Sleepy Hollow

1999

If you’ve never seen this movie, or heard of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” or have been living abroad with no connection to America, the story comes from a 1820 Washington Irving short story. It’s basically about a headless soldier who terrorizes the town until Ichabod Crane shows up. He’s an odd fellow, which means Johnny Depp is contractually obligated to portray him, as it is written in the Old Testament and Torah (I assume).

Tim Burton directed this movie, so right off the bat, you know you’re going to see some messed up shit. But this doesn’t even make the top TEN of movies that shows Burton’s inexplicably imaginative and WTF mind. It’s actually rather tame. When I first saw this film when it came out, I wasn’t even scared of the gore because the blood was so fake looking. Beyond that though, it is still a Burton film. And that means something different to everyone who knows what I’m talking about. And there’s a large scarecrow budget. That’s a given.

Christina Ricci plays the love interest/hell’s target. Burton’s obsession with leading women with wide eyes begins again. Is eye fetish a thing? Because I’m pretty sure he has it. Which is fine, I mean it would be the least of his weirdness, but just in case, I’ll stay away from him at parties. Now I have nothing against Christina Ricci, but why does she always talk like she’s in a terrible community theater version of an old play? Has she been in The Doll House yet. She should give it a try.

Johnny Depp just plays “1990s Johnny Depp Preparing To Eventually Be Jack Sparrow.” He does it well, and I had a drink every time he gave his “bemused, bewildered classic reaction face.” I was drunk at 22:04. You know the face:

The movie strays from the original story immensely and immediately, and even involves Casper Van Dien’s oddly squared head to mumble 12 words before he is cut in half. Come on horseman, you can’t take a torso back to hell. Torsoless Horseman isn’t fun to say. There is a vast conspiracy within the town involving money and pregnancies and grudges that don’t make sense because a woman made them up.

The real villain is the step-mother of Christina Ricci who was a WITCH the whole time. Unbeknownst to her though, Christina Ricci is ALSO a witch, a fact which reveals itself to Depp while the entire town is hiding in the church. His reaction bugs me because he looks so disgusted. Dude, she gave you a spells and charms book she had hidden in her boobs the first time you talked. This shouldn’t be a shock.

The movie ends with Christopher Walken getting his head back and bringing the step-witch back to hell with him. Or Jersey. That tree portal could have led anywhere. It’s far from scary, because it’s so silly. However, it does give us a lot of new information:

1. It is perpetual autumn in upstate New York. That’s just a fact.
2. That horseman got a lot of head.
3. If you find out everyone in your town is related, it’s time to get out of Incestville. It only leads to trouble.
4. Covered bridges don’t make sense. They aren’t whimsical, they are creepy. And anyone who paints them should be evaluated and monitored.

I hope some bar in Sleepy Hollow, NY has invented a drink called “The Flying Flaming Pumpkin Head.” And if they haven’t, I just feel sorry for them.