I attended my first Comic Con today in Albany. First off, as a warning to all, there were NO comedians there. Don’t be duped like I was. So after the initial frustration of waiting around for someone to make me laugh, I looked around and noticed three things:

1. These people like to practice for Halloween. I mean a trial run here and there in mid-October is fine, but several months beforehand? Come on. No one likes dressing up that much. Or maybe, this is their regular clothes and everyday outfits are their costumes….Nah, these people couldn’t be that deep. They are at a convention on Sunday and not at church. Or maybe…THIS is their church. Oh God, my brain is hurting.
2. I couldn’t believe they would let children into this not-funny convention and then put all the toys on the top shelf, completely out of the reaches of children’s chubby sticky hands. So I think I did a good deed and moved all the toys down to the floor where the kids could play with them. Some of the toys were really old, so I took them out of their packages so the kids wouldn’t have a hard time opening the boxes. Karma for me, please and thank you.
3. Lots of people were drawing cartoons. But they weren’t even drawing them. They were tracing them. And then, these customers wanted the tracer to sign it. There’s a sucker born every minute. **

However, I did notice there were some positives to this gathering. Or should I say there was some Pros to this Con.

1. Childhood wonderment. It was very cool to see adults and children get the same kind of excited about seeing something. Just like a Harry Potter movie release or a baseball game. Except 96% less alcohol involved.
2. The sense of community among people was astonishing, since I’m so used to a New York attitude laced with cynicism, surrounded by sarcasm and paranoia. But here, there was sharing and talking and letting people bump into you without wanting to shank them. This is what the West Coast is like, I bet. But 96% less pale.
3. The beards. So many beards, of all shapes, colors, and sizes. If it wasn’t creepy, I would have taken a picture of all of them. And even if it was allowed, my camera would’ve ran out of battery and space within minutes. I’m surprised some of these little babies weren’t sporting beards. Or even a little mustache. Obviously they are not true fans yet.

 Lastly, I would like to go to another one of these Comic Book Conventions. It would be interesting to meet the creator of a brand new story. Then in 5 years, you get to read the bloggers complain about how he sold out and doesn’t even care about his fans anymore and doesn’t stay true to the characters. You bearded bloggers are never satisfied!

Success! Another diversity day to add to the utility belt! (That’s a comic reference, right?)

**I’m kidding about the artists, of course. Their work is breathtaking and should not be ridiculed, even if one is unfamiliar with the genre. Please don’t shank me, artists.

Also, small shout-out to my buddy Buddy who is part of a film project in the Capital Region called “Dead Burger” and was at the Albany Comic Con promoting it. Here is a video and link to his Kickstarter project board. If I had money, I would give it to them because I love moviefilms and things that come out of the Capital Region.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/abominationfilms/dead-burger-by-abomination-films

“No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means.”

-George Bernard Shaw

Taking quotes out of the Bible and out of context to base an entire belief system on is like taking a page out of the phone book and saying, “This proves all the people that live in my town have last names that start with the same letter.” Both are illogical, silly, detrimental, and yet we still do it. Take Bible quotes out of context, not tear out phone book pages. Who even has a phone book anymore?

Lots of religions, Hallmark greeting card artists, and atheists like to grab quotes from the Bible to prove a point. However, for some reason in this country, it’s the Evangelical Christians that will shake that baby until every last drop of vengeful God falls out of it and onto the pulpit. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone is welcome to read and interpret the Bible in their own wacky way. Just like everyone is welcome to read and interpret what the fuck Jose Conseco is trying to say on Twitter. It’s America and it’s allowed. What SHOULDN’T be allowed is creating an entire life decision on one sentence written thousands of years ago that has been translated so many times that it’s entirely possible the initial meaning was lost. So if you decide you hate gay people, just man-up and admit that you hate gay people. Don’t blame it on a text from a language that isn’t even around anymore. Wikipedia predicts there are about 700 people who know and can vaguely understand Ancient Hebrew. There are more people that speak Game of Throne’s Dothraki Language. And that is literally a MADE-UP language.

So based on this brief linguistic lesson, you would think that more people would be careful with what they interpret or what they choose to dwell upon. And also remember that the world was VERY different when it was written. Hell, the world was VERY different 20 years ago. I’m not going to look at a Windows ’95 manual and honestly believe that everything is exactly the way it is in the book and other scenarios haven’t come into play. So I’m going to put that ’95 manual over by this pile of yellow books that someone keeps leaving at my doorstep. Both equally useless and outdated in today’s world.

Now, does this mean I think we should also throw the Bible to the wayside. No. That’s ridiculous. And possibly blasphemous….I haven’t read that far. However, what we need to stop doing is treating the Bible like our nation’s bible. It’s not a structure, it’s a blueprint. You can’t build a house from the paper you draw the designs from, just like you can’t build a religion from words on a page. And yet we did it. Through tears, bloodshed, debates, money, and just plain fear, we have allowed religions to be created from these words on a page. Whatever your feelings about organized religion are, we should all come together and start to get rid of this idea that in order for a religion to survive and remain strong, it must be rigid. Instead, we need to look at religion more like a bridge than a building. 

Bridges need to be flexible to the constantly changing world. They need constant maintenance and monitoring in order for them to remain safe. They need to be repainted to keep their presence alive and not become an eyesore to the community. And sometimes, bridges need to be torn down and built back up again in order to adjust to new technology, increased traffic, and because all your friends keep jumping off of them (just like your mother warned you).

But maybe I’m just idealistic. Or practical. Or both. No one is ever going to agree on religion in this country because no one wants to be told how to run their own lives (but we still want to be taken care of). And also, it’s just weird that people think we could all agree. America is such a baby country, but it’s so big, it’s like a freakishly fat baby you see on “Maury” because his mother wants him to never cry and you can’t cry if you’re constantly in a food coma. Also, a metaphor for America. We are fat, lazy, and look for constant validation that what we are doing is correct and right. Which is what we love about religions. You have an entire group of people that will validate that your bitterness and hatred towards a certain group of people or certain subset of society is correct. “Oh there’s no WAY I can be an asshole because all these people act the same way and there’s no way that we can ALL be assholes.” Actually, asshole, yes. It’s very possible for an entire group of people to be douchebags. Look at the French.

So the asshole gets trapped in the virtual vortex that is organized religion. He didn’t necessarily start out that way, but people looking for religion often don’t have a solid structure of beliefs and therefore can be molded and manipulated depending on the crowds he’s rolling with. Peer pressure is a lot more powerful than people believe and it extends well beyond high school. And this isn’t the “cool” 19-year old freshman trying to get you to try a joint underneath the bleachers (did I just paint the PERFECT after-school special for you?!). This is peer pressure coming from people who are much more richer and powerful than you. Every leader wants people to follow them to validate THEIR decisions are correct. Even Jesus had a bunch of dudes and lady-friends following him and his hippie sandals. 

Does it make it right or wrong? Not necessarily. Some people need to be reigned into a group or else they really will walk off that non-existant bridge metaphor. Others need the sense of community that organized religion because it gives them a chance to interact with someone other than their 23 cats and equally as many personalities for online dating. I’ve seen many people join churches so they can contribute to their communities with their talents. And still others join because it’s comforting for them and gives them peace at a time in their lives when they may need the support and kind words of another member of their place of worship. These are all completely valid and understandable reasons to join one group or another. No one in this country wants to take that right away….theoretically…

First Amendment. Easy. Kids know it. They understand it. Even WITHOUT looking it up on Wikipedia. And yet just as kids “understand” religion when they are younger, as we grow, the First Amendment can be just as difficult to keep intact as it is to keep your childhood beliefs intact. This is because we’ve seen the world and we know what is out there. As your experiences extend to make your world bigger and bigger by the year, so does your brain (we hope). After seeing, hearing, and smelling what this country is made up of, it’s difficult to see the First Amendment as black and white.

Although not confirmed, but it is often attributed to Voltaire, the saying “I do not agree with what you are saying, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!” should be the basis for our Constitution. That’s right, a French dude said that. Good lord, we are good at stealing stuff. So you have your battle cry right there. Why should there be so much disagreement? Now, there is an argument that although free speech and freedom of religion should be curbed if it causes detrimental harm to another person or facet of society. Which is why we have hate crime and libel/slander laws. The Westboro Baptist Church is allowed to speak, practice, and assemble in any way that they please. However, since they are horrible human beings who cause pain and suffering of families that they are targeting, the government in some states have taken steps to prevent the groups from interrupting certain events (that of funeral of military members mainly).

Now, UNLIKE a lot of religious doctrines, including the Bible, the First Amendment has been adjusted with “exceptions.” Good job, Constitution…you are a bridge, not a structure. The core basis is still there: freedoms of speech, religion, press, and assembly. However, with each case, there have become more and more asterisks on them. For example, if you group promotes violence (The KKK), the government is allowed to shut you down. If you lie about someone or something in a publication or under oath, you can be brought to court. You can’t steal speech from someone else. You can’t print and/or distribute child pornography under the guise of “press,” or your genitals can be chopped off and fed to rabid wolves while you watch. That last one might need a citation…

Hmmm…no killing, no lying, no stealing, no coveting your neighbors…These sound familiar. Oh that’s right, because they are written in the Bible. But they were written in the Bible to create a sense of security and rules within societies that at Moses’ time were basically wandering groups of oppressed people or sex-ed up, corrupt politicians. Kind of like the 60s. But then people got their shit together (sorta) and created societies that people could settle down in for a couple decades (because they didn’t live much past 30 then). By the time Jesus was birthed in the barn, society was coming together quite nicely. Augustus was organizing a census and Herod somehow had the military AND the organizational skills to kill all the baby boys who looked like they could usurp the crown. I bet fat baby America from “Maury” would’ve been a threat, but I can’t imagine any of these other kids were mouthing off about anarchy like a hipster at an Occupy rally. So it’s safe to admit that Jesus grew up in a pretty violent time. I also imagine that at least ONE of those Jewish mothers tracked him down a couple years later and gave him the guilt trip on how it was his fault her little Bernie was murdered. But then Jesus gave her a hug and it was all good. I also imagine Jesus liked hugs.

So when Jesus started wandering and preaching, of course people came to him and asked him about the Ten Commandments. This is how I see the scene playing out:

“Jesus, you know that religion that you are talking about. The one where people are calling you the King of the Juice?”
“Jews”
“Jaws. Whatever. But which of those 10 rules are the most important? Because one of them HAS to be yours and your Dad’s favorite.”
“‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” 
(Matthew wrote down that little gem for Jesus in his 22nd chapter.)

So you would think, an entire religion based on Jesus would try to follow the most important thing he ever said. But instead, there are groups of Christians that can’t get out of the Old Testament and therefore get out of their own way. They are so focused on a set of archaic rules set forth when the world was extremely different. Claiming to act on Jesus’ words, people become bigots. That sounds like the opposite of “loving everyone.” Also, some Christians will constantly judge another person or groups actions, even though Jesus and Tupac BOTH said, only God can judge. And God loves you so much, he sent His son to tell you that and possibly apologize for all that smiting and vengeance he did a couple millennial before. Jesus despised hypocrites. He says it a lot. But since Jesus doesn’t “hate” anyone, he does it kind of passive-aggressively.

“Then Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem and said, “Why do Your disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat.” He answered them, “And why do you transgress the Commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him surely die.’ But you say, ‘If any one tells his father or his mother, What you would have gained from me is given to God, he need not honor his father.’ So, for the sake of your tradition, you have made void the word of God. You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said: ‘This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me; in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.'” (Matthew 15:1-9 RSV)

So again, you would think an entire religion based on this one man who really only loathed one type of person wouldn’t produce THOSE types of people. But we see it everywhere. Anti-gay pastors who end up having a sex slave named Miguel in their basement. Anti-welfare soap-box carriers who don’t realize that the poor and sick need help from other sources than prayer and shame. The list goes on and on. Yet, we all know this and still allow it to continue. As if we upset the tradition of hypocrisy and pretentiousness, we will somehow anger God like that one Thanksgiving you didn’t have the traditional pie and Grandma threw a turkey baster at your aunt.

 

The last time we considered letting women get involved in the government, they took away booze. So I see why you are scared, Republican White Men. However, with the oddly sexist agenda being thrown into the ring, I felt a pang of nostalgia. It’s like a theme party from the 1960s! Except no one has good clothes and everything smells. What’s nostalgia called when you never experienced the time to begin with? I think it’s called Romanticizing the past. Stop doing that.

I wonder what our mothers who fought hard for these rights would feel about this? Oh that’s right, we can ask them. But these “gentlemen” don’t seem to have mothers. Or maybe they had the kind of mothers who never wanted them, believed they were a mistake, and regretted every moment of their lives. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we had something that gave women power over their lives and careers? Wait, we do. It’s called birth control. And you know what women also have? Free will. So no matter what your beliefs are or aren’t, no one is forcing women to take birth control. Planned Parenthood isn’t lurking outside your bedroom door, waiting for you to fall asleep, then shoot pills into your mouth. Although, that would be pretty awesome if someone was roaming the streets with a pill gun.

I think if the Republican party took a step back, they’d realize that technically, we are all on the same page and want the same outcome. First of all, no one, and I mean literally no one, is “pro-abortion.” No one thinks, “I love killing babies and possibly maiming women’s insides. I wish I could do this every day.” Although this is America, so I’m sure there is SOMEONE out there who thinks that. For our sakes, though, I hope that person is in prison and therefore can’t vote.

So it is safe to assume that everyone wants LESS abortions. The problem is, the best way to prevent this sexually transmitted fast growing cell affliction is through education and birth control. Abstinence-only teaching does not work. Scaring the hell out of middle and high-school students works. If you tell a 13 year old that having a baby at 14 is going to make their boobs stop growing correctly and they won’t be able to go on Facebook whenever they want, trust me, they’ll listen. Also, tell them the price of baby formula, and they’ll realize why it is locked up at the grocery store. And unlike that other popular white powder, your baby can’t snort it. So that’s why you need bottles, which also cost money. And while you are explaining the horrors of being young, poor, and a single parent, also throw in the whole deal about STDs. It does not matter what you tell people, STDs will never be eradicated. To drive that point home with extra horrifying images, tell them that recently there have been syphilis outbreaks in nursing homes across the country. That means old people doing it. Ew.

After you scare the hell of the kids, throw them condoms and other sex ed paraphernalia. Kids love free shit. But don’t stop there. People still need access to to information and education because not every kid is going to get a good job. And free condoms can’t be used as currency. Yet.

If there are pro-life and pro-choice agendas out there, I believe there should be a third option. Most Americans are somewhere on the fence when it comes to this issue because every situation is not the same. People don’t want to just commit to yes or no response without hearing the whole story. Unfortunately (and also fortunately), a committee cannot be called for every decision. Instead, it is strictly a personal decision to be made by said person having the procedure, as well as their family if they wish to be included. Similar to other decisions we make about our lives, that whole “pursuit of happiness” clause we have is usually the driving point behind it.

However, “the right to Life and Liberty” clause is where people get stuck. According to the CDC, there is no federal definition for “stillbirth” as it is seen in other countries including the UK and Canada. It does however have a slightly varying term for “fetal death.” Federal guidelines “recommend reporting fetal deaths whose birth weight is over 12.5 oz, or those more than 20 weeks (4.5 months) gestation,” and therefore the parents can apply for a birth certificate for these stillbirths in 27 states “if they wish to pay for one.” It used to be that only deaths during child birth were reported, but there is a movement spreading to have all these issued birth certificates, which qualify the fetus as a citizen even though it was never technically alive outside the mother’s body. However, these regulations ONLY apply to parents who do not induce the fetus voluntarily, such as when it is dangerous to the mother’s health or the doctor has detected genetic defects which render the fetus impossible to carry to term without death.

Another piece of legislation that was passed is the federal law (and therefore enforced in all 50 states, for those of you who missed civics class) called the “Unborn Victims of Violence Act.” The law did two things. If a mother is attacked while pregnant and the fetus is maimed or dies in utero, the person committing the crime can be prosecuted for violence on both the mother and the child, even if the attacker did not intend to deliberately harm the fetus or even if they had previous knowledge of the pregnancy. It also defined the term “unborn child,” but ONLY how it relates to this act. It means a child in utero, and the term “child in utero” or “child, who is in utero” means a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb.”

When the bill was brought to the House and Senate floors, there was extreme backlash by pro-choice groups that the term for “in utero” was too broad and could open up prosecution against the women who opt for an abortion, whatever the circumstances. They also asked for no prosecution for a woman who deliberately tries to miscarry a child, or against the doctor whom was administering treatment to the pregnant woman. So as an compromise (for those currently in Congress and the Senate, I have enclosed a link for the definition of “compromise”), the following amendment to the act was made and passed both House and Senate after many years of being stalled due to the sensitivity of the wording.

`(c) Nothing in this section shall be construed to permit the prosecution–

`(1) of any person for conduct relating to an abortion for which the consent of the pregnant woman, or a person authorized by law to act on her behalf, has been obtained or for which such consent is implied by law;

`(2) of any person for any medical treatment of the pregnant woman or her unborn child; or

`(3) of any woman with respect to her unborn child.

So, after reading all that, you now must have an even better understand of where a person’s “Life and Liberty” begins, right? No? Me neither. And yet, advocates and politicians on both sides of the issue will spend a large majority of their time debating this even when there are living, breathing, walking people wandering through their protest signs who are hungry, homeless, or hurting. Empathy may be an innate trait, but we learn where we want our compassion to lie. Picking and choosing are battles is what makes us human, but why aren’t some of these people picking battles they know they can’t win? So instead of choose left or right, pro-choice or pro-life, I’m choosing Pro-Fence.

But I came up with a new name because Pro-Fence sounds like a bad French restaurant or a good male patterned baldness pill…

PRO-BETTER LIFE

While the debate rages if life begins at conception or birth, the Pro-Life and Pro-Choice debate seems to end at when the woman makes her decision to terminate or carry to term. There seems to be no push for legislation beyond this woman’s decision. A true Pro-Life person would be on the side of making a life worth living for the fetus and a true Pro-Choice person would be on the side of education and counseling before, during, and beyond the decision for termination.

Since every area of the country is different, then these choices should be decided on a state level, by the voters. The legislation that is written must include committee members from all sides of the debate. The legislation must be straight-forward and offered as reading material online throughout the writing process and at polling stations the day of the vote. If a state completely outlaws abortion, then the following would be mandated to be offered:

Some Americans don’t believe they should have to pay for a stranger’s health insurance. However, I don’t think insured people understand how insurance actually works. According the Wikipedia (the ONLY reliable source, tongue-in-cheek), “Health insurance like other forms of insurance is a form of collectivism by means of which people collectively pool their risk, in this case the risk of incurring medical expenses.”

You do realize that RIGHT NOW, someone else is paying for your health insurance and you are paying for some stranger. Your employer is also paying for you and the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you. So now that we’ve gotten the obvious out of the way, I’m going to explain how insurance works for people who are just getting started on this planet.

Let’s say you are young and healthy and are going to buy a car. It’s a brand new German car so you know all the equipment is going to be in tip-top German-esque shape. You also know the safety equipment is the most up-to-date. And since it’s new, there’s no history of crashes or problems with the car. Now, since it’s your first brand new car, you are going to take extra good care of it. You will wash it. You won’t roll through stop signs. You also will use the built-in Bluetooth for your cell phone, the voice recognition for the internet and music, and GPS for directions. But then a runaway Toyota comes out of nowhere and hits you! Luckily for both of the drivers, a law requires that you bought insurance so the repairs are covered, and so are also any injuries from the car accident. Perfect. Everyone wins. Until you go into the MRI machine and they find out you have a brain tumor from the Bluetooth and Wi-Fi waves inside your car. Is car insurance going to pay for that? Nope. But you have health insurance. A law required you to get health insurance, just like the law required that you get car insurance. Phew! Everybody wins again! Well, except Toyota. They’re still in big trouble financially. See, it’s so easy.

A runaway Prius: the country’s biggest threat to our freedom (to be a self-righteous a-hole).

I can understand why people are upset that they must bear the brunt of irresponsible members of society. But it’s not the 24 year olds on their parents’ insurance or the alcoholics who like meth or the professional base-jumpers that I mind paying for. It’s the girls on the “Rock of Love” bus and Bobby Brown and Tiger Woods’ mistresses that i really have a problem sharing my tax money with. Is it possible to have the government implement an opt-out clause for ridiculous human beings?

Ugh…they just scream “socialism”

My new favorite argument is that it is “unfair” that single and/or infertile people “have to” pay for maternity and labor and delivery care for pregnant women. I have three things to ask those people: 1, Do you like humans? 2, Do you like humans more or less than robots? 3, Do you want attractive, healthy, strong humans to surround you in 20 years when the robots invade? THEN PAY SEVEN CENTS A MONTH TO HAVE A BABY BORN WITH TEN FINGERS AND TEN TOES!

You may think this is the beginning of an awesome life of a superhero. But superheroes have issues, too. They like capes. Enough said.

I also appreciate that people will complain about the “health surcharge,” which will basically charge you about a dollar on each order of food you make. The charge is to make it able for the restaurant employers to pay their low wage employees’ health insurance. Are you really going to complain about this, people? I don’t like mucus on my food. I also don’t like coughing, sneezing, sniffling people around my food. So unless you like testing your immune system every time you walk into Burger King, I’m going to shut up and pay the extra money on my already ridiculously cheap hamburger.

Now, I understand that several state attorney generals want to sue the federal government for violating their 10th Amendment rights. That’s fine and dandy. Sue away. We’re America. It’s what we’re good at. However, let’s take into account that your already financially suffering state government is going to sink millions of dollars of tax payer money into fighting an unobtainable fight, and in the process postponing the allocation and distribution of funds to your state. So you need to ask yourself, “Do I like potholes or do I like TB more?” Because those are your two options right now.

“Those who do not remember history are condemned to repeat it.”

In our lifetime, we are sure to see the death of the last of so many survivors: those of the Holocaust, those of the nuclear annihilation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and those of the internment camps in America. This is inevitable. However, we will never see the death of Neo Nazism, fascism, dictatorships, and modern warfare. Just as victims’ stories and legacies are passed from generation to generation, so is hatred, imperialism, and technologies that will harm our human race. World War II was not a mistake we can learn from, but a breeding ground for evil and hysteria. The after effects are so substantial, that we are still too closely connected with it to understand its true implications.

This connectivity is still so evident today. A woman in San Francisco was deported this week because it was revealed that she was a concentration camp guard. She is 83. Do we, a country that tortures its prisoners, spies on our citizens, and are fully aware of organizations such as the KKK formulating, have the right to ostracize this woman? It is a rhetorical question of biblical proportions. We looked the other way as we imprisoned our own citizens because of where they came from on so many occasions just in the past century, that it is hardly our place to cast the first stone. We justify our actions as the prevention of future atrocities in other nations but we rarely step in to the rivers filled with blood, the modern genocides happening today. We have equated imperialism with freedom fighting, while in reality we are actually just colonizing. We are repeating the mistakes of our British fathers, and soon, just like them, we will suffer the same fate: our empire will crumble.

It’s not a matter of doom saying, it’s a matter of cycles. The sooner we are aware that we are not invincible, the sooner we can accept that history isn’t just something we learn about, it is something we can learn from. Germany wanted to create a superior race. We want to create a superior force. When the last bullet is fired and the last body is counted, in the end, there’s not much difference.

Dear Immigrant (Legal or Illegal, I don’t judge – this is an open letter),

Hello and welcome to America. Now that you have mastered perfect English, please proceed to Amazon.com and learn how “real Americans” speak. There are 1807 results for “slang dictionary,” 151 results for “gay dictionary” and 52 results for “star trek dictionary.” I believe that covers it all. But wait, there’s only one (very) misdirected result for “pop culture reference dictionary.” Why, you may ask (or “Por que,” you may ask if you haven’t learned that word yet). Because in this country, you gotta be quick. In order to laugh at those jokes Mr. White and Mr. Whiter-Thanwhite make around the break room you have to watch as much television, go see as many movies, look at as many magazines, and listen to as many popular artists at possible. Sometimes, to save time, you will have to do this simultaneously, while driving. And talking on your cell phone. And eating. And disciplining your kids. Don’t be overwhelmed. Soccer moms do it all the time. They do it by stealing their kids Ritalin and knocking it back with a fifth of vodka. But those are expensive. So I’m going to help you out. Here is a preliminary list or terms that may not be in circulation yet, but they will be. You can make book on that, missy. (Did you get that one? No? You are way behind.) This set deals with popular television series. You don’t necessarily need to be familiar with the television shows or their characters or premises to use these terms. Just the mere mention is sure to get a laugh out of your boss/landlord/parole officer/that INS agent shoving you in the back of a black van. So start studying. Because remember, they will never accept you as a true American until you can spit out as many pop culture references as possible.

1. arrested development
n : an abnormal state in which development has stopped prematurely.
Also refers to the Fox Television show by the same name that ran from 2003-2006.

HOW TO USE

A. Refers to a joke that no one gets because it was too smart for them.
ex: I didn’t get the one about Rumsfeld and Clinton that Larry told at the party last night. It must have been an arrested development.

B. Refers to something that is cut down in its prime because no one appreciated it.
ex: John was such an arrested development. It’s a shame he got shot by that crossbow at his CD release party.

2. desperate housewives
n: women who usually live in suburbia that must deal with their lives under the restrictions of the men or children within it; many were ambitious and career centered until marriage.
Also refers to the ABC television show by the same name that has been on the air since 2004.

HOW TO USE

A. Refers to someone or something that is so overdramatic and satirical, it can’t be real.
ex: Joan likes to tell stories about her days as a roadie. But I have a feeling she’s seen too many
documentaries and its all a desperate housewives.

B. Describes something that is made up for publicity purposes only; note – this may or may not have some basis in truth.
ex: Carrie told Mr. Smith a desperate housewives about Andrea’s addiction to cocaine. I think she did it just to get the promotion, though.
3. grey’s anatomy
n: Refers to a popular television show currently running on ABC since 2005. The title is a pun on Gray’s Anatomy, a famous anatomy textbook.

HOW TO USE

The deliberate action of somebody who spends more time on their relationships than advancing their careers. They may be suffering in one or both.
ex: Mary was so in love with her professor that she grey’s anatomied her way out of law school. He dumped her anyway.

4. lost

v. to come to be without (something in one’s possession or care), through accident, theft, etc, so that there is little or no prospect of recovery.
adj. havng gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.
Refers to the popular ABC program by the same name running since 2004.

HOW TO USE

A. Usually used in reference to plot lines, refers to someone who is so philosophical that they often ask many questions but never offer answers. These outbursts are often difficult to follow, even though within their head it makes perfect sense.
ex: My roommate is such a pot head that I have to deal with his pretentious ramblings all hours of the night. He is so like every plot line on Lost.

B. Someone or something that promises to have all the answers if you stay committed long enough. It can also refer to a person who believes in these promises, no matter the cost.
ex: That shrink was really lost to me. I paid him $200 an hour and he couldn’t tell me what was wrong. I’m still going to go back every week just to be sure, though.

This is it for now. Study hard, pupils. There will be more pop culture references to come. There will be a test. Just kidding! But seriously.

After living in Manhattan for about two years (minus holidays and summers), I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three kind of people who wander around this island every day: the people who live on the island, the people who work on the island but don’t live here, and the people who neither live nor work here but are visiting for a specified amount of time. Whoever came up with the idea that New Yorkers are rude and inconsiderate must have only met the people who don’t live here.

The commuters are perhaps the most unpredictable people on the planet. Maybe it’s because they have to spend a large majority of their day stuck inside their car or public transportation. Or maybe it’s because they know no matter what happens during the day, in the end, they are going to have to get off the island at night. Or maybe, just maybe, they’re jealous of the natives who get to stay here and enjoy 24-hour Chinese or movie rentals at 1am or the ability to buy a knock-off Prada bag and a falafel from the same guy on the way home from the bar.

Whatever the reason, I’ve noticed that despite a few bad seeds (what town doesn’t have a set of crazies?), Manhattan-ites are actually the nicest people in the world. Yes, outward appearances can be deceiving. But if you had to walk past at least four homeless people, two closed shops, and a kid trying to sell you candy on you’re way to the pizza parlor on the corner, you’d develop a hard shell too. But that shell can be easily broken, too.

Last spring, I was walking with the toddler I baby-sit from time to time. Well, actually I was walking. She was sitting pretty in her stroller. It was a typical spring day in the northeast: inexplicably cold and cloudy. But, upon the insistence of her mother, a breath of “fresh” air was always necessary (I don’t how fresh the air is from the 5^th Avenue busses, but nevertheless…). On my way to the park, I got the sensation that people we’re looking at us. And I was right. Everyone, from businessmen on cell phones to traffic cops to Park Avenue madams to lost tourists would look at the 35-pound ball of fun I was pushing around and smile.

People love babies. Something about the fact that they can’t talk back to you or steal your purse or curse or ask for money makes them the most respected New Yorkers. People are always willing to help you on the bus when you have a baby or open doors or pick up things the kid drops. It’s a way for people to connect with reality. To do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return. It is the ultimate unselfish act to smile at a baby. And if sometimes I get caught in the crossfire of the smiles, then it’s all right with me. I might even smile back. But I’ll still hold on to my purse pretty tight. You never know with those commuters.

Picture this: years from now, when we’re older, we’ll look back and say to our grandkids, “I remember the Spinach Scare of Ought-6″(that’s right, we’ll say ‘ought’ because that’s how we’ll look back at it. If you say it now, you’ll get slapped upside the head, “It’s ‘Oh’ you pompous asshole. Get it right.”) Our grandkids will look at us with contempt, ask what spinach is, and hand us our dinner pills and a glass of prune juice to knock it back with. That’s right, prune juice. Because no matter what kind of advances in food technologies occur, old people will always, and forevermore, have to drink prune juice.

Now back to the present, where we just got hit in the head with a 2×4 of irony. Spinach is making people sick. But the only people who eat spinach are usually the most health conscious people out there. Fat people, 1; health freaks, 0. A naturally occurring bacterium has stricken every corner of the media and they are ready with guns cocked and torches barreling. Let’s smoke ’em out. We’ll teach dem bacteria, you don’t mess with the CDC. We’re gonna plaster yo face all over every news program, news magazine, and newspaper. Dateline is going to set up sting operations. “Mr. Spinach, did you think you were coming here to meet a barely legal lower intestine?” We are gonna start a nationwide panic among people who never even gave a second glance to spinach as it sat conspicuously among the other green leafies in the produce aisle. How dare you disrupt our lives, taking our attention away from Iraq, Darfur, and Terror (that’s right, I capitalized it). The PhD-holding news freaks already have a think-tank about what to do about this scare. Into the darkness of the night, voices can be heard over and over again, shouting, “What do we call this terrible tragedy?! Spinach is Finished? Spin-ich Alley? Spinichgate? Spin-ich a Web of Shame? Oh nothing fits. The English language has failed us of our puns. If only Spinach was having an illicit affair with another member of the produce aisle. CarSpin or Spinlet or heaven forbid, Sproccoli!”

But now, as mounds and mounds of spinach are being thrown away to the joy of children around the nation, a steroid using, inked sailor is quietly sobbing in the corner, his corncob pipe askew. What will come of him? No elixir to make him stronger, only a could-be disease lurking in that can. Throw it out, Popeye, and while you’re at it, you better throw out anything that may have touched it, or was bought at the same store, or even begins with the same letter. We won’t let the spinach win. You must continue your daily life. Everyone, to your nearest McDonalds, where spinach would never dare to lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce on your intestines and make you whither inside. Why oh why did I decide to eat healthy today? It was a mistake. Now I know, God truly wants me to put as much crap in my body as possible. Fast food, 1; produce aisle, 0.

Coming next week…Tuna fishermen around the world rejoice: you silly Americans, you finally forgot about mercury. [EVIL LAUGH TRACK] (I often picture fishermen in lairs similar to Dr. Claw).

A funny anecdote was fortunate enough to flutter my way on the bus last week.

I don’t own an Ipod. Financial reason is one, but the other coincides with the same logic as to why I don’t have MySpace or wear Crocs: I hate my generation. But enough about that.

I do however, own an affordable audio producing personal listening device. Sitting on the bus the other day, my earbuds were in place and I was reading – a double whammy in Manhattan signology meaning, “leave me the hell alone.” An older woman was sitting next to me, also reading, but lacking a listening device – a rookie mistake.

Out of nowhere, she tapped me on the shoulder and my Pavlov’s dog facial expression of, “What do you want, crazy?” emerged. She shoved the magazine she was reading in my face. I instinctively took out my earbuds and she said, “It says music relieves stress.”

I replied in my nice Upstate New York tone, “I don’t doubt it.” I put my earbuds back in and the old woman went back to her literature while I went back to mine.

But I started to think. Not about the piece of trivia – a fact I had learned in high school psychology – but about her approach. She had made the effort to break my bubble of personal space in order to relay a piece of non-urgent information. She interrupted my music to give me a fact about what I was doing with my music.

In a way, she was trying to close the generation gap, revealing her acceptance and approval of something so many of my peers have enlisted as an extra-curricular activity. This tidbit in Good Housekeeping made her realize why so many New Yorkers have strings hanging off their earlobes and detaching themselves from the rest of the world.

My generation was born into the mushroom cloud of a stress bomb and have been feeling the after effects ever since. Everything causes cancer, heart disease, immune deficiency, obesity, depression. Kids are learning how to spell Adderall before apple. Nothing is private. Success is measured in dollars and charity is measured in how well you dole out those dollars. My generation leaves college with a debt that would rival any poker player in Reno.

Crime is down in most major cities across the nation, but it’s only because the crazies and criminals can’t afford to live in major cities. Everything is zoned, requires references, pay stubs, and tax returns. So crime, corruption, and drug use is slowly seeping into the suburbs, a once sacred place of wholesomeness is now becoming a hotbed of immorality. So what do we do? We buy dogs and set up security measures. We enlist trigger-happy citizens as neighborhood watch. Anything to keep my bubble intact and untainted.

No wonder my generation had found a mobile therapist in their playlist. Sad days require sad songs. Happy days insist on mood music. We are no longer happy with the jukebox at the bar having 50 songs. It must contain a digital library of over 5000, one for every taste that drunkenly stumbles over and shoves their sweaty dollars down its throat. Play my song, damnit! And I’ll pay you extra if you play is right now. Alcohol, once the ultimate de-stressor must be coupled with great music. Like love and marriage, as Frank says in a song, you can’t have one without the other.

As the old lady got off the bus, I watched her walk slowly down the block. She wasn’t stressed. She had been through it all before and knew how to handle it, just as my generation was slowly getting a grasp on it.

It was a nice hiccup to a mundane day of a new semester, and I realized that this woman could have easily tapped me on the shoulder and told me how bad earbuds are for me, or that the music of today is disgusting. But she didn’t. All she did was reaffirm that my actions were all right by her. I didn’t need her approval or interruption. Nonetheless I was grateful for both.