America is amazing at a lot of things. In order of importance:

1. Freedom
2. Freedom to create new cheese products
3. Sports
4. Sports involving freedom

That last one is most important, especially this time of decade. Even years are greater than odd years for 1 reason only: The Olympics. Every 2 years, Americans do the one thing America is absolutely best at: Banning together against a common enemy. And we can consider 1986 the greatest year, because that’s when International Olympic Committee decided to alternate the Winter and Summer Olympics. Thank you, IOC, for the best gift a patriot can get. A never ending supply of Gold Medals. 

It doesn’t matter what kind of American you label yourself, there is a Winter Olympic event for you.

• Gun loving American – Biathlon (you fucking ski and shoot a gun!)
• Dance like no one is watching American – Figure skating
• Car loving American – Anything that involves speeding down a hill at 100 mph
• Housekeeping American – Curling (imagine the things you can do with a broom)
• Stoner American – Anything involving Shaun White
• Hate Canada American – Hockey
• I Believe I Can Fly American – Ski jump
• Cuddle Loving American – Bobsled
• Pomp and Circumstance American – Opening Ceremony
• American American – Gold Medal Awarding Ceremony (but only when an American wins; if an American did not win, this is just called “Learning Other National Anthems and Appreciating the American National Anthem More Ceremony”)

Now of course the 2014 Winter Olympics are in Russia, but that doesn’t mean we have to like those commie-loving bastards. We thank them for letting us see their country so we can compare it to our great cities, like Denver, Lake Placid, and Salt Lake City. We acknowledge that they built new structures for us to win our medals in. We use their snow and ice, but keep in the back of our minds that American water makes the best snow and ice. But if they touch one of our Americans just because they are gay, there will be hell fire rained upon them that they have only written about in their fancy novels about “revolution.”

So for the next 17 days, we are not blue-state or red-state, conservative or liberal, male or female, Brony or not-Brony. We are ONE America and we are rooting for the 230 athletes we graciously let leave our beautiful shores for a few weeks because we know they will come back reeking even more of freedom and patriotism (as if that is EVEN possible). So if you don’t follow the Olympics, don’t even talk to me until the end of February. I will be over here with my real friends, cheering for the Olympic judges to be of sound mind and body. And if you are an America corporation who is not a damn proud sponsor of the USA Olympic Team, don’t even look at me. I don’t want your unfreedom products anyways.