Day 18, 2013 – It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

1966

pumpkin

Although this film is only 25 minutes long, it really says a lot about society and the terrors that children experience when they try to fill the void left by psychological trauma due to absent parents. Well, that’s one theory. The other theory is that out of chaos, people create religion to better understand the world around them, despite logic and reason telling them otherwise.

The film begins with children of a small American town getting ready for Halloween. First, the character of Lucy murders a pumpkin and carves a childlike view of a face into the empty corpse. Her brother is mortified, but not damaged (yet) enough to go outside and destroy a pile of leaves that the character of Charlie Brown has spent hours toiling over. Lucy enters the scene again, promising an innocent game of “kick the football.” Charlie Brown has trust issues due to Lucy hurting him before. He finally agrees on Lucy’s empty promises and just as expected, the proverbial and literal football is torn out from under him. Lucy claims legal protection and is free to go about and inflict pain again.

The typical plan begins to unfold which includes trick-or-treating and a subsequent Halloween party to follow. Even the character of Charlie Brown is excited for such a plan to unfold, without any pessimistic outlook. However, Lucy’s brother and Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, has other plans.

Linus begins to unveil his delusion of “The Great Pumpkin.” With a basis in Christian all-giving and all-forgiving entities, coupled with Wiccan and Animism ideals, the idea of “The Great Pumpkin” emerges. Linus believes by writing a letter in his own handwriting (not sure if own blood is involved) and then putting the letter into the universe, it will conjure a giant pumpkin to animate and bestow upon Linus and all other believers an abundance of gifts.

While many do not believe Linus and many even mock him, there is one weakling who agrees to follow Linus on his mission to prove all wrong: Sally. However, Sally’s motivation may have been rooted in lust, as she fervently agrees that Linus is her soul mate. She follows Linus to a rural pumpkin patch to await the arrival of “The Great Pumpkin.”

While this is going on, the other children in town participate in the “secular” aspects of Halloween: costumes, trick-or-treating, parties, even taunting others (Linus). One lone character, Snoopy, however does not participate and instead reenacts his WW I dogfight with the elusive “Red Baron” and ending up behind enemy lines. He crawls his way back to civilization, eventually reliving the tragic moments through a series of musical pieces by Schroeder. Snoopy’s tragedy has lead him down a path of atheism, therefore rejecting any sort of religion or religious-based traditions of the holiday.

The Halloween party disbands and everyone heads home. Including Sally, who has grown impatient and rejects the idea of “The Great Pumpkin,” leaving Linus in the pumpkin patch alone. He stays out all night, never witnessing the miracle. At 4am, his sister, Lucy, finally becomes compassionate and brings Linus home, tucking him into bed. She will never fall into his delusions, but will still make sure he never does anything to harm himself.

The next morning is full of disappointment in the air. Charlie Brown’s first trick-or-treating experience was met with rejection and lack of any sufficient “treats.” Linus is dejected that his “messiah” never came. However, he reinforces his belief and says he will try again next year. The only positive outcome is that Linus will never participate in the candy-grabbing such as other children, therefore sparing him a lifetime of obesity, tooth decay, and diabetes.

Day 15, 2013 – The Haunting

The Haunting

1963

haunt

I think abandoned old houses and me don’t mix. Maybe growing up with a contractor father I have something against slanted doorways, inconsistent hot water pressure, sunken foundation, bad lighting, and terribly warped wood that makes me sick to the stomach. I’m going to blame my fear of The Haunting on that.

Since I’m terrified of this movie, let’s start with the cast:

Dr. John Markway – crazy anthropologist with a sweet mustasche who wants to investigate a haunted house

Eleanor “Nell” – homely woman who has been taking care of her now-dead mother for 11 years that desperately needs a vacation

Theodora “Theo” – more attractive woman who claims, and then demonstrates her psychic powers; lesbian, definitely attracted to Nell

Luke – Semi-heir to the house, only there to make sure it still has selling power

The Dudleys – A local couple who is obviously into something freaky that they would decide to be the caretakers of this ghost house

Grace – Dr. Markway’s wife, who is obviously there to make sure the good doctor doesn’t have sex with his “assistants” in the name of “science”

The doctor invites a select group of people to endure a long weekend with him at a supposedly “haunted house.” We know it might be haunted from the 10 minute long prologue that explains the death of everyone who died there. Seriously fucked up shit, but enough to make the house uninhabitable? Welp, we’re about to find out.

First off, let me tell you this movie is in black and white, but produced in a time when color film was more than readily available. So right there, you got your creepiness. Second, you actually never see ANYTHING. No shadows, no figures, no goblins under the bed or ghouls in the closet. No actual special effects were necessary because they have sound, camera angles, and reaction shots. The good ol’ days, when you made the audience think they might have a mental disorder! Fun!

In the end, the main character dies (won’t tell you who because it was a weird scene and I don’t want to relive it) by some form of paranormal activity. Everyone basically looks back at the house and says, “Nope” and then bounces. Is it a satisfying ending? Hell no, but I literally would’ve taken any ending at that point because it was definitely two hours of my life that I will have nightmares about for weeks.

 

Day 15: They still don’t know I’m a scared kitten in wolf’s clothing…

Day 14, 2013 – Orca

Orca

1977

whale

You would think at first glance that this horror movie is just a Jaws rip-off, meant to scare people who were just getting up the nerve to go back in the water. You would also think that this is a ridiculous revenge movie with a premise with no basis in scientific proof. You would lastly think that Bo Derek’s debut film role would not have a spectacular death scene. And you would be dead wrong. Killer whale dead wrong.

The movie begins with Captain Dolan, played by Richard Harris (the first Dumbledore, RIP), shark fishing off the coast of a small fisherman’s village. I couldn’t figure out if this is America or Canada, but that doesn’t matter. Terror exists in every country. While he’s fishing, a marine biologist diver (who inconsistently narrates the film) is doing research nearby. A shark comes upon the scene and starts to beeline towards the diver. Then all of the sudden, a killer whale comes out of nowhere and completely headbutts the shark, killing him. I don’t think the killer whale was being protective. He was just being an asshole.

Captain Dolan and his greedy crew witness this and now instead of sharks, they want killer whale carcasses instead. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know anything about them. Enter the marine biologist professor who is way too attractive to live in this shanty sea town. Anyway, she tries to explain to Dumbledore that these killer whales are more like humans than he realizes and should not be hunted since little is known about them.

Of course, the arrogant fisherman ignores her advice and heads out to sea. He really is no different then the stupid blondes who investigate the strange sounds in the basement. He immediately finds a pod and shoots. Unfortunately, he grazes the male he was aiming at and instead hits his mate. She doesn’t die immediately and instead tries to kill herself in the boat’s rudder because she is in so much pain. The crew finally pulls her carcass into the boat and of course she gives birth to a dead killer whale fetus. So gross.

Her mate, called Orca by everyone (really original), is so wrapped up in grief that he goes literally homicidal. He sinks boats in the harbor, he screams and howls and roars at Captain Dolan. He taunts him. He breaks a gas line and lights the town on fire. He breaks Bo Derek’s house and eats her leg. Just non-stop crazy killer whale tactics.

A now very drunk, sleep-deprived Captain realizes that in order to make peace with Orca, he must fight him on the whale’s territory. A wise Native American warns against fighting nature, the marine biologist tells him this is Orca’s revenge plan all along, and his other 2 crew members blindly agree to follow a crazy man pursue a crazy whale. All a recipe for disaster and death in interesting ways.

And Orca does not disappoint. He leads the captain as far north as possible, so they end up in the land of the icebergs, picking off crew members along the way. Orca pushes an iceberg towards to ship, inevitable crushing the wise Native American, and sinking the boat.

This leads to the final fight scene between the captain and Orca on a ice sheet. First the captain harpoons him, then Orca breaks through the ice to weaken the area. Finally Orca knocks over the ice sheet and throws the captains lifeless body onto a iceberg, finally killing him as he falls into the water to his death. All of this is happening, while the marine biologist stands there watching. She really isn’t very helpful, and I’m assuming she is just taking notes for her lecture.

The moral of the story is don’t fuck with killer whales. They will stalk, and taunt, and kill you. This movie didn’t make me afraid to go in the water. However, it DID make me afraid to go to Sea World. So score one for you, real killer monster of the sea. I promise to never kill your mates.

Day 12, 2013 – Hocus Pocus

Hocus Pocus

1993

hocus

Just so everyone is aware, this is NOT the film adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut’s 1990 novel. So if anyone is here looking for information for a book report, then I feel sorry that no one has told you about Wikipedia or Google yet.

Hocus Pocus is one of those movies that Disney didn’t know what to do with. Make it a Saturday night Disney Channel release or show it in theaters? Beat children to death with commercials or beloved character merchandise? It’s really a flip-a-coin situation on a Friday afternoon decision for studio heads. I feel like this is director Kenny Ortega’s (dir: High School Musical, Newsies) MO: cult films with constantly refreshing nostalgia. There are at least 526 Buzzfeed articles about why this film is the “greatest movie in the history of all things that movies are.” Which I completely understand. It has everything:

  • Bette Midler singing
  • Choreographed walking
  • Bette Midler’s zombie boyfriend
  • Thora Birch crying in a heap on various things (hay bales, pumpkin patches, cat corpses)
  • A talking cat
  • Sarah Jessica Parker acting like an horny idiot (honestly, the only role she is good at)

It also puts in twists that you weren’t expecting:

  • Male virgin conjures the dead
  • The main character is the worst and you wish he would shut up and die
  • Bullies who are more sympathetic then the main character
  • High schools in Massachusetts have walk-in kilns (it’s a law)

The plot is so simple, but I’m beginning to gather that all horror/Halloween movies are just a re-conceived version of 10 films prior. Three sisters, who sold their souls to the devil to become witches, live in Salem in the late 1600s (ALMOST just in time for the Salem Witch Trials). They need children’s souls to look youthful. Fair enough. Snatch a few orphans, no one will miss them. Instead, they steal the sister of a very determined, but very adult British sounding adolescent named Thackery Binx. The witches steal the sister’s soul, turn Binx into an immortal cat, and then hang for their crimes.

Fast forward 300 years when a too-cool-for-school kid named Max moves to Salem with his family. No one ever really explains why they move there, but I assume it has something to do with the mom’s “party reputation.” Max is skeptical, but his younger sister (played by pre-American Beauty Thora Birch) believes in the legend of the “Sanderson Sister Witches.” With a girl from Max’s class (who looks 20, but I’m starting to think every teenage character in 90s films looked at least 25. I blame high-waisted jeans), they accidentally release the witches back to earth because Max The (cough:tool) Virgin lit a candle.

The remainder of the movie is the trio trying to escape the witches with the help of the immortal cat. I don’t want to ruin the ending, in case you don’t have children or are over the age of 65. However, let’s just say that Disney knows what they are doing. They even had PIXAR work on the special effects.

Some parts were a little gruesome (mostly the zombie ex-boyfriend), but nothing terrifying. The creepiest thing was that Gary and Penny Marshall played husband and wife. Come on Disney. Leave incest out of at least ONE of your films!

Day 11, 2013 – Firestarter

Firestarter

1984

fire

I’m assuming since I have to watch at least 3 to 7 Stephen King movies for this writing experiment, I might as well start with a light one (I didn’t intend that pun). Firestarter is one of those films from the 80s that you watch and wonder how many drugs Drew Barrymore has tried yet. Also, the music reminds me of an episode of “MacGuyver.” I keep expecting Richard Dean Anderson to jump out of a hay bale to take down the little girl who lights bathtubs on fire with her mind. But I’m getting ahead of myself, and that’s just wishful thinking.

This film hinges on just one element of the horror genre: telekinesis. A man and woman are given a hallucinogenic drug under a test by a “secret” department of the government. This causes them to have telepathy and they fall in love together. They have kid (Drew Barrymore) who also somehow has mind control powers. Except instead of controlling people’s mind, she can start fires with hers. When we first meet her, the father is on the run and her mother is a dead. We find out they are trying to escape the very secret government agency. They want Drew’s freaky arsonist skills to build a bomb or something for them.

The “feds,” headed up by a skinny Martin Sheen, but really controlled by Native-American looking George C. Scott, finally catch up with the father-daughter freak show. They bring them in for testing to see what their mind-powers can do in a controlled environment. The father fails to really do much because he’s old and doped up. However, Drew is getting stronger with her laser mind. She can start pretty much anything on fire (cars, ice, hot cocoa, people, cinder blocks, etc).

In the end, Martin Sheen tries to send the father off to a remote island so he doesn’t interact with his daughter anymore. Fortunately, Dad and Daughter are reunited just in time for him to die and to tell her, “Just burn this mutha-fucker to the ground!” (in so many words). She obliges and burns down everything, included Indian George C. Scott, the entire secret government compound, Martin Sheen, a helicopter. But NOT the horses-she lets them go because she is a compassionate pyrokinetic.

Creepy children seem to be the stuff horror movies are made of. Especially Stephen King ones. I don’t know what it is, but a sociopath child is way more frightening then any monster or alien. In the end of this movie, Drew hitchhikes her way back to a farm, where a couple first helped her and her dad while they were on the run. Although the movie seems to end with a happy ending, something about Drew’s smile makes me think she is the going to light this nice couple on fire in a few months. Some people just want to watch the world burn. Or that smile was all the drugs she was on. Either way, typical 80s.

Day 8, 2013 – The Call of Cthulhu

The Call of Cthulhu

2005

cthulhu

First, let me explain Cthulhu to those who don’t know what it is. It is giant sea creature created by author and suspected (well, definite) racist H. P. Lovecraft. The description that is in the book and copied from Wikipedia is “A monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind.” Sounds like a thing backwoods folk would worship, which is where the movie eventually takes us.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. It should be noted that this movie only 46 minutes long, in black and white, and silent. Very retro, right? The post production black-and-white filter along with the precisely placed digital music soundtrack makes the film, well, weird to watch. Although, maybe that’s the point. It’s awkward. Like watching a friend’s movie at a small film festival you decided to attend because they offered free wine, but everyone there speaks with an “urban French accent.”

The story is interesting, I suppose. Especially if you’ve never heard of the Cthulhu following that has gained monstrous (pun intended) popularity since Lovecraft’s death. It starts with an institutionalized man begging another fellow to burn the work of his great-uncle. Through a series of flashbacks, we find out this man’s great-uncle was obsessed with this mysterious creature who haunts dreams of artists and possibly causes terrible things to happen in the world.

Through even FURTHER flashbacks of supporting characters we find out that Bayou Bumpkins (trademark pending on this one) worshiped this Cthulhu and offered human sacrifices to him through what looks like a pretty rocking ritual. Local cops and archaeologists try to break up the party and of course bring the idol of Cthulhu back to civilization. Never a good idea. Leave the crazy with the crazy.

The final encounter with the flying octopus is through a group of sailors who find an abandoned ship floating in the ocean and they decide to commandeer it. Abandoned ships are the creepiest of all vessels to find, I think, but apparently the sailors just think, “Sweet! Free boat!”

The abandoned ship brings them to an island where they find the very gross looking, but very large monster Cthulhu, who has been chillin’, waiting for the stars to line up just right. Then, it’s mind-clobbering time! Cthulhu basically makes the sailors go so insane, they jump to their deaths. I can only assume that Cthulhu likes the brains of the crazy, hence why the Bayou Bumpkins, overworked detectives, and crazy artists were prime prey.

The movie ends with the man from the beginning seeing visions of Cthulhu as he is taken away. The end.

The recent resurgence of “Cthulhu worship” is a fun deity to add to the mixture, when God is being too “wrath-y” and Satan just is being too much of a task-master (stop asking people to do you bidding, Beelzebub. If you want shit done right, do it yo’self). The movie definitely isn’t scary, because the effects are from 1926 and Michael Bay ruined imagination for us. It’s still a fun quick little film to watch around Halloween. And possibly Christmas too, if baby Jesus is being too needy for you.

Day 3, 2013 – Red State

Red State

2011

redstate

I had never seen this movie or knew much about it, except that it was directed by Kevin Smith. So there is warning number one. Do NOT trust IMDb.com tags. Or movie posters. Or trailers. They are used by movie studios to get more people to see their films.

Now as most people who saw the trailer, I thought this was going to be a horror film with some action elements. Instead, it was more of a police procedural with some creepy exaggerated characters.

The movie starts out “horror-ish” enough. Dumb teenagers looking at boobies, decide to go drinking in the middle of nowhere to get boobies, then end up becoming the victims. But then, we get lectured by a crazy fundamentalist preacher who reminds me of a young Kris Kristofferson. I hope that’s the look he was going for. There is also lots of singing vaguely familiar but barely audible church hymns. So I guess there is another “scary movie” element there. Like voices of little children surrounding you with old lullabies.

However, then John Goodman enters the picture as the ATF agent who is going to save everyone he can. That’s where the “horror film” went out the window and I just stayed to the end of the movie to hear John Goodman’s monologues. Damn, that man is good at the one-sided conversation. If there was a hall of fame for monologues, it would be called “The John Goodman Museum of Words.”

The film ends with dead bodies, way too many kills shots to eye sockets, and me remembering from what movie I know Melissa Leo. I swear, that woman could live in my apartment room, and I wouldn’t know her from Adam if I saw her on the street. But she is darn good actress and made the movie pretty good with her convincingly Christian ways.

It’s not terrible, but it’s not a Halloween film. It’s just a John Goodman film. And that should be good enough for anyone.

Day 2, 2013 – Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow

1999

sleepy

If you’ve never seen this movie, or heard of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” or have been living abroad with no connection to America, the story comes from a 1820 Washington Irving short story. It’s basically about a headless soldier who terrorizes the town until Ichabod Crane shows up. He’s an odd fellow, which means Johnny Depp is contractually obligated to portray him, as it is written in the Old Testament and Torah (I assume).

Tim Burton directed this movie, so right off the bat, you know you’re going to see some messed up shit. But this doesn’t even make the top TEN of movies that shows Burton’s inexplicably imaginative and WTF mind. It’s actually rather tame. When I first saw this film when it came out, I wasn’t even scared of the gore because the blood was so fake looking. Beyond that though, it is still a Burton film. And that means something different to everyone who knows what I’m talking about. And there’s a large scarecrow budget. That’s a given.

Christina Ricci plays the love interest/hell’s target. Burton’s obsession with leading women with wide eyes begins again. Is eye fetish a thing? Because I’m pretty sure he has it. Which is fine, I mean it would be the least of his weirdness, but just in case, I’ll stay away from him at parties. Now I have nothing against Christina Ricci, but why does she always talk like she’s in a terrible community theater version of an old play? Has she been in The Doll House yet. She should give it a try.

Johnny Depp just plays “1990s Johnny Depp Preparing To Eventually Be Jack Sparrow.” He does it well, and I had a drink every time he gave his “bemused, bewildered classic reaction face.” I was drunk at 22:04. You know the face:

depp

The movie strays from the original story immensely and immediately, and even involves Casper Van Dien’s oddly squared head to mumble 12 words before he is cut in half. Come on horseman, you can’t take a torso back to hell. Torsoless Horseman isn’t fun to say. There is a vast conspiracy within the town involving money and pregnancies and grudges that don’t make sense because a woman made them up.

The real villain is the step-mother of Christina Ricci who was a WITCH the whole time. Unbeknownst to her though, Christina Ricci is ALSO a witch, a fact which reveals itself to Depp while the entire town is hiding in the church. His reaction bugs me because he looks so disgusted. Dude, she gave you a spells and charms book she had hidden in her boobs the first time you talked. This shouldn’t be a shock.

The movie ends with Christopher Walken getting his head back and bringing the step-witch back to hell with him. Or Jersey. That tree portal could have led anywhere. It’s far from scary, because it’s so silly. However, it does give us a lot of new information:

  1. It is perpetual autumn in upstate New York. That’s just a fact.
  2. That horseman got a lot of head.
  3. If you find out everyone in your town is related, it’s time to get out of Incestville. It only leads to trouble.
  4. Covered bridges don’t make sense. They aren’t whimsical, they are creepy. And anyone who paints them should be evaluated and monitored.

I hope some bar in Sleepy Hollow, NY has invented a drink called “The Flying Flaming Pumpkin Head.” And if they haven’t, I just feel sorry for them.

Day 1, 2013 – The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods

2012ish (this year is apparently debatable, but you get it)

Untitled

Source: IMdB.com

Knowing this movie was written by Joss Whedon gave me high expectations. He is what I call “highly witty.” In that, his dialogue is extremely smart, but even a kid stoned out of his mind would laugh. It’s a rare gift, and Mr. Whedon does not fail to deliver. I actually giggled out loud at some. Including my favorite line of the movie, “Do NOT read the Latin.”

Even though I don’t [read: refuse] to watch a lot of horror films, I already knew the common themes and saw them almost immediately in this movie. Bad dies first, good dies last, the worst dies somewhere in between, everyone dies.

We are introduced to the dead kids almost immediately. They are:

  • Blond anorexic with annoyingly shiny hair who doesn’t need a bra
  • “Shy” red-head who has no qualms dancing around in front of her window with no pants
  • College jock who looks like he could be 30, but definitely not 20 and no one cares
  • Ambiguous race handsome man who is perfect for “shy” red-head
  • Lovable pothead that somehow everyone knows even though from different backgrounds

The movie proceeds exactly how you would expect it. But of course, every new horror film needs a twist. This one actually a fucked up reality show to appease the ancients gods. Okay, Joss, I get this idea. But who the fuck is Bridezillas appeasing? And why would Cthulhu let a thing exist?

Kids get to house, get drunk (because the woods is fucking terrifying and you need booze to deal with it), terror ensues. They head to the basement. I actually enjoyed the “portal” idea of the basement. Kids explore, looking at the vintage treasures, deciding which object to pick up. I imagine if Pawn Stars was part of this reality show, there would be a disclaimer when they chose the diary:

“This object may be cursed with the bloodlines of 1000 generations, but the best I can do is smelly redneck zombies.”

Exposition…exposition…semi-creative ways of dying…exposition.

The movie ends just as I would expect it to: Sigourney Weaver summarizing everything. Her voice is nice, I wouldn’t mind her explaining the ways of the world to me. I’d like her to do my outgoing voice-mail message.

There were 3 gaping plot holes in this movie that annoyed me:

  1. How the hell can a cabin like that have 3 huge bedrooms? I bet this bugged a lot of architects and feng shui instructors too.
  2. There is ZERO consitency with handsome ambiguous race kid’s glasses. None. Is he wearing the frames just to look cool? Because 14 year-olds do that, not late-20 somethings getting stabbed in the neck with a sickle.
  3. If Little Thor just had his hammer with him, everyone would be fine. Except the annoying blond. She had to go. I could see the pockets under her cut-off jeans.

31 Days of Challenge – 2013

Prologue

Now that I finally own a piece of the internet, I have to figure out what to do with my corner of the sky. Writing is a challenge, but figuring out what the topic is going to be is even harder. I always hated creative writing projects where the teacher’s assignment was “Just write about anything.” No! Give me direction. Put me in a box so I can think outside of it. Tell me my topic is unreliable, disjointed, and boring, so I can prove you wrong. 

I haven’t been able to actually sit down to write in awhile. I could continue to blame my job, but that’s taking the easy way out. Instead I realize that I need to refocus the energy I use in my job to a different part of my brain. I used to use all my brain for my work. Logic, creativity, multitasking, learning, exploring. Every neuron seemed to be drowning in an endless barrage of data and information coming at me for 8+ hours a day. By the time I left my desk, I was too tired to think of anything else. Months and months of this wore me down. Then a planned vacation away from everything even remotely related to my job happened. Everything I used to think about creativity was reiterated back to me by people I’d known most of my life. Their encouragement may have been echoes from their past impressions of my, but it was what I needed at that moment.

So tomorrow, I will challenge myself to post for an entire month straight. This is not going to be easy, because I’ve picked a topic that terrifies me: Horror films. I figure if I’m going to jump into the deep end of the pool, the water might as well be murky. While I know this “experiment” has been done before on hundreds of homemade blogs, my spin might be different. People who usually watch a scary movie a day actually LOVE them. I hate them. I have no exact reason, but hopefully this challenge will help my pinpoint why. Most of my posts will be satirical, but I am in no way making fun of an entire beloved genre. People have different tastes, and I appreciate the entire film making process.

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