn’t stay true to the characters. You bearded bloggers are never satisfied!

Success! Another diversity day to add to the utility belt! (That’s a comic reference, right?)

**I’m kidding about the artists, of course. Their work is breathtaking and should not be ridiculed, even if one is unfamiliar with the genre. Please don’t shank me, artists.

Also, small shout-out to my buddy Buddy who is part of a film project in the Capital Region called “Dead Burger” and was at the Albany Comic Con promoting it. Here is a video and link to his Kickstarter project board. If I had money, I would give it to them because I love moviefilms and things that come out of the Capital Region.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/abominationfilms/dead-burger-by-abomination-films

“No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means.”

-George Bernard Shaw

Taking quotes out of the Bible and out of context to base an entire belief system on is like taking a page out of the phone book and saying, “This proves all the people that live in my town have last names that start with the same letter.” Both are illogical, silly, detrimental, and yet we still do it. Take Bible quotes out of context, not tear out phone book pages. Who even has a phone book anymore?

Lots of religions, Hallmark greeting card artists, and atheists like to grab quotes from the Bible to prove a point. However, for some reason in this country, it’s the Evangelical Christians that will shake that baby until every last drop of vengeful God falls out of it and onto the pulpit. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone is welcome to read and interpret the Bible in their own wacky way. Just like everyone is welcome to read and interpret what the fuck Jose Conseco is trying to say on Twitter. It’s America and it’s allowed. What SHOULDN’T be allowed is creating an entire life decision on one sentence written thousands of years ago that has been translated so many times that it’s entirely possible the initial meaning was lost. So if you decide you hate gay people, just man-up and admit that you hate gay people. Don’t blame it on a text from a language that isn’t even around anymore. Wikipedia predicts there are about 700 people who know and can vaguely understand Ancient Hebrew. There are more people that speak Game of Throne’s Dothraki Language. And that is literally a MADE-UP language.

So based on this brief linguistic lesson, you would think that more people would be careful with what they interpret or what they choose to dwell upon. And also remember that the world was VERY different when it was written. Hell, the world was VERY different 20 years ago. I’m not going to look at a Windows ’95 manual and honestly believe that everything is exactly the way it is in the book and other scenarios haven’t come into play. So I’m going to put that ’95 manual over by this pile of yellow books that someone keeps leaving at my doorstep. Both equally useless and outdated in today’s world.

Now, does this mean I think we should also throw the Bible to the wayside. No. That’s ridiculous. And possibly blasphemous….I haven’t read that far. However, what we need to stop doing is treating the Bible like our nation’s bible. It’s not a structure, it’s a blueprint. You can’t build a house from the paper you draw the designs from, just like you can’t build a religion from words on a page. And yet we did it. Through tears, bloodshed, debates, money, and just plain fear, we have allowed religions to be created from these words on a page. Whatever your feelings about organized religion are, we should all come together and start to get rid of this idea that in order for a religion to survive and remain strong, it must be rigid. Instead, we need to look at religion more like a bridge than a building. 

Bridges need to be flexible to the constantly changing world. They need constant maintenance and monitoring in order for them to remain safe. They need to be repainted to keep their presence alive and not become an eyesore to the community. And sometimes, bridges need to be torn down and built back up again in order to adjust to new technology, increased traffic, and because all your friends keep jumping off of them (just like your mother warned you).

But maybe I’m just idealistic. Or practical. Or both. No one is ever going to agree on religion in this country because no one wants to be told how to run their own lives (but we still want to be taken care of). And also, it’s just weird that people think we could all agree. America is such a baby country, but it’s so big, it’s like a freakishly fat baby you see on “Maury” because his mother wants him to never cry and you can’t cry if you’re constantly in a food coma. Also, a metaphor for America. We are fat, lazy, and look for constant validation that what we are doing is correct and right. Which is what we love about religions. You have an entire group of people that will validate that your bitterness and hatred towards a certain group of people or certain subset of society is correct. “Oh there’s no WAY I can be an asshole because all these people act the same way and there’s no way that we can ALL be assholes.” Actually, asshole, yes. It’s very possible for an entire group of people to be douchebags. Look at the French.

So the asshole gets trapped in the virtual vortex that is organized religion. He didn’t necessarily start out that way, but people looking for religion often don’t have a solid structure of beliefs and therefore can be molded and manipulated depending on the crowds he’s rolling with. Peer pressure is a lot more powerful than people believe and it extends well beyond high school. And this isn’t the “cool” 19-year old freshman trying to get you to try a joint underneath the bleachers (did I just paint the PERFECT after-school special for you?!). This is peer pressure coming from people who are much more richer and powerful than you. Every leader wants people to follow them to validate THEIR decisions are correct. Even Jesus had a bunch of dudes and lady-friends following him and his hippie sandals. 

Does it make it right or wrong? Not necessarily. Some people need to be reigned into a group or else they really will walk off that non-existant bridge metaphor. Others need the sense of community that organized religion because it gives them a chance to interact with someone other than their 23 cats and equally as many personalities for online dating. I’ve seen many people join churches so they can contribute to their communities with their talents. And still others join because it’s comforting for them and gives them peace at a time in their lives when they may need the support and kind words of another member of their place of worship. These are all completely valid and understandable reasons to join one group or another. No one in this country wants to take that right away….theoretically…

First Amendment. Easy. Kids know it. They understand it. Even WITHOUT looking it up on Wikipedia. And yet just as kids “understand” religion when they are younger, as we grow, the First Amendment can be just as difficult to keep intact as it is to keep your childhood beliefs intact. This is because we’ve seen the world and we know what is out there. As your experiences extend to make your world bigger and bigger by the year, so does your brain (we hope). After seeing, hearing, and smelling what this country is made up of, it’s difficult to see the First Amendment as black and white.

Although not confirmed, but it is often attributed to Voltaire, the saying “I do not agree with what you are saying, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!” should be the basis for our Constitution. That’s right, a French dude said that. Good lord, we are good at stealing stuff. So you have your battle cry right there. Why should there be so much disagreement? Now, there is an argument that although free speech and freedom of religion should be curbed if it causes detrimental harm to another person or facet of society. Which is why we have hate crime and libel/slander laws. The Westboro Baptist Church is allowed to speak, practice, and assemble in any way that they please. However, since they are horrible human beings who cause pain and suffering of families that they are targeting, the government in some states have taken steps to prevent the groups from interrupting certain events (that of funeral of military members mainly).

Now, UNLIKE a lot of religious doctrines, including the Bible, the First Amendment has been adjusted with “exceptions.” Good job, Constitution…you are a bridge, not a structure. The core basis is still there: freedoms of speech, religion, press, and assembly. However, with each case, there have become more and more asterisks on them. For example, if you group promotes violence (The KKK), the government is allowed to shut you down. If you lie about someone or something in a publication or under oath, you can be brought to court. You can’t steal speech from someone else. You can’t print and/or distribute child pornography under the guise of “press,” or your genitals can be chopped off and fed to rabid wolves while you watch. That last one might need a citation…

Hmmm…no killing, no lying, no stealing, no coveting your neighbors…These sound familiar. Oh that’s right, because they are written in the Bible. But they were written in the Bible to create a sense of security and rules within societies that at Moses’ time were basically wandering groups of oppressed people or sex-ed up, corrupt politicians. Kind of like the 60s. But then people got their shit together (sorta) and created societies that people could settle down in for a couple decades (because they didn’t live much past 30 then). By the time Jesus was birthed in the barn, society was coming together quite nicely. Augustus was organizing a census and Herod somehow had the military AND the organizational skills to kill all the baby boys who looked like they could usurp the crown. I bet fat baby America from “Maury” would’ve been a threat, but I can’t imagine any of these other kids were mouthing off about anarchy like a hipster at an Occupy rally. So it’s safe to admit that Jesus grew up in a pretty violent time. I also imagine that at least ONE of those Jewish mothers tracked him down a couple years later and gave him the guilt trip on how it was his fault her little Bernie was murdered. But then Jesus gave her a hug and it was all good. I also imagine Jesus liked hugs.

So when Jesus started wandering and preaching, of course people came to him and asked him about the Ten Commandments. This is how I see the scene playing out:

“Jesus, you know that religion that you are talking about. The one where people are calling you the King of the Juice?”
“Jews”
“Jaws. Whatever. But which of those 10 rules are the most important? Because one of them HAS to be yours and your Dad’s favorite.”
“‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” 
(Matthew wrote down that little gem for Jesus in his 22nd chapter.)

So you would think, an entire religion based on Jesus would try to follow the most important thing he ever said. But instead, there are groups of Christians that can’t get out of the Old Testament and therefore get out of their own way. They are so focused on a set of archaic rules set forth when the world was extremely different. Claiming to act on Jesus’ words, people become bigots. That sounds like the opposite of “loving everyone.” Also, some Christians will constantly judge another person or groups actions, even though Jesus and Tupac BOTH said, only God can judge. And God loves you so much, he sent His son to tell you that and possibly apologize for all that smiting and vengeance he did a couple millennial before. Jesus despised hypocrites. He says it a lot. But since Jesus doesn’t “hate” anyone, he does it kind of passive-aggressively.

“Then Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem and said, “Why do Your disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat.” He answered them, “And why do you transgress the Commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him surely die.’ But you say, ‘If any one tells his father or his mother, What you would have gained from me is given to God, he need not honor his father.’ So, for the sake of your tradition, you have made void the word of God. You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said: ‘This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me; in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.'” (Matthew 15:1-9 RSV)

So again, you would think an entire religion based on this one man who really only loathed one type of person wouldn’t produce THOSE types of people. But we see it everywhere. Anti-gay pastors who end up having a sex slave named Miguel in their basement. Anti-welfare soap-box carriers who don’t realize that the poor and sick need help from other sources than prayer and shame. The list goes on and on. Yet, we all know this and still allow it to continue. As if we upset the tradition of hypocrisy and pretentiousness, we will somehow anger God like that one Thanksgiving you didn’t have the traditional pie and Grandma threw a turkey baster at your aunt.

 

The last time we considered letting women get involved in the government, they took away booze. So I see why you are scared, Republican White Men. However, with the oddly sexist agenda being thrown into the ring, I felt a pang of nostalgia. It’s like a theme party from the 1960s! Except no one has good clothes and everything smells. What’s nostalgia called when you never experienced the time to begin with? I think it’s called Romanticizing the past. Stop doing that.

I wonder what our mothers who fought hard for these rights would feel about this? Oh that’s right, we can ask them. But these “gentlemen” don’t seem to have mothers. Or maybe they had the kind of mothers who never wanted them, believed they were a mistake, and regretted every moment of their lives. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we had something that gave women power over their lives and careers? Wait, we do. It’s called birth control. And you know what women also have? Free will. So no matter what your beliefs are or aren’t, no one is forcing women to take birth control. Planned Parenthood isn’t lurking outside your bedroom door, waiting for you to fall asleep, then shoot pills into your mouth. Although, that would be pretty awesome if someone was roaming the streets with a pill gun.

I think if the Republican party took a step back, they’d realize that technically, we are all on the same page and want the same outcome. First of all, no one, and I mean literally no one, is “pro-abortion.” No one thinks, “I love killing babies and possibly maiming women’s insides. I wish I could do this every day.” Although this is America, so I’m sure there is SOMEONE out there who thinks that. For our sakes, though, I hope that person is in prison and therefore can’t vote.

So it is safe to assume that everyone wants LESS abortions. The problem is, the best way to prevent this sexually transmitted fast growing cell affliction is through education and birth control. Abstinence-only teaching does not work. Scaring the hell out of middle and high-school students works. If you tell a 13 year old that having a baby at 14 is going to make their boobs stop growing correctly and they won’t be able to go on Facebook whenever they want, trust me, they’ll listen. Also, tell them the price of baby formula, and they’ll realize why it is locked up at the grocery store. And unlike that other popular white powder, your baby can’t snort it. So that’s why you need bottles, which also cost money. And while you are explaining the horrors of being young, poor, and a single parent, also throw in the whole deal about STDs. It does not matter what you tell people, STDs will never be eradicated. To drive that point home with extra horrifying images, tell them that recently there have been syphilis outbreaks in nursing homes across the country. That means old people doing it. Ew.

After you scare the hell of the kids, throw them condoms and other sex ed paraphernalia. Kids love free shit. But don’t stop there. People still need access to to information and education because not every kid is going to get a good job. And free condoms can’t be used as currency. Yet.

If there are pro-life and pro-choice agendas out there, I believe there should be a third option. Most Americans are somewhere on the fence when it comes to this issue because every situation is not the same. People don’t want to just commit to yes or no response without hearing the whole story. Unfortunately (and also fortunately), a committee cannot be called for every decision. Instead, it is strictly a personal decision to be made by said person having the procedure, as well as their family if they wish to be included. Similar to other decisions we make about our lives, that whole “pursuit of happiness” clause we have is usually the driving point behind it.

However, “the right to Life and Liberty” clause is where people get stuck. According to the CDC, there is no federal definition for “stillbirth” as it is seen in other countries including the UK and Canada. It does however have a slightly varying term for “fetal death.” Federal guidelines “recommend reporting fetal deaths whose birth weight is over 12.5 oz, or those more than 20 weeks (4.5 months) gestation,” and therefore the parents can apply for a birth certificate for these stillbirths in 27 states “if they wish to pay for one.” It used to be that only deaths during child birth were reported, but there is a movement spreading to have all these issued birth certificates, which qualify the fetus as a citizen even though it was never technically alive outside the mother’s body. However, these regulations ONLY apply to parents who do not induce the fetus voluntarily, such as when it is dangerous to the mother’s health or the doctor has detected genetic defects which render the fetus impossible to carry to term without death.

Another piece of legislation that was passed is the federal law (and therefore enforced in all 50 states, for those of you who missed civics class) called the “Unborn Victims of Violence Act.” The law did two things. If a mother is attacked while pregnant and the fetus is maimed or dies in utero, the person committing the crime can be prosecuted for violence on both the mother and the child, even if the attacker did not intend to deliberately harm the fetus or even if they had previous knowledge of the pregnancy. It also defined the term “unborn child,” but ONLY how it relates to this act. It means a child in utero, and the term “child in utero” or “child, who is in utero” means a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb.”

When the bill was brought to the House and Senate floors, there was extreme backlash by pro-choice groups that the term for “in utero” was too broad and could open up prosecution against the women who opt for an abortion, whatever the circumstances. They also asked for no prosecution for a woman who deliberately tries to miscarry a child, or against the doctor whom was administering treatment to the pregnant woman. So as an compromise (for those currently in Congress and the Senate, I have enclosed a link for the definition of “compromise”), the following amendment to the act was made and passed both House and Senate after many years of being stalled due to the sensitivity of the wording.

`(c) Nothing in this section shall be construed to permit the prosecution–

`(1) of any person for conduct relating to an abortion for which the consent of the pregnant woman, or a person authorized by law to act on her behalf, has been obtained or for which such consent is implied by law;

`(2) of any person for any medical treatment of the pregnant woman or her unborn child; or

`(3) of any woman with respect to her unborn child.

So, after reading all that, you now must have an even better understand of where a person’s “Life and Liberty” begins, right? No? Me neither. And yet, advocates and politicians on both sides of the issue will spend a large majority of their time debating this even when there are living, breathing, walking people wandering through their protest signs who are hungry, homeless, or hurting. Empathy may be an innate trait, but we learn where we want our compassion to lie. Picking and choosing are battles is what makes us human, but why aren’t some of these people picking battles they know they can’t win? So instead of choose left or right, pro-choice or pro-life, I’m choosing Pro-Fence.

But I came up with a new name because Pro-Fence sounds like a bad French restaurant or a good male patterned baldness pill…

PRO-BETTER LIFE

While the debate rages if life begins at conception or birth, the Pro-Life and Pro-Choice debate seems to end at when the woman makes her decision to terminate or carry to term. There seems to be no push for legislation beyond this woman’s decision. A true Pro-Life person would be on the side of making a life worth living for the fetus and a true Pro-Choice person would be on the side of education and counseling before, during, and beyond the decision for termination.

Since every area of the country is different, then these choices should be decided on a state level, by the voters. The legislation that is written must include committee members from all sides of the debate. The legislation must be straight-forward and offered as reading material online throughout the writing process and at polling stations the day of the vote. If a state completely outlaws abortion, then the following would be mandated to be offered: