This was the longest movie I’ve watched this month, because it took me 3 days to watch it. Two hours is a long time to listen to emo Brad Pitt. But I did it, for the sake of this project. And I probably won’t even do it again.

I never had any interest in seeing this movie because I was 10 when it was released and also I figured it would be very gory. However, even with several extremely gross scenes, you can’t underestimate the draw power of the HOTTEST guys of the 90s: your Tom Cruise, your Christian Slater, your really skinny Stephen Rea. It was a simple time in the 90s, when colored contacts could make you go blind but Academy Awards don’t win themselves.

The story begins in New Orleans in 1791, where America was so new it had no idea what accent it wanted to have. And therefore Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise followed suit. Tom Cruise plays Lestat, which seems like he should be French, but sounds both Irish and Southern at the same time. I think Brad Pitt just used “smoldering” as his accent throughout the film. It turned into whiny, real quick.

Anyways, Lestat is already a vampire and has been stalking Sad Brad (Louis) for awhile, then decides one night to offer to change him into a vampire. I didn’t realize it until this movie that being a vampire is more like a MLM then a gang. It’s not blood in, blood out. You become a vampire with your maker, then you have to make MORE vampires if you want to become more powerful, but then they ALSO have to make more vampires to perpetuate the cycle. Vampires and Herbalife have more in common than just thirsty white women.

Louis immediately regrets it when he realizes he has to eat people to survive and decides to burn down his house out of rage. I guess it was nice because it set the slaves free, but not smart Baby Vampire Louis. So now Lestat and Louis have to roam from town to town in Louisiana until they find Claudia (Kirsten Dunst), who lost her mother to a plague (they don’t specify which kind). Louis “accidentally” eats her. Lestat decides they should change her so they can be the only gay vampire couple on the block who also adopts a child and makes her wear way too much tulle. They. Are. Monsters.

Claudia tries to kill Lestat which now makes her and Louis fugitives from some invisible law force. I don’t know who they are running from, but they decide to go to Paris, where Lestat was from. We just killed our jerk of a dad; let’s go to his hometown to see if there are others just like him. Still not smart vampires.

Of course, they arrive and meet a group of Rocky Horror cast-offs who formed their own theater troupe. People pay to watch these vampires eat humans alive onstage and no one says anything. The French suck (pardon the pun). Louis thinks they are safe among these vampires who live under the theater, but learn pretty quick they can read his mind and know what he and Claudia did.

The French Vampires kill Claudia (the RIGHT way, with sunlight), and Louis escapes and gets to return to the United States where he is doomed to wander the French Quarter for the rest of eternity, watching as it becomes a tourist trap while they clean up the rats (his only source of food). He decides to go to San Francisco instead, where he agrees to do an interview with Christian Slater about his life.

I can see why this film has been parodied 1000 times over, but it had some good points. The fire scenes in this movie alone should be a Broadway musical number. I didn’t know Arson Acrobatics was a thing, but they made it one. It was honestly the only part I enjoyed in between Brad Pitt’s crying about being immortal. And I guess Brad Pitt took revenge on this movie, by becoming immortal.

This is going to be a “lazy” post because it’s virtually impossible to binge watch this show due to my full time job as a human with an intact front lobe. However, I’d like to talk about my most A-HA moment…I KNOW this source material! I have officially watched enough horror movies to recognize this plot right away and oh boy, does it make my Halloween-loving husband proud.

I found online that this is the 35th adaptation of The Turn of the Screw, which officially makes the plot the It’s A Wonderful Life of Horror Movies. And you must retell it every few years or Henry James’ ghost comes back and murders you with meat. I don’t make the rules, I just make them up and pass them along.

If you don’t know that story, or don’t know what I’m talking about, you can reread my review of The Innocents. And even though the first episode of Bly Manor is creepy, I don’t think it compares to the humming children of the other film. And the turtle. Poor turtle….

However, I’ll give it a chance. The Haunting of Hill House (the first season of the Netflix horror anthology) was actually an amazing show and I was really glad I stocked up on boxed wine and watched it two years ago. The writing, acting, and directing was so well done. So well done, that Netflix just decided to move the set (actors, wigs, dusty furniture, and all) from the American suburbs in the late 90s to the English countryside in the mid 1980s.

I basically think anything that could have been said about the first episode was already said on the internets. There’s no way I could possibly compete with the thousands of out-of-work writers who have been alone for months and decide to indulge in spooky things and high spirited cocktails. So go click on their reviews, which probably offer a lot more commentary than my “well this scene SOUNDED important, but British children scare me so I watched it through my fingers.”

The “ghosts” are silly jump scares in the first few scenes, but once the viewer knows that they are ALWAYS going to show it up, it makes it like a Where’s Waldo? of demons. *Full disclosure, I’ve only watched the first episode. The next few episodes could explain it all away with bad prawns and shoddy electrical wiring.

I plan on finishing this before December 1 so I can jump right into that holiday season and all those scary movies. White Christmas was a warning on global warming and none of us listened.

Natalie Dormer is one of those actors that I always write off because I’m not sure if she is a good actress or just British. It’s a fine line. However, in this film she has to use an American accent and a DIFFERENT American accent because she is playing her own twin. So be warned: the “good twin” annunciated way too much and the “bad twin” has vocal fry. So that’s how you tell the difference.

This movie also has Taylor Kinney who I can confirm is not a good actor, but every horror movie needs a handsome person who smiles too much, right? Like way too much. He’s kind of creepy. Wait…maybe he IS a good actor. Or he’s NOT acting. Dangit.

Anyways, this plot involves the good twin, Sara, getting a call that her sister has been lost in a Japanese forest and no one has found her body. Sara, using her “twin-sense” knows that although her sister (Jess), is a sad individual, she is still alive and just missing. Sara hops on a plane and heads to Japan to go on a very fucked-up forest bathing session. Not all trees are good.

This movie is an “American” introduction to the Aokigahara Forest, if you haven’t read up recently on your foreign suicide sites. The stories surrounding this area are extremely sad and heartbreaing. Folklore indicates the forest might be full of demons, or more scientifically, a very high mineral content in the trees/water/soil. I don’t know much about iron deposits, but I can’t imagine it’s good for one’s body if you spend too much time around it. And also it fucks up compasses and electronics, according to this movie. I don’t know if that’s true, but I also don’t know how Taylor Kinney keeps getting jobs. Mysteries exist.

Sara finally makes it to an inn right near the forest and finds out you can’t just wander into the forest alone looking for your missing twin, no matter how strong your “twin-sense” is. She meets Aiden (Taylor Kinney) who promises to help her as long as he can do a story about her. He’s a “travel journalist.” To put her at ease, he invites along Michi, a local guide who’s job it is to go into the forest and find the bodies so the authorities can retrieve them.

Michi explains about the forest’s history and why it’s important to remain on the trail and not stay after dark. He also warns Sara that the voices and visions she may encounter are not real and should be ignored. He is hesitant about bringing her anywhere, because she’s very sad. Imagine if your Uber driver did this when he picked you up: Nope, too sad. Out my car, don’t need your negative vibes bringing down my rating.

Michi reluctantly agrees though, probably so he doesn’t have to go looking for this white girl’s body in a couple days. It’s probably a lot of extra paperwork when it’s a foreigner. And he is absolutely right to go with her because Sara is possibly the WORST person to bring on a hike. Her clothes look like she’s going to Target instead of nature. She brings no water or food, no flashlight. She doesn’t bring anything useful, not even a first aid kit. I have a first aid kit with me all the time, and I only go to Target and Trader Joe’s. Shit happens.

OF COURSE, of course she finds her sister’s empty tent and wants to stay in the woods. Aiden says sure why not. Michi is like, nope. Enjoy your tree demons, I’m out. See you in the morning. Obviously we are now in the territory that travelers’ insurance will not cover, but Sara is stubborn and refuses to leave the forest without her sister. As the night and next morning go on, you realize that Jess is the “bad twin” because she witnessed the deaths of her parents by murder-suicide, and Sara did not. Aiden may or may not be using this against her to get her to go further into the forest. I can’t tell if Aiden is smart or lucky. Either way, Sara was dumb to go on this journey with him just because he is white and smiles a lot.

Sara starts to see and hear the visions Michi warned her about, but only chooses to ignore some of them. She eagerly invites in the demons who may look friendly but are somehow bilingual. Which is good, because Sara didn’t try to learn any Japanese even though her sister has been working in Japan for years and she kept promising to visit. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. Iron-induced hallucinations are also 20/20.

The jump scares and hallucinations are possibly the worst part of this movie and the ending is so sad. I don’t know why horror movies need to be so sad. I also wish they made up a different name for the forest. Granted it wasn’t filmed there (it was filmed in Serbia, which I’m sure has it’s own cache of demons, as any landlocked country would), but the tourism that surrounds death sites always boggles my mind. I understand the need to learn about the culture in Japan, but this movie just made me feel gross at the end. I can only hope it doesn’t inspire someone to go find this place just for the ‘Gram. And I can only hope no one ever, ever goes on a nature hike with Taylor Kinney.

At some point, Netflix is going to release an Adam Sandler movie that explains how Adam Sandler got an insanely lucky contract to do infinite Netflix movies. Now don’t get me wrong, they aren’t the worst, but at some point they are just going to be different versions of the same movie: Adam Sandler does a silly voice for 90 minutes but makes sure all his friends have jobs. So I guess the luckiest person isn’t Adam Sandler; it’s an Adam Sandler friend.

Anyways, this movie was cute enough for a “family” Halloween film. It combines the subtle slapstick comedy with a lingering touch of “are we SURE this isn’t insensitive to the mentally ill?”

If you have to wonder, it is. But in the end, the film is pretty sweet and the cameos are fun. The plot involves lonely, well-meaning resident of Salem (Hubie-played by Sandler) and the rest of the citizens who are absolutely terrible to him. Hubie wants everyone to be safe and wants to love Halloween but hates pranks, scary things, and the dark side of people. Basically anything that Halloween involves. I identify with this part.

When strange things start to happen in town (beyond the normal Halloween things), Hubie is on a mission to find out what is going on. He suspects the supernatural at first, but also knows there is an escaped mental hospital patient on the loose.

Since everyone in town hates him, he doesn’t get much help except from his old high school crush played by Julie Bowen. It’s a lot of site gags and fun scenes but nothing too scary. Mainly because Hubie reacts and gets scared before the audience can. Which is actually a genius move to make the film “family friendly.” And “Kate-friendly” since I’m still trying to wash out Last House on the Left from my conscious.

Since it’s still spooky season and this is a brand new movie, I’m not going to give away the ending, but it’s a reminder that June Squibb is an absolute legend and has replaced Betty White in my heart for older women who are amazing at comedy.

Serious question: are you prepared to see beloved stage and screen actor Patrick Stewart as a murderous American Nazi? Because if you aren’t, I highly recommend finding another way to ruin the memories of your formative years.

The eeriest part of this movie when I was watching it, I could totally see this happening. The last five years don’t make me surprised at all that Nazis exist, floating among us, and have access to copious amounts of guns, land, vicious dogs, and red shoelaces.

The plot begins with a punk band looking for gigs and getting desperate. A small time music journalist decides to help them out and contacts his cousin in the woods outside of Portland, Oregon. His cousin offers the band a small gig with no real details and they happily jumps on it, even though the address is at a bunker in the middle of the woods. Artists can’t judge. Maybe it’s just a commune that appreciates yelling.

Obviously it’s not. The band performs and realizes the audience has far more swastika neck tattoos then they are comfortable with and they try to get their things, their payment, and get out of there. Unfortunately, they happen to see a murder. These Nazis don’t play, and decide to hold the entire band hostage while they launch their Operation: Cover Up to make sure anyone who finds dead bodies can’t trace it back to the Nazi band camp.

This cover up involves no guns, and leaving no evidence. These Nazis are GOD awful at both. If you let a dog attack a body, they’re going to leave some evidence. Ya can’t blame everything on Bigfoot, you insane Hill Hitler scum. Nevertheless, the Nazi who is the least Nazi-ish decides to help the band. He gets blown away (even though there was a no gun rule) and then the members of the band get it with pretty significant gory injuries. Mostly fatal. Definitely ew.

Patrick Stewart is the owner of the Nazi No-Gun Gun Club and the creepily calm leader behind the cover up. He puts the next least Nazi-ish guy in charge who finally gains some compassion when it’s down to the last two people alive. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like the rules, or he has a change of heart, or he realizes Nazis don’t offer good dental. Whatever the reason, he helps the two remaining people escape, but not without first taking out a few more Nazis in the process.

This should seem like a feel good movie because more Nazis get killed than non-Nazis, but it just made me feel gross. Like there would be a news report at the end denying that Nazis exist in the woods outside Portland, as if white supremacy doesn’t love nature too. They can’t all be in mom’s basement! The Green Room could refer to nature too. It doesn’t, but it’s funny to think of Nazis just screaming at their TV in their double-wide, in the middle of nowhere, next to alpaca farms that do goat yoga on the weekends and grow hemp for local farmer’s markets.

You have to appreciate directors who put their name claiming a movie. If you’re going to own something that involves the crazy of James Woods and the unpredictability of a Baldwin brother, might as well go all in. Which is what I assume John Carpenter was doing with this one. According to the internet, this movie was his swan song if he didn’t have fun making it. I wish I could start every day of my job that way: if this isn’t a friggin blast, I swear to god I am OUT. Pension. Be. Damned.

Luckily (?) this success of this movie allowed us to have 29 more Halloween reboots. And I guess I can’t blame it. It is sort of fun. The idea of a Western combined with vampires is new. However I’m not sure if they meant it, but the opening scene is more like Waco then OK Corral.

The movie starts with you just assuming the people with the tanks, the weapons, and the chain-smoking priest are the good guys. These vampire hunters (led by James Woods and his inside-sunglasses) take out a “nest” which is the vampire word for “shitty hostel.” During the raid, some of the hunters get slaughtered, but all for the good of the Catholic church and continued use of powerful and ridiculous weapons.

So the next scene is as one would expect after a raid, even though James Woods (he has a character name, but I don’t care) is still worried they haven’t caught the leader of the nest. So he grabs a hooker to dull his worries and lets the rest of the team party it up in an insanely large motel suite with prostitutes, booze, coke, and priests.

Of course the leader vampire (Valek) finds them and destroys the entire party very gruesomely. James Woods just happened to be out of the way and comes back to find a Baldwin brother still alive and the hooker on her way to vampire transformation. This trio is now tasked with finding what is up with this extra nasty Valek, so they go talk to James Woods’ boss: another priest.

It doesn’t take long for them to figure out what Valek wants (which is what we all want right now): to walk freely in the daylight. Listen pal, the sun isn’t my friend either, but I don’t go around splitting humans in half because of it. You own the night. It’s yours. Have fun. Take after John Carpenter and name it after yourself. Leave the daylight to boring humans.

But I guess after a few millenia, some immortals are bound to get bored and greedy. So Valek and a bunch of extra-strength vampires take over a small town that looks straight out of a bad theme parks “Western World” and nest in the jail. James Woods and Baldwin brother (who was bitten by the almost-vampire hooker) find them and go to work destroying who they can. The “twist” is that the priests were involved in it all along because they were promised money and power.

Towards the end of the movie, I was bored with the obvious ad-lib and constant gruesome scenes with these 90’s vampires. I can’t tell if I am becoming desensitized to the violence or the special effects were just ridiculous. I also am looking at James Woods the whole time and thinking, in about 20 years you are going to get banned from the internet every few months for being a massive dick. Maybe you should go out walking in the daylight. I’m sure you already have your sunglasses on.

At first, I was going to watch this film and then the remake from 2009 and be all “scholarly” and compare and contrast them, with a comment on how the more society changes, the more it stays the same. And then I realized, I’m a fucking idiot. Now, eventually I may watch the remake, but NOT TODAY.

Holy crap.

Okay, let’s start with the fact that Wes Craven is the “Master of Horror” which I assume was the nickname given to him by his first grade teacher because there is no way this sick stuff just pops into the head of a mentally fit 33 year old. Jesus probably saw less horrors in the desert with the devil than Wes Craven saw in his coffee swirls.

Anyways, I knew this was a slasher film, as all Wes Craven movies are, but I didn’t realize it WASN’T a satire (like the Scream franchise). I had previously chatted about The Hills Have Eyes but thought even that was a tongue-in-cheek, over-the-top comment on the genre. Instead I was in for a whirlwind 84 minutes of gruesome terror with this roller coaster.

First off, most of the movie doesn’t even take place in a house, so there goes your trust in the filmmakers to take you on a lovely ride down a Connecticut dead end road. Instead, it’s a lot of woods. 13 acres according to the film poster, but I don’t remember that number being mentioned in the film. Perhaps it’s in the deleted scenes along with my interrupted sleep cycles.

A teenager (Mari) and her friend from the “bad part of the city,” Phyllis, head into Manhattan to see a concert. On the way, they decide to buy weed off a random stranger standing on his stoop. I love the 70’s. You see someone just standing there, think “they look like they are high,” and then casually ask if they are a dealer. If they look like they are high, kids, they DON’T have any extra. I promise. Go get a medical marijuana script like normal people.

However, the audience knows he’s not just some random guy, because while the girls are taking their jaunt into the city, the film parallels with news reports of two criminals violently escaping from prison with the help of a girlfriend and the (worse?) criminal’s son. All four are psychotic, but the convicts are sadists as well. In a move seen coming from 1000 After-School Specials away, the two teens are kidnapped and raped in the apartment.

The next morning, this vile troupe isn’t done with these two girls, so they toss them in the trunk of their car and decide to drive up to Connecticut to escape the police. In a coincidence that increases the terror, their car somehow breaks down on Mari’s family’s property. WHILE the cops are inside the house chatting with the parents’ about their missing teenager.

I’ll just ramble through the next 40 minutes because it was very disturbing and I’d rather not think about the mise-en-scène or the soundtrack (which is sung by one of the actors who plays the criminal). Anyways, both girls end up dead, and the four low-lifes decide to hide out in the nearby home (which of course is the home of Mari’s parents). The parents eagerly let them in, even while they know their teenager is missing. I’m sorry, if my kid was missing and Oprah, Beyonce, and the ghost of Mr. Rogers came to my door, I’m not fucking inviting them in for dinner and a warm bed for the night.

They start to suspect that these people are dope fiends (the father is a doctor who just HAPPENS to specialize in addiction), which IS correct. The son of the escaped convict (Junior), is addicted to heroin. So he’s the weak link that makes this whole chain of events come crashing down. They overhear the criminals talking about where the daughter’s body is, so once they confirm that yes, the daughter is dead, they don’t call the police. No, instead they hatch a plan to torture the criminals through sex acts and Home Alone style booby traps.

I read up on what is was like to make this film, and how the actresses were absolutely terrified the entire time, and also it was banned in Australia until about 2000. Wes Craven originally wanted people to think they were going to see a snuff film dramatization. Which….could be a genre? I don’t know. Wes Craven may be dead, but he’s haunting my nightmares still. Oh damnit, that’s one of his movies too.

When I first went on this ride in Disneyland, I was a little nervous about jump scares but I was absolutely fascinated by the practical and special effects used throughout. I didn’t know much about the lore or even remember the story line. So I figured this movie that is based on the ride would be a bunch of terrible CGI and Eddie Murphy just running around the house and screaming while inanimate objects trip him. The most shocking thing about this movie is that Eddie Murphy only plays one character.

The plot though involves one of my favorite questions: What do real estate agents do when they have a haunted house on the market? This movie doesn’t really answer that question, but I’m very curious what happens in real life. Do they tell the buyers? Do they tell the bank? Do they try to sage the house and call it mold mitigation. I need to know both the laws and what is in the secret blood moon oath that realtors take.

Anyway, I wanted to have a “child friendly” film in my list this month so I could safely watch it after dark. I know it’s been 17 years since this movie came out, but I would not feel comfortable bringing anyone under the age of 10 to see this. Granted, I’m not brave like most 10 year olds, so maybe they could handle it better than me. But some of the scenes involve some violent and dark imagery.

I can see why this film isn’t as beloved as the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. For one, it doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be. Pirates was strictly, “yeah we are murderous, drunken bastards who kidnap women and don’t believe in oral hygiene. We’d be R (pirate joke) if Disney wasn’t full of wet blankets.”

But Mansion was a little bit more “silly” while trying to remain true to the source material, which has been updated throughout the years. I’ve only been on the ride twice, so I’m sure there is someone with more Disney experience that could explain it better. However, I remember it being a “black widow” situation where a money hungry woman kills all her husbands. There’s also a gypsy woman inside a crystal ball. Don’t know how she got there, but her lack of appendages means other people have to do her bidding for her.

In this film, Eddie Murphy and his wife are successful real estate agents in Louisiana (assuming close to New Orleans), but Eddie (Jim Evers) is much more of a workaholic and it’s starting to affect his family. The wife (Sara) gets a call about a mysterious property that the owners want to put on the market. Jim overhears and never wanting to pass up an opportunity (even for a family vacation), convinces Sara they can go take a look on their way out of town (“20 minutes tops” is their running family joke). Sara reluctantly agrees and their two kids come along for the ride.

When they arrive they are greeted by the butler Ramsley (played so well by Terence Stamp) who introduces them to the master of the house, Gracey who you can tell is obsessed with Sara. Obviously everyone in the house is a ghost, you just don’t know why they are stuck there until the gypsy lady’s head send the family on a scavenger hunt. Turns out Sara looks exactly like Gracey’s fiance who killed herself, which caused Gracey to also kill himself out of grief.

After fighting off annoying poltergeists in the house and a crypt teeming with zombie corpses, the truth is revealed that Ramsley was the one who poisoned Gracey’s fiance because he believed that the marriage would have brought ruin on the family. They don’t mention it specifically, but interracial marriage in 1900’s Louisiana probably wasn’t just frowned upon.

Once the truth comes out, Ramsley is dragged to hell by a fire demon (this is dark). Gracey, his fiance, and the remaining house staff and dead relatives are released to heaven. And the Ever’s family gains the deed to a house that hasn’t been updated in 100 years. I can’t even imagine the taxes on this much real estate in New Orleans. And the mold mitigation alone is going to be a fortune. They live on a damn swamp.

So until the theme parks fully reopen and we are allowed to touch strangers again, this movie might be able to carry you through. Disney doesn’t want you to forget they exist, even if Disneyland is an entire Haunted Mansion right now. Shuttered theme parks have their own creepiness. I can’t imagine what it looks like in there right now. Someone should probably make that movie soon: PandeMICKEY MOUSE (please don’t sue me, Disney)

I’m not sure why, but I love the story of the Bell Witch. The fact that American folklore starts with a lady who lives in a cave getting mad at people who slighted her is just so patriotic. Tennessee wasn’t exactly teeming with opportunities in the 1810’s, so you got to admire the perseverance of one entity to make a family feel terrified for years. Commitment to the opportunities at hand is the benchmark of success.

This movie, much to my disappointment, is not about the Bell Witch. The names and location are the same, but the story is very different, and in a way more disturbing.

The film starts in modern day, with a teenage girl waking up terrified from dream of her running through the woods being chased by an invisible entity. Her mother dismisses it, and scolds her daughter for going into the attic of her own house (the mother is an alcoholic, but that seems to be washed over). This is to establish the fact that the world never believes teenage girls. I kept expecting the story to go back and forth between modern day and the 1800’s but it never happens. Which is a very impressive story-telling technique, because you keep trying to parallel the stories in your brain.

We switch to the 1810’s where the entertainment people benefited most from was binging local church court proceedings. I get it. It always seems to be cold in the mountains of Tennessee and there isn’t much else to do. Might as well mosey over to the court house to see who’s around to call a witch.

In this case, it’s John Bell Sr. versus a neighbor, Kate Batts. Kate says John gave her a loan and also cut down her trees. Environmental destruction aside, the church accuses John Bell Sr. of usury since he was charging her 20%. John sounds like Sallie Mae, so already I don’t like this dude. Kate is pissed the church let John go with “loss of honor” and let’s him know. Kate, of course, is rumored to dabble in witchcraft, so of course she’s suspect number one when strange things start happening soon after.

Very quickly, the Bell’s teenage daughter, Betsy, starts to be assaulted violently by a spirit. A large black wolf-dog begins to prowl the property. A local drunk tries to read from the Bible to protect the family (it backfires; he doesn’t know what he’s doing). The father starts to become ill and loses his vision.

The suspicion that all of this is caused by Kate Batts is amplified when she has her slave drop off some “laundry” she found in the woods. The laundry is the clothes of Betsy and John Bell Sr. covered in blood. The Bell’s slaves warn them that once a witch puts blood on your clothes, you are marked for death. Technically with the alcoholism and Appalachian winters in the early 1800’s, everyone is marked for death. Weak prophesy. Do better.

The Bell mother, played by Sissy Spacek, is scared for her family but not very helpful. In this very unrealistically large house, there are at least four or five bedrooms. Maybe don’t let your daughter keep sleeping in the one that drags her across the floor every night. But I can’t judge moms, especially when a poltergeist is present. She’s busy. She has three other kids, including a son who keeps accidentally shooting at the house. She is also busy trying to play matchmaker with her teenage daughter Betsy, and her much older schoolteacher. Which goes to prove that Tennessee was always a little fucked up.

The movie is PG-13, which is good, because there’s nothing gory in this film at all. However, the ending is extremely disturbing if you don’t see it coming (I did, but it didn’t make it any less messed up). And technically there are two endings, which doubles down on the disturbing factor.

This film is one of those where I imagine there are loads of footage on the cutting room floor that tells a better story, especially since it is based on a novel. Not that I will go looking for those deleted scenes or the book. I’m interested, but not “send myself down a rabbit hole of damaging, nightmare inducing scenes” interested. I have enough to worry about. Like making sure Tennessee isn’t still letting children marry their teachers.

This movie.

Okay.

OHHH-kay. This involves a LOT. There’s aliens. Demons. Murder drones. Witchcraft. Time travel or perhaps other dimensions. Unnecessary shots of boobs (it is a horror film from the 70’s after all). Torture. Sorcery, maybe? Folk music, definitely. For the entire movie, I was trying to wrap my head around the previous scene just as another was sneaking up on me.

I should preface by saying there are a half-dozen sequels to this fun house nightmare, so I applaud the producers for keeps these actors and crew employed for several decades. There’s no corporation in America that can promise the longevity of employment as much as a D-horror movie franchise can. Looking at you, Sharknado.

Anyway, back to this mind-fuck. The “plot summary” on Amazon Prime was that a teenage boy and his friends go after a grave robbing undertaker. That is absolutely NOT the fucking plot. First of all, this kid doesn’t even have friends. He has his older brother and his brother’s….best friend, maybe? The teenager (Mike) and his brother (Jody) recently lost their parents, and the older brother is constantly threatening to skip town and drop the kid off with an aunt or something. And then wonders WHY Mike has terrible separation anxiety and follows him everywhere, including to a graveyard to watch him have sex with a girl he picks up at a bar.

Sex in the graveyard seems to piss off the undertaker who runs the funeral home on the property. It must be really tough to monitor a graveyard. You have kids and their vandalism. You have adults who for some reason like having sex next to dead bodies. You have witches who want to conjure of the dead. You have joggers and historians. Just non-stop traffic. Exhausting. No wonder the undertaker (known as the non-clever name The Tall Man) tries to kidnap these people for his zombie slave alien invasion.

Mike tries to visit a local witch to get some info on what could be happening. She is absolutely no help in dealing with the supernatural, but offers solid advice from a psychiatric setting: fear is only painful if you let it control you. Which is pretty deep for a witch in Oregon in the 1970s. But she’s not really good at being a witch either, which is evident by the fact that she let’s her granddaughter go check out the mausoleum on her own.

Everyone in town is clueless to the fact that the only funeral home director around is creepy AF. So Mike, Jody, and Jody’s best friend Reggie decide to take matters into their own hands and find out what is really going on and if they, learned members of society that they are, can fix it.

Spoiler alert, they can’t. Because none of it is real. It’s all supposedly a dream in Mike’s head while he tries to process the death of his parents and Jody (who died in a separate accident). He wakes up next to a very romantic fire with Reggie lying beside him. Thankfully, they are both fully clothed, but if one of the sequel involves they getting together, I assume it’s only because the Tall Man found them in the graveyard.