First off, I didn’t see one scene with Cookie Lyon in it, so I was a little disappointed. Nevertheless, this is supposed to be the “best” Star Wars movie of all time, so I knew I needed to go in with high expectations that I would still be so confused.

Drink – The sweetest red wine I’ve ever had. I knew there would still be gross kissing scenes, so I decided to have gross wine to drink.

There’s more reading at the beginning so make sure you have your glasses on. Or get Lasik done before you choose to watch a marathon of these movies.

Heh heh “probes into space.”

In an opening usually reserved for Superman movies, we see a large fire ball come out of the sky and land on a barren wasteland. From the crash site, several seemingly inefficient drones come out. These aren’t the fun drones either, like the ones Amazon or weird perverts use. They are obviously on a scouting mission to find out what Princess Leia’s new hairstyle of the season is or where the droids they were looking for went.

In rides Luke with his kangaroo-ram-camel hybrid (which I will henceforth call the “KRoC”) and they are immediately attacked and kidnapped by a yeti-like creature that inhabits this tundra.

Next, we see where the Rebel Alliance has been hiding out for all these…um months? From what I can gather from Leia’s outfit is that she is now the age of a basic white girl on a college campus. She just needs a Starbucks cup to complete the ensemble.

Han is ready to hit the road again with his furry friend Chewbacca (who is Flashdance-esque welding when we meeting him again) and tries to make sure everyone knows he still owes money to a loan shark (stop bragging) and that he and Leia are not trying to diffuse the sexual tension between themselves.

Of course, Han’s plans are thwarted when they find out Luke is missing out in the snow. So he does as any good friend would do: makes an extremely dangerous decision to go out looking for him in the dark snow with only a KRoC and pure sexual frustration.

Next we see Lukesicle in what we presume by the yeti-wailing and the lack of interior decorating is the yeti’s cave (who is terrible at disarming his dinner). Luke is able to “use the force” to grab his lightsaber back and (of course) uses it to cut off his captor’s arm. What is it with this world and the limb chopping?

Luke decides to take off on foot and of course gets trapped in a Western New York-like blizzard. Luke, why doesn’t the lightsaber have a self-warming feature? It chops off arms, it must be able to keep your hands heated. That force has to be used for something better than party tricks. But no, for dramatic effect he has to pass out, but not before Obi-ghost appears and gives him a new destination. Apparently chopping off beasts’ arms and flirting with your sister is not sufficient enough training to become a Jedi (shocking). Luke now knows he has to go see this Yoda character who lives on another planet. And I assume before he passes out, the last thought that enters through his mind is, “The planet better be fucking warm.”

Han finds Luke and luckily his KRoC dies at the same time, so he has a nice warm place to store Luke until help shows up (you really didn’t think this through, Han). Although the impregnating seems like a good idea, I’m note sure how they were planning on getting back to the base. Han really is a “shoot first, ask questions later” kind of guy.

They are able to get picked up the next morning by the Rebels who return to the base and throw Luke into a tub of healing spring water. But it puts Luke right back to normal: wearing a robe and kissing his sister. DRINK.

Unfortunately the probe drones have reported back to Darth Vader’s circus and now the Rebel’s base is about to be under attack. It kind of looks like everyone was ready to bounce from this planet anyways. Might as well destroy everything in style.

DV brings up the Skype and yells at his officers about some nonsense they obviously had all the control over. Wait, Vader can use his force THROUGH video!? Why doesn’t he use this all the time. He seems to hate all his coworkers and their constantly tired of his bullshit. This place is an HR nightmare. Darth Vader also seems to prefer to Snapchat all his battles. Probably doesn’t want to get his cape dirty. Then he just shows up like he owns the place. Which he might. I dunno if this is like a regular “dark lord” situation or like a “feudal lord” system they have out there.

Our group accepts defeat and goes off in their different directions. Luke basically kidnaps R2-D2 and is like, “You’re coming with me little buddy, to some planet I heard about in a hallucination. It got great Yelp reviews.”

Everyone else hops aboard what is becoming similar to a 1970s Winnebago in both maneuverability and working-ness. Of course, while escaping their turbo booster breaks and they have to drive normal speeds through an asteroid field. They escape the asteroids only to end up in a dark tunnel, which seems fishy (that joke is funny if you know the Bible. Or Pinocchio.).

We switch over to see what Luke and R2-D2 are up to, and it involves them crash landing on the planet called Dagobah (which seems like an old-timey insult) where Yoda lives. Luke, did the night inside the KRoC make you forget how to fly? Wait, droids can swim?! Awww swamp monsters! This place they landed on gives me the creeps. It’s like the Bayou, but with less green men.

Yoda really has the munchies when we first meet him. And wearing a dirty bathrobe. And he’s giggling. And saying “wise” things. Is Yoda high? I mean, if I lived on this planet alone, and my only visitors were punk kids who want to move shit with their mind, I’d probably want to be high too.

Since we know Luke and Yoda are about to go into their own little training montage, we switch back to see what Han “I have to go pay my loan shark” Solo and his friends are up to. First off, how does everyone in this universe know how to weld? And obviously not very well, if no one can seem to fix the Millennium Falcon. Even C-P3O seems to be a waste of space who is just constantly cock-blocking Han and making obvious observations. Well guess which observation you didn’t make, C-P3O? That they are stuck inside a big worm’s hole. Which Han and Chewy only realize when they try to de-bird/bug/pterodactyl the outside of their ship while wearing their CPAP masks.

Back in the swamp, Luke is giving piggy-back rides and R2 looks as I imagine a droid would look if he was constantly rolling his eyes. Yoda sends Luke into a cave to discover what he is really afraid of. Or he just really wants to be left alone for a couple minutes. Luke likes to whine. Of course Luke sees Darth Vader in a vision and they have a weird lightsaber duel where Luke chops off his helmet (nice change from chopping off limbs) and sees (GASP) his own face inside! The only thing you had to fear was yourself, Luke! And swamp monsters!

Wait, is this cave Yoda’s grow house? That would explain why he sends his Jedi-in-training in there for their “visions.” And clever putting it in a cave; no fly-by would catch it among the other greenery and large lizards.

Back on Vader’s floating death palace….

After spending quite some time in his man cave/pod and talking to holograms, Darth Vader is tired of wasting his precious time (even though hunting down Luke and Co. is literally the only thing you are doing right now, guy) and asks to “Send in the bounty hunters! Yep, Lizard Man too, he seems like a trusting guy.” This is where we meet Boba Fett the first time. Since I’ve seen action figures of him, I know he’s important. Not Obi-ghost important, but still vital to the story.

Luke has passed both Rock Stacking For Beginners and Handstand 101, so he truly believes he is ready to hit the road after a vision he saw of his friends in trouble in a “city in the clouds.” Even Yoda thinks he might have been trapped in the grow house a bit long. However, the spaceship that was slowly sinking into the swamp all this time (because you didn’t think you would need it again, Luke?) is now completely submerged. Luke wants to try raising it, but doesn’t believe in himself enough. And Yoda’s like “I’m getting too old for this shit,” so he pops it out of the water for him. Yoda and Obi-ghost (who just seems  to show up whenever is convenient for him) know that Luke isn’t ready and if he goes to save his friends, he is probably putting everyone is more danger. But kids these days (those days? future days?) are stubborn and heads off to most likely get his ass handed to him (that joke is hilarious).

We return to Solo and the Welders (free hipster band name) we find out that Han checked in on FourSquare and noticed that his friend Lando is in charge of a mining town nearby (Billy DEEEEEEEE). However, they first have to get past Vader’s bounty hunters and escape the radar of DV’s ship. They come up with the clever idea of floating away with the trash, like the piece of trash that they all are (jk, just the ship is trash).

 When they arrive at the city in the clouds (just like Luke’s surprisingly non-metaphor vision said), Lando definitely beats DV’s entrance by a mile. Look at that hair. And that cape! As he’s showing Han, Chewy, and Leia around his operation, C-P3O gets curious (droids can be curious?) and falls into a room where he shouldn’t have been. That’s fine, we needed a break. Even Chewbacca, who seems to be a fairly compassionate rug man (second maybe only to Jesus), just shrugs when he sees C-P3O isn’t behind them anymore.

In the next scene, Leia gets a brand new hairstyle and a lady cape (which also may be a basic white girl ensemble on campus today; I haven’t been in Forever21 in a few months). Lando sets his tasers to full charm mode and obviously Han is jealous. I think he is just jealous that everyone else gets a cape. Lando invites them all to dinner, which if you’ve ever seen any mafia movie ever, you should just scream “NOOOO!!! It’s a set-up!!” But Lando’s smile is irresistible, even to Wookiees and they all march off to their dinner/doom, walking through the extras casting for Harry Potter movies.

Lando, you are the worst. Selling your friends out for a mob-style order of protection for your shady…um…I’m not sure what you do but I’m sure it is shady. I also like his face when Darth Vader tells him he has to board the princess and Chewy? “Who is gonna pay for that? Well, I’m taking her cape back.”

Vader then has his goons remove Han and once again put him through his terrible interrogation techniques. Just torture Han with no questions. Then freeze him so he again can’t answer questions. And DV’s an Indian giver. Now he wants Leia and Chewy back? Make up your mind, you sociopath. He also just gives away Han to Boba Fett. Here dude, sorry if he’s dead. Tell Jabba I send my dark lord regards.

Luke finally arrives and notices something is amiss. For instance, not ONE person or Gringott’s goblin came to great him with a cape. This place is definitely getting a 2 star review on AirBnB. Leia tries to warn Luke that it’s a trap, but I think Luke is like allergic to listening and of course heads out to find out what is really inside Vader’s helmet.

Another Darth Vader lightsaber fight! But this time with more jump-flying! Which ends up in a…weapons museum? What room are we in? And there is an unlimited supply of microwaves and fire extinguishers and unnecessary metal beams to throw at Luke’s head. And of course all this horsing around, and someone breaks a window. I mean, this is what happens when you build cities on clouds: no wind or pressure control. So Luke gets sucked out to finish this battle on a catwalk.

I like that Lando’s evacuation announcement to the city is so calm. As if this happens all the time. “Hey guys, the storm troopers are taking over the city. Might wanna head out.”

 

Back on the catwalk, there’s that limb cutting off you guys love so much. Bye hand. Hi dad. And now you can’t even play baseball with him. Then Luke goes super emo, and is like, “I’d rather be DEAD then be your son!”

How does Leia know how to drive the Millennium Falcon? We never really find out what her schooling was like. They don’t usually enroll princesses at ITT Tech. Either way, she is able to find Luke dangling from a garbage shoot and Lando redeems himself by saving some dude he’s never met.

Darth Vader seems pissed he will never get to bring his son to the Annual Employee Picnic, and does what ever angry dad does: stomp off and demand that they bring him his shuttle.

Back on the Millennium Falcon, we discover that the scoundrel city didn’t fix the hyperdrive that they so need to get away from Darth Vader. However, I’m glad the C-3PO and R2 show is back on the road though. With their powers combined, they are all able to fix and zoom through space, leaving Darth and his pile of dead storm troopers in their dust (they seriously need to talk to Congress about getting them better armor).

They end up back with the Rebel fleet, talking about how they need to go pick up Hansicle and fixing Luke’s hand, when all of a sudden, a third hairstyle, Leia!? It’s like you are trying to tell us there will be a THIRD movie! But at least you both are back in robes and awkwardly touching, like you belong.

I waited 6 years for Hamilton, so no one could possibly understand that…type of…devotion, okokok Star Wars fans, you win. But at least I know we can share this: lying in wait is EXHAUSTING.

As a youngin’ (term and apostrophe used loosely, depending on which decade you were conceived in), I was aware that there were 6 (or maybe even more) parts to the Star Wars movie universe. However, I didn’t really grasp the concept, nor understand the implications this might have on millions of people. And also, to be fair, I really didn’t care. I was 8. And a girl. Space was for boys. American Girl books set in 1904 were for girls. Those didn’t really intersect unless suddenly Samantha was captured for warning others about classism, according to Grandmary.

And yet, as the the new movie release day draws closer, the flutter of excitement is almost palatable. It’s like Christmas! But without the credit card debt and indigestion (except for those people who binged watched all 6 Star Wars films in the theater and purchased their body weight in popcorn and Buncha Crunch).

I went a different route. I asked my fiancé to show me the films. Here is the response I got:

Me: I want to watch the Star Wars movies before The Force Awakens

Him: DVD, Blu-ray, VHS, or Laserdisc?

Me: Um…regular?

Him: Extended version or close to the theatrical release?

Me: The one normal people saw?

Him: Watch in chronological order or release order?

Me: Can I just apply for a mortgage instead? There might be less options.

Finally, after many days of researching (jk, I just typed “which movie should I watch first?”), I settled on Episode IV. For those who are not familiar with film history, basic pop culture, or roman numerals, this was the first film of the franchise ever released in 1977, titled Star Wars (or whatever was attached to it, before/after/above/below–f’ it, i’m just calling it 1977).

Drink of choice for watching: an Irish IPA (deal with it).

First off…

If you don’t like reading, don’t even turn 1977 on. There’s like 6 paragraphs of text before anything happens. It’s a yellow font, appealing to the eye. At least it isn’t Comic Sans or Octavia. Gross. All you need to know is that there is a Civil War going on in the galaxy.

The action begins on a floating spacecraft, which I assume is vulnerable due to my extensive knowledge and experience with movie music scores. Two robots, or “droids” as George Lucas has trademarked them, are running around as much as metal and wires can run around and panic. A bunch of guys with guns start shooting differently dressed guys with guns. But when both sides shoot with lasers it doesn’t really explain how that hurts someone. They just fall over. Does it electrocute them? Whatever, doesn’t matter.

Darth Vader has entered! Rocking the best Laser-Tag gear I’ve ever envied. Props to you, DV. And with a cape, too. No one enters a room, er…vestibule, like you. Except maybe King George in Hamilton.

Next we see Princess Leia talking to one of the robots. I know his/her/its name is R2-D2, but we don’t hear what the Princess is saying. It’s fine, that hairstyle says enough. She escapes from the men shooting lasers only to get “stunned” by the men shooting lasers. And not in like, a “don’t tase me, bro” way. She just falls down. Doesn’t seem much different then those guys that were killed in the vestibule.

Luckily R2-D2 and his heterosexual lifemate C-P3O are able to escape the laser-soaked spacecraft, with, according to the next scene, all the User Manuals that DV and his crew needed.

Now, can we just note for a second that Darth is terrible at interrogating people. He murders them as he is asking them questions. Geez, Dark Lord, give them a chance to utter a few syllables.

Then there is a lot of wandering robots through the sand. Like Jesus and his disciples. Actually some of these sets look like Jesus Christ Superstar. But I’m getting off-Broadway here….

Suddenly, as if out of some toddler’s nightmare (or nightmare about toddlers), the glowing-eyed little Jawas appear. Who sound like Minions. In monk robes. However, instead of acting like the lovable goof-balls they sound like, they bring the sand-wandering droids to their giant trash compactor, which actually ends up being a Kidnappers Van for Robots. Great. Now we’ve added trafficking to this movie.

Luckily, our main character’s family has no bones about dealing in stolen goods. The Kidnappers Van ends up at Luke Skywalker’s family farm and Luke’s uncle picks up R2-D2 and C-P3O as their newest slaves…I mean, um…property. This is weird, I’m just going to move on.

Of course, this is fortuitous because Luke gets to see the first Vine ever, Leia’s message to a mysterious Obi-Wan.

“Help me Obi-Wan Kanobi, you’re my only hope”

Cryptic, I suppose. Unless you’ve heard of the guy, which apparently Luke has. As if all farming communities have the rumored “crazy ol’ man in the hills” story. Which, funny fact, this happens to be true.

And side note, what does Uncle Owen harvest? Sand? Other layers of sand? And if so, Luke loves kicking the sand and whining. Boy, you are ruining your crop. Or, maybe you are harvesting it. I still don’t know.

So Luke and his sand-kicking self heads out to the badlands with his floating car and new best droid friends in tow. Unfortunately, the Sand People and their Snuffleupagus creatures do not like Luke and his metal friends. However, in the end, they just seem to want to jack his wheels. Which is understandable. Sand sucks to shuffle around in, even if you do have that Snuffleupagus thing.

Then, from out of nowhere, a hooded character actor shows up and scares them off (and somehow also knows Luke’s name–which isn’t too crazy…it’s a small town, he has a lot of time on his hands, probably read the phone book a lot).

We figure out pretty quickly that this is the Obi guy that Leia was going on and on and on about in her Vine vid. So what to do next, Luke? Of course, head home with the hermit no one has heard from in decades! And he is going to gift you with a glowing probe-like weapon you have no idea how to use! You make me puke, Luke.

We now check in on DV and his council. They are just like, “Where’s the robots?” “Why can’t we kill that girl?” “Why do some of us have British accents?” But when the council calls DV out on his faith, Vader goes, “My faith is bad? Well i can kill you with my mind, so there. Still think it’s bad? Now, who was in charge of bringing snacks this week?”

Back to Sand-Land…

The smoldering corpses were a bit much, Imperial troops, but I guess when you don’t know if anyone on this planet comes back as a zombie, can’t be too careful. So now Luke has no other option than to take Obi-Wan to Alderaan (I believe in my heart that this is supposed to rhyme).

Wait, how was Obi-Wan going get to Alderaan before? He didn’t have a car? One of the Snuffleupagus creatures?

Speaking of which, I’m okay that the Cantina refuses to serve droids. They can’t drink, they won’t pay for anything. They will just roam around and bump in to things. They’re like children in bars. Or dogs.

And then we meet the Han Solo, who likes bragging in terms people don’t understand. Like people who quote power in metric. Or Hemi. Maybe Han, if you want to be “under the radar,” don’t name your ship the “Millennium Falcon” and brag about it in a bar. Maybe something more subtle, like “FlyBy 233.”

So now Han and his furry rug buddy, Chewbacca, have joined with Obi-Wan, Luke, R2-D2, and C-P3O, to go on the most epic road trip ever. Just kidding, it’s a lot of Obi-Wan making Luke feel bad that he never had a dad to play baseball with and corny-ass taglines. “Stretch out with your feelings” belongs in the Canyon Ranch brochure. Like on the inside flap.

Unfortunately, Alderaan is kaput, thanks to Leia being from there. So when the gang arrives and sees no planet, just a bunch of annoying Alderaan-ian bits, the ship is inadvertently sucked into the tractor beam of the nearby destroyer and home of Laser-Tag God, Darth Vader. Since Han is expecting a huge pay-day (sucker), he tries his best to amp up his group to be ready to fight. To which Obi-Wan replies, “There are alternatives to fighting.”

…says the dude who just chopped off a guy’s arm in a bar fight. Pshaw.

As the motley crew arrives, and subsequently stalks, through the Death Star, a very confident Obi-Wan decides to go off on his own to find DV so he can fight him on his own. The rest of them just make it their main goal to shoot ALL the power outlets. It…sort of works, until the troops realize you can just open doors.

All of Vader’s crew must think, “That crazy ol’ zealot” every time he leaves the room. Dude, your hostage is being bounced from prison and all you can think about is your “force” being disturbed. Take some prune juice and get back to work.

It’s kind of amazing that Leia knows where the garbage shoot is, even though she has been held hostage in a cell. And even if she somehow memorized the blueprints of the Death Star, how did she NOT know that the garbage shoot also was a compactor. Sounds like something you would hear every couple hours if it was right below your prison cell. Like when your fridge kicks on in the middle of the night, and you’re all, “No, that’s not a ghost, that’s technology.”

While the kids are trying to stop the walls from closing in on them with the least amount of physics knowledge possible (it’s a wedge system, people!), the stormtroopers get into the main “Communication Center” where R2-D2 and C-3PO were hiding in the closet (hehe). Stormtroopers, THOSE were the droids you were looking for and you just went where they told you. Wait, do THEY have the Force? Luckily, the droids were able to stop the garbage walls, but not the garbage monster who is still chilling somewhere under their feet. The manage to escape the room (I’m guessing by shooting the power outlet) and come across another group of Imperial stormtroopers.

“Oh no, a band of stormtroopers! Shoot one, and they will all runaway. Ahh I’m a crazy man!” –Han Solo logic

Luke and Leia try to escape through one of the open garage doors, only to find out there’s no Uber OR Millennium Falcon waiting for them. There are of course, stormtroopers. [Shooting, shooting, shooting]. What is even the point of these troops’ armor? These guys fall over as if the suit conducts plasma electricity. Terrible design.

(Break for Wilhelm Scream: 1:26:04)

L&L are able to swing away to safety, and we get to witness some awkward kissing (because I already know the spoiler). Drinking game moment, if there ever was one.

The Obi-Wan and Darth Vader Fight (Or How Waiting for Godot Should Have Ended):

After a slow Fencing 101 demonstration, DV’s light saber makes Obi-Wan disappear. Wait, it can make you disappear? Not just for cutting off limbs? That’s like a way better party trick. And who gets his robe? Even Vader looks confused (well, as confused as a masked man can look).

The crew (minus one mentor) hop back into the Millennium Falcon and try to speed away from the Death Trap, but not without first having to throw some shade at some pesky TIE fighters. However, more importantly, how does Farmer Boy Luke know how to run gun torrents? He looks so at home. Was one of the droids Uncle Owen “purchased” actually an early Space Invaders game? It doesn’t matter though, there is a tracking device on their ship, which will lead Darth Vader and his council right to the Rebel Base. Lot of rookie mistakes.

Eventually, they escape the TIE-Die troopers, and end up at The Rebel Base, which looks like every Modern Art museum created after 1971. And this training classroom has every haircut that was ever popular in the 70s. Male, female, and shag carpet. After a briefing, Luke is placed in the premiere fighting group to go exploit a flaw in the Death Star’s infrastructure (which isn’t, much to my dismay, the ease of accessing the garbage shoot and utilizing garbage monsters). Vulnerability and virtue breeds triumph!

After some “May the force be with you”s and another awkward kiss, Luke and R2-D2 are teamed up in an X-wing. Very “highway to the danger zone” moment. When they reach the Death Star, Luke starts to get a little cocky:

“No trust me gang, I got the force behind me. I don’t need electricity power.”

And command base is like, “No you have R2-D2 behind you and you just let him get hit. Stop being weird and use the guns we gave you.”

Then, all of the sudden Indy comes in! Er, I mean Han Solo and his furry rug man! And all the bad ships are defeated and some good men die, but they probably weren’t that important unless you watched 4 hours of deleted scenes.

Now obviously this epic film is just the beginning of decades of theories and arguments, so we know there are more to this story to come. However, they needed to end on a happy note (This is an American film, not some weird Icelandic feature). So the heroes (still minus one mentor) are praised and decorated at a large ceremony by the Princess (or is she a Senator now?) and a lot of her eyeballing Luke. Stahhhp! [drink]

And R2-D2 is just wicked excited he doesn’t have to listen to Leia’s Vine anymore.

Favorite part of the whole film: The Roomba Droids on the Death Star. Are you vacuum cleaners? Are you pets? Are you bait for bigger droids? You are so cute!

Next week….Another Roman Numeral!

The Christmas season can be overwhelming. We start celebrating it in November. Even though we, as Americans know there’s ANOTHER holiday before Christmas. A fairly important holiday, and it’s celebration actually precedes America’s existence and therefore our traditional celebration of Christmas.

Then you get into the actual meaning of the holiday. It’s a baby shower that totally went overboard. Not my joke, but it’s true. Baby Jesus hung out in the manger with his mom and surrogate dad for a few years. That had to have been awkward for the innkeeper who gave them the space in the first place.

Innkeeper: Oh…you guys are still here? Well you know, it’s been a couple months, maybe you can throw me a few gold pieces?

A year later…

Innkeeper: Ok, seriously, you need to move the frankincense and myrrh. It’s makes the mules jumpy and I don’t care if you guys have squatters rights at this point, I need some help with the sheep.

So I’m sure the first few Christmases were awkward. What birthday isn’t?

But lately (or maybe not lately, I’m just grown up and can see it), the holiday itself has become a monster. A controlling, self-righteous monster. If you look at it from the wrong angle, it will become the controlling relationship of holidays:

Where are you going?

Well, I was planning on going home, but I should probably go to the mall and shop for Christmas presents.

Why didn’t you come see me?

I’m busy, I know. I should try to make time to visit you at mass, but with work and the holidays, I’m usually so exhausted by the end of the week, I can’t make time to go to Church.

Who were you with?

I can’t stand to be around people that invite me to parties, but I have to go. It’s a personal liability, not a gift. My boss/crush/aunt/mailman/ex/priest will be there. I have such a horrible time. I would have rather been with you, I promise.

I read what you wrote about me. If you hate me so much, why don’t you leave?

I can’t. I love what you stand for too much. I can’t ignore it. You were so amazing at the beginning but then I realized that you were so much bigger than just me and you.

Why do you put them over me?

I only have so much money. I want to give to charity, but I also have to show my loved ones that I care for them, too.

You don’t love me.

Yes I do! You are beautiful and amazing and bring so much to the world. It’s just that I get stressed sometimes when you’re around. I can’t handle it and break down.

 

Yet, if you are able to evacuate the cynicism and fill the void with realism, the Christmas season can be so fucking (sorry baby Jesus) awesome. I’m not talking about unrelenting optimism that shows up in Hallmark commercials and Santa-adorned pet pictures. That’s extremely unrealistic, and the pressure to maintain such a positive attitude can be exhausting. And exhaustion leads to stress, overeating, alcohol abuse, irrational decisions, and general malaise. Which actually sounds like the benchmarks of any successful holiday season. I’m talking about finding your happy medium.

So where is the medium on this two-way traffic jam of the season? From one direction you have the constant external barrage of “Why aren’t you enjoying yourself?” “Why don’t you like Christmas?” “What makes your such a Scrooge?” “Just BE happy.” And from the other direction, you have the internal conflict of “I should buy this.” “I have to travel here.” “I must make others happy.” “I have to explain myself without sounding misanthropic.”

Stop looking for a middle ground, just get off the road. Remove yourself from the obligations and the excuses, and blaze your own damn path for being content. Celebrate the holiday. Or don’t. Put up a front. Or don’t. Use your electrical engineering degree for an outdoor light display you can see from space. Or don’t. The point is, you still have control of the situation, and the biggest expectations usually come from within.

Now, will anyone actually listen to my obviously bias and completely logical advice? Hellllz no. This is America, brought to you by Walmart and guaranteed by Amazon Prime. Everyone wants you to have the “perfect Christmas,” but what they don’t realize is that their idea of the “perfect Christmas” is a hodgepodge of nostalgia, Madison Avenue admen pitches, and whitewashed images of traditions. The problem (and also magic) of this season, is that Christmas is an EXTREMELY personal holiday. If you explained what Christmas means to you, but leave out the holiday buzzwords part, you might sound slightly necrotic or obsessive compulsive….or even a little snobbish:

We need to eat at 8pm, but only with the good china. The gourds from the ground will need to be prepared a certain way. Only pastries from a certain bakery will be accepted. Next we will travel to imbibe alcohol with acquaintances, many of whom we do not know. We will then go to sleep, but not before music is played for a predetermined amount of time. The following morning, we must wake up at daybreak, then worship at the altar of a child who will be sacrificed in the spring of next year. Then we will remove the outside packaging of unknown objects, in an orderly and easily documented manner. After, we must be grateful for the unknown objects and offer unknown objects in return.

If this was your recap of a random Tuesday in June, you would sound insane. Or extremely rich, which usually comes with a side of insanity anyways. But this probably sounds like a typical Christmas for some. Or what some wish their typical Christmas to be. Or it may be an absolute nightmare for others. Once you step back and realize that your pursuit of happiness will never match someone else’s, you may actually free yourself and influence others to do the same. (That was a very patriotic sentence).

For me, my pursuit of happiness during the holiday (and really any time of year) is surrounding myself with people whom I love. But it’s beyond this, because I actually grew up around people who are OBsessed with love. I’m not talking about chick-flick, Shakespeare, diamond ring jewelry story love. I’m talking about being with people who will always do 3 things for me: there is always someone who will cook for me, there is always someone who will listen to me, and there is always someone who will hug me. Once I have this trifecta of goodness, everything else falls in to place. Even if I need an insane, reactionary season to realize it.

Fairy tales and superheroes and angels are real. I’ve seen them. They exist at a small place that’s closer to Canada than Metropolis. They exist when a group of people come together to just be. Do you know how hard it is to just “be”? A tiny verb that means big things. And that very small word can sometimes be the hardest thing to achieve. It goes beyond being “peaceful” and “in harmony” with yourself. It strips you down to your barest form and builds you back up with love and joy and balance.

We walk the line. We toe the line. We cross the line. We stand in line. We have heard every line. But we come to this place and the line disappears. It becomes a circle. And for one week, we fill that circle with emergency supplies to get us through the rest of the year. But instead of flashlights or bottled water or canned food, these supplies are memories and warmth. When emotional crises strike, these supplies keep us going. Just like the fairy tales of our youth, we can imagine the most wonderful outcomes in the worst situations.

One the greatest things to witness is interaction. Hugs in the real world are optional, but embraces in this place are the norm. We embrace each other, we embrace nature, we embrace the challenges and goals we set for ourselves. I WILL swim to the island. I WILL finish this novel I started in March. I WILL help cook food for 120 people. I WILL discover something new in my significant other. I WILL marvel at my child’s curiosity. I WILL giggle like a teenager and be as introspective as a senior. And this WILL”power” is what makes all of us superheroes.

And then, we see the angels. These rare, dazzling creatures that must have been hand-delivered by God directly to us. Because there is no other explanation as to why we are so lucky to be in their presence. These are the people that see the beauty in everything. You stand near them just to soak up the tranquility emanating from their souls. They make you believe in a higher good, because you finally start to believe in yourself. If heaven has an advertising department, these people are the pitchmen. And sometimes, God wants them to come back to the home office. So we take their words and their smiles, and we tuck them in the back of our pocket. We wrap our shoulders in their stories and laughter. We cover our heads with their kindness and strength. And we keep going through life, because we have a little bit of them traveling with us.

Guardian angels are real. Superheroes are real. Fairy tales are real. When reality comes howling at the front door, they will be waiting on your back porch. They aren’t your escape. They are your rescue. And they’re waiting. Right where they have always been.