Day 9, 2013 – “Ghost Hunters” Season Premiere Recap

“Ghost Hunters”

American Television Program

ghost

For someone who hates horror and scary things, I LOVE “Ghost Hunters.” And just like the paranormal, there’s no true explanation for it. Beginning as a Syfy (back then it was Sci Fi Channel) show in 2004, a reality camera crew follows paranormal investigators as they travel to investigate alleged haunted locations throughout America. Through night vision, voice recorders, energy detectors, and a bunch of tools that were probably stolen from electricians, the teams are able to either capture or not the existence of other worldly entities.

I think it is a combination of the history, the science, and the fact that the teams don’t just chase shadows in the night. They actually try to disprove claims. And the are rarely scared of anything. Except spiders. Now of course, no one wants to watch an hour-long show where grown adults talk to the air, so the producers make sure SOMETHING shows up on their evidence.

I need to give props to several people who work on this show. First, the cameramen. Any cameraman who follows someone around for 12 hours into dark, possibly dangerous, definitely disturbing areas deserves a Nobel Prize. As does anyone who has to edit dozens of hours of footage to make it interesting. And not just video, the audio too, since the paranormal teams use both audio and video recordings on their investigations.

Tonight was the show’s fall premiere. In it, the team goes to a family’s home in Arkansas. The Southern ones are always interesting. Well, actually so are the Northeast ones. And the Coastline ones. Okay, all Americans with haunted houses are interesting. The family (self-admitted skeptics turned freaked-out homeowners) bought an early 20th century mansion with the hopes of fixing it up and not at all raising depressed spirits. However, these things happen, and they call in the “Ghost Hunters” to prove they are not crazy.

Through some investigation, the owners and the investigators find out that a woman who lived in the house waited for decades on a married man who never kept his promise. She supposedly committed suicide after her beloved finally wrote her a letter that said, “Yeah, I’m done. Never leaving my wife. Sorry about stringing you along for so long!”

Sad story, but was it enough to make her spirit haunt this family who looks like perfectly nice Americans just trying to renovate a haunted house? The investigators were also told of reports of  “doppelgangers” which are look-a-like ghosts who I assume exist to freak you out, but also there to take over your body. Even the paranormal investigators said, that’s a little outside even our realm of possibility.

The team was able to capture some voices and shadows, but nothing as substantial as I’ve seen in the past on this show. One of my favorite things about the show is how hard they try to make a claim “debunkable.” I like it even more when they say “debunkable” because it’s a silly word.

As one of my guilty pleasures, I will continue to watch this show until there is no more haunted places to investigate. I just hope the show lasts long enough that the investigators encounter a ghost who was a fan of the show when they were alive. Circle of (after)life.

Day 8, 2013 – The Call of Cthulhu

The Call of Cthulhu

2005

cthulhu

First, let me explain Cthulhu to those who don’t know what it is. It is giant sea creature created by author and suspected (well, definite) racist H. P. Lovecraft. The description that is in the book and copied from Wikipedia is “A monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind.” Sounds like a thing backwoods folk would worship, which is where the movie eventually takes us.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. It should be noted that this movie only 46 minutes long, in black and white, and silent. Very retro, right? The post production black-and-white filter along with the precisely placed digital music soundtrack makes the film, well, weird to watch. Although, maybe that’s the point. It’s awkward. Like watching a friend’s movie at a small film festival you decided to attend because they offered free wine, but everyone there speaks with an “urban French accent.”

The story is interesting, I suppose. Especially if you’ve never heard of the Cthulhu following that has gained monstrous (pun intended) popularity since Lovecraft’s death. It starts with an institutionalized man begging another fellow to burn the work of his great-uncle. Through a series of flashbacks, we find out this man’s great-uncle was obsessed with this mysterious creature who haunts dreams of artists and possibly causes terrible things to happen in the world.

Through even FURTHER flashbacks of supporting characters we find out that Bayou Bumpkins (trademark pending on this one) worshiped this Cthulhu and offered human sacrifices to him through what looks like a pretty rocking ritual. Local cops and archaeologists try to break up the party and of course bring the idol of Cthulhu back to civilization. Never a good idea. Leave the crazy with the crazy.

The final encounter with the flying octopus is through a group of sailors who find an abandoned ship floating in the ocean and they decide to commandeer it. Abandoned ships are the creepiest of all vessels to find, I think, but apparently the sailors just think, “Sweet! Free boat!”

The abandoned ship brings them to an island where they find the very gross looking, but very large monster Cthulhu, who has been chillin’, waiting for the stars to line up just right. Then, it’s mind-clobbering time! Cthulhu basically makes the sailors go so insane, they jump to their deaths. I can only assume that Cthulhu likes the brains of the crazy, hence why the Bayou Bumpkins, overworked detectives, and crazy artists were prime prey.

The movie ends with the man from the beginning seeing visions of Cthulhu as he is taken away. The end.

The recent resurgence of “Cthulhu worship” is a fun deity to add to the mixture, when God is being too “wrath-y” and Satan just is being too much of a task-master (stop asking people to do you bidding, Beelzebub. If you want shit done right, do it yo’self). The movie definitely isn’t scary, because the effects are from 1926 and Michael Bay ruined imagination for us. It’s still a fun quick little film to watch around Halloween. And possibly Christmas too, if baby Jesus is being too needy for you.

Day 7, 2013 – 30 Days of Night

30 Days of Night

2007

30 days

30 Days of Night is one of those films that I thought had an interesting concept, but never had the nerve to watch it. But that was before I determined I could watch anything for 31 days. Including a Josh Hartnett film.

According to this story, it took a few centuries for vampires to understand the earth’s axis and rotation. Now I’m not blaming this on the education system, because these vampires are obviously not American. Or attractive. They send a human scout (who desperately wants to be one of them…because of the benefits) ahead of their invasion to the northernmost American town in Alaska. He kills all the sled dogs (nooooo not the puppies!!!) and destroys the only other means out of town, a helicopter.

All of this happens right as the town’s population is cut by 2/3rds because they are heading into 30 days of darkness (polar night). Most of the women and children bounce, leaving the most manly of men to watch the town. And Josh Hartnett.

Hartnett’s character is the (co?)-sheriff of the town. His weed-smoking grandmother is the dispatcher, and his brother is…15. His ex-wife is a fire marshal for the state and she gets stuck in town, conveniently when she doesn’t make it to the airport on time. I think we all know where this horror story is headed: more little Josh Hartnetts.

I’m kidding, that’s cruel.

When vampires descend on the remaining citizens of the town, they somehow go for the jugular but the victim is magically able to scream while dying. (SIDE NOTE: Drinking game–sip every time you hear the Wilhelm scream). This sets up a frightening scene of Josh rounding up whomever he can and hiding out in places the vampires have already looked for prey. Because apparently, vampires tag where they have already been so they don’t go back. In this time, Josh also manages to grow his signature creepy hipster mustache that somehow made him a “heartthrob.”

The vampires talk to each other in what I can only describe as a mixture of Klingon and Velociraptor. Very annoying. They also don’t clean up, so by the end of the film, they’re still covered with their meal from the first day. Gross. I’m still very upset about the puppies.

The vampire deaths are gruesome, but kind of creative. I wasn’t exactly scared, but there were enough jump scenes to keep me on my feet. I won’t ruin the conclusion because it makes sense, but it was still a twist. The movie ends with a look from the main actress that can only be described as, “There WILL be a sequel and I probably won’t be in it.”

Day 6, 2013 – The Frighteners

The Frighteners

1996

frighten

Even though I’ve never sat down to watch all of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, I still understand why people love Peter Jackson. His visions far exceed the special effects world he lives in, but he still tries to make it believable. And in the situation of The Frighteners, if he can’t make it believable, he’s going to make it so ridiculous with a story so entertaining, that you don’t care.

The film begins with what seems to be a poltergeist ruining the wallpaper and tripping people up on old rugs. So from the start, we know that we are not dealing with a lazy ghost. In fact, he seems a little ADD, not exactly focusing on one area of the house or the terrified woman’s body. He gets distracted, which is fine. He was human.

Michael J. Fox’s character enters as a con man who uses his talents to talk to ghosts as his way to make money. He employs spirits from the local graveyard to be his lackeys. While this is going on, the town is gripped with dozens of unexplained deaths since the explained deaths of a mass murderer 30 years prior. Even though the killer was executed, we soon learn that something keeps his death tally rising.

Fox’s character doesn’t really want anything to do with that. He’s just a grieving widow (of course) living in an unfinished dream house (metaphor) with no real prospects or hope for the future (obviously). Until he sees numbers on people’s foreheads who are about to die.

As a psychic telling the police who is about to die, even small time best friends get suspicious and sick the feds on you (and this was pre-9/11). An FBI agent who looks like Hitler with a Vitamin D deficiency is assigned his case. The agent, Milton Dammers, has become so paranoid from working undercover with occult and violent religious sects for so long that he is now afraid of women. This is apparently a side-effect of working in the paranormal for so long. Not sure what you’re digging at there, Mr. Jackson.

The movie continues with the introduction of ghosts with comedic relief, ghosts who get in the way, and ghosts who just want to kill everyone. So their world is pretty much the same as the living, except they never get to change their clothes. Of course in the end, the demon and his lover are sent to hell and the good spirits who remain can finally get some rest without some con man waking them up to make a quick buck.

It wasn’t a frightening movie, and the special effects were on par with CasperHowever, this definitely falls in the sub-genre of comedy-horror (different from campy-horror, wayyyy different from satircal-horror). I doubt it would even come close to be an R-rated movie today. The jokes were funny for the sake of being funny, and the violence was ridiculous by the end. However, It was a nice reprieve in between my “Frighteners” of movies titles.

Shut up, WIB, I’m not even thinking about you…

Day 5, 2013 – The Woman In Black

The Woman In Black

2012

black

Do you know what it is like to be scared of a live-action play? As in, you see or read a play, and then you have nightmares for weeks? Well, that would be me, in 2002 when I read and then saw “The Woman In Black.” It’s worse than a haunted house, because you know at least haunted house cast members are either teenagers or unemployed/transient salesman.

As I knew I would this month, I just scared the crap out of myself. The play, “The Woman In Black,” has literally followed me for years after I saw it. So why would I subject myself to the terror again 10 years later? Because apparently, I don’t like sleeping or having a low light bill.

If you don’t know the story, Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) plays a British solicitor (terrible sub-lawyer) who travels to a village that doesn’t have sunshine or dryness (as I assume most English villages do not, but that’s Hollywood). He is a grieving widow father who is sent by his firm to settle the affairs of the estate of a dead woman. The town acts weird towards him, which should have been red-light number one, but Harry Potter is so afraid of being fired from his job, that he will do anything to keep it. Unfortunately, this is subjecting the audience to 95 minutes of non-stop suspense (I think I pulled a muscle stifling a scream at one point).

This film has all the classic horror films aspects you would expect:

  • Creepy white children
  • Muddy and bloody white children
  • Victorian era white children’s toys
  • Lady dressed in funeral garb PISSED at the world
  • Harry Potter not having his wand on him

I watched it until the end, but only because I heard it was different than the play, and someone would call me out if I didn’t reveal it correctly. I won’t ruin the ending for two reasons:

  1. I don’t want every post to be a spoiler
  2. I’m afraid of thinking about the ending again

Now, I could go on for days how good Daniel Radcliffe was at his character or how the mise en scène portrayed the story perfectly. I could even gush over the simplicity of horror, and that is how most horror affects us: through our most basic fears. I could even applaud the dialogue for moving quickly in a play that often has too many long pauses for dramatic effect.

Fuck it, here’s a picture of puppies fighting with swords that I think we all need instead:

puppies

Day 3, 2013 – Red State

Red State

2011

redstate

I had never seen this movie or knew much about it, except that it was directed by Kevin Smith. So there is warning number one. Do NOT trust IMDb.com tags. Or movie posters. Or trailers. They are used by movie studios to get more people to see their films.

Now as most people who saw the trailer, I thought this was going to be a horror film with some action elements. Instead, it was more of a police procedural with some creepy exaggerated characters.

The movie starts out “horror-ish” enough. Dumb teenagers looking at boobies, decide to go drinking in the middle of nowhere to get boobies, then end up becoming the victims. But then, we get lectured by a crazy fundamentalist preacher who reminds me of a young Kris Kristofferson. I hope that’s the look he was going for. There is also lots of singing vaguely familiar but barely audible church hymns. So I guess there is another “scary movie” element there. Like voices of little children surrounding you with old lullabies.

However, then John Goodman enters the picture as the ATF agent who is going to save everyone he can. That’s where the “horror film” went out the window and I just stayed to the end of the movie to hear John Goodman’s monologues. Damn, that man is good at the one-sided conversation. If there was a hall of fame for monologues, it would be called “The John Goodman Museum of Words.”

The film ends with dead bodies, way too many kills shots to eye sockets, and me remembering from what movie I know Melissa Leo. I swear, that woman could live in my apartment room, and I wouldn’t know her from Adam if I saw her on the street. But she is darn good actress and made the movie pretty good with her convincingly Christian ways.

It’s not terrible, but it’s not a Halloween film. It’s just a John Goodman film. And that should be good enough for anyone.

Day 2, 2013 – Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow

1999

sleepy

If you’ve never seen this movie, or heard of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” or have been living abroad with no connection to America, the story comes from a 1820 Washington Irving short story. It’s basically about a headless soldier who terrorizes the town until Ichabod Crane shows up. He’s an odd fellow, which means Johnny Depp is contractually obligated to portray him, as it is written in the Old Testament and Torah (I assume).

Tim Burton directed this movie, so right off the bat, you know you’re going to see some messed up shit. But this doesn’t even make the top TEN of movies that shows Burton’s inexplicably imaginative and WTF mind. It’s actually rather tame. When I first saw this film when it came out, I wasn’t even scared of the gore because the blood was so fake looking. Beyond that though, it is still a Burton film. And that means something different to everyone who knows what I’m talking about. And there’s a large scarecrow budget. That’s a given.

Christina Ricci plays the love interest/hell’s target. Burton’s obsession with leading women with wide eyes begins again. Is eye fetish a thing? Because I’m pretty sure he has it. Which is fine, I mean it would be the least of his weirdness, but just in case, I’ll stay away from him at parties. Now I have nothing against Christina Ricci, but why does she always talk like she’s in a terrible community theater version of an old play? Has she been in The Doll House yet. She should give it a try.

Johnny Depp just plays “1990s Johnny Depp Preparing To Eventually Be Jack Sparrow.” He does it well, and I had a drink every time he gave his “bemused, bewildered classic reaction face.” I was drunk at 22:04. You know the face:

depp

The movie strays from the original story immensely and immediately, and even involves Casper Van Dien’s oddly squared head to mumble 12 words before he is cut in half. Come on horseman, you can’t take a torso back to hell. Torsoless Horseman isn’t fun to say. There is a vast conspiracy within the town involving money and pregnancies and grudges that don’t make sense because a woman made them up.

The real villain is the step-mother of Christina Ricci who was a WITCH the whole time. Unbeknownst to her though, Christina Ricci is ALSO a witch, a fact which reveals itself to Depp while the entire town is hiding in the church. His reaction bugs me because he looks so disgusted. Dude, she gave you a spells and charms book she had hidden in her boobs the first time you talked. This shouldn’t be a shock.

The movie ends with Christopher Walken getting his head back and bringing the step-witch back to hell with him. Or Jersey. That tree portal could have led anywhere. It’s far from scary, because it’s so silly. However, it does give us a lot of new information:

  1. It is perpetual autumn in upstate New York. That’s just a fact.
  2. That horseman got a lot of head.
  3. If you find out everyone in your town is related, it’s time to get out of Incestville. It only leads to trouble.
  4. Covered bridges don’t make sense. They aren’t whimsical, they are creepy. And anyone who paints them should be evaluated and monitored.

I hope some bar in Sleepy Hollow, NY has invented a drink called “The Flying Flaming Pumpkin Head.” And if they haven’t, I just feel sorry for them.

Day 1, 2013 – The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods

2012ish (this year is apparently debatable, but you get it)

Untitled

Source: IMdB.com

Knowing this movie was written by Joss Whedon gave me high expectations. He is what I call “highly witty.” In that, his dialogue is extremely smart, but even a kid stoned out of his mind would laugh. It’s a rare gift, and Mr. Whedon does not fail to deliver. I actually giggled out loud at some. Including my favorite line of the movie, “Do NOT read the Latin.”

Even though I don’t [read: refuse] to watch a lot of horror films, I already knew the common themes and saw them almost immediately in this movie. Bad dies first, good dies last, the worst dies somewhere in between, everyone dies.

We are introduced to the dead kids almost immediately. They are:

  • Blond anorexic with annoyingly shiny hair who doesn’t need a bra
  • “Shy” red-head who has no qualms dancing around in front of her window with no pants
  • College jock who looks like he could be 30, but definitely not 20 and no one cares
  • Ambiguous race handsome man who is perfect for “shy” red-head
  • Lovable pothead that somehow everyone knows even though from different backgrounds

The movie proceeds exactly how you would expect it. But of course, every new horror film needs a twist. This one actually a fucked up reality show to appease the ancients gods. Okay, Joss, I get this idea. But who the fuck is Bridezillas appeasing? And why would Cthulhu let a thing exist?

Kids get to house, get drunk (because the woods is fucking terrifying and you need booze to deal with it), terror ensues. They head to the basement. I actually enjoyed the “portal” idea of the basement. Kids explore, looking at the vintage treasures, deciding which object to pick up. I imagine if Pawn Stars was part of this reality show, there would be a disclaimer when they chose the diary:

“This object may be cursed with the bloodlines of 1000 generations, but the best I can do is smelly redneck zombies.”

Exposition…exposition…semi-creative ways of dying…exposition.

The movie ends just as I would expect it to: Sigourney Weaver summarizing everything. Her voice is nice, I wouldn’t mind her explaining the ways of the world to me. I’d like her to do my outgoing voice-mail message.

There were 3 gaping plot holes in this movie that annoyed me:

  1. How the hell can a cabin like that have 3 huge bedrooms? I bet this bugged a lot of architects and feng shui instructors too.
  2. There is ZERO consitency with handsome ambiguous race kid’s glasses. None. Is he wearing the frames just to look cool? Because 14 year-olds do that, not late-20 somethings getting stabbed in the neck with a sickle.
  3. If Little Thor just had his hammer with him, everyone would be fine. Except the annoying blond. She had to go. I could see the pockets under her cut-off jeans.