Category: 31 Nights of Horror – 2013

Day 21, 2013 – Trollhunter

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Trollhunter

“Trolljegeren” (original title)

2010

troll

I wanted to make sure I saw at least one foreign horror movie in this month and the one I picked did not disappoint. This movie is awesome, but make sure you enjoy reading before you rent it, because it is entirely subtitled.

The movie is another example of “found footage” genre but unlike the other films, this one was actually meant to be a documentary. A group of film students from Vodel College in Norway arrive at the scene of a group of hunters discussing recent “kills.” (This is a good time to interject that people go to college for free in Norway, which is why they are able to afford expensive camera equipment). The hunters who all look like they could have their own Discovery Channel show, tell the kids about seeing a poacher who is killing bears. Through some form of campsite connection, they find out the poacher is staying nearby.

I don’t know much about Norway, but these kids are really excited to get a documentary about a loner poacher, and not at all scared of someone whom others describe as a loner poacher. They find his trailer and wait for him to return from his nightly hunting trip. He returns in a badly scraped up Land Rover with all sort of defensive attachments. Obviously this is not a regular hunter by Norwegian standards. Or even Discovery Channel standards.

He is at first resistant to the college kids, as most bearded mountain men are. However, after they secretly follow him one night and then get attacked by an unknown beast, he figures the stupid kids deserve an interview or two. Especially after their pathetic little car gets destroyed by the same beast that attacked them, the Land Rover is the best thing going for them.

We come to find out that the hunter, Hans, is just a overworked, disgruntled government employee. The Norwegians hired him several decades ago to kill the not-so-mythical trolls that have escaped into the mountains and valleys of Norway. Apparently there has been a troll reserve for several years, but lately more and more have been breaking out and risking killing people and ruining the Norwegian government’s perfect tourist record. On top of protecting an entire country, Hans also has a pain in the ass boss, who is constantly up his ass about his job. Hans basically tells the students that he’s done and hopes their movie will make people realize that trolls exist and he can finally retire.

Obviously the students are skeptical until they actually see a troll. Now for those who aren’t familiar with trolls or Scandinavian fairy tales, here are some facts I gained from this movie:

  • Trolls are very diverse, ranging from one to several heads, with different body types and levels of body hair.
  • All trolls smell terribly.
  • Trolls HATE Christians. Even Christian music.
  • Trolls LOVE goats, but mostly eat rocks.
  • Trolls can’t process sunlight. The younger ones explode, the older ones turn to stone when exposed.

As Hans go about slaying trolls while the students document it, we find out that he has an affinity for the creatures he chases all over the mountains. However, his respect of the beasts can’t save them when they go into a troll den and the trolls return home for the night and it ends up looking like a scene from “Fraggle Rock.” Unfortunately the students and Hans get stuck in the den and we find out the camera man is a Christian and the trolls can somehow smell that on him. He’s doomed, but luckily the camera still works!

The students hire a professional camera woman to take over dead Christian guys job. She is Muslim, but neither Hans nor fairy tales know if that is offensive to the trolls. “I guess we’ll find out,” Hans shrugs as they pile into the Land Rover to chase down the biggest or more terrifying troll who has been stomping over the hills for several days, yet no citizen has reported seeing a large beast. Norway sounds like a place that ignores the terrifying which is probably why they are voted the happiest places to live on earth by non-Americans.

Just as Hans is about to close in on the monster troll, he finds out that there has been an outbreak of rabies among the trolls, which is why they have been acting so erratic and aggressive. As opposed to normal trolls who are calculated and calm, I guess. This poses a problem to Hans, as well as the kid who was attacked the first night. Now he has all the government’s secrets AND a case of rabies. There is no way this kid is going back to normal life at free college.

Luckily Hans is able to kill the monster troll, but not before realizing he is never going to be able to retire and collect pension like a normal government employee. He’s just too damn good at his job. So instead, he bounces, leaving the students, the Muslim who never questioned the whole troll idea, a seismologist they found on the side of the road, and the finally non-working SUV. He heads back into the mountains, most likely to start a life as a Land Rover salesman.

Day 20, 2013 – Murders in the Rue Morgue

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Murders in the Rue Morgue

1971

rue

I’m still not sure how they were able to get away with calling this movie Murders in the Rue Morgue. It actually should have been called Phantom of the Bad Play. It is way more about a caped man stalking some folks then a monkey murderer. But I’m getting ahead of myself on this terrible movie. Let’s start with the beginning.

A theater troupe with French names does a nightly stage version of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Murders in the Rue Morgue.” The original short story is about the investigation of the death of two women who end up being killed by an escaped orangutan and covered up by her sailor master. Obviously, this wasn’t fun enough for the theater group so they make it about a mad man who tortures women and has a pet gorilla who ends up breaking out and saving the woman and killing the mad man in the end. Oh you silly French.

Now of course, this is a horror movie, so something beyond bad producing has to happen. The leading man in the movie (and on stage) is played by Jason Robards, who is slightly creepy to begin with, so he’s got that going for him. His much younger wife, Madeleine, is his opposite in the play, and keeps falling asleep on stage every night. She has a recurring nightmare of a masked man chasing her through someone else’s house with an ax. Obviously, this makes her a terrible actress, but no one seems to care. On this opening scene, we find out the actor who plays the monkey has been murdered after acid is thrown in his face. It’s unsure if the acid actually kills him, but that doesn’t seem to matter. The “acid thrown in face” is the number one focus of the investigations.

We come to find out that there was a love triangle between Jason Robards character, Cesar, and two others: Madeleine’s mother (Mrs. Madeleine? – they never say her real name) and Cesar’s partner of the theater troupe, Morat. Morat “accidentally” had acid thrown in his face during a stage performance of what seems like another butchered Edgar Allan Poe story. Madeleine’s mom still loved him even though he thinks he is undeserving of love due to his ugly face. She assures him that she “hates handsome men” (which I think is code for “gay men”) and will love him for ever. Unfortunately, Madeleine’s mom loses her head and Morat commits suicide, which makes Cesar look very suspicious, but the police don’t seem to look at him, persumebly because he is a “handsome man.” Stupid French.

More murders begin to happen with the same pattern: acid thrown in the face of someone who is close to Cesar. I don’t even know where people are getting all this acid in the late 19th century, but maybe the French have it manufactured in a fancy warehouse. I didn’t read all of European history. Either way, people are scared, but not scared enough to stop going to the play where all the actors keep getting murdered or hang out in the streets at night.

Not surprisingly, the semi-nude masked man (the mask is semi-nude, not the man) with a cape is the “back from the dead” Morat. He has come to seek revenge of everyone who wronged him. Which actually just ends up being Cesar. The others he just kills for practice. Or fun. You can’t really tell. Morat also has a midget sidekick whose main job is to creep out Madeleine and slow clap at appropriate moments.

In the very slow ending, Cesar tries to kill Morat for real this time, but instead just angers him more. He hypnotizes Madeleine to find out what really happened to her mother. It was actually Cesar who beheaded his beloved, because why not. If you can’t have her, no one else should be able to look at her head. Now that Cesar has finally admitted this, it is now his turn to lose his head at the hand of Morat and his slow-clapping midget.

Madeleine goes back to work as a terrible stage actress (because if you can’t be good, you might as well show up), and of course Morat isn’t satisfied with his beloved look-alike running around France. He attempts to abduct her, which doesn’t work because he tries while onstage in front of hundreds of people. He then tries running away from the police through a street carnival, but that just leaves the police confused. He ends the chase back in the theater, tormenting Madeleine and chasing her all over the building. In the end, he falls off the catwalk onto his ugly face.

Madeleine thinks she is now safe. Her murdering husband is dead. Her stalker is stage splat. Her job seems to be safe. However, the last scene proves she is never safe. Not as long as there is a wandering slow-clapping midget running around. Never.

Day 19, 2013 – Paranormal Activity 4

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20132 Comments

Paranormal Activity 4

2012

para4

If you’ve never seen the Paranormal Activity movies then you probably shouldn’t start with this one. Just like a teenager, you’d be confused and frustrated. Who is that woman? Why are these children so creepy? How does her hair stay so perfect? Why are people always attracting weird shit in the suburbs?

If you absolutely refuse to see the Paranormal Activity movies, but still like reading my reviews, then I will give you a recap of what they consist of. Firstly, it’s part of a new genre called “found footage.” Presumably we are watching what future murder investigators are watching, after an extensive cut of weeks and weeks of continuous footage from webcams to security cameras to video cameras to camera phones. All of this is made possible because the people in the Paranormal movies are fairly rich and therefore have access to this technology, as well as servers to save everything. That’s where the first suspension of belief exists. It’s not really a documentary, even a fake one, because the filmmakers never intended to make it as such. It was just a bunch white people who started recording everything because why not?

All the Paranormal Activity movies are connected by one story line. A woman and her sister come from a long line of witches, although they may not realize (or accept it). Generations ago, the family made a deal with a demon to give the family wealth and riches. The only payment was the first male heir. Typical demons. Greedy for children. Somehow (or through the power of abortions and infanticide) there is no male heir until present day. Demon is ready to collect, and if he has to possess or kill a few folks and pets along the way, he’s going to do it. Hell, he really is just doing his job. Satan is a task-master.

The first date of the movie is November 1, 2011. How easy: “The Day of the Dead.” I mean if you’re going to start a horror movie on any day of the year, definitely make it this one. Pagans, witches, Catholics, Latino Catholics, everyone loves this date. Halloween is the date that opens the door to the dead. November 1 is when you close the door and see who got out. And the day to find your cat, who you know someone let out accidentally.

This film focuses on the young male heir, who has unknowingly been adopted by what seems like a typical American family: alcoholic parents who don’t love each other with an unsupervised yet sheltered daughter. We never know how little Hunter/Wyatt got to the family, but I’m going to throw it out there: adoptive parents made a deal with a back alley demon and lawyer.

The little boy starts hanging out with Robbie, a super creepy kid from across the street. The daughter, Alex, and her boyfriend, Ben, start to notice the oddities of this neighbor boy, especially the fact that he wears socks with sandals. I mean, that IS the look of psychiatric patients, and being on a 7 year old makes it even worse. So Alex and the boyfriend do the things any typical teen couple would do: set the laptops in the house to full-time surveillance mode.

This was done in the other movies, but a fun little technology was added in this movie: X-Box Kinect. If you don’t believe in technology or haven’t seen TV recently, the Kinect is a motion sense input device that sends out laser signals throughout the room and people standing in the range can interact with the games on the console. However, the teens figure out (probably through Instagram or Wikipedia or something) that when you turn a camera to “night-mode” (favorite of amateur porn stars and ghost hunters), you can see the Kinect laser dots, which illuminate people (and other beings). We all know where this going.

Alex and Ben review the recordings and see someone or something breaking the Kinect dots, as well as other changes in light and motion. During this time, Sandals Kid comes to stay with them because his mother is taken to the hospital. Of course, Alex tries to warn her parents but they are too angry at each other (or drunk) to listen to her. So Alex continues to record her entire family without their knowledge, capturing all the activity, which steadily increases as the movie goes on.

Adopted Kid and Sandals Kid are now best friends, but in a way that you can tell they could convince each other to do anything. We start to learn that Robbie’s mom is the woman from the first Paranormal Activity movie (like no one saw that coming) and she has moved to this very nice suburb so she can conjure the devil in a nice neighborhood with plenty of driveway space for all her witch friends.

The coven wants Adopted Kid back, which doesn’t make any sense. Why did they give him up in the first place? You could have killed him plenty of times prior. You’re in Nevada, the national state of getting rid of bodies. Guess I shouldn’t hate the demon player, hate the demon game. They steal him back, killing everyone else along the way. Except the cat. Presumably because the cat will get a spin-off in Paranormal Activity 9 Lives.

Day 18, 2013 – It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20132 Comments

It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

1966

pumpkin

Although this film is only 25 minutes long, it really says a lot about society and the terrors that children experience when they try to fill the void left by psychological trauma due to absent parents. Well, that’s one theory. The other theory is that out of chaos, people create religion to better understand the world around them, despite logic and reason telling them otherwise.

The film begins with children of a small American town getting ready for Halloween. First, the character of Lucy murders a pumpkin and carves a childlike view of a face into the empty corpse. Her brother is mortified, but not damaged (yet) enough to go outside and destroy a pile of leaves that the character of Charlie Brown has spent hours toiling over. Lucy enters the scene again, promising an innocent game of “kick the football.” Charlie Brown has trust issues due to Lucy hurting him before. He finally agrees on Lucy’s empty promises and just as expected, the proverbial and literal football is torn out from under him. Lucy claims legal protection and is free to go about and inflict pain again.

The typical plan begins to unfold which includes trick-or-treating and a subsequent Halloween party to follow. Even the character of Charlie Brown is excited for such a plan to unfold, without any pessimistic outlook. However, Lucy’s brother and Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, has other plans.

Linus begins to unveil his delusion of “The Great Pumpkin.” With a basis in Christian all-giving and all-forgiving entities, coupled with Wiccan and Animism ideals, the idea of “The Great Pumpkin” emerges. Linus believes by writing a letter in his own handwriting (not sure if own blood is involved) and then putting the letter into the universe, it will conjure a giant pumpkin to animate and bestow upon Linus and all other believers an abundance of gifts.

While many do not believe Linus and many even mock him, there is one weakling who agrees to follow Linus on his mission to prove all wrong: Sally. However, Sally’s motivation may have been rooted in lust, as she fervently agrees that Linus is her soul mate. She follows Linus to a rural pumpkin patch to await the arrival of “The Great Pumpkin.”

While this is going on, the other children in town participate in the “secular” aspects of Halloween: costumes, trick-or-treating, parties, even taunting others (Linus). One lone character, Snoopy, however does not participate and instead reenacts his WW I dogfight with the elusive “Red Baron” and ending up behind enemy lines. He crawls his way back to civilization, eventually reliving the tragic moments through a series of musical pieces by Schroeder. Snoopy’s tragedy has lead him down a path of atheism, therefore rejecting any sort of religion or religious-based traditions of the holiday.

The Halloween party disbands and everyone heads home. Including Sally, who has grown impatient and rejects the idea of “The Great Pumpkin,” leaving Linus in the pumpkin patch alone. He stays out all night, never witnessing the miracle. At 4am, his sister, Lucy, finally becomes compassionate and brings Linus home, tucking him into bed. She will never fall into his delusions, but will still make sure he never does anything to harm himself.

The next morning is full of disappointment in the air. Charlie Brown’s first trick-or-treating experience was met with rejection and lack of any sufficient “treats.” Linus is dejected that his “messiah” never came. However, he reinforces his belief and says he will try again next year. The only positive outcome is that Linus will never participate in the candy-grabbing such as other children, therefore sparing him a lifetime of obesity, tooth decay, and diabetes.

Day 17, 2013 – Night of the Comet

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Night of the Comet

1984

comet

This movie is so 80s, I should be being born instead of watching it. First of all, let’s start off by learning that the original working for this film was Teenage Mutant Horror Comet Zombies. So right there you know you won’t be seeing any Oscar-worthy performances. And the entire cast stands and delivers as such.

The movie begins with news reports of a comet that will soon be passing through earth’s orbit, promising a spectacular light show. In as such L.A. fashion, parties are planned around the city (on rooftops of course). Except for a few squares who decide being underground is more important. Through “math,” some of the film’s fans figure out the date is Friday, December 13. This movie is should be called Camp Squared.

The main character is Regina, a high school Valley Girl senior who works in a movie theater. She also uses her time in the theater to get all the high scores on a arcade game and bang her boyfriend in the projection booth. She was lucky she wasn’t fired before this, because the projection booth ends up saving her life.

When the comet passes by, it ends up releasing a radioactive dust that disintegrates every living thing. Well, mammals and people. Trees stay. Not sure about fish. Can’t say one way or another for people in airplanes. However, since Regina is getting it on (or “making it” as apparently in the 80s called it) with her boyfriend, they end up staying in the steel and lead projection room, therefore protecting them from any fallout. Score one for whores! That never happens; the “whore” is usually the first one to go.

Unfortunately Regina loses her boyfriend almost immediately to the appetite of a non-Thorozine patient zombie. In fact, these zombies are quite lively, a nice break from the shuffling zombies we normally seen. The moaning/slurping sound of their undead mouths is the same though. Good to know some things never change.

Regina runs home to find her younger teen sister, still alive. Still annoying. And still self-absorbed. It takes the sister, Samantha, quite some time to grasp the reality of the situation. And she never really does. The two overhear a still working radio, and figure someone must be playing music, because payola is a bitch to get out of.

However, the only thing they find at the radio station is a Latino trucker/drifter with Erik Estrada hair. The actor wasn’t Erik Estrada, but that would have been awesome. The girls find out the only reason he is alive and not a zombie is because he was ALSO banging (sorry, “making it with”) a girl in the back of his steel truck during the comet. Unfortunately, his one-night stand was zombie breakfast and he headed towards the radio station for the same reason the girls did – to find out who keeps requesting “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

Total bummer! The radio station was just a tape deck on a recorded loop in what looks like a discarded gay night club. The trio tries to reach out through the airwaves to see if there are any non-zombified hotties out there. They get a call, but it is from the square scientists who hid themselves underground during the radioactive shower.

Now these scientists seem like they would be the bad guys. But actually, they were just the idiot victims. They accidentally left the air vents open during the comet passage, and everyone underground was exposed to the “grody to the max” red dust. So instead of just saying “whoops” and dying with dignity, they send out troops to gather up any survivors with still-pure blood to create a serum (or is it anti-serum, I can never remember) for everyone still living in their still very exposed underground bunker. I don’t even leave my windows open when it looks like rain on Friday, how did these “geniuses” make such a mistake?

But that’s moot, because when the LA trio ends up the bunker, it’s all about kicking ass and lighting things up with dynamite and gasoline (not sure why they needed both, but then I forget people like explosions). They are able to escape the clutches of the now zombie bunker and head back to L.A. with two other survivor children. They are now a “family.” The type of “family” that will need to repopulate the earth.

Ewwww! Gag me with a spoon!

Day 16, 2013 – Burn, Witch, Burn

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Burn, Witch, Burn

1962

burn

Whenever I hear the phrase, “British thriller,” I normally think, this is going to be so boring because I won’t understand what they are saying and they always have dramatic scenes in cars on the wrong side of the road.

However, this thriller about a successful sociology professor with an oddly jittery wife is not boring at all, although they do drive on the wrong side of the road. I mean the movie starts with a blank screen and a voice casting an incantation on the audience to protect us from the evil spirits in the film. Way better prologue than “reading” things.

The movie begins with the professor, Norman teaching a class about the dangers and importance of debunking myths, witchcraft, superstitions, and homemade potions in the face of legitimate medicine and science. Most of his students are enamored with him during the class, but there is an especially annoying blonde suck-up who you can tell has a crush on him. This sounds awfully familiar to lots of other horror films, but this girl is definitely going to be more trouble than she is worth.

The movie continues with Norman talking to another colleague about setting up a bridge game that Friday night. Nothing sounds more like an event that needs some form of sorcery to happen then a game of bridge. This is where I thought the movie was going to be boring.

The next scene shows the colleague, named Lindsay and his wife, Flora (who also works at the college) along with his sister (maybe mother, it’s hard to tell in these black-and-white movies) who starts complaining about how terrible Norman and his wife are. Flora seems to give them the benefit of the doubt. Lindsay ignores it. But the angry woman keeps yammering on about how untruthful and terrible this couple is.

Doesn’t stop them all from attending a bridge game at the house. They all keep making jokes about “good luck charms” and “witchcraft” and Norman’s wife, Tansy, keeps giving knowing looks. As in, Shit, I’m a witch and my cover’s been blown, so I’m just going to pretend to be neurotic and crazy about this awesome bridge game we’re all having. You all know that look.

As the movie progresses, Norman and the audience slowly start to discover the extent of Tansy’s obsession with her “protective witchcraft.” She goes to their beach cottage to practice her skill which she has been honing for the past two years. It began when her husband had an accident on a vacation in Jamaica. They never really say what kind of “accident” but I’m going with wake-boarding and cock-fight gone wrong. Tansy states that the good professor was at death’s door, and although she didn’t ACTUALLY promise to trade his life for hers, she started thinking about all the good things she could do with her skills.

In Tansy’s mind, she was responsible for all of Norman’s success and advancement at the college. Which is odd, because his success comes calling witches “crazy” and superstitions “neuroses.” Obviously, Tansy doesn’t see the irony. However, Norman doesn’t see the connection when bad things start happening to them as soon as he makes Tansy burn everything “witchcraft related” in the house.

First, he is accused of rape by the love-struck blonde student, after she makes an obscene phone call to his house. His cat starts acting weird. The blonde girl’s boyfriend pulls a gun on him. His wife won’t listen to his boring lecture tapes. Then she leaves him to go kill herself. On his way to stop her, he gets in a car accident, but is unhurt, just delayed on his trip to stop his wife’s suicide mission. He finally arrives at their beach cottage, but can’t find her. Luckily for him, through his years of trying to discredit spells and charms, he is actually able to stop his wife by using spells and charms he studied so hard. Oh British irony, you’re hilarious.

Now “Catatonic Tansy” exists, though. Although less twitchy then regular Tansy, Norman doesn’t know what to do with her. Thankfully, a demon voice comes through and tells him to take her home. Norman happily and stupidly obliges, because as soon as he gets her home, she tries to kill him. However, during her “Snapped” moment, Norman notices that she is limping, just like his colleague Flora from the college.

Norman runs to the college to gather up evidence that he isn’t the crazy one now. He breaks into Flora’s office who of course isn’t far behind. You don’t take over someone’s body without knowing a thing or two about their whereabouts. When Norman confronts her, she just cackles (literally) then starts lighting some cards on fire and playing Norman’s extremely boring conference speeches over the intercom. Norman goes bat-shit crazy and starts running from the building. Then, things get interesting. Flora sics her stone eagle on him.

I don’t want to give away the ending, but let’s just say eagles are bad-ass and we should be proud that they are our nation’s freedom bird. As in, freedom from persecution of religion! I don’t want to say the moral of the story is, Witches be crazy, but seriously every woman in this movie is a certified nut-job by all clinical standards. And when you get a bunch of crazy women together trying to out-do each other, you get high school and this movie. Which are both scary enough for me to need another horror film break.

Day 15, 2013 – The Haunting

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20132 Comments

The Haunting

1963

haunt

I think abandoned old houses and me don’t mix. Maybe growing up with a contractor father I have something against slanted doorways, inconsistent hot water pressure, sunken foundation, bad lighting, and terribly warped wood that makes me sick to the stomach. I’m going to blame my fear of The Haunting on that.

Since I’m terrified of this movie, let’s start with the cast:

Dr. John Markway – crazy anthropologist with a sweet mustasche who wants to investigate a haunted house

Eleanor “Nell” – homely woman who has been taking care of her now-dead mother for 11 years that desperately needs a vacation

Theodora “Theo” – more attractive woman who claims, and then demonstrates her psychic powers; lesbian, definitely attracted to Nell

Luke – Semi-heir to the house, only there to make sure it still has selling power

The Dudleys – A local couple who is obviously into something freaky that they would decide to be the caretakers of this ghost house

Grace – Dr. Markway’s wife, who is obviously there to make sure the good doctor doesn’t have sex with his “assistants” in the name of “science”

The doctor invites a select group of people to endure a long weekend with him at a supposedly “haunted house.” We know it might be haunted from the 10 minute long prologue that explains the death of everyone who died there. Seriously fucked up shit, but enough to make the house uninhabitable? Welp, we’re about to find out.

First off, let me tell you this movie is in black and white, but produced in a time when color film was more than readily available. So right there, you got your creepiness. Second, you actually never see ANYTHING. No shadows, no figures, no goblins under the bed or ghouls in the closet. No actual special effects were necessary because they have sound, camera angles, and reaction shots. The good ol’ days, when you made the audience think they might have a mental disorder! Fun!

In the end, the main character dies (won’t tell you who because it was a weird scene and I don’t want to relive it) by some form of paranormal activity. Everyone basically looks back at the house and says, “Nope” and then bounces. Is it a satisfying ending? Hell no, but I literally would’ve taken any ending at that point because it was definitely two hours of my life that I will have nightmares about for weeks.

 

Day 15: They still don’t know I’m a scared kitten in wolf’s clothing…

Day 14, 2013 – Orca

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Orca

1977

whale

You would think at first glance that this horror movie is just a Jaws rip-off, meant to scare people who were just getting up the nerve to go back in the water. You would also think that this is a ridiculous revenge movie with a premise with no basis in scientific proof. You would lastly think that Bo Derek’s debut film role would not have a spectacular death scene. And you would be dead wrong. Killer whale dead wrong.

The movie begins with Captain Dolan, played by Richard Harris (the first Dumbledore, RIP), shark fishing off the coast of a small fisherman’s village. I couldn’t figure out if this is America or Canada, but that doesn’t matter. Terror exists in every country. While he’s fishing, a marine biologist diver (who inconsistently narrates the film) is doing research nearby. A shark comes upon the scene and starts to beeline towards the diver. Then all of the sudden, a killer whale comes out of nowhere and completely headbutts the shark, killing him. I don’t think the killer whale was being protective. He was just being an asshole.

Captain Dolan and his greedy crew witness this and now instead of sharks, they want killer whale carcasses instead. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know anything about them. Enter the marine biologist professor who is way too attractive to live in this shanty sea town. Anyway, she tries to explain to Dumbledore that these killer whales are more like humans than he realizes and should not be hunted since little is known about them.

Of course, the arrogant fisherman ignores her advice and heads out to sea. He really is no different then the stupid blondes who investigate the strange sounds in the basement. He immediately finds a pod and shoots. Unfortunately, he grazes the male he was aiming at and instead hits his mate. She doesn’t die immediately and instead tries to kill herself in the boat’s rudder because she is in so much pain. The crew finally pulls her carcass into the boat and of course she gives birth to a dead killer whale fetus. So gross.

Her mate, called Orca by everyone (really original), is so wrapped up in grief that he goes literally homicidal. He sinks boats in the harbor, he screams and howls and roars at Captain Dolan. He taunts him. He breaks a gas line and lights the town on fire. He breaks Bo Derek’s house and eats her leg. Just non-stop crazy killer whale tactics.

A now very drunk, sleep-deprived Captain realizes that in order to make peace with Orca, he must fight him on the whale’s territory. A wise Native American warns against fighting nature, the marine biologist tells him this is Orca’s revenge plan all along, and his other 2 crew members blindly agree to follow a crazy man pursue a crazy whale. All a recipe for disaster and death in interesting ways.

And Orca does not disappoint. He leads the captain as far north as possible, so they end up in the land of the icebergs, picking off crew members along the way. Orca pushes an iceberg towards to ship, inevitable crushing the wise Native American, and sinking the boat.

This leads to the final fight scene between the captain and Orca on a ice sheet. First the captain harpoons him, then Orca breaks through the ice to weaken the area. Finally Orca knocks over the ice sheet and throws the captains lifeless body onto a iceberg, finally killing him as he falls into the water to his death. All of this is happening, while the marine biologist stands there watching. She really isn’t very helpful, and I’m assuming she is just taking notes for her lecture.

The moral of the story is don’t fuck with killer whales. They will stalk, and taunt, and kill you. This movie didn’t make me afraid to go in the water. However, it DID make me afraid to go to Sea World. So score one for you, real killer monster of the sea. I promise to never kill your mates.

Day 13, 2013 – “The Walking Dead” Season Premiere Recap

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

“The Walking Dead”

American Television Program

walk

I was nervous to watch “The Walking Dead” when I first heard of it in 2010. Because of, you know, the massive amount of gore and other scary things. However, with a bottle of wine, I was able to binge watch the first season on Netflix and I was massively hooked. Since then, it has become one of my favorite TV shows. And last night’s season premiere episode just reaffirmed my addiction. And I only need one glass of wine to get through an episode now. Progress.

The Grass Is Getting Greener

Using Rick’s baby as a timeline, I gathered they moved ahead about 6-7 months since the end of last season. Rick is becoming a full-blown farmer, using the extremely fertile prison land to sustain his group and the additional group of refugees and wandering living people they found. The area around the prison has been reinforced and people go out every day to kill the walker weeds that gather against the fence every night. Seems like a redundant job but I guess it needs to get done. Plus they get to make cool killing shanks out of stuff lying around.

Daryl is still a bad-ass rock star and everyone in the prison treats him as such. Michonne is still a maverick, never staying at the prison for very long and riding horses like it was her life before the turn. Not sure where they got horses from, but Michonne would lay claim to it.

Weather Forecast: Raining Zombies

Even with livestock and gardens, the crew still needs to go on “runs” every once in a while. Daryl and Michonne, along with a few other members head to a nearby Costco-like store to get supplies. Unbeknownst to them, there are dozens of walkers and 1 helicopter on the water-logged roof. In a fun scene of zombie death, they start falling through the roof one by one, narrowly avoiding main characters, and chomping down on tertiary characters. Then the helicopter falls through the ceiling, ruining ANY chance of them getting 5 pound barrel of cheese balls.

Carol’s School of Hard Knocks

With more children in the prison now, the adults try to create a “normal” environment. There is discussion about a “storytime hour” led by Carol. Since it is for kids, adults never check on it. However, “storytime” is just a cover, of course, for Carol’s Lil Fight Club. Carl catches her and she begs him not to tell. Instead he just runs away. Carl’s good at just running away.

Rick Wants to Know Things

Now that he is no longer prime zombie hunter, Rick seems to have taken a more pacifist approach to life. He’s like MacGyver now; extremely crafty now, but doesn’t want to carry a gun anymore. However, now 2-legged Hershel convinces him it is best, keeping his children’s safety in mind. Rick heads into the woods to check on traps set for wildlife. He find a injured boar, but the girl from the Ring gets to it before he does. We find out quickly, she is not a zombie, but some sort of foreigner who has been living in the woods. She wants Rick to help her and her husband. Obviously there is something about her coal-miner face that Rick doesn’t trust, but he follows her anyways back to her camp. When they arrive, Rick discovers that this was a trap for him to become Clara’s husband’s dinner. Well, not her husband, just his hungry head. She ends up just giving up and stabbing herself in the stomach, dying as Rick asks her the questions:

“How many walkers have you killed?”

“How many people have you killed?”

“Why?”

I hope they keep asking people this throughout the season, and at least one person’s answer to the last question is, “Because people are delicious.”

Any amateur TV writer can see this scene was created to show Rick’s new outlook on life. There are things you have to do, but they need to get done. It still left a few unanswered questions. Is Rick going back to get that delicious looking boar? How did that lady survive by herself for so long? Did Rick get his sandwich back?

Michonne: Looking For Gov In All The Wrong Places

We find out that Michonne’s daily trips to nowhere are actually her personal manhunt for the Governor. She’s a determined young woman, and will probably not stop until she finds him, spends at least 20 minutes of an episode just staring at him, then subsequently killing him in some cruel, inhumane way. I’m thinking…throw him into a den a baby zombies who have little teeth so they just take small bites. But that’s just my imagination and brilliant writing skills talking.

Hungry Eyes

At the beginning of the episode, Rick notices a walker at the wall with bleeding eyes. This catches him enough that he sees him again towards the end of the episode. This is a thematic element meant to give us a hint as to what is to come. The end of the episodes ends with a new character, around Carl’s age, showing signs of a fever. He goes to take a shower, but ends up dying. The last scene is him opening his awesome new eyes zombie on the shower room floor. I have a feeling this new type of the “virus” is going to increase the contact lens budget by a couple hundred thousand dollars.

Side Bars We Have Learned From This Episode

  • New character is a medic and former alcoholic.
  • Tyrese is just not feeling zombies in any context.
  • Glenn is not ready to be a father, but also he is more afraid of a zombie baby eating his beloved.
  • Beth doesn’t cry anymore.
  • It’s a bad time to be a pig in Georgia.

Day 12, 2013 – Hocus Pocus

On By loweritupIn 31 Nights of Horror, 31 Nights of Horror - 20131 Comment

Hocus Pocus

1993

hocus

Just so everyone is aware, this is NOT the film adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut’s 1990 novel. So if anyone is here looking for information for a book report, then I feel sorry that no one has told you about Wikipedia or Google yet.

Hocus Pocus is one of those movies that Disney didn’t know what to do with. Make it a Saturday night Disney Channel release or show it in theaters? Beat children to death with commercials or beloved character merchandise? It’s really a flip-a-coin situation on a Friday afternoon decision for studio heads. I feel like this is director Kenny Ortega’s (dir: High School Musical, Newsies) MO: cult films with constantly refreshing nostalgia. There are at least 526 Buzzfeed articles about why this film is the “greatest movie in the history of all things that movies are.” Which I completely understand. It has everything:

  • Bette Midler singing
  • Choreographed walking
  • Bette Midler’s zombie boyfriend
  • Thora Birch crying in a heap on various things (hay bales, pumpkin patches, cat corpses)
  • A talking cat
  • Sarah Jessica Parker acting like an horny idiot (honestly, the only role she is good at)

It also puts in twists that you weren’t expecting:

  • Male virgin conjures the dead
  • The main character is the worst and you wish he would shut up and die
  • Bullies who are more sympathetic then the main character
  • High schools in Massachusetts have walk-in kilns (it’s a law)

The plot is so simple, but I’m beginning to gather that all horror/Halloween movies are just a re-conceived version of 10 films prior. Three sisters, who sold their souls to the devil to become witches, live in Salem in the late 1600s (ALMOST just in time for the Salem Witch Trials). They need children’s souls to look youthful. Fair enough. Snatch a few orphans, no one will miss them. Instead, they steal the sister of a very determined, but very adult British sounding adolescent named Thackery Binx. The witches steal the sister’s soul, turn Binx into an immortal cat, and then hang for their crimes.

Fast forward 300 years when a too-cool-for-school kid named Max moves to Salem with his family. No one ever really explains why they move there, but I assume it has something to do with the mom’s “party reputation.” Max is skeptical, but his younger sister (played by pre-American Beauty Thora Birch) believes in the legend of the “Sanderson Sister Witches.” With a girl from Max’s class (who looks 20, but I’m starting to think every teenage character in 90s films looked at least 25. I blame high-waisted jeans), they accidentally release the witches back to earth because Max The (cough:tool) Virgin lit a candle.

The remainder of the movie is the trio trying to escape the witches with the help of the immortal cat. I don’t want to ruin the ending, in case you don’t have children or are over the age of 65. However, let’s just say that Disney knows what they are doing. They even had PIXAR work on the special effects.

Some parts were a little gruesome (mostly the zombie ex-boyfriend), but nothing terrifying. The creepiest thing was that Gary and Penny Marshall played husband and wife. Come on Disney. Leave incest out of at least ONE of your films!