The Amityville Horror

1979

Maybe I have been watching too many horror movies lately, but this one was far too long. At almost two hours, I started to get both bored and scared, which is a weird mixture of emotions. I had never seen The Amityville Horror before but I do have cable, so I was completely aware of the story. I knew it was a made-up story before even watching the movie, but then again, aren’t all stories from the 70’s made up?

I could imagine that if you believed the premise was true (a family moves into a house were gruesome murders took place and then start experiencing strange phenomenon), then this would have been a frightful experience. However, I’ve come to the conclusion after almost a month of watching horror movies that I am terrified of haunted house. Haunted people, haunted things, haunted pets, haunted rivers, bring them on. But a haunted house is my number one “NOPE.” And yet I still willingly chose to watch this film. Even with the creepy lullabye intro, I was still in it to finish.

The movie stars Margot Kidder (of Lois Lane in Superman fame) and James Brolin (of Barbra Streisand’s husband fame) as Kathy and George Lutz. They move into a house that is selling for way under market value, which should have been warning number one. Also, the real estate agent is scared of certain rooms to walk into. Warning number two. This is why we should be glad states have “stigmatized property laws”. If house is haunted the real estate agent has to tell you. They also apparently have to tell you if a house had AIDS victims, but that may be outdated (hopefully).

Then, we find out that this couple KNEW about the gruesome murders that happened there. You know what, bitches, you deserve this. About a month later they move in with their three children and immediately weird shit starts happening as it always does to white people in the suburbs. First, a family friend Catholic priest comes to visit them and bless the house, only to be locked in a room with a bunch of talking flies who try to choke him out. He escapes but not before getting a bad case of stigmata. And he can’t warn the family because they didn’t know he there in the first place. First rule of a priest is that you can’t enter a home without being invited. Wait, that’s vampires. Well, same thing.

The family and house start off normal enough. The family unpacks. Hangs a crucifix on the wall. The couple has sex in their weird all-mirrored bedroom on the floor even though there are plenty of mattresses and beds throughout the house. Then the daughter starts acting weird, saying she has a new imaginary friend, no one can call the house without getting static, and crazy stuff starts happening every night at 3:15am.

Next George Lutz starts to get sick. Then ornery. Then can’t perform during sex. Then he is mean towards his wife and stepkids. Then won’t change his clothes for several days. Then has a compulsive wood chopping hobby. Claaaaassic signs of demon possession. He then gets the worst symptom of all: Christian Bale crazy eyes.

The demon that’s possessing the house now starts in on everyone else. The toilets fill with bubbling tar, it locks the baby-sitter in the closet, it steals money, it teases the dog, it slams a window on the son’s hands All pretty dick moves, even for a demon. George Lutz goes even crazier, and won’t listen to reason from anyone; even his wife or business partner. Luckily the business partner’s girlfriend is a professional nutjob who is able to figure everything out with a book George stole from the library. The house is a nice American combination of evil: Salem witch refugee and cursed dead Native American bodies.

Now that everyone (including the dog) knows what is up, do they decide to leave? No, because then the movie would be over. Instead more crazy shit starts to happen. The priest who tried to bless the house goes blind, then catatonic. Everyone keeps calling out George for looking exactly like the murderer. The daughter is now bordering on the edge of psychotic from listening to her “imaginary friends.”

Finally, they decide it’s time to go when the walls start to bleed. I guess everyone has a tipping point, and this is theirs. They slip and slide through the river of blood that was once their hallway and leave the house. Well, they try until the daughter (who probably brought the demon with her like an idiot) wants them to go back to get the dog. At this point in the movie, I was like “nooooo, not the puppy!!” But thankfully, this movie is boring and nothing gets killed. The family finally bounces for good, leaving everything behind them, including George Lutz’s prized massive tower of firewood.