Category: 31 Nights of Horror – 2013

Day 11, 2013 – Firestarter

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Firestarter

1984

fire

I’m assuming since I have to watch at least 3 to 7 Stephen King movies for this writing experiment, I might as well start with a light one (I didn’t intend that pun). Firestarter is one of those films from the 80s that you watch and wonder how many drugs Drew Barrymore has tried yet. Also, the music reminds me of an episode of “MacGuyver.” I keep expecting Richard Dean Anderson to jump out of a hay bale to take down the little girl who lights bathtubs on fire with her mind. But I’m getting ahead of myself, and that’s just wishful thinking.

This film hinges on just one element of the horror genre: telekinesis. A man and woman are given a hallucinogenic drug under a test by a “secret” department of the government. This causes them to have telepathy and they fall in love together. They have kid (Drew Barrymore) who also somehow has mind control powers. Except instead of controlling people’s mind, she can start fires with hers. When we first meet her, the father is on the run and her mother is a dead. We find out they are trying to escape the very secret government agency. They want Drew’s freaky arsonist skills to build a bomb or something for them.

The “feds,” headed up by a skinny Martin Sheen, but really controlled by Native-American looking George C. Scott, finally catch up with the father-daughter freak show. They bring them in for testing to see what their mind-powers can do in a controlled environment. The father fails to really do much because he’s old and doped up. However, Drew is getting stronger with her laser mind. She can start pretty much anything on fire (cars, ice, hot cocoa, people, cinder blocks, etc).

In the end, Martin Sheen tries to send the father off to a remote island so he doesn’t interact with his daughter anymore. Fortunately, Dad and Daughter are reunited just in time for him to die and to tell her, “Just burn this mutha-fucker to the ground!” (in so many words). She obliges and burns down everything, included Indian George C. Scott, the entire secret government compound, Martin Sheen, a helicopter. But NOT the horses-she lets them go because she is a compassionate pyrokinetic.

Creepy children seem to be the stuff horror movies are made of. Especially Stephen King ones. I don’t know what it is, but a sociopath child is way more frightening then any monster or alien. In the end of this movie, Drew hitchhikes her way back to a farm, where a couple first helped her and her dad while they were on the run. Although the movie seems to end with a happy ending, something about Drew’s smile makes me think she is the going to light this nice couple on fire in a few months. Some people just want to watch the world burn. Or that smile was all the drugs she was on. Either way, typical 80s.

Day 10, 2013 – The Abominable Dr. Phibes

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The Abominable Dr. Phibes

1971

phibes

I never understood what the “camp horror” genre is. However, after seeing this film, I finally understand. I ALSO may just be saying this because I’m on a bucket-load of cold medicine right now (a bucket-load is what you have to take now since they took the good stuff out). If you’ve never heard of this film, let me give you the overview.

A world-renowned organist, named Dr. Phibes, loses his wife 4 years prior and has apparently spent that time plotting his revenge on the 9 surgeons who could have saved her. Unfortunately, he was also in a horrific car accident at the same time his wife died, rendering him “dead” in the eyes of the police. However, he wasn’t dead; he just turned into a horribly disfigured man who wears a Vincent Price mask when he goes outside.

About halfway through the movie, we find out that Dr. Phibes is NOT a doctor of playing the organ (albeit a creepy degree). Instead he has his PhD in theology, which explains his revenge: the 10 plagues that God cast upon the stubborn Pharaoh until Pharaoh finally said, “Fine. Go.” He begins to kill the doctors with boils and frogs and locusts. I won’t go into all the details, but it really wasn’t as gory as I thought it would be. Just ridiculous. And fun.

So here is the reason why it MAY be the best film I’ve watched so far:

1. Vincent Price.

2. Besides the organ, beautiful soundtrack.

3. Man impaled by catapulted unicorn

4. Vincent Price’s dancing.

5. Very well made wax effigies

6. Every death is accompanied with a lady playing a white violin

7. DID I MENTION THE MAN IMPALED BY A CATAPULTED UNICORN?!

The only thing that scared me the most was the final death scene which had “Over The Rainbow” playing over it. Vincent Price might as well have whistling it. In fact, if there is a movie out there where Vincent Price whistles a lot, I do NOT want to know about it.

Day 9, 2013 – “Ghost Hunters” Season Premiere Recap

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“Ghost Hunters”

American Television Program

ghost

For someone who hates horror and scary things, I LOVE “Ghost Hunters.” And just like the paranormal, there’s no true explanation for it. Beginning as a Syfy (back then it was Sci Fi Channel) show in 2004, a reality camera crew follows paranormal investigators as they travel to investigate alleged haunted locations throughout America. Through night vision, voice recorders, energy detectors, and a bunch of tools that were probably stolen from electricians, the teams are able to either capture or not the existence of other worldly entities.

I think it is a combination of the history, the science, and the fact that the teams don’t just chase shadows in the night. They actually try to disprove claims. And the are rarely scared of anything. Except spiders. Now of course, no one wants to watch an hour-long show where grown adults talk to the air, so the producers make sure SOMETHING shows up on their evidence.

I need to give props to several people who work on this show. First, the cameramen. Any cameraman who follows someone around for 12 hours into dark, possibly dangerous, definitely disturbing areas deserves a Nobel Prize. As does anyone who has to edit dozens of hours of footage to make it interesting. And not just video, the audio too, since the paranormal teams use both audio and video recordings on their investigations.

Tonight was the show’s fall premiere. In it, the team goes to a family’s home in Arkansas. The Southern ones are always interesting. Well, actually so are the Northeast ones. And the Coastline ones. Okay, all Americans with haunted houses are interesting. The family (self-admitted skeptics turned freaked-out homeowners) bought an early 20th century mansion with the hopes of fixing it up and not at all raising depressed spirits. However, these things happen, and they call in the “Ghost Hunters” to prove they are not crazy.

Through some investigation, the owners and the investigators find out that a woman who lived in the house waited for decades on a married man who never kept his promise. She supposedly committed suicide after her beloved finally wrote her a letter that said, “Yeah, I’m done. Never leaving my wife. Sorry about stringing you along for so long!”

Sad story, but was it enough to make her spirit haunt this family who looks like perfectly nice Americans just trying to renovate a haunted house? The investigators were also told of reports of  “doppelgangers” which are look-a-like ghosts who I assume exist to freak you out, but also there to take over your body. Even the paranormal investigators said, that’s a little outside even our realm of possibility.

The team was able to capture some voices and shadows, but nothing as substantial as I’ve seen in the past on this show. One of my favorite things about the show is how hard they try to make a claim “debunkable.” I like it even more when they say “debunkable” because it’s a silly word.

As one of my guilty pleasures, I will continue to watch this show until there is no more haunted places to investigate. I just hope the show lasts long enough that the investigators encounter a ghost who was a fan of the show when they were alive. Circle of (after)life.

Day 8, 2013 – The Call of Cthulhu

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The Call of Cthulhu

2005

cthulhu

First, let me explain Cthulhu to those who don’t know what it is. It is giant sea creature created by author and suspected (well, definite) racist H. P. Lovecraft. The description that is in the book and copied from Wikipedia is “A monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind.” Sounds like a thing backwoods folk would worship, which is where the movie eventually takes us.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. It should be noted that this movie only 46 minutes long, in black and white, and silent. Very retro, right? The post production black-and-white filter along with the precisely placed digital music soundtrack makes the film, well, weird to watch. Although, maybe that’s the point. It’s awkward. Like watching a friend’s movie at a small film festival you decided to attend because they offered free wine, but everyone there speaks with an “urban French accent.”

The story is interesting, I suppose. Especially if you’ve never heard of the Cthulhu following that has gained monstrous (pun intended) popularity since Lovecraft’s death. It starts with an institutionalized man begging another fellow to burn the work of his great-uncle. Through a series of flashbacks, we find out this man’s great-uncle was obsessed with this mysterious creature who haunts dreams of artists and possibly causes terrible things to happen in the world.

Through even FURTHER flashbacks of supporting characters we find out that Bayou Bumpkins (trademark pending on this one) worshiped this Cthulhu and offered human sacrifices to him through what looks like a pretty rocking ritual. Local cops and archaeologists try to break up the party and of course bring the idol of Cthulhu back to civilization. Never a good idea. Leave the crazy with the crazy.

The final encounter with the flying octopus is through a group of sailors who find an abandoned ship floating in the ocean and they decide to commandeer it. Abandoned ships are the creepiest of all vessels to find, I think, but apparently the sailors just think, “Sweet! Free boat!”

The abandoned ship brings them to an island where they find the very gross looking, but very large monster Cthulhu, who has been chillin’, waiting for the stars to line up just right. Then, it’s mind-clobbering time! Cthulhu basically makes the sailors go so insane, they jump to their deaths. I can only assume that Cthulhu likes the brains of the crazy, hence why the Bayou Bumpkins, overworked detectives, and crazy artists were prime prey.

The movie ends with the man from the beginning seeing visions of Cthulhu as he is taken away. The end.

The recent resurgence of “Cthulhu worship” is a fun deity to add to the mixture, when God is being too “wrath-y” and Satan just is being too much of a task-master (stop asking people to do you bidding, Beelzebub. If you want shit done right, do it yo’self). The movie definitely isn’t scary, because the effects are from 1926 and Michael Bay ruined imagination for us. It’s still a fun quick little film to watch around Halloween. And possibly Christmas too, if baby Jesus is being too needy for you.

Day 7, 2013 – 30 Days of Night

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30 Days of Night

2007

30 days

30 Days of Night is one of those films that I thought had an interesting concept, but never had the nerve to watch it. But that was before I determined I could watch anything for 31 days. Including a Josh Hartnett film.

According to this story, it took a few centuries for vampires to understand the earth’s axis and rotation. Now I’m not blaming this on the education system, because these vampires are obviously not American. Or attractive. They send a human scout (who desperately wants to be one of them…because of the benefits) ahead of their invasion to the northernmost American town in Alaska. He kills all the sled dogs (nooooo not the puppies!!!) and destroys the only other means out of town, a helicopter.

All of this happens right as the town’s population is cut by 2/3rds because they are heading into 30 days of darkness (polar night). Most of the women and children bounce, leaving the most manly of men to watch the town. And Josh Hartnett.

Hartnett’s character is the (co?)-sheriff of the town. His weed-smoking grandmother is the dispatcher, and his brother is…15. His ex-wife is a fire marshal for the state and she gets stuck in town, conveniently when she doesn’t make it to the airport on time. I think we all know where this horror story is headed: more little Josh Hartnetts.

I’m kidding, that’s cruel.

When vampires descend on the remaining citizens of the town, they somehow go for the jugular but the victim is magically able to scream while dying. (SIDE NOTE: Drinking game–sip every time you hear the Wilhelm scream). This sets up a frightening scene of Josh rounding up whomever he can and hiding out in places the vampires have already looked for prey. Because apparently, vampires tag where they have already been so they don’t go back. In this time, Josh also manages to grow his signature creepy hipster mustache that somehow made him a “heartthrob.”

The vampires talk to each other in what I can only describe as a mixture of Klingon and Velociraptor. Very annoying. They also don’t clean up, so by the end of the film, they’re still covered with their meal from the first day. Gross. I’m still very upset about the puppies.

The vampire deaths are gruesome, but kind of creative. I wasn’t exactly scared, but there were enough jump scenes to keep me on my feet. I won’t ruin the conclusion because it makes sense, but it was still a twist. The movie ends with a look from the main actress that can only be described as, “There WILL be a sequel and I probably won’t be in it.”

Day 6, 2013 – The Frighteners

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The Frighteners

1996

frighten

Even though I’ve never sat down to watch all of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, I still understand why people love Peter Jackson. His visions far exceed the special effects world he lives in, but he still tries to make it believable. And in the situation of The Frighteners, if he can’t make it believable, he’s going to make it so ridiculous with a story so entertaining, that you don’t care.

The film begins with what seems to be a poltergeist ruining the wallpaper and tripping people up on old rugs. So from the start, we know that we are not dealing with a lazy ghost. In fact, he seems a little ADD, not exactly focusing on one area of the house or the terrified woman’s body. He gets distracted, which is fine. He was human.

Michael J. Fox’s character enters as a con man who uses his talents to talk to ghosts as his way to make money. He employs spirits from the local graveyard to be his lackeys. While this is going on, the town is gripped with dozens of unexplained deaths since the explained deaths of a mass murderer 30 years prior. Even though the killer was executed, we soon learn that something keeps his death tally rising.

Fox’s character doesn’t really want anything to do with that. He’s just a grieving widow (of course) living in an unfinished dream house (metaphor) with no real prospects or hope for the future (obviously). Until he sees numbers on people’s foreheads who are about to die.

As a psychic telling the police who is about to die, even small time best friends get suspicious and sick the feds on you (and this was pre-9/11). An FBI agent who looks like Hitler with a Vitamin D deficiency is assigned his case. The agent, Milton Dammers, has become so paranoid from working undercover with occult and violent religious sects for so long that he is now afraid of women. This is apparently a side-effect of working in the paranormal for so long. Not sure what you’re digging at there, Mr. Jackson.

The movie continues with the introduction of ghosts with comedic relief, ghosts who get in the way, and ghosts who just want to kill everyone. So their world is pretty much the same as the living, except they never get to change their clothes. Of course in the end, the demon and his lover are sent to hell and the good spirits who remain can finally get some rest without some con man waking them up to make a quick buck.

It wasn’t a frightening movie, and the special effects were on par with Casper. However, this definitely falls in the sub-genre of comedy-horror (different from campy-horror, wayyyy different from satircal-horror). I doubt it would even come close to be an R-rated movie today. The jokes were funny for the sake of being funny, and the violence was ridiculous by the end. However, It was a nice reprieve in between my “Frighteners” of movies titles.

Shut up, WIB, I’m not even thinking about you…

Day 5, 2013 – The Woman In Black

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The Woman In Black

2012

black

Do you know what it is like to be scared of a live-action play? As in, you see or read a play, and then you have nightmares for weeks? Well, that would be me, in 2002 when I read and then saw “The Woman In Black.” It’s worse than a haunted house, because you know at least haunted house cast members are either teenagers or unemployed/transient salesman.

As I knew I would this month, I just scared the crap out of myself. The play, “The Woman In Black,” has literally followed me for years after I saw it. So why would I subject myself to the terror again 10 years later? Because apparently, I don’t like sleeping or having a low light bill.

If you don’t know the story, Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) plays a British solicitor (terrible sub-lawyer) who travels to a village that doesn’t have sunshine or dryness (as I assume most English villages do not, but that’s Hollywood). He is a grieving widow father who is sent by his firm to settle the affairs of the estate of a dead woman. The town acts weird towards him, which should have been red-light number one, but Harry Potter is so afraid of being fired from his job, that he will do anything to keep it. Unfortunately, this is subjecting the audience to 95 minutes of non-stop suspense (I think I pulled a muscle stifling a scream at one point).

This film has all the classic horror films aspects you would expect:

  • Creepy white children
  • Muddy and bloody white children
  • Victorian era white children’s toys
  • Lady dressed in funeral garb PISSED at the world
  • Harry Potter not having his wand on him

I watched it until the end, but only because I heard it was different than the play, and someone would call me out if I didn’t reveal it correctly. I won’t ruin the ending for two reasons:

  1. I don’t want every post to be a spoiler
  2. I’m afraid of thinking about the ending again

Now, I could go on for days how good Daniel Radcliffe was at his character or how the mise en scène portrayed the story perfectly. I could even gush over the simplicity of horror, and that is how most horror affects us: through our most basic fears. I could even applaud the dialogue for moving quickly in a play that often has too many long pauses for dramatic effect.

Fuck it, here’s a picture of puppies fighting with swords that I think we all need instead:

puppies

Day 4, 2013 – The Monster Squad

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The Monster Squad

1987

monster

Kid horror films should have its own genre, because kids are scared of the weirdest shit. The washing machine, the mailman, thunderstorms…wait, that might be dogs. Still, kids don’t understand mortality so they just base their fear on previous things they feared.

As a kid myself, I avoided movies that had these covers. Probably because I was scared of something I heard about children being forced into slavery by scary beings. Wait, that might have been Lifetime Movies. So up until last year, I didn’t even know this movie existed.

The story centers around the villain Dracula, who is tall, dark, and fabulous. His back-handed face slaps just resonate with the viewer as his signature style. While the first scene shows monsters in Germany, it’s hard to determine what year it is. The angry mob has shotguns and dynamite, but the sacrificial virgin looks like she came from a Heidi look-alike contest.

Fast forward a century to present day (which in this case is Reagan-era America). Germans are apparently still scary, bullies say “faggot” a lot, and the cool kids wear penny loafers and smoke cigarettes in school. A group of boys who call themselves “The Monster Squad” love to get together and talk about monsters. While this is all going on, Dracula somehow manages to rustle up his posse. They consist of your typical “posse” archetypes:

  1. The Mummy – does absolutely nothing, easily destroyed by the fabric that holds him together
  2. The Wolfman – begs for death from the beginning, gets “hit in the nards” by kids
  3. Creature from the Black Lagoon – the muscle, maybe; easily killed by apparently just not being near a black lagoon
  4. Women Vampire Trio – just around for looks and noise
  5. Frankenstein’s monster – probably Dracula’s best friend/minion, might had a little thing going on in the past, but that’s over with now; easily distracted by boobs.

The group isn’t very well organized, and Dracula is well skilled at explosives and driving, which makes me think he’s an impostor. A fabulous impostor. Either way the monsters chase after the kids who are holding a precious Van Helsing diary that gives information on how the evil world can take over the good. The kids are also carrying a disco ball ruby, which Dracula may be coveting for the night club he’s going to open soon: Transyl

The kids are smart. They know “monsters hate religious stuff” so they make sure they get to a church and have a Holocaust survivor with them (I’m serious). They use the little sister as the sacrificial virgin because the slut they picked up along the way was also a liar. They use Frankenstein’s monster to their advantage because they know he is of simple mind and well manipulated.

In the end, the monsters are sucked back into the swirling vortex of limbo where they will hang out for another 100 years until some cuffed-jean teens and 5 year old virgins decide to open the gates again. This is coming sooner than you think.

As in typical 80s fasion, there’s also a theme song which plays over the credits called “Rock Until You Drop.” Not since Ghostbusters, has a theme song launched a semi-professional singer into the stardom of semi-nostalgia. I checked on iTunes. It’s not there yet. You can buy it used on Amazon for $30 though.

Day 3, 2013 – Red State

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Red State

2011

redstate

I had never seen this movie or knew much about it, except that it was directed by Kevin Smith. So there is warning number one. Do NOT trust IMDb.com tags. Or movie posters. Or trailers. They are used by movie studios to get more people to see their films.

Now as most people who saw the trailer, I thought this was going to be a horror film with some action elements. Instead, it was more of a police procedural with some creepy exaggerated characters.

The movie starts out “horror-ish” enough. Dumb teenagers looking at boobies, decide to go drinking in the middle of nowhere to get boobies, then end up becoming the victims. But then, we get lectured by a crazy fundamentalist preacher who reminds me of a young Kris Kristofferson. I hope that’s the look he was going for. There is also lots of singing vaguely familiar but barely audible church hymns. So I guess there is another “scary movie” element there. Like voices of little children surrounding you with old lullabies.

However, then John Goodman enters the picture as the ATF agent who is going to save everyone he can. That’s where the “horror film” went out the window and I just stayed to the end of the movie to hear John Goodman’s monologues. Damn, that man is good at the one-sided conversation. If there was a hall of fame for monologues, it would be called “The John Goodman Museum of Words.”

The film ends with dead bodies, way too many kills shots to eye sockets, and me remembering from what movie I know Melissa Leo. I swear, that woman could live in my apartment room, and I wouldn’t know her from Adam if I saw her on the street. But she is darn good actress and made the movie pretty good with her convincingly Christian ways.

It’s not terrible, but it’s not a Halloween film. It’s just a John Goodman film. And that should be good enough for anyone.

Day 2, 2013 – Sleepy Hollow

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Sleepy Hollow

1999

sleepy

If you’ve never seen this movie, or heard of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” or have been living abroad with no connection to America, the story comes from a 1820 Washington Irving short story. It’s basically about a headless soldier who terrorizes the town until Ichabod Crane shows up. He’s an odd fellow, which means Johnny Depp is contractually obligated to portray him, as it is written in the Old Testament and Torah (I assume).

Tim Burton directed this movie, so right off the bat, you know you’re going to see some messed up shit. But this doesn’t even make the top TEN of movies that shows Burton’s inexplicably imaginative and WTF mind. It’s actually rather tame. When I first saw this film when it came out, I wasn’t even scared of the gore because the blood was so fake looking. Beyond that though, it is still a Burton film. And that means something different to everyone who knows what I’m talking about. And there’s a large scarecrow budget. That’s a given.

Christina Ricci plays the love interest/hell’s target. Burton’s obsession with leading women with wide eyes begins again. Is eye fetish a thing? Because I’m pretty sure he has it. Which is fine, I mean it would be the least of his weirdness, but just in case, I’ll stay away from him at parties. Now I have nothing against Christina Ricci, but why does she always talk like she’s in a terrible community theater version of an old play? Has she been in The Doll House yet. She should give it a try.

Johnny Depp just plays “1990s Johnny Depp Preparing To Eventually Be Jack Sparrow.” He does it well, and I had a drink every time he gave his “bemused, bewildered classic reaction face.” I was drunk at 22:04. You know the face:

depp

The movie strays from the original story immensely and immediately, and even involves Casper Van Dien’s oddly squared head to mumble 12 words before he is cut in half. Come on horseman, you can’t take a torso back to hell. Torsoless Horseman isn’t fun to say. There is a vast conspiracy within the town involving money and pregnancies and grudges that don’t make sense because a woman made them up.

The real villain is the step-mother of Christina Ricci who was a WITCH the whole time. Unbeknownst to her though, Christina Ricci is ALSO a witch, a fact which reveals itself to Depp while the entire town is hiding in the church. His reaction bugs me because he looks so disgusted. Dude, she gave you a spells and charms book she had hidden in her boobs the first time you talked. This shouldn’t be a shock.

The movie ends with Christopher Walken getting his head back and bringing the step-witch back to hell with him. Or Jersey. That tree portal could have led anywhere. It’s far from scary, because it’s so silly. However, it does give us a lot of new information:

  1. It is perpetual autumn in upstate New York. That’s just a fact.
  2. That horseman got a lot of head.
  3. If you find out everyone in your town is related, it’s time to get out of Incestville. It only leads to trouble.
  4. Covered bridges don’t make sense. They aren’t whimsical, they are creepy. And anyone who paints them should be evaluated and monitored.

I hope some bar in Sleepy Hollow, NY has invented a drink called “The Flying Flaming Pumpkin Head.” And if they haven’t, I just feel sorry for them.