2011

I will be the first to admit that I LOVE Ghost Hunters on SyFy. I can’t get enough of those people wandering around in the dark, talking to themselves, somehow not tripping over things, and still pretending they are alone even though there’s a camera guy RIGHT THERE.

However, after over a decade of watching the show, I’ve become both jaded and spoiled. Two wonderful things to take into having an objective approach to a film. The Haunting of Fox Hollow Farm was a choice based solely on the suggestion of Amazon Video. Now, I will have some harsh words for their algorithm because this movie both wasn’t scary, but also could cause seizures.

Whenever I see “documentary” next to a scary picture, I immediately imagine it is “found footage” and look forward to a bevy of old-school special effects and terrible acting. However, this movie is an actual documentary, with a camera crew, producers, sound engineers, and personal interviews.

It is only an hour long, but it felt longer. The editing is disjointed, the cameraman might have either been drunk or sobering up, and the plotline doesn’t really exist. Even though, this would have been a phenomenal story to create. Fox Hollow Farm was the site of one of the most brutal serial killing spree in Indiana late last century. A “not-normal looking in hindsight” man brought over a dozen gay men back to his estate, got them drunk and high, played that oh-so-fun party game of erotic-asphyxiation, and then proceeded to dump their bodies in his woods. When the police caught on in 1996, he crossed the border into Canada and killed himself. Or so they think. They found a body with a bullet, but no gun nearby.

THIS IS THE KIND OF STORY CRACKED.COM EDITORS DREAM ABOUT. But I was only able to piece that summary together by looking at Wikipedia and garnering context clues from badly edited news reports. Most of the film is jumping back and forth between paranormal investigators and the private investigator hired by the serial killer’s family to increase the value of the estate. Because letting a bunch of ghost hunters on your property is sure to attract those eccentric millionaires who can’t get enough of murder houses.

The “findings” are suspect at best. In fact, most of it just sounds like passing trucker chatter over CBs. If I ever go on a ghost hunt, the first thing I will do is sweep the house for a police scanner. The only true evidence of something evil lurking around is the reaction of the animals. Or the animals are just allergic to amateur filmmakers.

As someone who took many a film classes, I understand you sometimes have to work with what you got. And maybe this was just supposed to be a test reel they pitched to studios to see if they would be interested in funding money for a better project. Or just taking on the story itself and creating a big budget horror flick. I mean, it worked with Amityville Horror, can’t blame them for trying. Either way, you don’t need to watch this, unless you want to test out your new seizure medication. It’s better just to read the articles about this serial killer online. Who they couldn’t even give a good name: The I-70 Strangler. Come on, Indiana. Be more clever. You too, Amazon Video Suggester.

2015

The Witch, or subtitled VVitch: A New England Folktale, because Vs are scarier cause…vaginas? I’m sure they were trying to be old-timey but it got a little confusing when searching for information on this film. There’s also a lot of vaginas in this movie, too (spoiler alert).

The movie starts with, and continues to follow a puritan or pilgrim family that was banished from their plantation town in 1630s New England. Now obviously, analysis of The Crucible has been beaten to death (pun most definitely intended), so I wasn’t expecting any new insight about this time period, besides lack of political commentary.

However, this is where I was wrong, because right away the family decides to settle in a clearing near an extremely creepy forest. Because no one ever said banished Christians were smart. Here’s the thing that bugged me. Yes, I know 1630s New England didn’t have a TON of towns, but I feel like if you come along an unsettled (and unsettling) clearing near a generous brook, there may be a good reason. And that reason is black magic (different from the white magic the people in rich Hollywood Hills cults try to force on you).

Within almost months, bad stuff starts happening to the family. First their baby is snatched by a hungry lady who likes baby flesh. Then the mother toes the line of insanity. Then the twin children that are left start singing the most annoying songs, which makes the viewer want them to be impaled  by a goat. The father is lying to everyone, selling off their possessions to nearby Indians (who were super rude not to warn them about the coven living beyond the tree line). And the eldest daughter (Thomasin) is trying to keep everyone together, but has the sassy mouth. She also has temperament of a teenager, because contrary to popular belief, the bible can’t beat hormones out of you.

After the second son is possessed by the devil through a witch encounter, the mother and father go full blown crazy mode and lock up their remaining children in the barn. The unfinished barn I might add. Thomasin has to go through a few rounds of crazy before she finally ends up alone, basically waiting for the devil to show up. Like Waiting for Godot, but with a 14 year old talking to a billy goat instead of a human. And actually far less existential and depressing.

In the end, though, they were all probably high as fuck on ergot, a hallucinogenic fungus basically blamed for any “weirdo” behavior since Jesus’ time. They complain from the very beginning that the corn is bad, but still keep eating it. Again, banished Christians aren’t too bright. But that’s just “science” interpretation. You can decide on your own if black magic is real or just an excuse to get naked in the woods.

2016

I couldn’t NOT watch this move this year. It is scarily close to reality, which what makes it so terrifying. The time leading up to any presidential election can be a tense, divided time in American history, but this movie almost solidifies the feelings people have this year. In the film, there are two very divided groups: one who thinks the legalization of crime for one day a year should remain; and the other who think it is a reason for insurance companies to line their pockets and is basically sanctified genocide of the poor and inner-city residents.

If you haven’t seen any of the Purge movies, the concept is fairly dark. In order to bring back economic stability to a country (not MY America) that suffered from a crippling depression, a group of “New Founding Fathers” (read: old rich white men) designate one day a year (the vernal equinox) to be a night free of legal liability for all crimes that would be prosecuted any other time of the year. These crimes include, but not limited to: rape, burglary, vandalism, murder, attempted murder, torture, mask wearing when it isn’t Halloween, fireworks, and drones. If you are rich or an elected official, you are normally safe because you can pay for protection. I’m not sure if this means ALL elected officials like the coroner and dog catcher, but I assume that if you are a white man, you’re good to go. Just like in any society, real or imagined.

This is the third installment of the franchise and features a character from the 2nd Purge film, Leo Barnes, who has decided to turn his life around since the last purge and be head security for Senator Charlie Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell). The senator is running for president on the platform of eliminating the purges. Now obviously for the “New Founding Fathers ” and psychopaths in the country (which are not mutually exclusive), this ruffles some feathers. The senator poses a threat to both their pockets and their excuse to get off on torture and murder and mask wearing.

So of course in order to send a message to those hippies who want to stop tripping over bodies on March 22, the “New Founding Fathers” put out a hit on the Senator, making sure to infiltrate her security detail. Leo Barnes (who gives off some serious “Punisher” vibes) doesn’t want to see his only chance of non-murdering society to be taken away. He is the Senator’s only ally at first. Then along with a convenience store owner and his staff, they all vow to protect Senator Roan until the purge is over. Obviously, danger and shooting and bombings ensue, as a manhunt through the city of Washington DC intensifies.

Although the genre of this movie is more thriller than horror, it touches on some truly terrifying human behavior. The massive fear of a group allows for unreasonable and dangerous laws to be put in place without much objection. It touches on the fact that perfectly normal-looking humans are capable of horrendous things when there are no consequences. Also, Germans are never to be trusted. Maybe plan to watch this movie on November 7, and remember how many of your congressmen and senators and dog catchers could conceivably be put in the “New Founding Fathers” cos-play voting bloc.

2014

I promise I will get back to actual scary movies soon, but as soon as I found out this movie existed, I had to watch it immediately. Written, directed, and starring Jermaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords) and Taika Waititi, it is a mockumentary that follows a group of vampires for several months, as they share a house in Wellington, New Zealand. We discover that even vampires have domestic problems.

There are four vampires living in the house:

• Deacon the young, rebellious type; also nazi vampire; also has a familiar named Jackie that he promises to turn…eventually
• Vladislav, a bit older; the torturer and shapeshifter
• Petyr, 8000 year old scary one; even the other vampires tread lightly around him because of how cranky he is
• Viago is the dandy nagging vampire; went to New Zealand to follow a girl he loved but ended up bunking with the other three

In this universe, people know there are supernatural folks out there, but almost see it as a nuisance, rather than something to be feared. The vampires are able to roam freely at night, and more often get called “homo” more often than have a crucifix thrown at them. They still abide by vampire rules, and can’t enter nightclubs unless they are invited in. You almost feel bad about the discrimination they face.

After Petyr turns one of the vampire’s dinner, they have a new problem to face: a newbie vampire who wants nothing to do than tell everyone he’s a vampire and eat chips. The new vampire (Nick) learns the hard way he can’t be human again and being eternal is even more painful than being mortal, because you have to watch everyone around you die.

Nick has a mortal friend (Stu) he bring around to the house, but the other vampires have agreed not to eat him because they show him all the new technology and is cooler than Nick.

Eventually, Nick makes a rookie vampire mistake and messes up a lot of the household dynamic. This causes unrest among the other vampires as they try to go about their lives. The best line during this time was:

“Leave me to do my dark bidding….on the internet eBay.”

There are so many amazing lines in this movie that I need to watch it again in order to catch them all. It’s definitely not a kids movie, but definitely IS a Halloween movie for scaredy-cats. And real cats too, if they are allowed an opinion in your household.

2016

This movie is at the forefront of the trend of genre-bending. Or is it gender-bending. Either way, this film has a way of throwing curve balls at you that would not expect, but also keeps to a very simple message: love is better than not-love.

I read this book when it first came out in 2009, thinking I’d be on the cutting edge of knowing the next best YA trilogy. Take that, teens! Except while I was reading it, I found myself only reading it during daylight hours and having nightmares. Dan Wells has a way of writing that makes you say WTF! but also, OMGSoClever! at the exact same time. Needless to say, I didn’t want to read the follow up because I’m scared of my own shadow.

We open on a murder in a small town. But not just a regular murder (because there is a difference), but a “bizarre animal attack murder.” The main character, John Wayne Cleaver (HA! YA Subtly!) works in the town’s only funeral home (and LOVES it), so you know this kid is gonna be messed up from the very beginning.

John is a 15 year old diagnosed sociopath. He is called a freak at school, only has one other freak friend, has an absent father, and is constantly pissed as his mother for not understanding his morbid obsession with death. You know, regular 15 year old stuff. However, he is EXTREMELY smart and this, mixed with his diagnosis, is also extremely adept at identifying a serial killer when he sees one.

The only one who seems to understand what John is going through is his therapist. Who is also Irish. I don’t remember him being Irish in the book, but it’s possible that since this technically is an Irish movie even though it is set, shot, and stars America and Americans, the production company is Irish, and therefore they needed at least one Irish actor to make it legit?

The therapist never prescribes John drugs, he just offers that old adage that’s on Instagram pictures, “You are in charge of your own destiny.”  John of course knows this is bullshit. His sociopathic tendencies are in charge of him. He’s just not allowed to let them make him fear his actions. The movie actually does a very good job of differentiating between sociopath and psychopath. It also does a good job and explaining why although not all sociopaths are violent, some need to have rules to keep them in line or else they WILL become violent.

The town tries to get back to normal, but they KEEP having murders. Now unlike a normal town, they don’t bring in outside help and request martial law. I’m assuming it is because they are a Midwest town of libertarians who can take care of themselves. Unfortunately, there’s nothing in the libertarian book about fighting against the supernatural. Or maybe there is. What do libertarians think of aliens?

Another character in this film is John’s next door neighbor, played amazingly by Christopher Lloyd. However, it is also a reminder that Christopher Lloyd is getting old and possibly more crazy in real life, which is sad. Yet, his addition to this film just moves it along at the perfect pace. The viewer is in suspense, but not in the “something is going to jump out at me” (which is a cheap shot and an insult to audiences), but mostly because you don’t know how reliable the storyteller is. Which isn’t a new trope, especially to horror movies, but you can’t REALLY know for sure.

This movie is so new, it is still on the 2016 festival circuit, so it can only be purchased On-Demand at a slightly higher rate than most movies On-demand. You could probably also fly to the London Film Festival, but if you have that kind of money, I don’t know why we aren’t better friends. However, the cost is worth it. This is one of the best films I’ve seen in awhile, not even just this month. The ending is satisfying, but also a bit disturbing and makes you think. And even if you aren’t a teen trying to capture the forefront of a trend from 2009, the book is an excellent read too.

2013

I needed this movie after the last one. A little lighter. A little sillier. A little more Peter Dinklage.

The movie begins with a story about an ancient book that contained songs that inadvertently summons demons. It says it was lost for centuries, but obviously eBay has the market on evil, atrocious things. Have you ever seen their My Little Pony auctions?{shudder}

The first scene is what appears to be an ancient ritual that involves sacrifice and hoodies. We realize soon enough that it is a bunch of LARPers (Live Action Roll Players) reenacting a ritual in order to…actually, I have no idea what their end game is? Getting dressed up maybe? Either way, their “ritual” is interrupted by a bunch of douche-bag paintballers who are playing in the woods (because I guess there aren’t enough Washington State forest for everyone). The paintballers break up the party and send the LARPers running to their van.

However, on the way, one of the LARPers, Eric (played by Steve Zahn) drops the ancient book we saw in the animation at the beginning of the movie. One of the paintballers pick it up and it immediately attacks his face when he tries to open it. I don’t know why a book would attack a person’s face, but then again I don’t understand how people decide they are going to be a viking witch fairy on the weekends. When the book finally releases itself, it leaves an impression on the paintballer’s face. I’m assuming ancient ink doesn’t come off with lemon and water.

The Demonic Song Book somehow transports itself to Eric’s van while he’s driving. Now this is interesting, but also weird because they never revisit that part of its power ever again. If a book can transport itself, why the hell was it buried under ancient ruins for generations? It could have just leapt out of the ground at any time and into the hands of an evil witch or dictator. But instead it waited until this dude found it on eBay?

Logic aside (as I have started to do with all these films), we are introduced to Eric’s roommate, Joe (who is played by Ryan Kwanten AKA Jason Stackhouse). He is a doom metal loving mechanic musician. And his girlfriend is done with him. So in order to cheer him up, Eric and the other roommate Hung (played amazingly by Peter Dinklage), get him high and drunk and kidnap him to bring him to their weekend LARPing event (er, match? battle? meet-up? Not sure what these costumed sleepovers are called.)

After much coaxing, Eric and Hung convince Joe to stay. In order to “inaugurate” Joe into their pack, they of course put him in the middle of a pentagram and sing him a song. From, still unbeknownst to them, the demon book. So combined with stupidity of trying to pronounce another language you do not know, and the fact that Joe still have a picture of his ex-girlfriend in his pocket, they accidentally summon a demon that looks exactly like the ex. I hope they can get their deposit back.

The demon (sorry, succubus) goes around the forest devouring players until the lead characters finally realize what is happening. They try to sing ANOTHER song, which just makes the succubus into an even stronger, grosser demon, who attacks the rest of the LARPers, basically eviscerating an entire generation of nerds from Washington State.

After many failed attempts to destroy the demon (including cross-bow, shot gun, paintball, fire, and rocks), Joe comes up with the final solution: doom metal. He literally sings the demon to death. This scene is so silly, I almost forgot that hundreds of people don’t have their limbs or heads anymore.

And of course, the typical 6 month epilogue, everything is tied up nicely with Joe having a new LARPer girlfriend. This movie is only 86 minutes long, and I learned from some research that the director “disowned” the movie after he saw all the revisions, redistribution, and reedits. I didn’t even know that you could do this. But even if my movie came out like a giant Golgothan monster of poo, I would still love the little freak.

2015

Don’t you hate it when you are invited to someone’s house for a nice dinner party, and then in the middle of dessert, you are blindsided with a sales pitch for a pyramid scheme or Pampered Chef? Okay, now this movie is like that, except instead of trying to sell you a cheese server, they want you to join their cult? It’s super awkward and then turns into super disturbing.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a comedy set in the Hollywood Hills. It’s always a super intense movie or TV show. Maybe it’s because at any minute, people know their house will either be on fire or taken over by wild dogs. This movie follows that cliche of dark scenes and even darker dialogue.

A couple (Will and Kira), are going to Will’s ex-wife’s house for a dinner party they got an invitation to out of the blue. All of their friends have barely heard from the ex-wife (Eden) since the divorce and her subsequent one way ticket to Crazy Town with a side trip through Enlightenment. You can see where this is going.

We come to find out that the reason for the divorce was the death of Will and Eden’s 5-year old son. This provides some intense flashback scenes when Will is on his 8th or 9th tour of his old house. It’s a little tedious. Maybe he’s just trying to get his steps in before he realizes what Eden’s end-game is.

Besides their old friends, new cult friends also show up. And everyone watches a nice little promotional video about vacationing in Mexico, which slowly turns into a snuff film. And they haven’t even had apps yet. It’s going to be a long night.

The suspicions and the suspense continues to build until the host announces “Let’s play a game we learned at cult camp!” It’s a game about being honest to oneself. Because those are always tons of fun. I would be begging for Monopoly right now if I was at this party. And Monopoly makes feel violent tendencies and ill-will towards loved ones.

This is a fairly recent movie, so I don’t want to spoil the ending. However, it almost ends how you think it will. Or how Will thinks it will, but then there is a twist. A unnerving, stomach churning twist. Mostly because you could see it actually happening in real life.

Zombies are bad, but manageable. Demons can be clever but usually dealt with in equally clever ways. Ghosts don’t even have feet sometimes. Sharks and orcas can be avoided. Vampires are just ridiculous. However, damaged rich white people who just returned from 2 years in a Mexican orgy-resort should be feared. Always. In fact, if there is a way to put them on an endangered species list, it would be best for all of humanity.

1984

Stephen King is really good at making the innocent become un-innocent. Dogs. Cars. Children. Clowns. Actually clowns were always scary as hell. King just capitalized on a normal inborn fear. I avoided this movie for the same reason I avoided a lot of King’s movies: my fear of insomnia. However, it should be noted that this movie bothers me more than scares me. The logistics just don’t make any sense. If an entire town died (even a town in Nebraska), someone would get wind of it. Even before Twitter, at least one truck driver along his route would be like “Hey, why don’t I deliver to that town anymore? Ah well, they must have become self-sufficient.”

The narrator is a survivor of the massacre that ended up with the entire town’s adult population dead and enslaved kids following an Amish-looking child leader, Isaac. I would NOT have wanted to be in that casting call room looking for the creepiest child in America. Isaac’s right hand ginger, Malachi, who is also competing for top creepy murderer, does most of the bidding.

While the rest of the children seem to have gone along willingly with whatever Isaac is spewing (kids are dumb), the narrator and his sister aren’t having any of it, and try to figure out ways to leave without being murdered first. They are also on a time crunch, since everyone in this new world is murdered (sorry, sacrificed) on their 19th birthday. They didn’t seem to think this through that if you murder everyone on their 19th birthday, you’re not going to get any more children (of the corn). Unless teen pregnancy is rampant in Nebraska. But still, someone still needs to take care of the child until they get to walking and sickle-wielding age. Religious kids are dumb.

The real saviors come in the form of a couple, played by Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton (Vicky and Burt), who are traveling across the country for a new job. They are headed towards Seattle, where Burt has a doctor’s residency waiting for him. Here’s what annoyed me with these characters: if you are moving cross country, why is your car almost empty? Any other normal people would have it chock full of boxes. Are you gypsies? This already makes them suspicious. Doctors are dumb.

The couple ends up running over an already dead child who tried to get away from Corn-Town but was murdered by the cornfield, which is the second biggest killer in this town, after sickles. They realize something is up when they can’t seem to find anyone else in this town besides this dead kid and a gas station attendant who was spared in the massacre due to his access to gasoline, I suppose. The children of the corn end up murdering the gas station attendant (and his dog!) anyways against the wishes of the corn leader, Isaac.

Burt and Vicky eventually find the narrator and his sister and try to bring them to safety. They are chased by Isaac’s army and Burt gets stabbed but still able to run around for awhile, while Vicky gets kidnapped. Obviously they aren’t going to be getting to Seattle anytime soon.

Vicky is going to be sacrificed to the corn gods. Or actual god? Or a demon, who is also a self-plowing corn field. This is at the same time there is a revolt against Isaac, because some kids don’t like being told what to do. It’s now Isaac’s turn to be sacrificed. This scene’s special effects are so amazingly bad, it almost makes me forget that children are murdering each other.

In the end, Burt and Vicky defeat the corn field demon with a gas explosion and a nicely timed thunderstorm. So now they have two severely damaged children to take with them to Seattle. But since their car has been destroyed and full of child’s blood, they apparently are just going to walk the whole way there. People in King’s universes are dumb.

2014

This movie is so right up my alley, I should have been called Kate’s Movie. But it isn’t. It’s called Stage Fright. I can’t even. It has everything I love: Theater. Summer camp. Meatloaf with a mustache. Circular saws. Spontaneous singing. Spontaneous killi–oh wait, I don’t love that.

The premise is fairly simple: Woman with twins is the star of a Broadway musical that is, but not really is, Phantom of the Opera, gets murdered on opening night. 10 years later, the producer decides to revive the show (called Haunting of the Opera, in order to keep this movie budget at $3500). Except instead of Broadway, he revives it at an upstate theater camp (read: haven for miscreants, nerds, dorks, fairies, geeks, weirdos, creepers, dingbats, lispers, hot 27 year olds who pretend they are teenagers, fedora wearing rapists, etc). Of course, this invites back some bad feelings, and equally bad murdering.

The twins of the woman (played by Minnie Driver) are now ten years older and working at the camp run by Meatloaf (his character has a real name, but I don’t care). Meatloaf was also the producer and boyfriend of Minnie Driver. Gross. The twins (a girl, Cam, and a boy, Buddy) are the cooks at the camp. And they also seem to be literally the only employees there. Already, I’m calling OSHA.

When Cam hears of the revival, she wants to audition. In order to do this, she basically promises sexual favors to the audition coach. And to the director. And the gay stage manager. And possibly the janitor. Everyone knows that what show business is: Sex and Singing.

She gets the part, but as a swing. For those who aren’t fully engrossed in theater, a “swing” is who is scheduled to perform your part on your off-nights. Cam is quite good at the lead (legacy, since her mom originated it), but it is a basically a competition between the two girls (Cam and Liz) as to whom will open the show. Actually, it’s more of a competition of who can sleep with the director first. As if every male figure at this camp wasn’t already turned gay and fabulous.

Fast forward to the night before opening night, when the fedora wearing rapist director is delightfully killed with theater equipment. If any of you out there hate “theater kids,” you will be spinning over this movie. So much death in clever theater ways. Since Meatloaf is both in debt and also a greedy mo-fo, he tells everyone the show must go on. Which proves both deadly and ill-conceived, since the kids seem to die at important stage entrances.

In the end we find out the killer is actually Buddy, Cam’s twin brother and son of the murdered actress. He was seeking out revenge on Meatloaf for being the one to kill his mother because she was cheating on him. However, Buddy kills with circular saw blades that he carves finger holes in. This is ridiculous. What camp has this many circular saws that they wouldn’t notice 12 of the blades missing over the course of a summer? Home Depot probably loves serial killers. There’s probably a rewards card for them.

My internal monologue still stands – “Theater people are so fucking dramatic. They make me want to set myself on fire.”