Category: 31 Nights of Horror – 2013

Day 31, 2013 – Toy Story of Terror

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Toy Story of Terror (TV Short)

2013

toy

This 22 minute short was the greatest gift “The Great Pumpkin” could ever give me. I recorded it a couple weeks ago, not sure when I wanted to watch it. Well, I found the perfect time: the final day. I can’t watch anymore scary movies; they are too scary. I may do this again next year, but I definitely need at least the 11 months to recover to no longer be scared of certain sounds and musical chords.

Disney is always there waiting, like someone with a hug at the end of the day. The only adults who wouldn’t want to sit down right now and watch a Disney film are those adults who either work for Disney or work for a three year old who knows how to use the Blu-ray player.

This short is so adorable, I don’t want to give anything away. However it should be known that all the original voices are back, including a couple new ones. Pixar’s animation is so charming, it’s actually comforting to watch. When I go to sleep tonight, I won’t be hearing the Amityville Horror house talking to me or terrifyingly fast violin chords. I will be hearing Buzz Lightyear and Woody’s voices.

Did you hear that, house?

I’m not afraid anymore!

I said, I’m not afraid anymore!

Do you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!

Day 30, 2013 – The Amityville Horror

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The Amityville Horror

1979

amity

Maybe I have been watching too many horror movies lately, but this one was far too long. At almost two hours, I started to get both bored and scared, which is a weird mixture of emotions. I had never seen The Amityville Horror before but I do have cable, so I was completely aware of the story. I knew it was a made-up story before even watching the movie, but then again, aren’t all stories from the 70’s made up?

I could imagine that if you believed the premise was true (a family moves into a house were gruesome murders took place and then start experiencing strange phenomenon), then this would have been a frightful experience. However, I’ve come to the conclusion after almost a month of watching horror movies that I am terrified of haunted house. Haunted people, haunted things, haunted pets, haunted rivers, bring them on. But a haunted house is my number one “NOPE.” And yet I still willingly chose to watch this film. Even with the creepy lullabye intro, I was still in it to finish.

The movie stars Margot Kidder (of Lois Lane in Superman fame) and James Brolin (of Barbra Streisand’s husband fame) as Kathy and George Lutz. They move into a house that is selling for way under market value, which should have been warning number one. Also, the real estate agent is scared of certain rooms to walk into. Warning number two. This is why we should be glad states have “stigmatized property laws”. If house is haunted the real estate agent has to tell you. They also apparently have to tell you if a house had AIDS victims, but that may be outdated (hopefully).

Then, we find out that this couple KNEW about the gruesome murders that happened there. You know what, bitches, you deserve this. About a month later they move in with their three children and immediately weird shit starts happening as it always does to white people in the suburbs. First, a family friend Catholic priest comes to visit them and bless the house, only to be locked in a room with a bunch of talking flies who try to choke him out. He escapes but not before getting a bad case of stigmata. And he can’t warn the family because they didn’t know he there in the first place. First rule of a priest is that you can’t enter a home without being invited. Wait, that’s vampires. Well, same thing.

The family and house start off normal enough. The family unpacks. Hangs a crucifix on the wall. The couple has sex in their weird all-mirrored bedroom on the floor even though there are plenty of mattresses and beds throughout the house. Then the daughter starts acting weird, saying she has a new imaginary friend, no one can call the house without getting static, and crazy stuff starts happening every night at 3:15am.

Next George Lutz starts to get sick. Then ornery. Then can’t perform during sex. Then he is mean towards his wife and stepkids. Then won’t change his clothes for several days. Then has a compulsive wood chopping hobby. Claaaaassic signs of demon possession. He then gets the worst symptom of all: Christian Bale crazy eyes.

jg

The demon that’s possessing the house now starts in on everyone else. The toilets fill with bubbling tar, it locks the baby-sitter in the closet, it steals money, it teases the dog, it slams a window on the son’s hands All pretty dick moves, even for a demon. George Lutz goes even crazier, and won’t listen to reason from anyone; even his wife or business partner. Luckily the business partner’s girlfriend is a professional nutjob who is able to figure everything out with a book George stole from the library. The house is a nice American combination of evil: Salem witch refugee and cursed dead Native American bodies.

Now that everyone (including the dog) knows what is up, do they decide to leave? No, because then the movie would be over. Instead more crazy shit starts to happen. The priest who tried to bless the house goes blind, then catatonic. Everyone keeps calling out George for looking exactly like the murderer. The daughter is now bordering on the edge of psychotic from listening to her “imaginary friends.”

Finally, they decide it’s time to go when the walls start to bleed. I guess everyone has a tipping point, and this is theirs. They slip and slide through the river of blood that was once their hallway and leave the house. Well, they try until the daughter (who probably brought the demon with her like an idiot) wants them to go back to get the dog. At this point in the movie, I was like “nooooo, not the puppy!!” But thankfully, this movie is boring and nothing gets killed. The family finally bounces for good, leaving everything behind them, including George Lutz’s prized massive tower of firewood.

Day 29, 2013 – Attack the Block

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Attack the Block

2011

block

I saw this movie and year ago and liked it. Then I saw it this year with the subtitles on and straight-up fucking loved it! It is amazing how many words and syllables you miss when trying to listen to fast talking thug British children talk. Plus they make living in the projects look like so much fun.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t want you to think living in the projects is just all fun and games. There are serious issues that need to be addressed. Unsupervised children. Rampant drug use. Gang banging drug dealers. Unsecured buildings.

A group of teens, led by 15 year old Moses, robs a girl during a fireworks night. I assume it is either Guy Fawkes night or some royal baby was born. Not sure what else British people celebrate. Because of the excessive amount of fireworks in London that night, the youths are free to roam about and cause mischief, as youths tend to do. In this case, they decide to mug a nurse on her way home from her shift. Luckily for the girl, a meteor crashes into a nearby car and she is able to escape relatively unharmed. The youths decide to investigate and end up finding a screaming monster who escapes to a nearby playground.

Taking it upon themselves to “protect the block” the teens run after it and kill/stun the creature with fireworks and bats. However, now they have a dead mucus monster on their hands. So they decide the best place to bring it would be a drug dealer’s apartment. I mean, the weed room IS usually the most secure place in the ghetto so it does make sense.

Neither the drug dealer nor his lackeys seem particularly concerned with a group of teens carrying around an unidentified animal and allow them to keep it in the apartment. However, while this is happening, more meteors are falling from the sky. Except for this time, it isn’t a petite mucus animal. It is a bunch of “big alien gorilla wolf motherfuckers.”

Even though the teens are out of their league they decide that above all they need to protect their projects. So they gather up as many weapons as they can. They even have the nice nurse who they tried to mug join them. They can’t figure out why these hairy beasts are being so aggressive towards Moses. Until one pothead customer points out that the first alien they killed was most likely female and had oozed her female juices all over Moses when he dragged her to the grow room. These “big alien gorilla wolf motherfuckers” are the aliens males looking to mate.

I’m not going to give away the ending because the movie is just too much fun to watch. Plus you learn all the cool new slang that I’m hoping kids in America will start using so I can finally understand them. Until then though, I’m just going to start saying “Wagwan bruv?” to everyone. Get used to it. (*I apologize in advance if this is racist)

Day 28, 2013 – The Birds

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The Birds

1963

bird

Alfred Hitchcock was considered one of the great scary movie directors, but luckily we live in the “age of the Internet” so we also know that Hitchcock was a generally creepy dude, which makes his movies even more terrifying. He was obsessed with his leading ladies. He spent days on scenes that were less that a minute long. He was so calculated, that he knew exactly what the movie would look like before they even started shooting. The amount of attention to detail rivals only that of maybe research scientists and definitely serial killers.

If you’ve never seen The Birds, I assume you still have some sort of pop culture reference to it. If you don’t even have that, then I can’t help you. However, for those who need a refresher, I’ll offer one. Tippi Hedren is a beautiful blonde named Melanie living in San Francisco. Melanie seems pleasant enough…until you realize she is a stalker, manipulator, and pathological liar. Enter the love interest, Mitch, He knows Melanie by reputation, which makes her seem like a call girl, but really she is just a rich socialite with too much time and too many friends on her hands. She is, by every definition of the word, a brat. They meet in a pet store while Melanie is looking for a bird that will say curse words to her friend and Mitch is looking for birds for his little sister’s birthday.

Melanie is intrigued by this man who knows her, but she doesn’t know him, as any bored rich girl would be. So she tracks down his license plate (through Daddy’s connections) and finds out his home address, which subsequently leads her to his weekend home in a place called Bodega Bay. Mitch needs to get less trusting neighbors or gay ones, because men are more than willing to offer Melanie any information she wants on Mitch’s residence and home life. Even the local school teacher gives Melanie everything she needs to concoct a lovely lie to get into his house. She’s just blonde, not Jesus!

Melanie brings Mitch’s sister a pair of lovebirds. Mitch catches Melanie sneaking into his house to drop off her gift with no ulterior motive, and chases her into town. That’s when Melanie is attacked by a gull. But this is The Birds not The Bird, so you know more possessed evil is coming from the skies. But when? That’s how Hitchcock drags you in to his movies. He offers you JUST a taste, then makes you wait around for 35 minutes of exposition and beautiful crafted camera angles before scaring the crap out of you again.

Now it’s Mitch’s turn to be intrigued by this little blonde psycho who followed him to his hometown. He brings her home to his mother who immediately disapproves, because let’s be honest, Melanie is like the least redeeming character in horror films. I’m more sympathetic to the blonde teenage camp counselor who wears only bras after sundown. Before Melanie can get a chance to show Mitch’s mother they aren’t in some Oedipal play, the town begins to be attacked by more and more birds.

It gets gruesome and then really, really LOUD at parts. Which is more psychologically terrifying than the scenes themselves. Doesn’t matter how slow or fast or how many or few, wings flapping is worse to me than whistling. In fact, if some of those birds started whistling while flying I probably would have walked out of the movie theater (*side note, I saw this on the big screen).

One smart woman accuses Melanie of bringing this evil on the town. But then she starts getting hysterical and Melanie has to slap her, which sends the woman’s credibility out the window. No one in town can figure out what is going on, because I assume Bodega Bay is made up of 68% fishermen, 20% drunks, and 12% children. None of who are experts on birds. And the one woman who actually IS an expert on birds, just wants to be a know-it-all and won’t listen to anyone.

The movie ends with Melanie getting attacked by a roomful of birds, but then saved by Mitch and his mother-wife. Then they all hop (well, more like skulk) into Melanie’s Aston Martin and head out of the now deserted town, leaving flocks of birds to now finally poop in peace. But not before Mitch’s sister brings the pair of lovebirds with them. This girl needs a lesson in “correlation equaling causation.”

Day 27, 2013 – Trick ‘r Treat

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Trick ‘r Treat

2007 (but was actually released only at film festivals and went to DVD in 2009)

trick

Demon children/child ghosts have a special place in the pit of my stomach. Something about seeing an undead little person possessed by the devil gives me some serious shudders. Obviously, it has to do with “unfinished business” and “death of innocence.” But I also think it stems from the fact that I have a very rational fear of having my ankles slashed or bitten, something that the demon child in this movie actually does.

This is one of those fun movies that has interlinking plot lines, where the stories of four different groups are connected only by slight overlap, but all connected by a bigger theme. Just like other perennial favorites, such as Love Actually or Crash. In Trick ‘r Treat, the major connection is “Sam,” the pumpkin head kid who wears a burlap sack and footie pajamas and is playing a decades long game of intense “trick-or-treat.” Sam…you’re winning the game. Trust me. Now go back to Satan’s lair where you belong.

The first story is an annoying drunk couple on Halloween night. They deserve to get killed immediately. The only connection they have to the other stories is that they show up in their scenes to provide a timeline. I’ll title this one “Timekeeper.”

The second story is a little more detailed, involving a serial killer who also happens to be the principal of the local school. I can’t tell what his M.O. is since he seems to go after old and young, women and men. The only thing we do know is that his very annoying child is very good at helping dispose of the victims. I’ll call this one “Bonding Time.”

The third story is slightly cliche because it involves a group of tramps wearing highly inappropriate fairy tale costumes for a Halloween party. They lure men into the woods with their boobs and beers for a serious party. However, there is the “virgin” played by the not-her-usual-annoying self, Anna Paquin. She can’t seem to find the “right one” for her big night and finally gives up and heads to the woods party. However, there is someone following her. Oh look, it is the serial killer principal who has been biting women all night to collect their bodies! Anna Paquin invites him to the party by throwing him into a tree. Obviously, these aren’t your typical tramps. They are werewolves who eat men, drink beer, and dance around a fire naked. Let’s call this one “Killing Time.”

The final story is the most intricate. A group of pre-teens brings a social outcast to a rock quarry on the edge of town. They tell her a local legend of a bus driver who killed a busload of “disturbed” children on Halloween because the parents paid him to. After telling her the story, they disappear, only to appear in costumes to make her believe the dead children have risen for their vengeance. Unfortunately the prank backfires and sends the outcast into shock. Then the dead children actually DO come back, and the outcast leaves the pranksters to deal with their own destinies. It’s hard to tell if she left them in the rock quarry on purpose, she was under a spell, or she was in shock. Either way, children’s screams ensue while she walks calmly away.

This story continues to involve the cantankerous old neighbor of the principal serial killer. We find out he was the bus driver who killed the children and was never heard from again. This is when we are okay with the pumpkin head demon child attacking someone. Unfortunately for Sam, he is able to get his treat and can’t perform his trick (kill) on this terrible man. Luckily, the old man gets his in the end when he opens the door and sees the zombie children from the rock quarry. Then it zooms to the first scene of the movie with the annoying couple. Let’s call this one “A Stitch In Time Saves Nine” because it sounds cool and there’s aren’t many other phrases that involve “time.”

In addition to crossing “Sam” of the list of possible names for my future children, I am also never buying them footie pajamas. I don’t care how fashionable they are. You ruin everything, horror movies!

Day 26, 2013 – Carrie

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Carrie

1976

carrie

If this movie experiment has given me nothing else, it has given me a bevy of names I will never call my children: Damien. Malachai. Carrie. Stephen King. This movie in particular has taught me never bully people, always have an exit strategy, and immediately arrest overly religious mothers with too many candles.

I don’t know how anyone doesn’t know the story, but it is almost severely basic in today’s horror movies:

  1. Introverted teen girl is social outcast, bullied by peers, especially the girls
  2. We find out her mother is overbearing and extremely religious, punishing the introvert into submission (who’s the REAL bully, huh?)
  3. Introvert develops telekinetic powers (Stephen King loves his mind controlling ladies)
  4. Although some may be trying to help introvert, it’s too late and she burns everything down, bringing the mother and herself down with it.

However, even with ALL those cliches, this movie still managed to surprise me:

  1. Carrie wore literally the sluttiest dress to that prom. For a long time before I saw the movie, I actually thought the pig blood scene involved her wearing just underwear.
  2. John Travolta invented the character of “Larry the Cable Guy.” He barely talks in a full, coherent sentence and even says, “Git er done” a few times.
  3. Stephen King actually admitted that he knew two girls like Carrie who died in their 20s. Why aren’t we investigating Stephen King for more unsolved murders?!

Finally, props to the prop guy for using a St. Sebastian statue instead of a Crucifix. Not sure if this was on purpose, because I would never purposely pick up a Stephen King novel, but it adds an interesting effect. In some pictures, St. Sebastian actually looks like he is enjoying being shot with arrows. Maybe Carrie enjoys her mother’s punishments because it fuels her powers. Doesn’t matter anyways, her mother and her end the same way: eaten by the house. Crazy souls are the most delicious, I hear.

Day 25, 2013 – Ernest Scared Stupid

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Ernest Scared Stupid

1991

ern

I think the number one issue I have with scary movies for children is that there is no continuity to the mythology of the antagonist. And also that if kids really need to be scared, we don’t need to sugar coat it. Hand them a book of old German nursery rhymes. Or show them pictures of vintage Halloween costumes. That shit would give me nightmares for weeks.

However, back to the plot developments. If you’re going to create a film for children about the existence of trolls and parents who let their kids hang out with a redneck garbage man, then I’m going to need some more explanations. I’ve never seen any of the other Ernest movies so maybe there is a thread of plot lines that I’m unaware of, but as an independent viewing, I was so confused.

Eartha Kitt plays a steampunk hoarder who is also a witch of some sort. Her actual identity isn’t really defined, but we do know that she has a tree on her property that harbors a troll from over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately three kids want a bully-free tree house and start trespassing on her property which is full of scary shadows and fog machines. Of course they pick the troll tree and set to work on creating an impenetrable fortress and inadvertently waking up the troll.

Now that the troll is released into the world, we find out what he wants: children’s souls. This is fair enough, but why? Are they delicious? Does it give the troll power? Does it make the troll prettier? These all may be true, but it seems as if the troll turns the children into a wooden statue, then places the wood in holes in his tree and this causes his troll babies to grow in pods. So his lust for innocent souls is actually just part of his asexual reproduction cycle. Circle of life.

Ernest somehow gets involved in all of this because the city needs him to clean up the hoarder witch’s property. Obviously he’s not going to do this because he’s a terrible garbage man who is easily distracted. He also has an undiagnosed multiple personality disorder, which is uses as a catalyst to justify decisions he makes.

Ernest does try to warn the townspeople of the pending troll attacks, but no one seems to care when children start to go missing, so why would they listen to a bumbling idiot. By this point in my horror movie experiment, I’ve realized that townspeople need to start listening to the babbling fool more and their rational thinking less, lest they be attacked by evil. Ernest realizes it is a lost cause and heads to get some troll-fighting materials from his local convenience store which is run by a couple of old con men.

Between some reading with the witch and context clues, the kids figure out that the troll’s weakness is milk. Not much reason behind this then it is “a mother’s care.” So since trolls come from pods, they must hate everything motherly. At least this is my theory. The kids attack all the troll pods (who have now hatched) and Ernest goes after the main (Poppa/Overlord/Alpha?) troll with hugs and love. The terrible beings are now destroyed, the witch gets her missing family (who no one knew about) back, and the town can go back to abusing Ernest and ignoring their children! Happy ending for everyone!

Day 24, 2013 – Stag Night

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Stag Night

2008

stag

This movie starts as you would expect: with the love interest from Hocus Pocus and the lovable stoner from Clueless attacking each other. Or perhaps you didn’t expect that. I’m sure 90’s movies fan fiction is very broad. Just kidding. This movie really starts after the credits (which should be seen) with a groom, his brother, and two friends celebrating his bachelor party at a strip club. Even though it is 3:30am in NYC, the groom’s brother (Breckin Meyer) suggests they head to another club he knows about. First of all, if anyone suggests a “cool club” at 3:30am, it’s not a cool club. It’s either a date rape club or an ironic hipster club. Both are too shameful and illegal to be seen at.

Obviously everyone has had too much to drink, so they follow whatever suggestions sounds best. They also follow a stripper from the club and her “nerdy” friend into the subway. Unfortunately, the “nerdy” friend (girl from Hocus Pocus, Vinessa Shaw), doesn’t like the Breckin Meyer’s hands or him throwing Jägermeister at her. So she maces him, and subsequently everyone else. The subway stops to let another train pass and the group in all their blindness open the door and stumbles out to an abandoned platform. It’s still strange to grasp that Manhattan would have abandoned ANYTHING since gentrification has swept over the city like a plague, but I suppose it is a movie and some liberties must be taken.

Now the group of four drunk bachelors and two half-sober ladies is smart enough to realize that no one, or at least no subway, is going to be back anytime soon, so they decide to hike down the tunnel to the next stop. Well, one couple decides to stay behind to have sex on the abandoned platform. So gross, but at least it is 70’s era Hepatitis they could catch. That could be treated with penicillin.

The group that traverses through the tunnels comes across a trio of what they think are “thugs” robbing a vending machine. Then they see the machetes, the dreaded hair, and poor dental hygiene. Then the brutal sword-murder of a cop. Obviously these are not the gangs from The Warriors they were warned about. So they book it. Unfortunately, these cannibals/thugs/feral people know the subway system better than your average transient so the group has no chance.

The couple that stayed back to “mack it” or whatever slang they were using in 2008 (I’m losing track with this cross generational movie experiment) are killed pretty quickly and gruesomely. The group sees this when they inadvertently happen upon the feral folks’ camp. As they watch their friends lose their heads and then their arms fed to the guard dogs, they realize they are dealing with your more than average psychopaths. This aren’t just criminals, these people were left over from the first Second Avenue subway. They have no intention of letting anyone who sees them see the surface again. Worse than the “mole people,” these guys are gonna murder you, then eat your neck fat because it probably tastes delicious, then wear your pancreas as a broach.

After a lot of running and machete swiping, basically everyone dies: feral folks and privileged white folks alike. I know horror movies are supposed to have a moral message, but I can’t really tell what this one is. Stay on the train? Don’t go to bachelor parties? Don’t throw Jägermeister at women? Whatever it is, I can’t stop looking at Kip Pardue and thinking it looks like Daniel Tosh and this is just all a sketch in front of a green screen. Sorry, Kip, I know you’re trying to have a successful and respected career, but you did name yourself, “Kip.” You have no hope. Just like people who get off trains at abandoned stops.

Day 23, 2013 – Transylvania 6-5000

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Transylvania 6-5000

1985

trans

This movie may have been considered the worst movie of 1985, but I don’t care what critics say. This movie stands the test of time. Except for the title. I highly doubt kids today would get the Glenn Miller Orchestra reference or why telephone exchanges used to have words before them. Back in the old days, kids, people didn’t think we could remember 7 numbers. Not like today, where we can’t remember any telephone numbers, except commercials with catchy jingles (looking at you 1-800-MATTRESS).

Out of this entire month’s experiment, I was hoping to find a movie that would become a perennial favorite, and I think I found it in this film. It’s so ridiculous, I feel like the entire cast knew they were making a terrible movie and just had fun with it. Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley, Jr., Michael Richards, Geena Davis, and Carol Kane. How could this much star power make a movie that Leonard Maltin reviewed as, “Transylvania 6-5000 stunk.”? Well, Mr. Maltin was dead wrong and I’m daring everyone out there to prove him wrong.

I don’t even want to give away the plot, so here are reasons why you should watch this movie:

  • Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley, Jr play a duo. This is beautiful, like watching two trees dance with each other.
  • Carol Kane ad-libs 112% of her lines. I don’t even know if she knows what movie she is in.
  • Geena Davis is almost naked in all of her scenes.
  • Michael Richards basically invented the Borat character and I’m surprised he never sued Sacha Baron Cohen.
  • The horror movie sight gags and many and short in between.
  • If you don’t like funny things, the filming location of Croatia offers beautiful scenery and architecture.
  • It has both an 80s inspired AND pun theme song.

If none of these reasons are enough to intrigue you to watch this movie, then I’m sorry that you will never be happy or satisfied with anything in your life.

Day 22, 2013 – Solomon Kane

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Solomon Kane

2009

solomon

Although this movie has witches, zombies, demons, and shadow ghosts, it’s not exactly a horror movie. It’s more like an “evil adventure” movie. Which probably should be its own genre by now, since “demon slayer” seems to be a favorite among Hugh Jackman characters. But I’ll just wait for the stage musicals to know when a new genre has taken off, thanks very much.

The movie starts with Solomon Kane, played by James Purefoy (famous for living in medieval times, according to his IMDb profile), slaying soldiers in North Africa in 1600. As only the most typical bad ass soldier would do, Solomon does a beautiful “walk and murder” choreography until he and his men come upon the room they were looking for: a bowl of gold. Of course, it is guarded by a hall of mirrors and ghost shadows who kill all Solomon’s men. That’s fine, more for Solomon. However, his glee is quickly put on a ice (literally) when the devil’s reaper shows up and says he’s there to collect Solomon’s soul. Solomon says nope, and jumps out the window.

He didn’t die, though. That would have been a terrible movie if he did because he didn’t even get a chance to shave his stupid beard. Instead we find him hiding out in a monastery, giving himself tattoos and being a “man of God.” However, the monks have had enough. They tell Solomon he’s bumming everyone out and should probably leave. They thank him first, for all the money and riches he gave them, but come on, this isn’t a charity.

So Solomon begrudgingly begins wandering across the countryside, only to come across highway robbers who knock him out and steal his books. Luckily he is saved by a nice Puritan family who is on their way to America. Solomon goes with them since they are God-loving folk, and that’s the path he’s rocking right now. He even gets the look, when they give him a sweet Pilgrim hat, complete with a buckle and all.

Of course, they couldn’t just have a nice journey to America. They have to get stopped by a evil witch, then a marauding band of possessed skinheads, and eventually a demon named Malachi’s right hand man. The patriarch and younger sons are killed while the daughter is kidnapped to be sold into slavery. With his dying words, the father tells Solomon if he rescues the daughter, Meredith, Solomon’s soul will be saved. Fair deal, Solomon figures, and heads off to find the girl, leaving the mother with a bunch of her family’s corpses to clean up. Real nice, Kane.

Solomon meets up with a priest who is hoarding zombies for the devil, which seems completely natural in this universe. He escapes that level of crazy, only to end up thinking Meredith is dead. So he sells some horses he found and starts drinking himself to death. Luckily, he is in a pub with some of his old naval crew who try to convince him to “get back out there.” Solomon dismisses them, but is thankful they stick around because after he escapes an attack and crucifixion by the possessed skinheads, he rounds up the soldiers and head towards the castle where the head demon is hiding out (which happens to be Solomon’s home before his dad kicked him out).

I guess you can go home again, because Solomon is able to sneak into the castle and starts fighting the black-eyed guards and going after the Malachi’s right hand man. Bummer again, he finds out it is his slightly immortal brother who Solomon had thought died when they were younger (Solomon’s fault). Using his “buckle power” I assume, he is able to get stabbed but still kill his brother (for realsies this time), the mirror demon, and the sorcerer demon Malachi that was controlling and ruining everything for everybody. He’s also able to rescue Meredith because he really, really needs his soul back.

The final scene is Solomon talking to the grave of his father and brother, promising that he will probably have to fight again but this time it will be for good. I’m not too sure why he cares about these two so much. His father kicked him out when he was a kid and his brother was a big jerk-face. Maybe it was the Pilgrim hat talking, but God and family and forgiveness seem to be his main reason for going on to murder more people. I can’t wait until he finally gets to America.