- After reading this article about a 13-year-old who wants to climb Mt. Everest, I’m starting to wonder if being ridiculously ambitious is a preexisting condition all those insurance companies are worried about. Also, why are you spending your entire college savings on this expedition? Do you know what $150,000 can buy? Pretty much another kid if this one is too stupid to remember to breathe.
- Remember Elian Gonzalez? Cuba sure does! Did you know after he was returned to Cuba, they made his father (a restaurant worker) a member of parliament. Also, on December 7 (Elian’s birthday), Cuba will celebrate with parades and festivals. Now this may seem odd to Americans, but when you’re Cuba and someone comes back to you, I’d celebrate it too. Doesn’t happen very often. Plus, he’s 16 now and on track to battle for young ladies hearts. Look out, Justin Bieber!
- Even Britons can do Weekend at Bernies! My favorite part of this article is the obvious mistranslation. “”A dead person you cannot carry to Germany, there are too many people checking and security. How can you bring a dead person to Germany?” This sounds like a German joke and I kept waiting for the punchline.
- Shut down LA four days a week? This sounds like the beginning of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. I’m thinking a bank heist involving closed ports, undeliverable mail, and unfilled potholes. We can call it LAzyTown. Ashton Kutcher would star, obviously.
Category: Things From This Week That Made Me Think Other Things
Healthcare, Schmelthcare
- I’m all for second chances. And sometimes third and fourth chances if you’re famous and interesting. However, there are times when we need to put a moratorium on allowing crazy to go free. A Qantas pilot has openly admitted he wanted to crash his planes between 1979 and 1982. Those years sucked, I get it. Disco was dying, major cities were bankrupt, and the promise of “1984” was looming and looked increasingly like a possibility. The pilot probably felt this was all he had control over. So get an eating disorder or start cutting yourself like a normal person. Don’t put hundreds of unsuspecting passengers lives in danger. So even though he told doctors about the “pain and terror” that encompassed him in the cockpit, the doctors said he was okay. This is why I’m glad I live in this decade. Those doctors were probably the same ones who told him to smoke cigarettes and eat lead paint chips to “calm the nerves.” The best part is, the airline has to pay the pilot compensation because his condition was exacerbated by them allowing him to work for the airlines. It’s like if employees of McDonalds sued the company for becoming sick after eating the food, even though when they were hired, they told their boss they had a heart and digestion problem. I guess personal responsibility died with disco.
- Seizures: Now brought to you in a convenient, hand-held device for under $1000 dollars. Get you suing shoes on, kids!
- Apparently, flowers are losing their scent “due to global warming.” All right, time for my favorite game: Six Degrees of Blame This on Obama. Ready…set…go. Flowers are grown in gardens. Michelle Obama planted a garden at the White House. The Obamas’ dog (like all dogs), like to dig up flowers. Therefore, Bo is digging up all the flowers in the world.
- An 18-year-old girl who was on Wife Swap when she was fifteen wants to sue Disney and ABC for $100 million, claiming they “intentionally ruined her life.” First of all, don’t all teenage girls believe adults are trying to ruin their lives? This is nothing new. Be more original, girlie. Next, she says the producers on the show fed her lines and edited the clips to make her appear “spoiled and selfish.” Now you must be the only person in America who doesn’t realize that reality shows aren’t real. Plus, you are the only child of two rich parents and you are also a beauty queen. What other labels did you expect them to throw your way? Humble and diplomatic? She also states the excessive taunting and verbal abuse from her peers forced her to finish high school in a “special program.” Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are a beauty queen in Buffalo. You were going to get ridiculed no matter what. As for your “special high school program…” For all we know, the hairspray could have seeped into your brain cells and you were on the path to stripper bars and unresolved daddy issues long before you were followed around by a camera crew.
Skeletons I Wasn’t Looking For
- When the police announce they found someone else’s body while searching for a missing person, I can’t help but thinking, “Jimmy Hoffa!? No? Not yet. It’s okay, guys. Just keep looking. You’re doing a great job.”
- Subconsciously, every time I see a newer Toyota on the road, a little voice in my head screams, “AHHH!! Toyota!!” It used to be the same voice that screamed, “I want to flip you off, you D-Bag Hummer!”
- Women who drink apparently tend to weigh less. I didn’t WANT to go beyond reading the first line of this article, but I knew I had to. Apparently, they were only talking about “seasoned drinkers” in their 40s and over. Well, OBV. Those women are crazy bored housewives. There’s nothing to do but drink and exercise. They also can probably afford way better booze then us 20-something city folk. Another reason I am never moving to suburbia. That’s where all the weird stuff happens. Give me a self-proclaimed mayor of the bums and a mid-day mugging any day.
- I get extremely angry at “movie talkers.” They are pretty much what is wrong with America. I truly believe someone should do a documentary on “movie talkers” and see what their lives are like outside of ruining mine. I’m pretty sure we’ll find them taking up two parking spots, not holding doors, and basically void of any human decency. Despite damning their souls to hell, I will still try to avoid confrontation with them as much as possible, because 8 times out of 10, they are insane. (A meat thermometer? Really? Did you just pick one up at Different Drummer’s Kitchen and forgot to drop it off at your car?) The other two times, they are drunk or under the age of 7. Or both, if you’re in Europe.
Lower It Up 