The Monster Squad

1987

Kid horror films should have its own genre, because kids are scared of the weirdest shit. The washing machine, the mailman, thunderstorms…wait, that might be dogs. Still, kids don’t understand mortality so they just base their fear on previous things they feared.

As a kid myself, I avoided movies that had these covers. Probably because I was scared of something I heard about children being forced into slavery by scary beings. Wait, that might have been Lifetime Movies. So up until last year, I didn’t even know this movie existed.

The story centers around the villain Dracula, who is tall, dark, and fabulous. His back-handed face slaps just resonate with the viewer as his signature style. While the first scene shows monsters in Germany, it’s hard to determine what year it is. The angry mob has shotguns and dynamite, but the sacrificial virgin looks like she came from a Heidi look-alike contest.

Fast forward a century to present day (which in this case is Reagan-era America). Germans are apparently still scary, bullies say “faggot” a lot, and the cool kids wear penny loafers and smoke cigarettes in school. A group of boys who call themselves “The Monster Squad” love to get together and talk about monsters. While this is all going on, Dracula somehow manages to rustle up his posse. They consist of your typical “posse” archetypes:

1. The Mummy – does absolutely nothing, easily destroyed by the fabric that holds him together
2. The Wolfman – begs for death from the beginning, gets “hit in the nards” by kids
3. Creature from the Black Lagoon – the muscle, maybe; easily killed by apparently just not being near a black lagoon
4. Women Vampire Trio – just around for looks and noise
5. Frankenstein’s monster – probably Dracula’s best friend/minion, might had a little thing going on in the past, but that’s over with now; easily distracted by boobs.

The group isn’t very well organized, and Dracula is well skilled at explosives and driving, which makes me think he’s an impostor. A fabulous impostor. Either way the monsters chase after the kids who are holding a precious Van Helsing diary that gives information on how the evil world can take over the good. The kids are also carrying a disco ball ruby, which Dracula may be coveting for the night club he’s going to open soon: Transyl

The kids are smart. They know “monsters hate religious stuff” so they make sure they get to a church and have a Holocaust survivor with them (I’m serious). They use the little sister as the sacrificial virgin because the slut they picked up along the way was also a liar. They use Frankenstein’s monster to their advantage because they know he is of simple mind and well manipulated.

In the end, the monsters are sucked back into the swirling vortex of limbo where they will hang out for another 100 years until some cuffed-jean teens and 5 year old virgins decide to open the gates again. This is coming sooner than you think.

As in typical 80s fasion, there’s also a theme song which plays over the credits called “Rock Until You Drop.” Not since Ghostbusters, has a theme song launched a semi-professional singer into the stardom of semi-nostalgia. I checked on iTunes. It’s not there yet. You can buy it used on Amazon for $30 though.