Category: 31 Nights of Horror

Day 5, 2013 – The Woman In Black

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The Woman In Black

2012

black

Do you know what it is like to be scared of a live-action play? As in, you see or read a play, and then you have nightmares for weeks? Well, that would be me, in 2002 when I read and then saw “The Woman In Black.” It’s worse than a haunted house, because you know at least haunted house cast members are either teenagers or unemployed/transient salesman.

As I knew I would this month, I just scared the crap out of myself. The play, “The Woman In Black,” has literally followed me for years after I saw it. So why would I subject myself to the terror again 10 years later? Because apparently, I don’t like sleeping or having a low light bill.

If you don’t know the story, Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) plays a British solicitor (terrible sub-lawyer) who travels to a village that doesn’t have sunshine or dryness (as I assume most English villages do not, but that’s Hollywood). He is a grieving widow father who is sent by his firm to settle the affairs of the estate of a dead woman. The town acts weird towards him, which should have been red-light number one, but Harry Potter is so afraid of being fired from his job, that he will do anything to keep it. Unfortunately, this is subjecting the audience to 95 minutes of non-stop suspense (I think I pulled a muscle stifling a scream at one point).

This film has all the classic horror films aspects you would expect:

  • Creepy white children
  • Muddy and bloody white children
  • Victorian era white children’s toys
  • Lady dressed in funeral garb PISSED at the world
  • Harry Potter not having his wand on him

I watched it until the end, but only because I heard it was different than the play, and someone would call me out if I didn’t reveal it correctly. I won’t ruin the ending for two reasons:

  1. I don’t want every post to be a spoiler
  2. I’m afraid of thinking about the ending again

Now, I could go on for days how good Daniel Radcliffe was at his character or how the mise en scène portrayed the story perfectly. I could even gush over the simplicity of horror, and that is how most horror affects us: through our most basic fears. I could even applaud the dialogue for moving quickly in a play that often has too many long pauses for dramatic effect.

Fuck it, here’s a picture of puppies fighting with swords that I think we all need instead:

puppies

Day 4, 2013 – The Monster Squad

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The Monster Squad

1987

monster

Kid horror films should have its own genre, because kids are scared of the weirdest shit. The washing machine, the mailman, thunderstorms…wait, that might be dogs. Still, kids don’t understand mortality so they just base their fear on previous things they feared.

As a kid myself, I avoided movies that had these covers. Probably because I was scared of something I heard about children being forced into slavery by scary beings. Wait, that might have been Lifetime Movies. So up until last year, I didn’t even know this movie existed.

The story centers around the villain Dracula, who is tall, dark, and fabulous. His back-handed face slaps just resonate with the viewer as his signature style. While the first scene shows monsters in Germany, it’s hard to determine what year it is. The angry mob has shotguns and dynamite, but the sacrificial virgin looks like she came from a Heidi look-alike contest.

Fast forward a century to present day (which in this case is Reagan-era America). Germans are apparently still scary, bullies say “faggot” a lot, and the cool kids wear penny loafers and smoke cigarettes in school. A group of boys who call themselves “The Monster Squad” love to get together and talk about monsters. While this is all going on, Dracula somehow manages to rustle up his posse. They consist of your typical “posse” archetypes:

  1. The Mummy – does absolutely nothing, easily destroyed by the fabric that holds him together
  2. The Wolfman – begs for death from the beginning, gets “hit in the nards” by kids
  3. Creature from the Black Lagoon – the muscle, maybe; easily killed by apparently just not being near a black lagoon
  4. Women Vampire Trio – just around for looks and noise
  5. Frankenstein’s monster – probably Dracula’s best friend/minion, might had a little thing going on in the past, but that’s over with now; easily distracted by boobs.

The group isn’t very well organized, and Dracula is well skilled at explosives and driving, which makes me think he’s an impostor. A fabulous impostor. Either way the monsters chase after the kids who are holding a precious Van Helsing diary that gives information on how the evil world can take over the good. The kids are also carrying a disco ball ruby, which Dracula may be coveting for the night club he’s going to open soon: Transyl

The kids are smart. They know “monsters hate religious stuff” so they make sure they get to a church and have a Holocaust survivor with them (I’m serious). They use the little sister as the sacrificial virgin because the slut they picked up along the way was also a liar. They use Frankenstein’s monster to their advantage because they know he is of simple mind and well manipulated.

In the end, the monsters are sucked back into the swirling vortex of limbo where they will hang out for another 100 years until some cuffed-jean teens and 5 year old virgins decide to open the gates again. This is coming sooner than you think.

As in typical 80s fasion, there’s also a theme song which plays over the credits called “Rock Until You Drop.” Not since Ghostbusters, has a theme song launched a semi-professional singer into the stardom of semi-nostalgia. I checked on iTunes. It’s not there yet. You can buy it used on Amazon for $30 though.

Day 3, 2013 – Red State

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Red State

2011

redstate

I had never seen this movie or knew much about it, except that it was directed by Kevin Smith. So there is warning number one. Do NOT trust IMDb.com tags. Or movie posters. Or trailers. They are used by movie studios to get more people to see their films.

Now as most people who saw the trailer, I thought this was going to be a horror film with some action elements. Instead, it was more of a police procedural with some creepy exaggerated characters.

The movie starts out “horror-ish” enough. Dumb teenagers looking at boobies, decide to go drinking in the middle of nowhere to get boobies, then end up becoming the victims. But then, we get lectured by a crazy fundamentalist preacher who reminds me of a young Kris Kristofferson. I hope that’s the look he was going for. There is also lots of singing vaguely familiar but barely audible church hymns. So I guess there is another “scary movie” element there. Like voices of little children surrounding you with old lullabies.

However, then John Goodman enters the picture as the ATF agent who is going to save everyone he can. That’s where the “horror film” went out the window and I just stayed to the end of the movie to hear John Goodman’s monologues. Damn, that man is good at the one-sided conversation. If there was a hall of fame for monologues, it would be called “The John Goodman Museum of Words.”

The film ends with dead bodies, way too many kills shots to eye sockets, and me remembering from what movie I know Melissa Leo. I swear, that woman could live in my apartment room, and I wouldn’t know her from Adam if I saw her on the street. But she is darn good actress and made the movie pretty good with her convincingly Christian ways.

It’s not terrible, but it’s not a Halloween film. It’s just a John Goodman film. And that should be good enough for anyone.

Day 2, 2013 – Sleepy Hollow

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Sleepy Hollow

1999

sleepy

If you’ve never seen this movie, or heard of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” or have been living abroad with no connection to America, the story comes from a 1820 Washington Irving short story. It’s basically about a headless soldier who terrorizes the town until Ichabod Crane shows up. He’s an odd fellow, which means Johnny Depp is contractually obligated to portray him, as it is written in the Old Testament and Torah (I assume).

Tim Burton directed this movie, so right off the bat, you know you’re going to see some messed up shit. But this doesn’t even make the top TEN of movies that shows Burton’s inexplicably imaginative and WTF mind. It’s actually rather tame. When I first saw this film when it came out, I wasn’t even scared of the gore because the blood was so fake looking. Beyond that though, it is still a Burton film. And that means something different to everyone who knows what I’m talking about. And there’s a large scarecrow budget. That’s a given.

Christina Ricci plays the love interest/hell’s target. Burton’s obsession with leading women with wide eyes begins again. Is eye fetish a thing? Because I’m pretty sure he has it. Which is fine, I mean it would be the least of his weirdness, but just in case, I’ll stay away from him at parties. Now I have nothing against Christina Ricci, but why does she always talk like she’s in a terrible community theater version of an old play? Has she been in The Doll House yet. She should give it a try.

Johnny Depp just plays “1990s Johnny Depp Preparing To Eventually Be Jack Sparrow.” He does it well, and I had a drink every time he gave his “bemused, bewildered classic reaction face.” I was drunk at 22:04. You know the face:

depp

The movie strays from the original story immensely and immediately, and even involves Casper Van Dien’s oddly squared head to mumble 12 words before he is cut in half. Come on horseman, you can’t take a torso back to hell. Torsoless Horseman isn’t fun to say. There is a vast conspiracy within the town involving money and pregnancies and grudges that don’t make sense because a woman made them up.

The real villain is the step-mother of Christina Ricci who was a WITCH the whole time. Unbeknownst to her though, Christina Ricci is ALSO a witch, a fact which reveals itself to Depp while the entire town is hiding in the church. His reaction bugs me because he looks so disgusted. Dude, she gave you a spells and charms book she had hidden in her boobs the first time you talked. This shouldn’t be a shock.

The movie ends with Christopher Walken getting his head back and bringing the step-witch back to hell with him. Or Jersey. That tree portal could have led anywhere. It’s far from scary, because it’s so silly. However, it does give us a lot of new information:

  1. It is perpetual autumn in upstate New York. That’s just a fact.
  2. That horseman got a lot of head.
  3. If you find out everyone in your town is related, it’s time to get out of Incestville. It only leads to trouble.
  4. Covered bridges don’t make sense. They aren’t whimsical, they are creepy. And anyone who paints them should be evaluated and monitored.

I hope some bar in Sleepy Hollow, NY has invented a drink called “The Flying Flaming Pumpkin Head.” And if they haven’t, I just feel sorry for them.

Day 1, 2013 – The Cabin in the Woods

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The Cabin in the Woods

2012ish (this year is apparently debatable, but you get it)

Untitled

Source: IMdB.com

Knowing this movie was written by Joss Whedon gave me high expectations. He is what I call “highly witty.” In that, his dialogue is extremely smart, but even a kid stoned out of his mind would laugh. It’s a rare gift, and Mr. Whedon does not fail to deliver. I actually giggled out loud at some. Including my favorite line of the movie, “Do NOT read the Latin.”

Even though I don’t [read: refuse] to watch a lot of horror films, I already knew the common themes and saw them almost immediately in this movie. Bad dies first, good dies last, the worst dies somewhere in between, everyone dies.

We are introduced to the dead kids almost immediately. They are:

  • Blond anorexic with annoyingly shiny hair who doesn’t need a bra
  • “Shy” red-head who has no qualms dancing around in front of her window with no pants
  • College jock who looks like he could be 30, but definitely not 20 and no one cares
  • Ambiguous race handsome man who is perfect for “shy” red-head
  • Lovable pothead that somehow everyone knows even though from different backgrounds

The movie proceeds exactly how you would expect it. But of course, every new horror film needs a twist. This one actually a fucked up reality show to appease the ancients gods. Okay, Joss, I get this idea. But who the fuck is Bridezillas appeasing? And why would Cthulhu let a thing exist?

Kids get to house, get drunk (because the woods is fucking terrifying and you need booze to deal with it), terror ensues. They head to the basement. I actually enjoyed the “portal” idea of the basement. Kids explore, looking at the vintage treasures, deciding which object to pick up. I imagine if Pawn Stars was part of this reality show, there would be a disclaimer when they chose the diary:

“This object may be cursed with the bloodlines of 1000 generations, but the best I can do is smelly redneck zombies.”

Exposition…exposition…semi-creative ways of dying…exposition.

The movie ends just as I would expect it to: Sigourney Weaver summarizing everything. Her voice is nice, I wouldn’t mind her explaining the ways of the world to me. I’d like her to do my outgoing voice-mail message.

There were 3 gaping plot holes in this movie that annoyed me:

  1. How the hell can a cabin like that have 3 huge bedrooms? I bet this bugged a lot of architects and feng shui instructors too.
  2. There is ZERO consitency with handsome ambiguous race kid’s glasses. None. Is he wearing the frames just to look cool? Because 14 year-olds do that, not late-20 somethings getting stabbed in the neck with a sickle.
  3. If Little Thor just had his hammer with him, everyone would be fine. Except the annoying blond. She had to go. I could see the pockets under her cut-off jeans.