2015

This is one of those Christmas movies that’s not really a Christmas movie, but could be a Christmas movie for the right person. Like Gremlins. Or Die Hard.

The film opens with humanity at their worst: a department store during the Christmas season. Even the children fighting, which is a nice way for the filmmaker to introduce us to the main family. The terrible, terrible family. The family returns home, still yelling at each other, to find the Austrian grandmother in the kitchen baking up quite the Martha Stewart-esque spread. You can tell the grandma (Omi) is already sick of their holiday season shenanigans. Or whatever the German word is for shenanigans. I’m sure there is one.

The son, Max, still wants to believe in Santa Claus and all good things about Christmas, and that his family isn’t all terrible. But those thoughts are quickly squashed when the extended family shows up and exhibits the worst part of themselves: whining, gluttony, alcoholism, child neglect, and more whining. In a final attempt to save his own humanity, Max tries to mail a letter to Santa, but in the end, just rips it up and throws it out the window.

This somehow causes a giant electrical snow storm to descend over the entire neighborhood. The snow and wind are at Day After Tomorrow levels of bad, and the power goes out almost immediately. The family is now trapped in the nice suburban home indefinitely. That’s when Max notices that someone built a snowman in their front yard, which is terrifying. Especially since they know all of their neighbors are out of town. Who, or what, would brave the elements just to build a creepy snowman. This is either the best prank ever, or the most dangerous one.

After Max’s sister, Sarah, doesn’t return from her boyfriend’s house, the dad and uncle decide to go find her out in the tundra. They don’t find her, but they find what has been making the noises on the roof: some sort of monster with terrifying minions throughout the entire neighborhood.

They return to the house and Grandma decides to tell them all the story of the Krampus, and how she accidentally invited it to earth once, and has never forgotten it. I have a feeling there were tons of other things Omi wanted to forget about Austria from her childhood. A demonic St. Nick sounds like the least of their problems in post-war Europe. Nevertheless, it is here, and it is about to wreak some havoc on this terrible family.

It starts to pick them off one by one, until they believe their only way out is to go out into this atomic winter, find a plow truck, and drive it into town. Seems like a solid plan, except they all seem to forget this monster already destroyed their Hummer and is parkour-ing around the neighbors rooftops like it is competing for Ninja Warrior, and the prize is a free trip back to hell.

Finally, the only one left is Max. He makes it back to his house, where apparently his front yard is now the runway for the Krampus and his sleigh of evil minions. The monster has all the family now so Max tells him he takes back his wish and throws the Krampus bell. This opens up the fiery pit to hell that exists under all suburban developments. He first begs the Krampus to stop all this, and then begs him to take him in the place of his family. Krampus don’t care (and also might not speak English), so he pushes Max into the open pit.

It’s a bit disturbing to watch a movie where ALL the children are killed, even the baby. And this isn’t even a foreign movie. It’s an American interpretation of what would happen if children were actually punished for losing the Christmas spirit. In some of the original folklore, people are tortured and forced to change religions. That sounds a little more like Europe when the grandma was growing up. But I could totally understand why a child made up the image of a monster who ate her parents, and not the idea that starvation and lack of stable infrastructure had anything to do with it.

Anyways, Happy Holidays everyone! Protect your Christmas Spirit with the fire of 1000 suns!

2016

I love Pride and Prejudice. And so apparently does everyone else. There’s so many adaptations of this story, it’s almost cliche to be that cliche. There’s even a movie ABOUT reading Pride and Prejudice. It’s probably on the same level as A Christmas Carol, but maybe with less Hallmark movies. Although who knows, there’s two months of films about to be introduced this year.

The movie follows the original book almost to the letter, except every once in a while, the characters have to fight zombies. The zombies exist in this world (possibly caused by a French plague–fucking French), and instead of teaching his daughters just normal society hobbies, Mr. Bennett also makes sure they are skilled in the Japanese art of “zombie killing.” So very progressive of him.

Despite the undead walking among them, it doesn’t stop high society from throwing parties, marrying off their daughters, and gossiping as if their lives depend on it. The Bennett girls try to navigate the world, being a lot smarter than most of the people around them. Even the ones who aren’t losing their brains and faces.

Elizabeth Bennett is the main character who constantly crosses paths with Mr. Darcy, who is a zombie investigator. He uses flies to determine if a person is undead, just not showing symptoms. He’s still extremely socially awkward and constantly insults Elizabeth and her family. Unless, he does it on purpose and this was an early form of negging….Hmm, Jane Austen, did you predict the future of courtship?

While Lizzie and Darcy dance around their sexual frustration (as I assume every one is this time period did), her older sister Jane is in the process of getting wooed by Darcy’s best friend, and her younger sister is getting wooed by Darcy’s sworn enemy. And the Bennett’s cousin is trying just to get with whomever will have him. Inside or outside the family. England can’t be that small, but I guess a zombie plague kind of limits the available suitors.

If you’ve read either the book or seen Bridget Jonses’ Diary, then you know how this will end. However getting to end is a fun trip, because it is hilarious to see how Georgian-era women would fight while keeping their empire waist dresses intact.

This movie didn’t get good reviews or make a ton of money, probably because of how long it had been in production before getting bounced around with different lead actors and directors. Unfortunately, when a project is an orphan for so long, it often gets either hyped into oblivion, or people forget about it. When the book was written, the world was at the height of the zombie craze, but now it almost seems cliche. Almost as cliche as another Pride and Prejudice reboot. Almost.

2014

A single mom in Australia has a 7 year old son, Sam, who is very concerned with magic and monster hunting. He also likes making and accumulating weapons to fight them, which includes a crossbow and catapult. Now, I fully understand the legend that everything in Australia is trying to kill you, but where the hell did this kid get a crossbow? And if he made it, get that kid to engineering school. Don’t punish him.

The kid is also very needy, because he knows his dad died driving his mom to the hospital when she was giving birth to Sam. He keeps making his mom promise him that she won’t die. If my kid ever said this to me, I’d be freaked out for a week. Sam is also the “weird kid” at school and even in his family. His aunt says she doesn’t want to baby-sit him anymore since he creeps her out, and won’t even let him have a joint birthday party with his cousin. I feel bad for this kid, especially when he bring his mom a book to read and inadvertently ends up inviting a demon into the house. Whoops.

The book is titled The Babadook and it features creepy cartoons that would make Tim Burton shudder. The book doesn’t really have an ending, more like a warning. The mom tears up the book, but it makes it back to her somehow. As her son continues to act more like a possessed child (more than usual, I presume) she decides to burn the book. This doesn’t help with anything, and as her insomnia gets worse, so do the noises in the house. She herself becomes possessed and starts treating her child like an annoying bug that must be crushed.

This of course bring about social services. Two agents are sent to her house to investigate and basically just discover that her taste in interior decorating may be contributing to this kids depression. And the fact that she can’t get over her dead husband and basically blames his death on her child. Social services don’t think that this 7-year postpartum depression is enough to take away the kid, which makes me think social services in Australia is just as underfunded as it is here. AustrailAmerica 4 Life!

As the movie goes on, the mom gets even crazier, as does her hair. Seriously, you can follow the level of possession by how bird’s nest-y her hair looks. I assume demons don’t own combs. She gets to the point where she almost murders her son in his sleep a few times. The kid is still relatively sane, and decides that his mom needs to be tied up in the basement until this thing passes. Unfortunately, not before she kills their puppy and pulls out her own tooth. This Babadook is another level.

While chained in the basement, she sees images of her dead husband and is finally bounced back to reality. Momma bear instincts finally come out and she roars back at the evilness, confining him to a small corner of her basement. And that’s pretty much it. They now have a pet Babadook that they feed worms to everyday. Australians, maybe everything is trying to kill you because you try to make everything a pet. Stop doing that. Get a hamster.

1973

An old English man buys a rumored haunted mansion (on purpose) and hires a team of investigators (scientists and mediums) to see if the mansion is really haunted. He wants the findings in a week. It’s December 17. This old man is a dick.

The first person he hires is a physicist (Dr. Barrett) who tries to get his wife to stay home this time, since any other team who’s gone in has died or went insane. Except one dude (Fischer) they want to bring with them. Apparently they have no sympathy for PTSD in the paranormal societies of 1970s England. They also bring a young medium (Miss Tanner) who is played by the same actress who was a little girl in The Innocents. I already hate her.

They are left at the haunted mansion and told by the valet he will be back to get them on Christmas Eve afternoon. The valet also stocked the house with food and made up the beds. However, the electricity is spotty, the windows are boarded up, and the house smells terrible. Oh yeah, and the house talks to people and makes sure they don’t make it out of the front door with both their limbs and brain intact. Happy Christmas, everyone!

As soon as they arrive, the team starts to experience activity. Miss Tanner immediately disappears and at this point she’s gotten on my nerves so much, I hope the house ate her. It doesn’t unfortunately. At least not right away.

The team finds out the person who built the house, Belasco, was the bastard child of a British whore and an American munitions maker. He made up for his circumstances of birth by spending his entire life doing a fuckton of drugs, having lots of orgies, and basically any other depraved hobby you could possibly imagine. They didn’t mention bestiality, but that could just be the team trying to be polite and proper. They also call ghosts “surviving personalities,” which is so British. When the authorities finally made it to the house in 1929, all 27 people in the house were dead and Belasco couldn’t be found anywhere.

They do a “sitting” immediately, which is like “parking,” but invites in less evil and involves more ghost rape. The spirit’s voice starts talking through Miss Tanner and tells them to get out or it will hurt them. She’s all like, oh my, that’s never happened anymore. She calls him a “clever” spirit and applauds his playfulness. So British.

The house continues to try to maim and murder the team. First it gets into their heads and changes their personalities. Then it tries to get them to all have sex with each other. Then it tries to make them irrational and angry. Then it sics a black cat on them. It works for a bit, until the group figures out that there is only one spirit in the house, and he’s pretending to be multiple spirits to get the group to believe there is a giant, ongoing evil party in the afterlife. Which I suppose could be cool, if it wasn’t hosted by a megalomaniac who is so afraid of people finding out how short he is, that he actually cut off his legs and got prosthetics to appear taller. And you thought Trump had issues.

Miss Tanner is now thoroughly obsessed with the house, and the ghost. She even lets the ghost have sex with her and knock her around her room. She screams at the other members when they tell her she needs to calm the fuck down. She also is able to get Belasco’s spirit to destroy the dining room, while they are trying to enjoy a nice Cornish game hen dinner. So British.

The only way to save all of them and the house is by using Dr. Barrett’s giant super computer that is programmed to “de-energize” the house. Which is ridiculous. How did no scientist proofread this book and was like, “Uhhh…you can’t just kill energy. That’s not a thing.” It’s doubtful it will work, until it actually does. Sort of.

Tanner tries to smash the machine but ends up getting knocked out. She then goes to the chapel, because she hasn’t experienced enough abuse from her ghost boyfriend, who then crashes a giant crucifix on her. Bye.

The de-energizing process commences and the entire house is cleared, except for the chapel where Tanner’s body is still bleeding and eventually is joined by Dr. Barrett who foolishly thought his machine worked correctly. The only people left are Fischer and Barrett’s wife, who are definitely going to need therapy after this. Fischer is the one who figures out that Belasco’s spirit just needed to be called on his bullshit, and that he is just a midget with mommy issues, just like the rest of us.

They find Belasco’s preserved body behind the chapel in a lead lined room. To rid the world of this orgy-holding spirit once and for all, they bring the giant anti-ghost machine into the crypt and set the phasers to “stun” or whatever mumbo-jumbo psuedo-science they are employing. They leave the house and go collect their money, which they conveniently only have to split two ways now. This must be nice for Mrs. Barrett since her husband probably sunk all their savings into that machine and they haven’t taken a proper holiday in years that didn’t involve “surviving personalities.”

1988

I still will never understand how actors who were 24 in the 1980s played teenagers, but still look like they are 38. Also, when did we stop saying “go parking”? Eventually right? Because literally no one in my life has ever started a story with “So we were going parking…” but at least 43% of these movies have that line. Anyway, on to something we can all be scared of: Killer Klowns. In this case, these Klowns are aliens who both visit earth and appreciate alliteration.

The Klowns land in the middle of a field near a small college town. It doesn’t take long before they start terrorizing the town and the only people who can stop them are a couple, Mike and Debbie, who witnessed the landing, and a young cop, Dave (who is also Debbie’s ex) that may or may not be in love with Mike. Like serious homosexual undertones throughout this entire film.

They also get help from Mike’s horndog idiot friends, Rich and Paul, who drive an ice cream truck in town with a giant clown head on the roof. They may be the dumbest people I’ve ever seen in a horror movie. And I yelled at the TV a lot this month.

The Klowns get more crafty and eventually run out of townspeople to eat, so they go after Debbie and put her in a large rubber ball. I’m assuming they want to save her for either eating later, or mating with. Which is the most terrifying part of this movie. Although I’m sure it is a fetish for someone out there, you sick weirdos. The guys all work together to save Debbie and try to get out of there before the ship takes off. Because I guess the Klowns are done and have reservations on another planet? There’s no real explanation as to why they were traveling the galaxy, so I guess we just have to wait until 2018 for the exposition part of this movie.

I can see why this is a cult classic. It has the acting of a local car ad combined with the ridiculous costumes and sets. Honestly, I’ve been in musicals performed out of someone’s garage that had more more production value than this movie. Even though the Klowns are now dead, I believe they exacted their final revenge in the worst way possible: by raining down glitter. Nooooooo!!!

2010

I feel bad for the bleary-eyed parent who chose this title from On-Demand for their kids, then walked out of the room. It’s slightly unfortunate that the titles are the same and are two very different things. The Frozen with the singing snowman is actually more realistic.

The premise is that three college students (three idiotic, annoying, asshole college students) get stuck on a chair lift indefinitely at the highest point in the run at a fictional New England ski resort. Now I don’t know much about modern skiing, or modern idiots, but I’m 99% positive they have ski guards to check to make sure this doesn’t happen. They also have other employees who go up and down the mountains on off days to either groom or to make sure those dang hippies from the Berkshires haven’t set up yurts overnight.

Nevertheless, a series of unfortunate events (which these three are technically responsible for) leads them stuck up there. So now, they have to decide to risk leaving the chair or staying and possibly freezing to death. I’m okay with either outcome after about 4 minutes of the most white-privilege dialogue I have ever heard.

The three consist of two dudes and a blonde. One of the dudes is a new boyfriend to the blonde. The other dude is first dude’s best friend. Best friend did not want new girlfriend on this trip. And he’s probably right. She’s basically the reason they are stuck. It’s a lot of whining and freaking out and not thinking clearly, which continues to get all three of them into more trouble. The ending is slightly meh, but there are several wise thoughts to take away from this movie:

• A bribe can get you up the mountain, but not back down.
• The worst way to die is the one you haven’t thought of yet.
• Don’t hold on to a bar that won’t keep you warm.
• Just pay full price for your lift ticket, douche.

2011

Life Hack: If you can’t sleep because of a scary movie, do a crossword puzzle. I finished an entire Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle the night after I watched this film.

The film was shown in one continuous shot (aka “real time”) which is an impressive feat for both actors and editors, but also a reminder that steady cams are the greatest invention since the zoom. Because you can definitely tell when they weren’t using them. Or should I say, my inner ear could tell. But that’s not the reason this film made me queasy. It was the ending.

At first you think it is your typical haunted house. The main character (who is in every scene) Sarah and her dad are trying to sell their old lake house, which is now just a shitty pile of bricks with no electricity, a mold problem, and no cell phone service. Sarah’s Uncle Peter is also helping, but leaves to go get an electrician. We all know where this is going. And it is not a dance down memory lane.

Sarah immediately starts to hear noises in the house. Most of them just innocuous “hey I’m an old house and I’m falling apart and should probably be condemned” and then it slowly goes into deliberate knocks and footsteps. A creepy friend from Sarah’s past shows up at the front door and asks if they can get together later. She misses playing dress up together. Sarah doesn’t seem to remember her, but politely says sure. Because I always agree to dinner with women who miss playing dress up. Sarah’s not very smart.

The knocks and thuds around the house get worse and she begs her dad to go check it out to verify it is rats. It’s never just rats. Except when the movie is called Rats. While searching around, her dad finds some photographs that he quickly hides. He knows Sarah is afraid of the dark, but still forces her to go upstairs where there is zero light. He’s an asshole. Also he yells at her for not throwing out her cousins’ things. Way to double down, bro.

While alone Sarah hears one giant thud and knows something happened to her father. She spends the next 45 minutes just trying to get out of the house. The keys are missing, some stalker is hunting her inside the house, and I still haven’t seen any rats. She’s still not smart because she never picks up a crowbar or sledgehammer, even though the house is literally littered with them. I hope this is the first thing they teach my kids in college: How To Get the Hell Out of a Haunted House 101. It can also double as a real estate course.

Her uncle finally returns and tells her to stay in the car while he grabs his gun and goes check the house for squatters gone sociopath. While in the car, Sarah puts her hair in pony tail. First smart thing you’ve done, girl! I really don’t think anyone would leave their hair down as soon as the dire circumstances start. But then she goes back in the house. Back to being un-smart, Sarah.

The ending is unnerving, because one, you could actually imagine this type of depravity happening. Two, it turns out Sarah was wickedly smart the entire time. And three, there is still a terrible mold problem. Just burn the place to the ground. Don’t let the next owners deal with that shit.

2013

The “found footage” genre seems like it has jumped the shark and should be going the way of “flash mobs” and “skinny khakis.” Although the horror movie market has been saturated with it, I think the real reason people might have disdain for these movies and that the main characters are NEVER likable, unselfish human beings. They are always vapid (hence why they are filming themselves non-stop) or angry at how good their life is. However, this may be what filmmakers are trying to get across: if you want to live the life of a two-dimensional person, you will forever be damned to be remembered that way. It may be a comment on social media and how today’s adults aren’t using it productively.

Or Bobcat Goldthwait just wanted to make a horror movie.

Willow Creek is the sight of the infamous and constantly disproved Bigfoot tape from 1967. The main character, Jim has taken this to be bible and therefore must try to go into the woods and confirm that something that was disproved before he was born, MAY still exist. His girlfriend, Kelly (an admitted skeptic) reluctantly goes along with him. They are definitely a new relationship, because they don’t seem to realize how annoying each other is. I mean, like really annoying. And they have tons of unfunny jokes.

Despite the threat of being gunned down by a local as they drive through town on the way to the Bigfoot site, Jim doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps the camera rolling and interviewing people who may have “encountered” the creature. It doesn’t show it deliberately, but he seems to be mocking the people even though he ACTUALLY does believe Bigfoot exists. This is about as deep as this dude goes.

Kelly isn’t much better. If you knew you were going on a hike in the woods, maybe read a book. Learn some basic navigation skills without a smart phone. Stop whining. It’s not like she was kidnapped. She could have stayed back at the motel with the locals, who have an unending catalog of “Bigfoot” themed songs.

So at this point, I’m starting to actually feel for the animals and creatures in the woods. Here are two annoying 30-somethings infiltrating your very nice land and making fun of your poop; they should be messed with. In a very Blair Witch Project way, the most frightening parts of the movies are the sounds, not the images. Especially the sound of a dying volunteer firefighter siren. That’s just terrible. This town can’t even afford a working siren. Or that was just the sound effect they used for Bigfoot. Either way, quite dangerous in the Pacific Northwest.

After a night of terror, the couple emerges from their tent and tries to get out of there. Jim believes the noises were Bigfoot, and Kelly thinks it was just the local hillbillies (or whatever they are called in California) messing with them, and REALLY, REALLY wants to believe she is right. It’s like when you hear something on your roof, and you’re pretty sure it isn’t ghosts, but you’d rather it be ghosts than prowlers. Except in this case, I’d rather it be Bigfoot than locals with guns and impure thoughts. Unless Bigfoot knows how to use a gun. Although with this freak of evolution, that’s the only next logical step: trigger finger.

Since this is a found footage movie, we know they never get out of the forest alive, but their fate isn’t entirely clear. Well, Jim’s is. The gurgling sounds are pretty indicative of “aortic artery slitting.” The film ends with Kelly being carried off by something and screaming. She’s totally going to have Bigfoot’s baby. And that’s when we get Willow Creek: 2 Hairy 2 Furious.

1966

Any time religion and politics mix, you are going to see bloodshed. Any time you combine religion, politics, and Hammer Films, there’s going to be a ridiculous amount of blood that doesn’t look like blood, but instead more like melted red frosting. However, this is the few Hammer movies that only has like a bucket of blood, instead of a metric ton. Didn’t make it any less crazy, though.

Christopher Lee plays the most intense version of Rasputin I’ve even seen. To be fair though, Christopher Lee is one of the most intense humans I’ve ever seen. Besides the crazy eyes, this film is so far from historically accurate, it might as well be called Anastasia. It’s like Hammer told the screenwriter, “Rasputin is an evil mystic who loves drinking and hypnotizing women. Go.”

The film begins when the young monk Rasputin decides to ditch the monastery for a “night on the town.” Except he lives in pastoral Russia in 1898 so the only thing to do is go to a local pub. When he doesn’t get his alcohol fast enough, he yells at the pub owner and is immediately admonished by the patrons. The pub owner’s wife is very ill and on her death bed. The doctors in this time period are about as competent as a goat. In fact, they should have just hired a goat.

Rasputin doesn’t like to be delayed a drink, so he nonchalantly takes the fever out of the wife and washes his hands. The pub owner is so grateful, he offers Rasputin free drinks, and Rasputin thanks him by trying to rape his daughter. This guy is a peach.

Rasputin is thrown out of the monastery for good, because there’s no room in Russia for alternative medicine and alcoholism (yet). Now homeless, he decides to bet a disgraced Doctor Zargo (they should ALL be disgraced) that he can drink more than him. Obviously he can, and the doctor wakes up with a new roommate and the worst sidekick ever.

A woman, Sonia, who witnessed Rasputin’s…”charming” I guess, demeanor and immediately wants him, is soon discovered to be a lady in waiting to the Tsarina. Rasputin sees massive amounts of power in his future and immediately coerces Sonia into hurting (but not killing) the Tsarina’s son. It’s like an early, fucked up version of Jessica Jones. But with more hypnotizing.

Rasputin is successful in healing the boy, and immediately is given a palace and all the furnishings to continue his life work of hypnotizing and raping women. He’s fairly prolific at it, until he ends up pissing off the brother of Sonia (Peter), who for some reason doesn’t like Rasputin manipulating his sister. He enlists to help of another lady in waiting’s brother (Ivan) and they both go in with Dr. Zargo to make sure Rasputin isn’t just regular dead, but Hammer dead.

Their plans backfire horribly. Peter get’s acid thrown in his face. Zargo attempts to poison Rasputin, and somehow ends up with a knife in his back. Ivan is getting all the way beat up. After the poison only seems to work halfway, the brothers decide to finish the job by throwing Rasputin out the window. I appreciate that the method(s) of death was the only thing this movie got historically accurate. Except, the last part where they throw Rasputin’s body into the river to make sure he is really, really dead after they also shoot him. The part just happened in real life.